I hope this is the right place to post--as this is not a story, bu a single scene. I am just starting to try my hand at erotica. I have very, very little experience at writing dialogue / narrative in any genre, and zero at erotica—this is my first scene. So, any feedback on content and style would be greatly appreciated.
The scene is M/m, but should any of you women have any impressions to share, I would love to hear them.
I’m not looking for a full blown critique here—just want to know if it made you breathe hard, or not, and why. Especially interested in impressions of the dialogue—don’t have a clue what I’m doing there.
Thanks so much.
MDW
This scene is adapted from an actual experience I had years ago in Palm Springs. It was certainly one of the two or three hottest of my life, as well as my first introduction to physical punishment / torment.
I was dropping quarters in a video booth late one night, and before long dropping to my knees in front of a nice looking cock that had popped urgently through one of the holes. He was a good six inches, and veeerry veiny (love veiny cocks!) After a minute or two of my attentions he bent down and told me to get over into his booth (did not ask.) He could tell by the way I was really going for his cock that I was a sub, and he decided to run with it.
As I closed the door to his booth behind me, I took in the sight of him slowly stroking his cock while looking at the video screen—he didn’t even acknowledge that I had come in. But his feet were as wide apart as they could get in that little space, so I quickly positioned myself right where we both wanted me; on the floor between them, and just staring at his beautiful young cock as he slowly worked pre-cum up and out of the head. I mention that he was young, maybe 19 or 20 to my 35 or so, because it made what happened latter that much hotter.
When he finally offered his cock to me by lazily pointing it at my face, I gave it several slow and gentle kisses without thinking about what I was doing really—I was getting deeper and deeper into sub-space, and with his relaxed manner, I just naturally fell into gratefully worshiping his prick. Seeing what an obviously submissive little fuck I was really got to him I guess, ‘cause as I girlishly kissed his moist cock head, he let out a couple of low and long moans, and settled comfortably back as he waited for the real servicing he sensed was coming.
It wasn’t long until he had my chin completely down on his ball sack, as he used a handful of my hair to direct the action to his liking. He found a video channel that suited him, and I went to work in earnest. Not to say fast—I did not want him to come any time soon, and apparently he was not in any rush either. I got him close after just a little while, but by alternating between washing his balls in my mouth, then sucking him slow and easy a while, then flicking my tongue all over his rubbery dickhead, then sucking hard and fast for a few seconds—and stopping just in time, and pulling down on his sack right between his nuts . . . Well, I edged him like that for quite a while. And then he did the hottest thing I had ever experienced—he slapped me.
Not hard enough to rattle anything, but definitely hard enough to get my attention big time—and god, if I was worshiping his cock before that, I don’t know what you’d call what I started doing then. I was sliding deeper into subspace than I ever had been, and was really basically hypnotized. Of course he couldn’t help but notice the effect his slap had had on my slut-factor, and after a little bit he gave me a couple more, then some more, and god help me, I was actually quivering, and whimpering out loud with lust.
Naturally our noises were drawing some attention, and I was aware that our little evolving D/s scene was being watched intently from the glory holes on either side of the booth; but that just added to my humiliation and pushed me down yet another level. At some point he pulled my head off of his cock and just held it there, maybe three or four inches from his fat prick—just out of tongues reach (trust me, I know!), and started to talk to me between occasional slaps—not loud or aggressive, but stern and relaxed, like one might speak to a misbehaving child. I simply stared at his cock with a mixture of total desire and submissiveness.
“You sure do love cock, don’t you little boy?”
“Yes, god I do, I love your cock.”
“What’s that boy?”
“I said I love your cock! God I want your fucking dick in my face!”
At this point he shook my head roughly:
“You love my cock WHAT?!”
And then it clicked.
“Sir! I love your cock Sir. Thank you Sir!”
And then he tilted my head backwards, and for the first time really, I got a good look into his face—his boyish face. Now don’t get me wrong—I’m not into sex with kids (and he was clearly of age. In fact, I’m usually attracted to older men and women)—but the way this kid, little more than half my age—someone I normally would have thought of as little more than a boy—had so easily and completely mastered me, well it just sent my emasculation factor through the fucking roof.
Anyhow, After calmly and silently sitting their and staring me down for at least a full minute—until I was forced to lower my gaze—as he held my head with one hand and pulled steadily on his cock with the other, he let go of his cock and just rested his hand on his thigh, close to my face and looked down on me. After letting the tension build a bit—‘cause he wanted me to realize and anticipate what was coming—he gave me another quick slap. And another. And then half-a-dozen more, while I trembled and tried not to hyperventilate. Then, he just stopped and put his hand back on his leg and stared at my wimpy-assed self some more.
“Do you know why I’m slapping you little boy?”
“No Sir, I’m not sure Sir, ‘cause I have not done a good job for you?”
“No. That’s not why—you are really a pretty good little cocksucker. Come on, think about it now. Tell me why; tell me why I am slapping you”
Not sure what he wanted of me, I just said the first and most obvious words that came to my mind:
“’Cause you want to Sir.”
“That’s right little boy, ‘cause I want to. Because I can. ‘cause you are a pussy and if I like slapping you, then you will like being slapped by me. Because that’s what pussies are—they’re what ever you tell them to be. Isn’t that right pussy?”
“Yes Sir—that’s right: whatever you want; whatever you tell me to want. Oh fuck yes Sir!”
Jesus fucking Christ, this kid was really in his element, and somehow, he was telling me things about myself that I never really had allowed myself to completely confront before—and it was brutally clear, to us both, that he was spot on. I was a pussy and right then I was his pussy, and I was grateful—for his cock, for his attention—for a chance to be useful to him. Grateful that he was willing to let a pitiful little wimp like me eat his cock and drain the cum out of his balls for him; it was a privilege. And after he spent a while drilling my mouth good and hard onto some very solid cocks in both of the glory holes, that is exactly what I did.
