Losing Interest

[serijules]

It's been a long time since I've been here. Hell, it's been a long time since I thought of anything kinky related at all. Just as suddenly as that switch clicked off, it seemingly clicked back on today, so here I am. Weird.

Some of you may remember me...I spent 6 years collared and in a very intense and close BDSM relationship. I planned to move to be with her full time, and life was grand. Then we broke up, lol.

Since I know people will ask, I'm just going to explain that here now. I ended the relationship because I decided I wasn't getting enough out of the relationship to support giving up my home, my closeness to my family, my business, and my life to move there when I knew I would have issues with others in her life. It was the kind of relationship that was at a point of all or nothing. Long distance and occasional visits were no longer an option for both of us. We wanted more. I ended up choosing the "nothing", however.

I was a non-poly person trying very hard to be in a poly relationship. It worked for many years because I MADE it work. I got tired of trying so hard to make it work. I got tired of pretending, to myself and others, that I wasn't going to resent the shit out of the other people in her kinky life. Simple as that. I have no regrets (well, sure I do, but no earth shattering ones anyhow) about being in the relationship, and I can't honestly say I miss it. I miss HER. I don't miss the people that came with her. Unfortunately, and very sadly, we have not remained friends.

It's hard for me to understand though, how something such a huge part of my life, something I was so incredibly invested in and loved, could be so easily shut off. We broke up, tried to remain friends, but my interest went to zero and we just kind of fell off the face of the earth. Even sexually, I just completely stopped daydreaming, wishing, wanting, and doing anything BDSM related. I stopped posting. I stopped writing. I took down my website. And I could have cared less about the whole thing. I could understand if I was doing those things out of resentment and anger about the relationship ending, but I never felt that.

Maybe its like when you eat too much of your favorite treat and get sick of it? heh...

The switch just went off and stayed off for almost two years now. Just as suddenly as it clicked off, it's suddenly back on. Honestly I think I'm just horny so this may be a very short lived visit back. Hard to say.

Purpose of this post? Has anyone else ever dealt with this kind of extreme disinterest? Not necessarily just in kink, but anything in your life really. I would like to try to understand it.

How can something that is such a huge part of who you are so suddenly become a non-issue?

 

[redslady]

I can answer some of this from my own perspective. When my long term relationship ended, we stayed friends but all desire for kink left my life as well. I realized after a time that it was a kind of mourning that I went through. Sometimes the heart knows more than the brain does.

It could simply be a way of dealing with the loss of the relationship. I know in my case it was.

 

[CutieMouse]

Serijules, it is so wonderful to see you post again!

Yes, I've had something just end, *full stop*. I had a really complicated long distance complication thing with the rare book dealer years ago (coincidentally also the first time I explored D/s), and when I ended it, it killed my passion for early books, ephemera, paper, bookbinding, pursuing a career in the field... everything. I still love books, there is still some degree of passion there, but it's a very "outside looking in" sort of thing now.

I also lost all interest in any sort of D/s relationship that approached the style/dynamic/structure of that situation; there's a hell of a lot of stuff I used to either enjoy or be interested in, that I now have less than zero desire for.

I learned stuff; my focus shifted; I evolved.

The crazy thing is that for a really long time I thought I'd *die* inside without that man in my life, and all the pain-in-the-ass misery was worth it because I'd *die* inside without that man in my life... but I ended things like 2 years ago [?], and I've literally thought of him twice - maybe.

It just turned off. [Thank god; I'm so much happier now.]

 

[DVS]

It's been a long time since I've been here. Hell, it's been a long time since I thought of anything kinky related at all. Just as suddenly as that switch clicked off, it seemingly clicked back on today, so here I am. Weird.

Some of you may remember me...I spent 6 years collared and in a very intense and close BDSM relationship. I planned to move to be with her full time, and life was grand. Then we broke up, lol.

Since I know people will ask, I'm just going to explain that here now. I ended the relationship because I decided I wasn't getting enough out of the relationship to support giving up my home, my closeness to my family, my business, and my life to move there when I knew I would have issues with others in her life. It was the kind of relationship that was at a point of all or nothing. Long distance and occasional visits were no longer an option for both of us. We wanted more. I ended up choosing the "nothing", however.

I was a non-poly person trying very hard to be in a poly relationship. It worked for many years because I MADE it work. I got tired of trying so hard to make it work. I got tired of pretending, to myself and others, that I wasn't going to resent the shit out of the other people in her kinky life. Simple as that. I have no regrets (well, sure I do, but no earth shattering ones anyhow) about being in the relationship, and I can't honestly say I miss it. I miss HER. I don't miss the people that came with her. Unfortunately, and very sadly, we have not remained friends.

It's hard for me to understand though, how something such a huge part of my life, something I was so incredibly invested in and loved, could be so easily shut off. We broke up, tried to remain friends, but my interest went to zero and we just kind of fell off the face of the earth. Even sexually, I just completely stopped daydreaming, wishing, wanting, and doing anything BDSM related. I stopped posting. I stopped writing. I took down my website. And I could have cared less about the whole thing. I could understand if I was doing those things out of resentment and anger about the relationship ending, but I never felt that.

Maybe its like when you eat too much of your favorite treat and get sick of it? heh...

The switch just went off and stayed off for almost two years now. Just as suddenly as it clicked off, it's suddenly back on. Honestly I think I'm just horny so this may be a very short lived visit back. Hard to say.

Purpose of this post? Has anyone else ever dealt with this kind of extreme disinterest? Not necessarily just in kink, but anything in your life really. I would like to try to understand it.

How can something that is such a huge part of who you are so suddenly become a non-issue?

Some things in life tend to be cyclical. Over the last couple of years, I haven't written any sexual stories. I think my lack of a sexual partner has caused my erotic story writing to take the back seat in this case and that has allowed my interest in writing and playing music to move up. There is no sexual interest in my musical enjoyment. What I mean by that is I don't write songs relating to sex so there is a difference.

While I might be doing more of one thing now, it doesn't mean that I've lost interest for ever in the other. It just means that for now, the time seems to fit better for one over the other. In the past, I've seen my life move around like this in other ways, too. I think it's a way our subconscious mind keeps from getting bored.

I also understand your decision not to move in with someone, if you were losing most everything you thought of as your normal life up to that point. There is a time when you have to make a decision that will force you to make a choice between two things you enjoy a lot. Those are the difficult choices. I'd just say it's nice to have two things you enjoy so much that you have to decide between them. It means you have a lot of good things going on in your life. I know it doesn't make the choice any easier, though.

By the way, it's nice to see you back.

 

[FurryFury]

Happy to see you back for however long you are here.

*HUGS*

FF

 

[ecstaticsub]

First, welcome back!

What you are saying about being poly is so similar to my own situation right now. I'm not sure if I can continue now that he has another kinky woman in his life.

I know for myself I have a extremely hard time with endings. !4 years ago my closest friend suddenly without reason ended our friendship. I never found out why. That still hurts to this day.

Your post has given me so much to think about. Thank you so much for coming back and posting.

 

[serijules]

First, welcome back!

What you are saying about being poly is so similar to my own situation right now. I'm not sure if I can continue now that he has another kinky woman in his life.

I know for myself I have a extremely hard time with endings. !4 years ago my closest friend suddenly without reason ended our friendship. I never found out why. That still hurts to this day.

Your post has given me so much to think about. Thank you so much for coming back and posting.

Ohhh that is something I have trouble with no matter what, the ending of friendships. In fact, that's the only thing about my situation that upsets me, is the ending of the friendship. Even if we were to talk again, I'm not sure I could ever get over the hurt of our friendship just suddenly ending. My last words to her were "when you are over being angry, you know where to find me" because I was sick of always being the one apologizing and begging people to not be "mad". Angry in the situation we were in was not an emotion I could understand, so talking it out wasn't going to get us anywhere. I left it up to her. That was what she apparently chose. THAT still hurts, badly.

For the poly thing...I think if I had really liked and connected with the other people in the relationship, it would have been way different. That wasn't how it was though...the other main person in her life was not someone I respected or even liked being around. She was many great things too, but the bad overruled the good for me. It wasn't jealousy so much as "can I seriously spend the rest of my life dealing with this?". The answer was no. Seeing my owner play with others didn't bother me in the least. The potential for those people to be collared to her and in relationships with her seriously diminished my happiness though. Poly is doable, but it's so freaking hard to keep the happiness afloat, and relationships shouldnt' be that much damn work.

Holy cow, this is going to be a therapy thread for me disguised as a legit question, isn't it?

 

[neci]

i believe that sometimes the mind and body protect ourselves when we need to be protected the most. i went through one breakup where i completly shut off sexually. as a result, i was able to focus on myself. when i was ready, i started noticing things again. i am so grateful it happened that way.

 

[serijules]

I honestly never really thought about it as a self defense mechanism. I'm usually so in tune with my feelings and able to be honest about my shortcomings so that isn't something I'm all that familiar with. Maybe I'm not as in tune as I thought!

 

[marieR19]

*hugs serijules!* It's so good to see you around here again!!

 

[kiwi_submissive]

I tend to go through cycles depending on what is happening in my life. Sometimes it just gets so busy or stressful that I do not have the time or energy to devote to BDSM or even "normal" everyday interests.

You were probably grieving the loss of the relationship and the friendship and everyone grieves differently. For you it was a case of losing interest in the kinky side of life.

I had a very bad split and after that I did question myself and stayed away from BDSM but over the last year or so I just felt like life was missing something so have started getting back into certain aspects of it. Not full time as I have changed alot as a person so have had to reevaluate my place in the scene which has been interesting.

 

[cfuhrer]

All of the above posts are right.

I look at it like a pie chart with certain percentages allotted to different aspects. 50% mourning the friendship, 30% mourning the relationship, 10% cyclical nature/subconscious boredom, 10% defense mechanism.

All numbers hypothetical and purely for illustrative purposes.

 

[YourCaptor]

Relationships are tricky, even if you are perfect for each other, that's not enough, so many other things must click too, like friends.

Your loss of interest sounds like you may have dysthymic disorder, which can be treated and most not be suffered. Take a look here and see if it matches what you experience.

However it also may simply be that you were only interested in these things because of her. Maybe it will all come back with someone new. I'm thinking being horny is a good thing then, could help lead you back to the excitement.

As for friendships, etc going bad, after that having cooled off I find it helps to forgive them for the pain they caused, even if they don't know you have forgiven them. Nobody is perfect, everyone does stupid things, consider it another supremely stupid act and leave it at that. By letting it go, you'll let go that stressor and be better for it.

 

[Netzach]

It's been a long time since I've been here. Hell, it's been a long time since I thought of anything kinky related at all. Just as suddenly as that switch clicked off, it seemingly clicked back on today, so here I am. Weird.

Some of you may remember me...I spent 6 years collared and in a very intense and close BDSM relationship. I planned to move to be with her full time, and life was grand. Then we broke up, lol.

Since I know people will ask, I'm just going to explain that here now. I ended the relationship because I decided I wasn't getting enough out of the relationship to support giving up my home, my closeness to my family, my business, and my life to move there when I knew I would have issues with others in her life. It was the kind of relationship that was at a point of all or nothing. Long distance and occasional visits were no longer an option for both of us. We wanted more. I ended up choosing the "nothing", however.

I was a non-poly person trying very hard to be in a poly relationship. It worked for many years because I MADE it work. I got tired of trying so hard to make it work. I got tired of pretending, to myself and others, that I wasn't going to resent the shit out of the other people in her kinky life. Simple as that. I have no regrets (well, sure I do, but no earth shattering ones anyhow) about being in the relationship, and I can't honestly say I miss it. I miss HER. I don't miss the people that came with her. Unfortunately, and very sadly, we have not remained friends.

It's hard for me to understand though, how something such a huge part of my life, something I was so incredibly invested in and loved, could be so easily shut off. We broke up, tried to remain friends, but my interest went to zero and we just kind of fell off the face of the earth. Even sexually, I just completely stopped daydreaming, wishing, wanting, and doing anything BDSM related. I stopped posting. I stopped writing. I took down my website. And I could have cared less about the whole thing. I could understand if I was doing those things out of resentment and anger about the relationship ending, but I never felt that.

Maybe its like when you eat too much of your favorite treat and get sick of it? heh...

The switch just went off and stayed off for almost two years now. Just as suddenly as it clicked off, it's suddenly back on. Honestly I think I'm just horny so this may be a very short lived visit back. Hard to say.

Purpose of this post? Has anyone else ever dealt with this kind of extreme disinterest? Not necessarily just in kink, but anything in your life really. I would like to try to understand it.

How can something that is such a huge part of who you are so suddenly become a non-issue?

A lot of stuff is very person-specific and excited by other people - when the person goes away you find out what's actually your baseline you-stuff and what isn't.

It's really very normal, I think, for this kind of thing.

I'm very infrequent here myself, the need to kick into high work gear has blown up, but it's nice to see you back.

 

[Etoile]

Good to see you here, seri.

As you know, I've been through this too. A period of extreme horniness brought it back, as with you. I'm not sure what advice I have, but I can tell you I've been there.

 

[the captians wench]

Surji I'm glad to see you about. *hugs*



and this:

A lot of stuff is very person-specific and excited by other people - when the person goes away you find out what's actually your baseline you-stuff and what isn't.

It's really very normal, I think, for this kind of thing.

I'm very infrequent here myself, the need to kick into high work gear has blown up, but it's nice to see you back.

This is kind of working for me at the moment. I'm finding my need to submit to others is kinda...well...dead. I find myself thinking "oh fuck that" a lot more than saying "yes love" and the whole things has me baffled. It simply shut off one day, cold turkey. And I'm talking beyond sexual submission (because the sexual side is there to some degree and sex in general is still high on my "needs" list), I'm talking my submissive nature altogether. I feel agressive, demanding, even a bit selfish, and it doesn't bother me.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I honestly never really thought about it as a self defense mechanism. I'm usually so in tune with my feelings and able to be honest about my shortcomings so that isn't something I'm all that familiar with. Maybe I'm not as in tune as I thought!

Nice to see you, genuinely sorry to hear you have been through the breakup and also loss of who you were to some extent. I also was going to suggest it might be an unconscious self defense mechanism, or possibly in a similar vein, a method for your heart and soul to heal in the time it needed. I have had my moments when I have felt less like being in as deep as I am used to....for me it is sometimes a way of protecting myself, sometimes it is a side effect of health issues and/or depression. Unfortunately I have not found a way to control it and return magically to our preferred state in the blink of an eye. I hope you begin to find your feet and understand what has and is happening for you, and that it leads to happiness for you.

Catalina

 

[ecstaticsub]

Ohhh that is something I have trouble with no matter what, the ending of friendships. In fact, that's the only thing about my situation that upsets me, is the ending of the friendship. Even if we were to talk again, I'm not sure I could ever get over the hurt of our friendship just suddenly ending. My last words to her were "when you are over being angry, you know where to find me" because I was sick of always being the one apologizing and begging people to not be "mad". Angry in the situation we were in was not an emotion I could understand, so talking it out wasn't going to get us anywhere. I left it up to her. That was what she apparently chose. THAT still hurts, badly.

For the poly thing...I think if I had really liked and connected with the other people in the relationship, it would have been way different. That wasn't how it was though...the other main person in her life was not someone I respected or even liked being around. She was many great things too, but the bad overruled the good for me. It wasn't jealousy so much as "can I seriously spend the rest of my life dealing with this?". The answer was no. Seeing my owner play with others didn't bother me in the least. The potential for those people to be collared to her and in relationships with her seriously diminished my happiness though. Poly is doable, but it's so freaking hard to keep the happiness afloat, and relationships shouldnt' be that much damn work.

Holy cow, this is going to be a therapy thread for me disguised as a legit question, isn't it?

Thank you so much for your response and for starting this thread, it has really helped me a great deal.

 

[graceanne]

Welcome back, Seri!

That said, yes I have, but I don't really want to talk about it publicly. Suffice to say - you're in 'the norm'.

 

[BrightlyGo]

Purpose of this post? Has anyone else ever dealt with this kind of extreme disinterest? Not necessarily just in kink, but anything in your life really. I would like to try to understand it.

How can something that is such a huge part of who you are so suddenly become a non-issue?

I sometimes describe myself as 'serial obsessive.' My dad (my actual biological father) is the same way... probably worse. Maybe I'll get worse as I get older.

Anyway, I find something that I like, I get deeply into it for a while, and than drift away from or drop it. Maybe come back to it now and then.

It can be big things (carreer, relationships, time-consuming hobbies) or trivial things (a specific food - one year it was olives).

And, sometimes, they never go away. I've been married 20 years, I'm still obsessed with Her. I've been submissive virtually since I became sexually aware. OK, those two are related.


I don't know if it's in a normal range, but you're not alone. I've definitely had the experience of being deeply involved in an interest, then losing that interest quite completely. It doesn't always take a major emotional event like a breakup, either.

 

[Bandit58]

Interesting discussion

Because submissiveness has always been a part of my personality, It's just a part of who I am. Sir and I have been together almost 8 years, so we've settled into a kind of "old married couple" routine.....less kink, but more service oriented on my part.

The D/s is still there, but it's a undercurrent of our lives if you will, not the major force it started out as. I'd never had any BDSM experience before we met, so it was all new and exciting to find that I did in fact have a place where my submission was appreciated and that I wasn't wrong to like the things I did. Eight years together has allowed us to grow into our roles and things now just roll along rather easily now