Distressed Sub

[Iris_Faolan]

Hi there. I have a question for all who want to answer.
I am a submissive. I always have been. I would love nothing more than to have a Master or Daddy. But I am in love with a guy that will not dominate me. He says he loves me too much (he won't even spank because he says it's disrespectful). So I considered looking for a strictly online Dom, but that feels like cheating

What do I do? I need to be dominated! (It's been so long....)

Thanks for your help

 

[Stella_Omega]

try framing your request differently. Don't say you want to be dominated, tell him you want to be serviced. (more or less). Tell him it's purely about the sensation... you love the feeling of the slap. tell him you understand that at this point in time, "slap" has non-PC connotations, but this is REALLY important to your physical pleasure, and you hope that he won't deny you that...

Maybe pick up a copy of "BDSM101" or "Screw the roses, send me the thorns" on Amazon or something.

Depending on how deeply your needs run, you may have to look for an outside source, or end the relationship.

 

[switchbitch]

Hi there. I have a question for all who want to answer.
I am a submissive. I always have been. I would love nothing more than to have a Master or Daddy. But I am in love with a guy that will not dominate me. He says he loves me too much (he won't even spank because he says it's disrespectful). So I considered looking for a strictly online Dom, but that feels like cheating

What do I do? I need to be dominated! (It's been so long....)

Thanks for your help

let him read this post, perhaps if he sees that you are willing to ask strangers for help he will understand what it means to you. Be prepared to accept if he says it is something that he finds abhorrent. And then you will need to make a choice do you love him enough to do without submitting or is he just not a good fit for you?
People often say that if you love someone you are willing to do anything for them but if in order to make them happy you have to do something that makes you unhappy that's not a good fit. He may just not be a dominant person. It is worth the risk to be honest and upfront with him because he may just need to understand your heart and needs more fully.he may even tell you that having an online dominant is something that he can cope with.
Either way whether the result is positive or negative you will know how he feels.
Be brave, be honest, be strong.
Good luck

 

[Lilac_Sky]

Depending on how deeply your needs run, you may have to look for an outside source, or end the relationship.

Either way whether the result is positive or negative you will know how he feels.
Be brave, be honest, be strong.
Good luck

Two brilliant ladies posting fantastic insights.

I will simply, humbly add .... don't look for outside domination without first talking to him about your needs as Stella and switch suggested. Give him a chance to find his way to a place where you can both be happy. If he is not interested, then talk to him about how he feels about you finding a PYL to meet those needs for you.

My last word of warning comes from experience ... if these needs are real and deep for you ... do not think you can just ignore them or suppress them. That will likely backfire down the road. For me, the resentment built and I lost who I was for too long.

 

[Pandorica]

try framing your request differently. Don't say you want to be dominated, tell him you want to be serviced. (more or less). Tell him it's purely about the sensation... you love the feeling of the slap. tell him you understand that at this point in time, "slap" has non-PC connotations, but this is REALLY important to your physical pleasure, and you hope that he won't deny you that...

This is good advice. When he can see first hand how aroused slapping gets you, he can make that transition from 'I am hurting the woman I love' to 'I am satisfying her.' Be aware that you can't affect what your guy finds hot and if slapping you and being rough are like a cold shower to him, at best you will only get what you want with a lot of mutual compromise. This will throw up mountains of simmering resentment if you're not both very careful about meeting one another's needs in a balanced way. Don't use scary words like 'dominate me' because they're not specific enough and obviously have negative connotations to this man. Instead of encouraging him to be sadistic, try coaxing him into experimenting with control. Suggest wearing a blindfold or maybe light bondage with a silk scarf, gentle sensation play that will let him see how you're wired without worrying that he's going to hurt you.

You can also make him feel more ok about being selfish sexually. Be open to sex when you don't have a lot of time. It's a short trip in many men's heads from the frenzied quickie to rougher sex when there's time for more. If he offers to go down on you, say something playful like... 'does this mean I was good today?' or 'do you think I deserve it?.' Western men have it drummed into their heads that they have to be patient and generous lovers who always get the woman off first. If you focus less on your pleasure and more on his, he'll maybe begin to realise that you don't need all that stuff every time you have sex. Find ways to give him control. If he asks what you want, murmur that you want him to use you to get off.

But you have to be specific. I can't stress that enough. Unless he knows exactly what you're asking for and what is and is not acceptable to you, he's not going to have the confidence to explore your limits.

If all else fails, tell him you want to try anal and buy a big bottle of lube. It's something a lot of guys fantasise about and he won't necessarily see it as an inherently dominant act. He'll be able to see how you react to the initial discomfort and it'll be a huge flag to him, telling him how open you are to more alternative sex.

Maybe browse around porn sites and show him a few clips of the stuff you'd like to try.

Make sure you also encourage him to tell you his fantasies. If you can accommodate his fantasies he'll be a lot more inclined to facilitate yours.

Maybe pick up a copy of "BDSM101" or "Screw the roses, send me the thorns" on Amazon or something.

Depending on how deeply your needs run, you may have to look for an outside source, or end the relationship.

Unfortunately, if you're very sub/maso it may turn out that the limited ways your man might be prepared to dominate you just drive you crazy frustrated. Some people can get by on a taste of what they really want, others can't.

Also, you say you want a 'Master or Daddy' rather than a dom or sadist. This suggests to me that you might be craving more of a lifestyle than occasional bedroom BDSM. If so, you really have to have a long hard think about what you can really do without in the long term future. As Lilac said, if your needs are deep and intrinsic, such a huge compromise could make you miserable down the line.

 

[redslady]

Hi there. I have a question for all who want to answer.
I am a submissive. I always have been. I would love nothing more than to have a Master or Daddy. But I am in love with a guy that will not dominate me. He says he loves me too much (he won't even spank because he says it's disrespectful). So I considered looking for a strictly online Dom, but that feels like cheating What do I do? I need to be dominated! (It's been so long....)

Thanks for your help

The bold part stuck in my head. Unless you've talked about this and he is in agreement that, since he can't give you what you want, it's okay with him for you to get an online dom, it is cheating.

The others have given you some very sound advice, communicate, talk about what you need.

 

[redslady]

That sounds like the wilderness i wander in now.

This sounds like the wilderness I just left.

 

[the captians wench]

The bold part stuck in my head. Unless you've talked about this and he is in agreement that, since he can't give you what you want, it's okay with him for you to get an online dom, it is cheating.

The others have given you some very sound advice, communicate, talk about what you need.

That's always the rule I've played by.

If you can't talk to your SO about it, it's cheating. Now how you choose to deal with that is up to you.

 

[Babyslave]

Two brilliant ladies posting fantastic insights.

I will simply, humbly add .... don't look for outside domination without first talking to him about your needs as Stella and switch suggested. Give him a chance to find his way to a place where you can both be happy. If he is not interested, then talk to him about how he feels about you finding a PYL to meet those needs for you.

My last word of warning comes from experience ... if these needs are real and deep for you ... do not think you can just ignore them or suppress them. That will likely backfire down the road. For me, the resentment built and I lost who I was for too long.

So many good thoughts, ideas and advice from some really brilliant people. My two cents would be nearly an echo of Lilac Sky.

It's possible to ignore your needs, but only for awhile. If they are indeed strong and true, it can't last. You can't bury you needs, your desires. Doing so will result in a divide between the two of you that will widen with time. The resentment will appear, and one, or both of may feel cheated, disappointed, and less than what you could be.

Communicate, honestly and openly.

My best to you.

 

[ruby_my_dear]

Good advice

Iris,
Thank you for posting your question and thanks to the people who have shared their wisdom. I am going through a roller coaster of discovery right now. After spending many long years of my adult life not having a clue who I am or what I like, I've felt a little bit like I've opened a pandora's box and I've been more than a little scared that my husband of 15 years, my lover, anchor and soulmate wouldn't understand or worse think less of me for wanting some of the things I am discovering I like.
I agree with all those here who advise to be honest and I'll add take it one step at a time starting with things you know he will like. For us it was oral sex and making sure I REALLY let him know when he does something I like such as hold my head or corner me somehow.
Something happened this past week while I was away that opened some new doors on my self discovery path. Although I was scared of his reaction, I told husband this afternoon, while we were getting some alone time and asked him if he was okay with it. He said he wasn't sure. I said in that case, I would continue exploring and if he became sure he should tell me. Either way, we would work it out.
Every relationship is different and what works for one may not work for another but anything based on love, respect and honesty is not likely to fail in the end.