CJontherocks
Soul Whisperer
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2004
- Posts
- 1,362
I used to have grand hopes of someday coming out. As my retirement from the military neared, I became bolder. I took a weekend trip to the Castro to experience the lifestyle. I told a dear friend about my sexuality. The experience was liberating, even though I didn't get laid in San Francisco (Really? Who doesn't get laid in San Francisco?) and Lori, the friend I told, was still in the service and is lesbian (no big risk there).
I had some conversations with my mother that, while the actual subject never came up, led me to believe she would be nothing less than accepting and our relationship would never change. (That was shortly after my nephew came out to my mother and my sister--his mom.) I'm not sure if the experience with my nephew caused my mother to reflect generally on her feelings, or if she was trying to tell me something specific she thought I might need to know. The effect was that I know if I ever decide I no longer need to be discreet, my mom will be the first person I tell. Though I'm not sure she needs to know unless I find a fella I'd like her to meet.
When I started seeing the woman who is now my wife, I tried to hint to her that I was not completely heterosexual. But I suppose I chickened out because she led me to believe she would not accept me if I was into men at all. In hindsight, I probably should have let her go on her way but I was smitten and rationalized that in a monogamous relationship, it shouldn't matter.
What I've discovered is that it does matter. Because I'm not the person she thinks I am, and this has transcended to many different aspects of our relationship, I feel alienated from her. I feel like I can't be myself around her, and I hide many things. She's not the person I thought I married either, but I suppose that's common. I have been faithful, because I still believe in the commitment I made when I said "I do."
But being completely honest here, I can't promise I would be able to muster all the moral fortitude my rhetoric suggests if some hot nekkid guy was standing in front of me, beckoning me with a "fuck me" look in his eyes. Geez, Marvin Gaye songs are already running through my head. lol In fact, I did pursue the possibility of an affair at one point, though in the end I couldn't go through with it. Wanna hear something funny? As luck would have it, one woman I met and began to consider, backed away when she discovered her husband had been looking at gay porn. That should have been my first clue that an affair was not the way to handle my desire for intimacy.
So why do I continue on this path? I don't know. Weakness of character, I suppose. I think I've said this before. The irony is that when I didn't consider myself bisexual (years ago), I believed my secret attraction to men was a character flaw. Now that I am secure in my bisexuality, I consider the secret of my attraction to men to be the character flaw.
I had some conversations with my mother that, while the actual subject never came up, led me to believe she would be nothing less than accepting and our relationship would never change. (That was shortly after my nephew came out to my mother and my sister--his mom.) I'm not sure if the experience with my nephew caused my mother to reflect generally on her feelings, or if she was trying to tell me something specific she thought I might need to know. The effect was that I know if I ever decide I no longer need to be discreet, my mom will be the first person I tell. Though I'm not sure she needs to know unless I find a fella I'd like her to meet.
When I started seeing the woman who is now my wife, I tried to hint to her that I was not completely heterosexual. But I suppose I chickened out because she led me to believe she would not accept me if I was into men at all. In hindsight, I probably should have let her go on her way but I was smitten and rationalized that in a monogamous relationship, it shouldn't matter.
What I've discovered is that it does matter. Because I'm not the person she thinks I am, and this has transcended to many different aspects of our relationship, I feel alienated from her. I feel like I can't be myself around her, and I hide many things. She's not the person I thought I married either, but I suppose that's common. I have been faithful, because I still believe in the commitment I made when I said "I do."
But being completely honest here, I can't promise I would be able to muster all the moral fortitude my rhetoric suggests if some hot nekkid guy was standing in front of me, beckoning me with a "fuck me" look in his eyes. Geez, Marvin Gaye songs are already running through my head. lol In fact, I did pursue the possibility of an affair at one point, though in the end I couldn't go through with it. Wanna hear something funny? As luck would have it, one woman I met and began to consider, backed away when she discovered her husband had been looking at gay porn. That should have been my first clue that an affair was not the way to handle my desire for intimacy.
So why do I continue on this path? I don't know. Weakness of character, I suppose. I think I've said this before. The irony is that when I didn't consider myself bisexual (years ago), I believed my secret attraction to men was a character flaw. Now that I am secure in my bisexuality, I consider the secret of my attraction to men to be the character flaw.