Bottoming and body image issues

[redslady]

So I'm thinking of bottoming for the first time. It's with someone I've known for a long time and he knows all that I've been through. BUT I'm still having a hard time with the body image thing.

A bit of back ground, I've had a full mastectomy on one side and a partical on the other. He knows this and is fine with the fact that I'm insisting on wearing my bra. I still have scars from the radiation burns and surgeries though, and I'm not sure how to deal with the thought of exposing them, even to someone I trust.

So my question is, how do I deal with the negative body image when I really, really need a big dose of pain? How do I over come the hurdle that my mind is putting in my way?

Any tips would be welcome.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

So I'm thinking of bottoming for the first time. It's with someone I've known for a long time and he knows all that I've been through. BUT I'm still having a hard time with the body image thing.

A bit of back ground, I've had a full mastectomy on one side and a partical on the other. He knows this and is fine with the fact that I'm insisting on wearing my bra. I still have scars from the radiation burns and surgeries though, and I'm not sure how to deal with the thought of exposing them, even to someone I trust.

So my question is, how do I deal with the negative body image when I really, really need a big dose of pain? How do I over come the hurdle that my mind is putting in my way?

Any tips would be welcome.

For me, it was a repeated appreciation of my body, and finally realising that he was sincere. Negative body image is a bitch of a thing to overcome, but it can be. Sometimes we just need some external validation ebfore we can start believing it ourselves.

 

[redslady]

For me, it was a repeated appreciation of my body, and finally realising that he was sincere. Negative body image is a bitch of a thing to overcome, but it can be. Sometimes we just need some external validation ebfore we can start believing it ourselves.

Negative body image is more than a bitch, it can be all consuming. Trying to work out why, when I trust him, I have a hard time believing him.

 

[redheadedtxn]

I used to be embarrassed about my naked body. I've had 3 kids and I'm no barbie.
Master explained to me that generally men's eyes gravitate to the areas they enjoy looking at, and that the woman's attitude is 99% of it.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Negative body image is more than a bitch, it can be all consuming. Trying to work out why, when I trust him, I have a hard time believing him.

I can really understand that last statement. I trust and love my boyfriend a great deal, and it's not that I don't believe that he thinks I'm beautiful...it's that I don't believe it. Most of the time I just try not to think about it, but the nice thing has become i don't HAVE to think about it when I'm around him.

of course, we have a very comfortable relationship. We're definitely the couple that dutch ovens each other out of sheer maliciousness

 

[redslady]

Here's the thing, I thought bottoming to a friend would be easier. No romantic emotional attachment so it should be easy peasy...yeah, right.

Light bulb moment when I realized it wasn't what his opinion might be, but my own opinion colouring what I was expecting his opinion to be. Projecting much? The soon to be ex couldn't handle me not being a "whole" woman any more. I know that's a big part of my fear.

 

[redslady]

I can really understand that last statement. I trust and love my boyfriend a great deal, and it's not that I don't believe that he thinks I'm beautiful...it's that I don't believe it. Most of the time I just try not to think about it, but the nice thing has become i don't HAVE to think about it when I'm around him.

of course, we have a very comfortable relationship. We're definitely the couple that dutch ovens each other out of sheer maliciousness

The bold part made me have to use google...never heard of that before. Great that you two are so comfortable with each other. Never would have even thought to do that in the 25 years I was married.

 

[Chiara_searches]

I was fairly over weight when I got engaged to my now ex-husband. At the time, I was of the frame of mind that "it is what it is" and if he didn't like the package, I'd rather know that sooner than later. He liked the package okay; but never grew with me and so I left that relationship.

Now, I'm seven years older than my current partner. I'm in substantial better shape but still want to loose one more pant size (well, one and a half ~ I'm in between sizes right now). Gravity and being heavier in the past took a toll on my breasts. With my current partner, I tried again to just keep in mind "it is what it is." This is me.

I'm not sure why; I way, way over-think emotional issues. But on the physical appearance issue, I just don't.

Rejoice in the fact he's aware and interested; that he has a better intellect than some men. A while back I started a thread about a body image question and by the end of that thread, I realized men can be just as self conscious about their bodies as women. I also realized that if I don't really judge men's bodies, it's equally reasonable that there really are men out there that aren't as judgmental as the mainstream media makes us think. He's accepting of you and it sounds like he's interested in the whole package. The whole package, aka you, is amazing and strong and thoughtful; take comfort in giving him that.

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

So I'm thinking of bottoming for the first time. It's with someone I've known for a long time and he knows all that I've been through. BUT I'm still having a hard time with the body image thing.

A bit of back ground, I've had a full mastectomy on one side and a partical on the other. He knows this and is fine with the fact that I'm insisting on wearing my bra. I still have scars from the radiation burns and surgeries though, and I'm not sure how to deal with the thought of exposing them, even to someone I trust.

So my question is, how do I deal with the negative body image when I really, really need a big dose of pain? How do I over come the hurdle that my mind is putting in my way?

Any tips would be welcome.

I'm not as eloquent as many others here but, here are my thoughts.

The scars on your body should be worn with pride. They are the signs of your courage and determination to battle and defeat an enemy that was determined to kill you. You beat that enemy and bear the scars of that battle and your courage with pride.

You have no more to be ashamed of then any of our military men and women who have been scarred in other types of battles with enemy's who also tried to kill them.

The marks from your battle does not define you they do define your courage and perseverance. Any man worth his salt will understand and appreciate that.

Never be ashamed of wounds you received in battle.

I hope this helps.

Mike

 

[Stella_Omega]

WHAT MIKE SAID OMG

Also, please learn this very important thing; To a man with a hardon, you look perfect.

I was at a little demo last night, a gay man talking about cock and ball play. And that's what HE said, so you KNOW it's true. (he also talked about how to get a cock ring off a guy who is totally hard, and eight other secrets-- if I can remember then I'll write them up in a new post)

 

[HottieMama]

TOTALLY what Mike said!!!!

I have a lot more to write on this, as it is a constant struggle for me as well, but I am in a rush so I will come back to this later tonight...

 

[koalakutie]

Yes, what Mike wrote!

.....

 

[redslady]

I'm not as eloquent as many others here but, here are my thoughts.

The scars on your body should be worn with pride. They are the signs of your courage and determination to battle and defeat an enemy that was determined to kill you. You beat that enemy and bear the scars of that battle and your courage with pride.

You have no more to be ashamed of then any of our military men and women who have been scarred in other types of battles with enemy's who also tried to kill them.

The marks from your battle does not define you they do define your courage and perseverance. Any man worth his salt will understand and appreciate that.

Never be ashamed of wounds you received in battle.

I hope this helps.

Mike

Thank you

I would never compare myself to our fine fighting men and women, but I do understand what you are say. I am proud of the fact that I have beaten the beast back, and I know I'm strong enough to do it again if need be.

Thinking on your words of being ashamed, didn't think I was, but maybe I am. Will have to ponder that one.

 

[redslady]

WHAT MIKE SAID OMG

Also, please learn this very important thing; To a man with a hardon, you look perfect.

I was at a little demo last night, a gay man talking about cock and ball play. And that's what HE said, so you KNOW it's true. (he also talked about how to get a cock ring off a guy who is totally hard, and eight other secrets-- if I can remember then I'll write them up in a new post)

I was hoping you would chime in, I really admire and respect your points of view. Don't always agree with them, but I love the passion and fearlessness in your expressing them. You are one of my idols here on Lit.

Maybe I should just think about his reactions and stop worrying so much about my own.

 

[redslady]

In addition to physical souvenirs of life experience (ie, scars), we also bring emotional souvenirs (such as baggage). When we meet the right people at the right time of our lives, they will accept all of us, the good, bad, impressive qualities, as well as embarrassing moments.

We can't change what happened to us in the past. We can only change our outlook and attitude about them. If you can find a way to be proud about being a survivor, and confident about being able to accept yourself, it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks.

We should all be lucky enough to have a partner who desires to spend time with us.

You know all of the advice here makes perfect logical sense. Just having a hard time getting that through my hard head.

I was told it's no different than getting naked in front of someone for the first time. Wonder if that's really true? I have a habit of over thinking things and making mountains out of mole hills. But this feels different, or maybe I'm just doing it again.

 

[HottieMama]

Maybe I should just think about his reactions and stop worrying so much about my own

This is one of the biggest and HARDEST lessons I have had to learn. I have found, for me, the more "verbal" a partner is, the easier it is for me. I don't do well with lovers who are completely silent as I get naked or within the first few moments of being fully nude. I may "know" intellectually that they find me attractive, but in those moments I need to HEAR it. Otherwise, I can get all up in my own head and start focusing on my stretch marks, or C-section scar, or too-small tits, etc...etc...and it really ruins the whole thing for me. I know I am very "needy" in this area currently, so I try to make that known before any sex/play happens. Sometimes it works out great...other times not so much...but it's like that with anything in life...

This guy sounds like he understands not only all you have been through, but also your concerns and fears. Try to focus on that instead of listening to what your "head" is telling you.

 

[BiBunny]

This is one of the biggest and HARDEST lessons I have had to learn. I have found, for me, the more "verbal" a partner is, the easier it is for me. I don't do well with lovers who are completely silent as I get naked or within the first few moments of being fully nude. I may "know" intellectually that they find me attractive, but in those moments I need to HEAR it. Otherwise, I can get all up in my own head and start focusing on my stretch marks, or C-section scar, or too-small tits, etc...etc...and it really ruins the whole thing for me. I know I am very "needy" in this area currently, so I try to make that known before any sex/play happens. Sometimes it works out great...other times not so much...but it's like that with anything in life...

This guy sounds like he understands not only all you have been through, but also your concerns and fears. Try to focus on that instead of listening to what your "head" is telling you.

I'm a vain, vain person. If you can't tell me I'm pretty, please don't even think about coming in my bedroom!

 

[redslady]

koalakutie, I just re-read your post and realized you used the word "we"?

 

[HottieMama]

I'm a vain, vain person. If you can't tell me I'm pretty, please don't even think about coming in my bedroom!

Yeah...that's about the point I am at right now...

 

[koalakutie]

We

.....

 

[redslady]

Yes, the universal "we"
The royal "we"

As in "we're all in this together"

Ahh, wasn't sure if you were in the same place I am where cancer is concerned. As for the body image thing, I am finding a lot of support in that arena and realizing I'm not alone and not an odd ball.

 

[koalakutie]

All together

.....

 

[redslady]

It hasn't happened to me. But it can happen to any of us. We should be compassionate and have empathy for everyone. There are no guarantees in life. You are definitely not alone.

Noticed you didn't say I wasn't an odd ball,

 

[koalakutie]

.....

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I'm not as eloquent as many others here but, here are my thoughts.

The scars on your body should be worn with pride. They are the signs of your courage and determination to battle and defeat an enemy that was determined to kill you. You beat that enemy and bear the scars of that battle and your courage with pride.

You have no more to be ashamed of then any of our military men and women who have been scarred in other types of battles with enemy's who also tried to kill them.

The marks from your battle does not define you they do define your courage and perseverance. Any man worth his salt will understand and appreciate that.

Never be ashamed of wounds you received in battle.

I hope this helps.

Mike

What he said! This is SOOO awesome, and SO true! *swoon*
~

It hasn't happened to me. But it can happen to any of us. We should be compassionate and have empathy for everyone. There are no guarantees in life. You are definitely not alone.

This too... so true!!



~

Your nervousness reminds me of a friend of mine. She had a very challenging pregnancy that left her bed ridden and she gained quite a bit of weight that resulted in some pretty intense stretchmarks that covered most of her belly. She was so devastated as she watched them appear as her belly shrank back down after her son was born. Her husband was on a deployment, and didn't see any of this change, and she was dreading his reaction. He arrived home and on the first night she was a puddle of welcome home, this is your son, OMG don't look at my body tears. She told me he asked her to remove her nightgown so he could really see what she was so upset about... she slid it off and he leaped over to her belly kissing it and said....

"Damn, those are the coolest fucking tiger stripes I have ever seen! Rawwwwr!"

She was so taken aback that she guffawed and turned away. He slid in behind her and wrapped his arms around her and thanked her for the hard work of carrying their son and would henceforth honor her by calling her his Tigress. This made her warm and smile and she told me that with his arms around her, she reached down and slid her fingertips over the marks gently like she was seeing them for the first time. He showed her how to love this new and unexpected part of herself. They had incredible "we need to make up for the last 8 months of being apart" kind of sex that night and she said she didn't give her belly another thought. She still lovingly calls them her tiger stripes, and wears a bikini every chance she gets.

You know, maybe it is related to the masochistic side of me, but I honestly just happen to dig scars. I also wish people were born with more rainbow colored markings the way other animals are and appreciate the art of tattoos for this very reason. But really, I have a much deeper love and fascination for real scars. I love that they are such tangible points on our human life's time line. I love to hear the stories behind them, and try to read the details and emotions in the pearly creases and folds.

I have a scar on my right hand from a set of stitches I needed from slicing my hand on a glass that shattered around it while I was cleaning it. It healed in such a way that it almost looks like kanji, I love it because I think it looks cool design wise and it is unique to me and reminds me of what life felt like in my early 20s when I touch it.

I believe that within your beautiful scars, you have an incredible story recorded that should be honored and embraced, and is one that I appreciate that you are so open and willing to share.