Mental illness and dating

[operaBaritone]

Hi everybody,

I haven't been on this forum in a while, and I posted something about a year ago on chronically ill partners. I have a more pointed question on dating in particular. Well, somewhat pointed.

I don't know how to deal with dating. It works when I'm in a more normative state (I'm bipolar), but in hypomanic or depressive states... I mean it can get bad at any time.

In an LTR this is an annoyance but doable... but when you're just starting a relationship it's... well... hard. I firmly believe that not wanting to date me after seeing me in a particularly bad state is totally reasonable, and would not say anything foul of those people who would choose that.

But that leaves me in a quandary. Dating me can end up being a very difficult endeavor. I do not mean to overblow my condition, but it can get to people and it is very hard to understand.

I realize there are people in worse situations than myself and date. This realization isn't terribly helpful as it has nothing to do with me. "In theory" looks good but "In practice" is what I have to live with.

I'm just not sure how to go about forming a relationship. It's not like I haven't tried, I've used online services to try and meet people, and have, but nothing sticks.

opera

 

[SweetErika]

Do you take your med(s) as prescribed and follow your health care provider's advice? Are you under the care of a good psychiatrist and doing talk therapy?

For me, that would be the main thing. I don't deal well when people don't do what they can to be healthy and happy.

My husband dated a young woman in college who was bipolar, and it drove him nuts that she wouldn't take her meds regularly or do the other things she was supposed to because "normalizing" her moods interfered with her creativity and artistic expression, according to her. Honestly, someone on that course wouldn't be relationship material for me, either.

Anyway, I don't really know what to tell you other than to be sure to make yourself the best candidate for a relationship you can be by finding/sticking to a plan that evens your moods out as much as possible. Dating and relationships might also be something you could address in therapy and/or support groups - perhaps you could learn some new skills, ways of explaining your illness, etc., in those venues.

 

[Boundlife]

This is complicated. I don't think this is the best place to look for advice. I'd look for a Support Group, someone who has "been there, done that" could help more, and really understand your issues.
Good Luck
(Sorry, all you'll find here could be found on a bad TV movie)

 

[Ex Princess]

This is complicated. I don't think this is the best place to look for advice. I'd look for a Support Group, someone who has "been there, done that" could help more, and really understand your issues.
Good Luck
(Sorry, all you'll find here could be found on a bad TV movie)

I agree. Sometimes the best help you can get isn't found on Google. *sigh*

 

[culloden]

I have been there and done that, albeit thirty years ago. And I'm a guy, for whatever difference that makes.

I doubt there's a one size fits all answer. In my case, I fell for a girl who was bipolar, although that didn't manifest until we'd been dating a while. I loved her for all her other attributes, and because of that I was with her for three years. Not everyone will be like that, of course. In the end, our relationship didn't work out, but there were a number of reasons for that, some of which had to do with her needing to learn to manage the disease without the stress of a relationship on top of all that.

Advice? So, I'd say to work on yourself first. Achieve as much stability as you can before entering a relationship. I wish I'd known going in, so be honest in managing an SO's expectations. Although being bi-polar can at times be all consuming, try to keep in mind it's just one aspect of your personality. From an SO's perspective, the other traits you bring to the table can definitely outweigh the difficulties of dealing with a bi-polar partner.

Be honest about your needs. For example, sometimes, you may not want to be around others. Make sure any partners understand things like this before they happen. Being prepared and understanding your needs will help anyone you're dating.

Now, I'm not sure I'd bring all this up on the first date. That's likely to scare people off. But I'd say to bring it up at the first signs of either a bi-polar incident or of burgeoning romantic feelings.

Hope that's helpful.

 

[Guest]

Successful dating with mental illness? None. That's the only way of going about it without having a spectacular blow up. It's not worth it. Just don't date. It'll save you and the people you care about a lot of trouble.

 

[sdineen]

hold

Having a little experience in this matter. I can only say, to deprive a person of the most intimate form of contact, is cruel.
I hope my spelling lives up to my learned proceeders standards

 

[Guest]

Exposing others to mental illness is more than cruel. Why would you want to do that to another human being?

 

[Guest]

And it doesn't. Go back to whatever sandy, hot country you came from.

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

Hi everybody,

I haven't been on this forum in a while, and I posted something about a year ago on chronically ill partners. I have a more pointed question on dating in particular. Well, somewhat pointed.

I don't know how to deal with dating. It works when I'm in a more normative state (I'm bipolar), but in hypomanic or depressive states... I mean it can get bad at any time.

In an LTR this is an annoyance but doable... but when you're just starting a relationship it's... well... hard. I firmly believe that not wanting to date me after seeing me in a particularly bad state is totally reasonable, and would not say anything foul of those people who would choose that.

But that leaves me in a quandary. Dating me can end up being a very difficult endeavor. I do not mean to overblow my condition, but it can get to people and it is very hard to understand.

I realize there are people in worse situations than myself and date. This realization isn't terribly helpful as it has nothing to do with me. "In theory" looks good but "In practice" is what I have to live with.

I'm just not sure how to go about forming a relationship. It's not like I haven't tried, I've used online services to try and meet people, and have, but nothing sticks.

Ask yourself, if you were in someone else's shoes, would you date someone like you? Whether it's medication, counseling or whatever, maybe you should get your own ducks in a row before forcing your problems into someone else's life. When you are in a hypomanic or depressive state, that is exactly what you are doing: Forcing your problems onto someone else who doesn't need to deal with your problems.

 

[TheDarkAngel13]

I'm bipolar and had one successful long-term relationship. My first bf and I were together for almost three years and it ended because of his immaturity. I was fortunate to find a man who understood my condition and knew that whatever horrible things I did or said were a product of my condition and not my genuine personality.
The secret? Honesty. It took a while for him to get into "the groove" of my rhythm of anger, joy, grief, anxiety, etc. But the entire time, I explained what was wrong with me, what I was doing, WHY I was saying and doing what I was. It was hard for him, scary, but he was amazing through it all. When I had my first anxiety attack, he held me in a parking lot for two hours while I sobbed.
Sorry, getting off the point. The problem is, not everyone is up for the task of dealing with you. I have ran of a half dozen people since that first bf. Not everyone can understand you. The ones who do understand you (if they're ill too) can't handle you. It's not fair. But there are people out there who are up for the challenge and who get that the rewards in the end far outweigh the trials. I wish you the best finding that person. <3

 

[culloden]

After reading some of the negatives here, I have to reiterate that bipolar disorder is only one aspect of your personality. Sure, a lot of people can't handle being around folks with that problem. Fuck 'em. You don't need people like that in your life anyway. It's not about the people who can't handle you, but rather about finding those who can.

Get yourself as level as you can. Be honest with others. And don't undervalue everything else you bring to the table. Some of the smartest, most creative people I've had the pleasure to know have been bi-polar.

 

[Setanta84]

Eh, I have experience in this area. I fell hard for someone in college about three years into dealing with chronic depression with features of suicidal isolation. We had great chemistry, would spend all our free time together, met each others families and the like... but the relationship was always volatile. One minute, she was telling me how much she loved me and how she thought that the universe/God/whatever had brought us together--she was a militant atheist but couched it in those terms for some reason--and the next she'd be telling me that she never said those things and that I was "delusional." She was also very distant, regularly blew off things we were supposed to do together, and was very wary of casual physical contact. I knew something was "off." She alluded to it, her family alluded to it--when telling me they were surprised I was still around--but nobody ever came out and said what it was.

Two years after we broke up, she told me she is both bipolar and a person afflicted with high-functioning autism. That would have been really good info when I was in the hell of the low points of that relationship. Not only was the behavior weirdly erratic, but you have a tendency to see the problems as stemming from you when you're constantly deeply depressed. (And I would have been way, way more understanding and tolerant of her behavior. I went from having my heartbeat kick into another notch whenever she entered a room to still feeling like that but thinking she was selfish, rude, mean, and a little nuts.)

The grand lesson I learned there is that there are worse things than being alone. Being in a situation where two people are strongly emotionally bonded but neither is able to really deal with emotional extremes is one of those things. My advice in light of that would be to focus less on dating and more on getting your shit together and building an awesome life. If someone comes along after you've done that, that's great. If not, you have your house and order and have a good life.

 

[Boundlife]

Exposing others to mental illness is more than cruel. Why would you want to do that to another human being?

I've often felt that way about my physical illness. I don't want to deal with it, so how can I think of asking someone else to Choose to deal with it. What should I do? Cut myself off from all my friends, try to keep my family away? Where do I draw the line?

Who decides when you have a problem that exposing others to is cruel?
What should be done to limit the cruelty of the ill on the healthy?

Having a bad personal experience isn't a good reason to suggest to someone they are harming every one in their life.

 

[mythtrav16]

Having a little experience in this matter. I can only say, to deprive a person of the most intimate form of contact, is cruel.
I hope my spelling lives up to my learned proceeders standards

I agree. Everyone, except maybe the foulest criminals, has the right to feel love and to be able to express that love physically.

And your spelling is fine.

Do you take your med(s) as prescribed and follow your health care provider's advice? Are you under the care of a good psychiatrist and doing talk therapy?

For me, that would be the main thing. I don't deal well when people don't do what they can to be healthy and happy.

Trouble is, that those meds don't always work and good psychiatrists can be damn near impossible to find and hard to afford even if you can find one.

I hate to sound like a major downer, but sometimes real help just isn't there for people with problems (be they emotional, phyisical or spiritual). Sometimes it's just that person vs. their problems vs. the world.

I don't know how to deal with dating. It works when I'm in a more normative state (I'm bipolar), but in hypomanic or depressive states... I mean it can get bad at any time.

You don't need bipolar to have that impression of dating, believe me.

In an LTR this is an annoyance but doable... but when you're just starting a relationship it's... well... hard. I firmly believe that not wanting to date me after seeing me in a particularly bad state is totally reasonable, and would not say anything foul of those people who would choose that.

But that leaves me in a quandary. Dating me can end up being a very difficult endeavor. I do not mean to overblow my condition, but it can get to people and it is very hard to understand.

A couple of points to considder: First of all, (and please forgive my ignorance of bipolar here), but does your condition follow a predictable cycle, at all? If so, perhaps you could reschedule any dates for the most convienient part of your emotional cycle. Of course, you still need to let them know about your condition, but perhaps not necessarily on the first date. Wait and see if there's any chemistry between her and yourself. If the two of you would never have worked out anyway, why bother to bring the bipolar up? But if things are interesting enough for a second date, perhaps then she should know what she's getting in to, before she gets too emotionally invested.

Having said that, I'm sure there are a few women out there who would be less than impressed that you didn't tell them about your condition up-front. But I don't know anyone who attempts to start an LTR by running off a list of their flaws before their prospective partner has had a chance to see some of their virtue.

Second thought: Perhaps you could find a woman with managed bi-polar to date? She would be sympathetic to your condition and you would be sympathetic to hers.


At any rate, I wish you good luck in your search for a significant other.

 

[SweetErika]

I've often felt that way about my physical illness. I don't want to deal with it, so how can I think of asking someone else to Choose to deal with it. What should I do? Cut myself off from all my friends, try to keep my family away? Where do I draw the line?

Who decides when you have a problem that exposing others to is cruel?
What should be done to limit the cruelty of the ill on the healthy?

Having a bad personal experience isn't a good reason to suggest to someone they are harming every one in their life.

I totally agree. And particularly with most mental illnesses, self-isolation one of the unhealthiest things one can do, period.

I think the key word you used is "choose." You may not want to deal with your illness, but you should definitely keep giving people the chance to know, support and love you because you clearly have a lot of great things to offer, from what you've said here. I'm sure your loved ones and social network want to have the choice to spend time with you, regardless of your health issues, so there's no reason to make the choice for them by isolating yourself and/or pushing folks away.

Whether the issues are physical or mental, I still believe it comes down to how one deals with them. A lack of self-worth, care, negative attitude, etc., is almost certainly going to drive those we want and need in our lives to choose to stay away, whereas valuing, taking care of ourselves and being as positive as possible will start, maintain and even improve those healthy relationships.

 

[Boundlife]

SweetErika, don't worry, I'm not a hermit I was responding to heiflet. That comment pissed me off while giving me a twinge of guilt about what I was "doing" to my loved ones
Seeing someone tell every person with a mental illness that they being cruel just by being in the world just...

 

[Kurokami]

SweetErika, don't worry, I'm not a hermit I was responding to heiflet. That comment pissed me off while giving me a twinge of guilt about what I was "doing" to my loved ones
Seeing someone tell every person with a mental illness that they being cruel just by being in the world just...

Agreed, and it also completely disregards the benefits a good relationship can have for a person who's suffering. Personally, I used to be completely against even sleeping in the same room as whoever I was dating (I've got posttraumatic stress disorder and have suffered recurring nightmares for a long time) for fear of exposing that part of myself to that person. It stopped me from dating for quite a while.

When I met my wife, not only did she have the internal strength to endure me, push me into treatment, and make me into a halfway healthy human being. Granted, this is just a personal story and maybe not applicable to anyone, but if a guy like me can get better that way...

 

[Boundlife]

Agreed, and it also completely disregards the benefits a good relationship can have for a person who's suffering. Personally, I used to be completely against even sleeping in the same room as whoever I was dating (I've got posttraumatic stress disorder and have suffered recurring nightmares for a long time) for fear of exposing that part of myself to that person. It stopped me from dating for quite a while.

When I met my wife, not only did she have the internal strength to endure me, push me into treatment, and make me into a halfway healthy human being. Granted, this is just a personal story and maybe not applicable to anyone, but if a guy like me can get better that way...

I love hearing stories like this.
To both of you

It takes an extraordinary person to deal with the extraordinary

 

[sdineen]

g

Here here. I am in a wheelchair, which causes its own problems.
People need to be open, but also to feel they arent going to be persecuted.
I doubt heiflet could survive for 5 mins if he or she dealt with our problems

 

[Kurokami]

I love hearing stories like this.
To both of you

It takes an extraordinary person to deal with the extraordinary

Extraordinary? That's my wife, alright!

Here here. I am in a wheelchair, which causes its own problems.
People need to be open, but also to feel they arent going to be persecuted.
I doubt heiflet could survive for 5 mins if he or she dealt with our problems

Exactly! And aside from the bizarre semi-victimizing of people with genuine issues that they can't control, heiflet's "advice," will just end up causing more issues that it purports to solve. So, what? I'm just supposed to sit up in my room, alone, as my mind slowly erodes away to nothing through lack of human contact, for fear of inconveniencing other people? Sorry, no dice: I already tried being alone. It made things worse. I can't imagine an instance in which it would improve anyone else's life, mental illness or no.

The above paragraph is about as confrontational as I get, but goddamn, reading over heiflet's posts in this thread, I feel it's justified.

 

[sdineen]

rt

I know what you mean. I go for funding for the doctorate I bankrupt myself to get, and social workers offer to Put me out of my misery. I'm quite serious.
I must say, you have the guts and courage of a true ozlander.
Had the honor of visiting Canberra and Sydney five years ago!
Lovely trip

 

[Kurokami]

I know what you mean. I go for funding for the doctorate I bankrupt myself to get, and social workers offer to Put me out of my misery. I'm quite serious.
I must say, you have the guts and courage of a true ozlander.
Had the honor of visiting Canberra and Sydney five years ago!
Lovely trip

First line: What?! Seriously?! Jesus...

I thank you for the compliment, but ironically I met my wife in Britain and started treatment in Japan. Not gonna argue with you about how nice Australia is, though; there's a reason I came back. Love it here, bar all the deadly deadly animals

 

[winning77]

Having dated/lived with someone for over a year with clinically diagnosed bi-polar disorder and borderline personality disorder, I can say(at least from my own experiences) that everyday is a challenge. Just as everything seems to be going well, it changes in the blink of an eye. If you really care about someone then you will try to find a way to make things work. I couldnt deal with her harming herself though, she would cut her arms and legs, burn herself with cigarettes, etc etc. Counseling did not seem to help. I even went as far as sending her to a rehab of sorts, a month long stay in missouri where people learn to find other methods of expressing themselves rather than self harm. I talked to her on the phone every night, and she seemed to be in better spirits each day. I was surprised to pick up my phone one afternoon to see that she was calling me from her cell phone, which she left with her parents. Apparently she was kicked out for injuring herself which is against the contract she signed when she arrived. I was out of options and had no where else to turn. Its hard dating someone who is hot/cold about everything, including myself toward the end of the relationship. Not sure if this is all that helpful, I guess I needed to get that out of my system, ive never told anyone the whole story before. Sorry for hijacking your thread...

 

[Boundlife]

Having dated/lived with someone for over a year with clinically diagnosed bi-polar disorder and borderline personality disorder, I can say(at least from my own experiences) that everyday is a challenge. Just as everything seems to be going well, it changes in the blink of an eye. If you really care about someone then you will try to find a way to make things work. I couldnt deal with her harming herself though, she would cut her arms and legs, burn herself with cigarettes, etc etc. Counseling did not seem to help. I even went as far as sending her to a rehab of sorts, a month long stay in missouri where people learn to find other methods of expressing themselves rather than self harm. I talked to her on the phone every night, and she seemed to be in better spirits each day. I was surprised to pick up my phone one afternoon to see that she was calling me from her cell phone, which she left with her parents. Apparently she was kicked out for injuring herself which is against the contract she signed when she arrived. I was out of options and had no where else to turn. Its hard dating someone who is hot/cold about everything, including myself toward the end of the relationship. Not sure if this is all that helpful, I guess I needed to get that out of my system, ive never told anyone the whole story before. Sorry for hijacking your thread...

To quote Shrek "Better out than in" You tried, it didn't work. Many people don't have the guts to even try