One size dose;nt fit all?

[kimuk]

No its not a thread about butt pulgs! lol

In my never ending search for enlightenment it occurs to me that the concept of a D/s relationship differs depending on the needs of each individual.

That in essance, one size dosent fit all.

That there is much trial an error, lots of blips and glitches along the way. That ofen you can get the wrong end of the stick and totally get wrong what the other one wants ,needs and desires.

So how did you find out what fitted you?

What methods, tools and means did you use to allow your Dom to know what you needed ? To express your desires to your sub? To find the "perfect" fit?

 

[CutieMouse]

A decade or so of trial and error. LOL

 

[kimuk]

Oh bloody hell! .......well only six months in! it will be hard work then! LOL

i think the thing i find so difficult that he asks me what i want/ need.

The truth is i dont know? its all so new to me. But i do know when I dont like something. Saying no or saying not like that is what I find so hard.

 

[kimuk]

But I Know the essance of him is the perfect fit....I'm just fed up with one of us not understanding what the other needs and then going off on one about it or getting upset about it.

He has sugested a " signal" when something is not acceptable on either side. Not going as far a using my safe word , but an early warning system . A stop for a while we need to talk about this more.

Good idea?

 

[CutieMouse]

But I Know the essance of him is the perfect fit....I'm just fed up with one of us not understanding what the other needs and then going off on one about it or getting upset about it.

*To me* that would not be a "perfect fit."

*To me* the perfect fit would be an arrangement where I get to say something like "Ya know how I thought the whole cell popping thing would be the world's coolest endorphin high? Turns out... yeah. Not so much. Can we talk about it?" And nobody gets upset or loses sub points or Dom points or whatever.

 

[M1ch3ll3o0o]

He has sugested a " signal" when something is not acceptable on either side. Not going as far a using my safe word , but an early warning system . A stop for a while we need to talk about this more.

Good idea?

Certainly a good idea! Something that was introduced to me recently is the "stop light" signal, where green means good, yellow means I'm not sure, lets give that some time, and red means stop now.

I think these are pretty good when you're simply not sure about something, that way the scene doesn't need to end but your partner knows to slow down, back off, and take things in a different direction

 

[Noira]

Of course one size doesn't fit all. Sure, some people go on about Twue Submission and crap like that (oh shit I capitalized submission I FAILED AT TWUE POSTING ABOUT BDSM), but when it comes down to it, relationships are individual to the two+ people involved in said relationship, their individual needs and requirements, and the meeting of said requirements.

You find out what fits you the same way you would in a vanilla relationship.

Communication.

If something has to be said, then you have to be able to trust your partner to listen. If your partner has something that needs to be said, they have to be able to trust you to listen. To be able to say "I want to try this" and then say "and it didn't work for me, but thanks for the effort, I appreciate it," and not be rejected for coming to terms with something about yourself is really the best way I can think of to try things on: build on trust and communication, and then try jumping in a few pools to see how the water splashes.

Be confident in yourself to say "no", because you are the first tool to effective communication and relationship building. If you can't be confident to say "I don't like this shirt" you're going to end up with an awful large wardrobe of clothing that doesn't fit.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

He has sugested a " signal" when something is not acceptable on either side. Not going as far a using my safe word , but an early warning system . A stop for a while we need to talk about this more.

Good idea?

Yup, we have that. An emotional safeword as such. Something I can say so we can stop and discuss everytihng *before* I have a bit of a meltdown.

It works well, because using it actually makes me stop and think about what I'm having an issue with, instead of overreacting and acting rashly out of emotion.

 

[eastern sun]

I identify as slave, but I have never felt that I couldn't tell him what I was feeling or experiencing. Sometimes I held my tongue because I thought I should. And sometimes he didn't care if I was uncomfortable. But I have always felt like his equal partner in our life together.

CutieMouse is right. It took us many, many years of trial and error - and we're still working on it twenty five years later. Sometimes you shut yourself down when you should speak up. Sometimes you speak up when you should shut yourself down. But ultimately you only really learn by doing it. And, in my opinion, it's a life worth living.

A lot of times it seems like the very first person who is willing to play these games with you feels like "a perfect fit," because you're comparing them with everyone else who didn't. Unfortunately, there is still so much diversity in people's sexuality, it may not be true that - just because someone wants to dominate or submit to you - you'll be compatible in a long-term relationship.

You can definitely learn to like someone over time. Learn to trust them. But if you're not able to "play" together, and by that I mean everything that children mean by it - things like establishing the ground rules without fighting over who's in charge all the time, sharing the same imaginative worlds, knowing when to call off the game cause someone just got hurt, and most important of all - having fun - if you're not able to "play" together, I think it would be really hard to build one of these relationships that lasts.

 

[kimuk]

i think fighting is the wrong word , we dont fight , we sometimes misinterperate what the other means. We usually clear it up when we talk on the phone. Seems to me that the written word is more easily misunderstood than the spoken one. Especially the text message ones. Especially if your rushed. Thats when one of us has "gone off on one" and afterwards thought thats not exactly what was ment.

i think a" hold on there a mom we have got crossed wires" would would work really well. I usually say this needs to be sorted out in real time , voice to voice and that seems to work well for us.

Arrrrrr the joy of the LDR lol

 

[lilcuriouscatt]

This may sound pretty banal, but very early in the relationship I try to talk to my boy about his fantasies, how he sees himself acting as a sub, how he sees himself serving. As others have mentioned, good communication is very, very important. And time does help, you can't learn everything about someone in just a few months. As people grow and mature, they change and their wants and needs change too. So it all goes back to good communication.

 

[kimuk]

This may sound pretty banal, but very early in the relationship I try to talk to my boy about his fantasies, how he sees himself acting as a sub, how he sees himself serving. As others have mentioned, good communication is very, very important. And time does help, you can't learn everything about someone in just a few months. As people grow and mature, they change and their wants and needs change too. So it all goes back to good communication.

Absolutly agree. But sometimes I feel that our relationship dosent match up to the purists satndards. But then I think that dosent metter because it has to fit us dosent it? what we want ? what we need from each other. We will redfine our needs 100 times and eventually we will get to where we want to both be.

I'm just interested to see what methods others used?

And if there are any tips on how to avoid the crossed wires?

He is away at present and I have been writing a journal. I have found it a very good way just to put down what i think, want, need.

He will have a lot to read when he comes home lol ....but he says he'll read every sentance. Will give us loads to talk about I think?

 

[goddamhippy]

On the subject of safe words, My pyl calls me PYL when we play, when we aren't playing we call each other babe or sometimes our nicknames.

If we're pissed off, we tend to call each other by our full names, so we decided that the safeword is my full name, purely because it comes out like that naturally in times of stress.

 

[EbersMoll]

On the subject of safe words, My pyl calls me PYL when we play, when we aren't playing we call each other babe or sometimes our nicknames.

If we're pissed off, we tend to call each other by our full names, so we decided that the safeword is my full name, purely because it comes out like that naturally in times of stress.

Excellent idea!

Unfortunately my full name has 9 syllables so the damage may already be done by the time she gets that out

 

[goddamhippy]

Excellent idea!

Unfortunately my full name has 9 syllables so the damage may already be done by the time she gets that out

ah yes can see an issue there, not so bad for us, EG: PYL being Master, nickname being 'Rob' and full name being 'Robert'

*not real names to avoid internet faux pas*

 

[Stella_Omega]

I just heard a talk about this. A very experienced leather master, who had a slave who has since gone on to become a master in her (yes, female) own right.

He insists on protocol. "Sir yes Sir," means "yes. Sir, if it pleases you sir," signifies that the slave has some qualms in which case he will ask what the problem is, and if the slave really REALLY can't do something, "Sir, only if it pleases you." In which case, the master had better think very carefully about how and why it would please Master to have slave do this thing, knowing that slave is on the verge of mutiny.

Well into their relationship, he gave her an order and she said: "no." he said; "What?" and she repeated; "no." And in fact, what he was asking her to do could have made trouble for her in her career.

When they got home, the collar came off. It took four months to replace the collar.

there is one more safeword that they instigated, an emotional safeword, which was his name. She never addressed him as anything except "master" under any other circumstance.

 

[goddamhippy]

I just heard a talk about this. A very experienced leather master, who had a slave who has since gone on to become a master in her (yes, female) own right.

He insists on protocol. "Sir yes Sir," means "yes. Sir, if it pleases you sir," signifies that the slave has some qualms in which case he will ask what the problem is, and if the slave really REALLY can't do something, "Sir, only if it pleases you." In which case, the master had better think very carefully about how and why it would please Master to have slave do this thing, knowing that slave is on the verge of mutiny.

Well into their relationship, he gave her an order and she said: "no." he said; "What?" and she repeated; "no." And in fact, what he was asking her to do could have made trouble for her in her career.

When they got home, the collar came off. It took four months to replace the collar.

there is one more safeword that they instigated, an emotional safeword, which was his name. She never addressed him as anything except "master" under any other circumstance.

Interesting, I can see the need for some graduation or a sliding scale. indicating a level of discomfort relative to soft or hard boundaries... probably particularly useful in a 24/7 lifestyle.

I find use of a proper name has the ability to snap both PYL and pyl out of a scene in a way that an arbitrary word such as 'banana' (thank you 'family guy') cannot.

 

[kimuk]

Sort like when you want to let your kids know your being serious by using their full name?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sort like when you want to let your kids know your being serious by using their full name?

yeah, exactly-- it's the supreme argument stopper!

 

[HottieMama]

Sort like when you want to let your kids know your being serious by using their full name?

yeah, exactly-- it's the supreme argument stopper!

You both have never obviously met my heathens...

 

[kimuk]

You both have never obviously met my heathens...

LOL ........that dosent have the desired effect then?

 

[HottieMama]

LOL ........that dosent have the desired effect then?

No...because I made the mistake of teaching them my full name...So I just get it right back...

 

[Kurokami]

Interesting, I can see the need for some graduation or a sliding scale. indicating a level of discomfort relative to soft or hard boundaries... probably particularly useful in a 24/7 lifestyle.

I find use of a proper name has the ability to snap both PYL and pyl out of a scene in a way that an arbitrary word such as 'banana' (thank you 'family guy') cannot.

My wife and I use a sliding scale based on name modifiers; we used to live in Japan when we started practicing, so to speak, and so we use Japanese suffixes as a sort of marker as to where the submissive party is, mentally. The 'sama' suffix, roughly equivalent to master, for our purposes, is a green light. A switch down to 'san' means to be more careful and slow things down, and if 'baka' (moron) is broken out, it's time to shut things down.

She and I are both switches, and not totally serious about protocol as it is (hence the disrespectful safeword) but we sort of got set in our ways in this respect; both of us were learning Japanese as we went and figured we should stick to it when we could. Fast forward a couple years, we're both in an English speaking country, but by now it's just habit.

It may be true that hearing your name in a scene might break the mood, but there are ways around that and besides, if push comes to shove and your pyl wants out, you're going to pay attention to your own name. At least, that's how it works for us.

Oh, and Hottie? I don't need any more reason to be nervous and twitchy about becoming a parent, thanks all the same

 

[kimuk]

No...because I made the mistake of teaching them my full name...So I just get it right back...

Arrrrrrr just tie em up and thrash em!

ooooooo isnt that where we sarted?

lol

 

[HottieMama]

Oh, and Hottie? I don't need any more reason to be nervous and twitchy about becoming a parent, thanks all the same

I could tell you stories that would make you gasp in shock and awe...
I have three boys all under the age of 7. Life is FUN some days...and I don't mean that in the "C'mon kids we're going to the amusement park" type of way...