A change of perspective

[GeorgieH]

Hi to all,

I've been scribbling away here for a year or two and finally decided to try my hand at something different. Specifically I wanted to stretch myself (so to speak - one has to be a little circumspect here) and try writing from a perspective that was as alien to me as possible - or on other words, to try writing a story as a male.

I liked the writing style I came up with but I really can't possibly say whether it actually reads as if it were written by someone of the opposite sex, and that's why I'm here to request feedback.

Don't get me wrong - I always appreciate the efforts of (almost all) people who take the time to let me know what they think of my writing and my stories, but in this case I really would like to hear about how much the reader can believe that a guy wrote the tale.

All comments will be gratefully received for:

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-new-perspective-1

Thanks to all,

Georgie

 

[bwallard]

Your problem is not your representation of the male point of view. Your problem is that you're feeding us your author's notes.

You're giving us background before giving us the story. It's great that you're researching your characters in this way, but we don't need to know all that. We want to see your characters in action, moving the story forward.

What is the first physical event of your story? Start with the one after that and leave us to figure out all the stuff you know.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Georgie, I must agree with bwallard. The story notes should not be there. There is no problem for a woman writing from a male POV but if you announce the fact we are too aware of the subterfuge - especially as you choose 1st person POV.

Also, 1st person is very emotional and, to me, quite difficult to handle well. If I had just read your story cold I would have clicked back with all those offf-putting theatrical appeals to the readers (let me tell you, you would be surprized etc.) that destroyed the one-on-one rapport you were trying to create. In 3rd person you don't talk to the audience so why then in first?

Again as bw says, you have not enough action and too much explication, a negative demonstration of the universal mantra of 'show don't tell'.

From my experience, you treat the male reaction to female body parts with too much sensitivity. Not just boobs, but ass and hips should feature here. Then you make the mother almost masculine. We all dress for ourselves or to impress other women, so your sudden change in her reaction jars a bit.

You can do it but I think you need to stop worrying

 

[sr71plt]

Erotica is supposed to be emotional. That's a big part that separates it from porn. And first person is the premier voice for emotional connection and intimacy. And it's idoiotic to say that a new writer can't write as well from the first person as the third person. I challenge citation of authoritative sources making that claim.

What one person claims is difficult for them to handle--should they actually write any erotica--doesn't need to be taken as a barrier for anyone else.

Try it both in first and third (I suggest you hold off for second until you've done quite a bit of writing and slugged back at least three beers) and just go with the one that seems most natural to you.

 

[SydneyBlake]

My first gut reaction is to suggest that you delete the long author's note. A short one's okay, but if I have to read through something that long just to get to the first sentence of the story, then I'm more likely to just hit the back button. And don't apologize up front like that. Don't apologize on the back end, either. In fact, just don't apologize. It is what it is. Let it be.

 

[sr71plt]

My first gut reaction is to suggest that you delete the long author's note. A short one's okay, but if I have to read through something that long just to get to the first sentence of the story, then I'm more likely to just hit the back button. And don't apologize up front like that. Don't apologize on the back end, either. In fact, just don't apologize. It is what it is. Let it be.

Amen to that.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Erotica is supposed to be emotional. That's a big part that separates it from porn. And first person is the premier voice for emotional connection and intimacy. And it's idoiotic to say that a new writer can't write as well from the first person as the third person. I challenge citation of authoritative sources making that claim.

What one person claims is difficult for them to handle--should they actually write any erotica--doesn't need to be taken as a barrier for anyone else.

Try it both in first and third and just go with the one that seems most natural to you.

As always, you pursue me with some personal fetish, fail to read the story and regurgitate your arrogant inanities about first person with no regard for the so apparent elephant traps.

I said first person was an emotional POV and could be very effective. Because you are more concerned about stalking me than giving advice (why are you here?) you failed to read the story.

Given your great knowledge and experience, I fail to understand the mote in your eye that blinds you to the difference between well-written, emotional first person narrative and the tedious, non-emotional take of writers who fail to understand the potency of first person, indeed, the well-known fiction problem of those authors that want to stop and talk to the reader.

I have no problem with first person but first-time fiction writers would do well to start with third person to hone their skills

 

[GeorgieH]

The Originial Question

Well, thank you to all who spent so much time writing about introductions and then each others take on narrative perspectives. I can happily take from this the fact that long introductions are to be avoided. Now, I wonder if anyone could answer my original question - is my male voice believable as being male?

 

[sandm321]

It was ok. But you can make it natural by letting the readers discover the stuff by themselves which will just make it so much better. But good work.

 

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