ok. Here goes...

[BooMerengue]

Here's a poem I wrote a long time ago. (just looked at the date and forgot it already! sheeeeesh) I posted it here but it never got any comments at all. I like this one. But do you? And please-tell the TRUTH! I'm a glutton for honesty. Really.

Fuck. I dropped it. I'll go get it. Wait...



The Munchkin Thieves
byBooMerengue©

All my words are caught by Munchkins
and I see them having luncheon
on the orts of my obsessions
that no longer work for me.

Off they go across the playground
dribblin' words I thought were unknown
dragging secrets I had hidden
as they scatter through the trees

swinging words like plastic yoyo's.
"Those are mine!" I scream but oh no
Mine are gone; my Muse has fooled me
and I cannot get them back.

Now the days are getting shorter
as the nights are getting darker
and my mind is getting grayer
All my words are nearly gone.

But the few that I remember
hold my memories close as whispers
and I’ll keep them til the end days
Letting go with my last breath.

So bend down and listen closely
as I smile I hear you sighing
I will tell you my last secrets
seeing my words in your eyes.

Now I know that you’ll protect them
I will trust that you’ll respect them
though please keep them locked away from
any Munchkins that you meet!

 

[twelveoone]

Here's a poem I wrote a long time ago. (just looked at the date and forgot it already! sheeeeesh) I posted it here but it never got any comments at all. I like this one. But do you? And please-tell the TRUTH! I'm a glutton for honesty. Really.

Fuck. I dropped it. I'll go get it. Wait...



The Munchkin Thieves
byBooMerengue©

All my words are caught by Munchkins
and I see them having luncheon
on the orts of my obsessions
that no longer work for me.

Off they go across the playground
dribblin' words I thought were unknown
dragging secrets I had hidden
as they scatter through the trees

swinging words like plastic yoyo's.
"Those are mine!" I scream but oh no
Mine are gone; my Muse has fooled me
and I cannot get them back.

Now the days are getting shorter
as the nights are getting darker
and my mind is getting grayer
All my words are nearly gone.

But the few that I remember
hold my memories close as whispers
and I’ll keep them til the end days cliche
Letting go with my last breath. cliche

So bend down and listen closely
as I smile; hear you sighing
I will tell you my last secrets
seeing my words in your eyes.

Now I know that you’ll protect them
I will trust that you’ll respect them
though please keep them locked away from
any Munchkins that you meet!

I like these end lines, right away. Progressive acceleration in S4.

correction S4

 

[Andy1981]

Now the days are getting shorter
as the nights are getting darker
and my mind is getting grayer
All my words are nearly gone.

I like this section especially, nicely done

 

[ishtat]

Here's a poem I wrote a long time ago. (just looked at the date and forgot it already! sheeeeesh) I posted it here but it never got any comments at all. I like this one. But do you? And please-tell the TRUTH! I'm a glutton for honesty. Really.

Fuck. I dropped it. I'll go get it. Wait...



The Munchkin Thieves
byBooMerengue©

All my words are caught by Munchkins
and I see them having luncheon
on the orts of my obsessions
that no longer work for me.

Off they go across the playground
dribblin' words I thought were unknown
dragging secrets I had hidden
as they scatter through the trees

swinging words like plastic yoyo's.
"Those are mine!" I scream but oh no
Mine are gone; my Muse has fooled me
and I cannot get them back.

Now the days are getting shorter
as the nights are getting darker
and my mind is getting grayer
All my words are nearly gone.

But the few that I remember
hold my memories close as whispers
and I’ll keep them til the end days
Letting go with my last breath.

So bend down and listen closely
as I smile; hear you sighing
I will tell you my last secrets
seeing my words in your eyes.

Now I know that you’ll protect them
I will trust that you’ll respect them
though please keep them locked away from
any Munchkins that you meet!

I like the Australian Colloquialism in line 3, but the best feature of this poem is its rhythm and movement. It is great fun to read out loud.

Those 2 lines 1201 suggested were cliche, perhaps but as cliches go, not so bad.

But the last two lines of the penultimate stanza lose the rhythm and maybe need another shot. Might also in the 2nd line of that stanza delete the ; and put an and in its stead?. I think the poems 'movement' stumbles at that point.

Finally, the title maybe suggests the theft, of, rather than by, munchkins, though I would keep it as it sounds good even if a bit ambiguous.

 

[BooMerengue]

Oh! Nice stuff you guys. Thanks. Gonna repost w/ corrections in a while but my laundry is screaming at me.

 

[butters]

it took me a few read-throughs to find the right accenting to read this 'right' and make it follow the rhythm i'm sure you wrote into it. that is not a criticism, just an observation.

however, i can't help but find the whole 'munchkin' thing a turn-off as i read this. i just get it out of my head as i progress through the piece, only to run into it again at the end. this is, most likely, a case of personal perception - i never did like those damned munchkins. i am also at a loss to suggest what you might replace it with.

especially liked your phrase 'the orts of my obsessions'. that was unusual and jumped out of the screen for me.

i agree with the other guys about the strengths of v4, though my brain keeps trying to read 'gone' as 'done'.

not keen on 'seeing my words in your eyes'. i get what you mean, but perhaps 'understanding in your eyes' or something that shows us the reaction that's seen in the eyes... acceptance? knowledge? support? no, not support.


not entirely sure i am 100% about 'hold my memories close as whispers'. i'm tripping on the word 'my' there. with additional readings, it's smoothing out a little more... but i want to hear something fresher than holding something close, though close as whispers is, without doubt, on the money. perhaps you could substitute another word for 'hold'. perhaps my opinion will change with the next reading

 

[twelveoone]

Here's a poem I wrote a long time ago. (just looked at the date and forgot it already! sheeeeesh) I posted it here but it never got any comments at all. I like this one. But do you? And please-tell the TRUTH! I'm a glutton for honesty. Really.

Fuck. I dropped it. I'll go get it. Wait...



The Munchkin Thieves
byBooMerengue©

All my words are caught by Munchkins
and I see them having luncheon
on the orts of my obsessions
that no longer work for me.

Off they go across the playground
dribblin' words I thought were unknown
dragging secrets I had hidden
as they scatter through the trees

swinging words like plastic yoyo's.
"Those are mine!" I scream but oh no
Mine are gone; my Muse has fooled me
and I cannot get them back.

Now the days are getting shorter
as the nights are getting darker
and my mind is getting grayer
All my words are nearly gone.

But the few that I remember
hold my memories close as whispers
and I’ll keep them til the end days
Letting go with my last breath.

So bend down and listen closely
as I smile; hear you sighing
I will tell you my last secrets
seeing my words in your eyes.

Now I know that you’ll protect them
I will trust that you’ll respect them
though please keep them locked away from
any Munchkins that you meet!

these two lines have a song like quality that propel to the end.

Now I know that you’ll protect them
I will trust that you’ll respect them

You also might want to think about the use of verbs as to alignment. i.e. where do you want tense change, what are they doing? As is, this has a song like quality and a certain flippancy (plastic yo-yos...oh no), that I don't think you want to lose. Agreeing (I think) with ishtat.

True as far as cliches go the two line I mentioned aren't bad. However, are they of the quality of "memories close as whispers"

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I too had to read through several times to keep the momentum going, it was the penultimate stanza I had to most trouble with until I changed where I put the emphasis ..... oh and I like the use of Munchkins please don't change it

 

[BooMerengue]

I dont know how to do the quotes in here so I'm just gonna say from memory...

What is an Australian Colloquialism? 'orts' is a crossword puzzle word. But it's a scrap of food, I think. My words are what the Munchkins want... not my memories or thoughts but the actual words that are in my head. I have a real problem anymore remembering certain words when I need them. The Munchkins are winning.

12? What is this? Progressive acceleration in S4. and you lost me here.. might want to think about the use of verbs as to alignment. i.e. where do you want tense change, what are they doing?

I changed the : to I. Reads better then yet another and. I'm sorry about not liking Munchkins. Picture Purple Pac Men in my head gobbling my words.

Share what you think, but remember when you're saying something to me. I have never had a class in Poetry and so I don't know or understand the terms I would have learned if I had.

Thank you all. This is hard. Ange will tell you I HATE editing. In my head- out my mouth and then its done. Move on. Thats my method.

 

[ishtat]

!!

I dont know how to do the quotes in here so I'm just gonna say from memory...

What is an Australian Colloquialism? 'orts' is a crossword puzzle word. But it's a scrap of food, I think.

The Macquarie Dictionary which is generally the go to dictionary for Australian vocabulary agrees with your definition.

However, the Australian Concise Oxford Dictionary defines 'Ort' as noun. Aust. coarse colloq. the anus, 20th century, origin unknown

In other words Boo, an asshole... but I know what you meant.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

The Macquarie Dictionary which is generally the go to dictionary for Australian vocabulary agrees with your definition.

However, the Australian Concise Oxford Dictionary defines 'Ort' as noun. Aust. coarse colloq. the anus, 20th century, origin unknown

In other words Boo, an asshole... but I know what you meant.

LOL that puts a whole new meaning on the piece !

 

[butters]

I dont know how to do the quotes in here so I'm just gonna say from memory...

What is an Australian Colloquialism? 'orts' is a crossword puzzle word. But it's a scrap of food, I think. My words are what the Munchkins want... not my memories or thoughts but the actual words that are in my head. I have a real problem anymore remembering certain words when I need them. The Munchkins are winning.

12? What is this? Progressive acceleration in S4. and you lost me here.. might want to think about the use of verbs as to alignment. i.e. where do you want tense change, what are they doing?

I changed the : to I. Reads better then yet another and. I'm sorry about not liking Munchkins. Picture Purple Pac Men in my head gobbling my words.

Share what you think, but remember when you're saying something to me. I have never had a class in Poetry and so I don't know or understand the terms I would have learned if I had.

Thank you all. This is hard. Ange will tell you I HATE editing. In my head- out my mouth and then its done. Move on. Thats my method.

in my dictionary, orts are crumbs, scraps, small pieces of detritus

 

[twelveoone]

I dont know how to do the quotes in here so I'm just gonna say from memory...

What is an Australian Colloquialism? 'orts' is a crossword puzzle word. But it's a scrap of food, I think. My words are what the Munchkins want... not my memories or thoughts but the actual words that are in my head. I have a real problem anymore remembering certain words when I need them. The Munchkins are winning.

12? What is this? Progressive acceleration in S4. and you lost me here.. might want to think about the use of verbs as to alignment. i.e. where do you want tense change, what are they doing?

I changed the : to I. Reads better then yet another and. I'm sorry about not liking Munchkins. Picture Purple Pac Men in my head gobbling my words.

Share what you think, but remember when you're saying something to me. I have never had a class in Poetry and so I don't know or understand the terms I would have learned if I had.

Thank you all. This is hard. Ange will tell you I HATE editing. In my head- out my mouth and then its done. Move on. Thats my method.

12? What is this? Progressive acceleration in S4. Don't worry about it its good.
Munchkins go better with lunchkins, Pac men don't
Verb tense is a grammar question, rephrasing what do you want now, in the future or in the past and how active or passive do you want these things. Not that I really care that much since grammar is innate.

S4 is nothing but shorthand for 4th stanza, L1 would be line one. And the problem with poetry terms, is that they have other meanings in near fields. Don't worry about it. I don't.

 

[BooMerengue]

The Macquarie Dictionary which is generally the go to dictionary for Australian vocabulary agrees with your definition.

However, the Australian Concise Oxford Dictionary defines 'Ort' as noun. Aust. coarse colloq. the anus, 20th century, origin unknown

In other words Boo, an asshole... but I know what you meant.

Oh no! The assholes of my obsessions?? eewwww... Tho I must admit I have obsessed over some real assholes in my life! lmao

 

[BooMerengue]

Well if someone is trying to tell me something- and they've been good enough to take the time to do it-I want to know what they're saying.

So that's it? I should leave it as is? Cool! That wasn't so painful. But PLEASE don't tell Ange I did it. She'll jump in w/ her terms and thoughts and boggle me. lol But in a friendly way fer shure! lol Wish her neck would get better. I'd hate to have to go over the mtn just to get her opinion...

Thanks, all of you! *Blowin kisses as I wander off...

 

[CharleyH]

Ange'd be proud. I'm proud. What a fun and wonderful poem, Boo. xo

 

[BooMerengue]

Ange'd be proud. I'm proud. What a fun and wonderful poem, Boo. xo

I miss you. TY. And I miss Lauren. Do I have to come over there?