Ok, this is my first post here, and my first post of this kind, and probably the first time in my life I am stating things as they are, but I really need some help, and I thought this would be the right place to find it. It's a really long story, and for this I apologize.
I'll start with simple facts. I am 22, and a girl, but here comes the first problem: I always wanted to be a boy. I used to think that it was because boys could do cooler things and got the cooler toys, but as I grew up things grew worse. I found myself unable to socialize with "girly" girls because we had nothing in common. I started despising my body for being weaker than that of a boy, and so on.
When it came to sexual preferences, though, only men could spark my attention. Not boys, mind you, but grown men. I never tried to pursue a relationship, anyway, because I am generally regarded as not attractive and quite shy. At this stage of my life, I thought of myself as your average straight girl.
Finally at 18 I met this girl and after a few months I realized that I had fallen for her. Coming from a very conservative family and knowing she was in love with another guy, I never told her anything. I merely reclassified myself as a closeted bisexual.
We did, however, engage in an online roleplay, where I played the role of a guy.
Since I had always roleplayed as a male we both thought it was normal; what surprised me, though, was her character admitting to be in love with my own. Roleplay-wise, I acted the gentleman, courted her character and "we" even got married after some time. Then the roleplay naturally ended, but nothing had really changed between the two of us and we are still friends to this day.
When I was 20 I met this boy, a couple of years younger than me, who courted me and became my boyfriend. He is sweet, loving, and treats me like a princess, but I always felt like something was wrong. After some thought, I realized that while I loved the fact that he was my knight in shining armor, I kind of longed to be in his place. I felt like my soul was torn it two: part of it was that of a very submissive girl, who liked being cuddled and protected, and another part was that of a stubborn boy who liked to cuddle and protect.
Thus, I find myself confused and torn. Torn between the two people I seem to be, and confused because, maybe because of the time spent together, my boy-self has learned to tolerate and even appreciate my boyfriend. Still, the boy I always wanted to be gets a bitterer every day. When I look in the mirror, I see the features of an handsome boy trapped in a girly body, and his eyes - my eyes - are so sad I feel like crying. I find myself checking girls out. Or fantasizing about being a submissive gay boy.
What am I? A straight submissive girl? A lesbian girl? A gay submissive boy trapped in a girl's body? A straight boy trapped in a girl's body? I think I'm bisexual, but I really can't find peace as a girl, and I have absolutely no way to live as a boy. What can - and should - I do? Please, help me if you can.
I'll start with simple facts. I am 22, and a girl, but here comes the first problem: I always wanted to be a boy. I used to think that it was because boys could do cooler things and got the cooler toys, but as I grew up things grew worse. I found myself unable to socialize with "girly" girls because we had nothing in common. I started despising my body for being weaker than that of a boy, and so on.
When it came to sexual preferences, though, only men could spark my attention. Not boys, mind you, but grown men. I never tried to pursue a relationship, anyway, because I am generally regarded as not attractive and quite shy. At this stage of my life, I thought of myself as your average straight girl.
Finally at 18 I met this girl and after a few months I realized that I had fallen for her. Coming from a very conservative family and knowing she was in love with another guy, I never told her anything. I merely reclassified myself as a closeted bisexual.
We did, however, engage in an online roleplay, where I played the role of a guy.
Since I had always roleplayed as a male we both thought it was normal; what surprised me, though, was her character admitting to be in love with my own. Roleplay-wise, I acted the gentleman, courted her character and "we" even got married after some time. Then the roleplay naturally ended, but nothing had really changed between the two of us and we are still friends to this day.
When I was 20 I met this boy, a couple of years younger than me, who courted me and became my boyfriend. He is sweet, loving, and treats me like a princess, but I always felt like something was wrong. After some thought, I realized that while I loved the fact that he was my knight in shining armor, I kind of longed to be in his place. I felt like my soul was torn it two: part of it was that of a very submissive girl, who liked being cuddled and protected, and another part was that of a stubborn boy who liked to cuddle and protect.
Thus, I find myself confused and torn. Torn between the two people I seem to be, and confused because, maybe because of the time spent together, my boy-self has learned to tolerate and even appreciate my boyfriend. Still, the boy I always wanted to be gets a bitterer every day. When I look in the mirror, I see the features of an handsome boy trapped in a girly body, and his eyes - my eyes - are so sad I feel like crying. I find myself checking girls out. Or fantasizing about being a submissive gay boy.
What am I? A straight submissive girl? A lesbian girl? A gay submissive boy trapped in a girl's body? A straight boy trapped in a girl's body? I think I'm bisexual, but I really can't find peace as a girl, and I have absolutely no way to live as a boy. What can - and should - I do? Please, help me if you can.
)
)
