My first story - feedback appreciated

[theydoitwithmirrors]

Good afternoon,

I'm a new member with my first story just posted: http://www.literotica.com/s/fumble-or-fuck

Constructive feedback very much appreciated!

Many thanks,
Mirrors

 

[PennLady]

Just read this. Kind of cute -- fun at the end -- and pretty well-written. I did notice that you switched from past tense to present, and although it wasn't that big a deal, it caught my eye enough that I had to go back and check. Either is fine, just choose one and be consistent. Makes for a smoother reading experience. About the only technical problems I saw were when you should have hyphenated adjectives. For example, it should have been his "well-maintained manicure."

And... that's about it. I can answer any specific questions but those were my general impressions.

 

[sr71plt]

I read this because of Penn Lady's comment on the change of tenses from past to present, because stories don't really have to stay in one tense--if there's a good reason to change tense.

There wasn't a good reason to do it in this, however. So, it was just unnecessarily jarring. There was no reason not to stay in past tense. It suddenly became a new level of trite (it had already become trite when you gave physical descriptions before they served the story--and they never really served the story, because they were given no importance in the story).

And it wasn't really a story. It was a sex scene. I didn't find it erotic, either, because it was more of a technical follow-the-dots description pretty much using a formula that thousands have used before. To be erotic, I suggest there should be more emotion in it and more of a storyline in what brings them to having sex and why that means more than just two baboons answering the call of nature. This was sort of "I like your 40d knockers. Suck me. And then she does. Then she wants me to fuck her. So I do. Ooo, baby, ooo."

Sorry, from Penn Lady's comments, I thought it was going to be above run-of-the-mill trimmed down, peg B in slot A. And it wasn't. The good news was that it was more literate than most of this genre.

If this is to be just stud banging a willing slut story (which is popular here, so if that's what you're targeting, it's fine. But if so, it isn't really something to ask for feedback on), I'd expect to see hotter, fresher approach/position sex than this to stand above the ho hum pile. If it was to be an erotic story, I'd expect to see buildup, emotion, rationale for getting to the sex, some element in change in a character or the situation, and a storyline. I didn't see any of that.

That said, your writing and technicals are better than average. It's your storytelling that needs more imagination and more interesting delivery.

Perhaps I would have been less critical of it if I hadn't expected it to be more than I found.

 

[Guest]

deleted

 

[PennLady]

I read this because of Penn Lady's comment on the change of tenses from past to present, because stories don't really have to stay in one tense--if there's a good reason to change tense.

...

Sorry, from Penn Lady's comments, I thought it was going to be above run-of-the-mill trimmed down, peg B in slot A. And it wasn't. The good news was that it was more literate than most of this genre.

If this is to be just stud banging a willing slut story (which is popular here, so if that's what you're targeting, it's fine. But if so, it isn't really something to ask for feedback on), I'd expect to see hotter, fresher approach/position sex than this to stand above the ho hum pile. If it was to be an erotic story, I'd expect to see buildup, emotion, rationale for getting to the sex, some element in change in a character or the situation, and a storyline. I didn't see any of that.

That said, your writing and technicals are better than average. It's your storytelling that needs more imagination and more interesting delivery.

Perhaps I would have been less critical of it if I hadn't expected it to be more than I found.

Sorry to have misled you, SR. I didn't mean to imply it was anything more than okay. I was mostly basing that on the fact that, as you noted, the writer's technical skills were better than most.

I also agree that for what it was, it was okay, but nothing special. The physical descriptions did nothing for me, and I kind of read them, rolled my eyes, and dismissed them, especially the 40G breasts (really? G?). I feel like if I were to note that every time I found it, I should create a macro to write the criticism.

If I were asked for more, I'd echo much of what you said. The story wasn't erotic, although I found the twist at the end amusing, if not original. I wasn't vested in nor did I care about either character.

Maybe if the computers had become involved...

 

[theydoitwithmirrors]

Maybe if the computers had become involved...

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, everyone.

 

[roomfor1more]

Overall it was a good story and there are two points I would raise with you. As other people who have commented said change in tense is very obvious. Second issue is you write it in first person. When you write in first person it is retelling a story and when you write a story like it is a natural instinct to write it first person. However for the person reading it they can loose interest. Maybe next time try putting some insight in to the motivation for the behavior so that the reader can understand why the character is acting that way. The other option, I feel is probably the better option, is writing the story in third person so that you can draw the reader into the story and make the reader feel as though they are experiencing it.

 

[theydoitwithmirrors]

thanks room for 1 more - duly noted.