It seems that I give off mixed signals as I am in charge at work in a male dominated field. I excel in my field and am often in charge of several male dominated departments. I have been told that I am intimidating to men and can be blunt in my communication style. My husband (15 years) has no problem giving me that control at home too. I don't want it at home and never have.
We played with the "Taken in Hand" concept a few years ago, it was wonderful until it wasn't. According to him, I am the reason it failed. Probably, I am. I had this idea that I could talk to him about things as long as I did it in a respectful manner but I was spanked because I brought up his leaving cheese wrappers all over the kitchen after I had just cleaned, of all stupid things. He didn't feel that I should have a problem with that so he was going to punish me for it. I wasn't bitchy and did my best to keep it light and respectful but it didn't matter. That ended that for me. It seemed as if that were another way for him to not hear me.
If you've made it this far, thank you. Currently, we are trying power exchange again. I know I am the problem here too and need help figuring out how to make this work. Here is our text today, HELP!
He: Well, I feel bad that you think I was yelling at you. I will need to know sooner if you're having an issue because I was caught off guard. I want to do this right and want also to do preventative maintenance on you.
She: I feel like all the physical dominance in the world won't do a bit of good unless there is a mental aspect with it. If you feel that spanking me will help, I will submit to it.
He: Its not the spanking, it is the lack of control I have over you.
She: I am trying to give you the tools to have that in a way that will make me happy to submit to you. Mental and sexual will work I think. Spanking can be both but a couple of smacks with a stick will honestly just piss me off because to me it wouldn't be either mental of sexual. It would just seem poorly thought out without taking my mental state in mind.
He: That's OK. I would like to take a step back to Wednesday.
She: Whats OK?
He: I want to understand what happened so I don't keep doing it.
She: Mental. I was feeling all submissive and it felt like you pulled me out of it.
He: Thank you for sharing. So, I am not going to apologize so much. I want the spanking as the last resort. I feel like I can manage this a lot better with some boundaries.
She: By apologizing over and over. I was feeling like I was trying to do MY part but you wouldn't let me. Instead of letting me be responsible for my stuff, you took it.
He: You're right on. i took too much. So I am to understand that I was doing the same thing yesterday? Trying to do everything and not letting you?
She: The spanking doesn't have to be the last resort but the mental aspect has to be considered too. I feel like you don't KNOW me. It seems sometimes like you could plug a random person into my place here because I am not really known. I wish my reactions and feelings were minded instead of steam-rolled.
She: Yes. Yesterday, I felt as if I had to argue to do my stuff and it is frustrating.
He: Well help me understand. I want that for you. Your ideas are great and I have full confidence in you. I'll stop doing it all and let you do your stuff.
She: When am talking to you, I wish you would think that I am giving you information that can benefit us both instead of making me wrong for feeling like I do.
He: Wow. I don't want you to feel like that. Your right. I need to be more understanding when you're speaking instead of me doing. So to understand you, you feel like i am not considering your thoughts and feelings?
She: Last night you kept on like I shouldn't feel as I did because you were trying to help me. I wish you would have HEARD me because I was telling you I don't need or want you to do everything. In fact, as I've told you before, there are things that I think I SHOULD be doing.
He: I don't know. I am trying to do this.
She: I feel like I am giving you information but you don't think it is valid so instead of getting in my head, you discount it and make me wrong. So we both lose. I can't submit when I feel like you don't know me and can't lead me.
He: Lyndi, I don't feel like you say much til a problem comes along. Then, I'm not listening to you. I don't have a preventative maintenance plan in place.
She: You're right. I need to work on communication.
He: I really want this for us. I want to be better and different with you.
She: Me too. I am probably wrong here, just don't know how to make it work.
And so there it is. I can see that I am trying to "top from the bottom" yet feeling like I am not getting what I need (or think I need?) to let go. Am I crazy? He is killing himself to do stuff for me so I don't have to, like grocery shop, and it leaves me cold. That is MY job, damn it! I am good at it and am the coupon clipper/sale shopper and feed our family on a tight budget. I feel like he is taking part of my contribution away when he insists on doing it "for me" if that makes sense.
He feels he is taking care of me by doing it and probably any other woman in the world would be thrilled. I'd rather have him expect me to do it as part of my service. Sometimes it seems as if he serves me in ways that aren't helpful to me. Probably, him serving me at all in this manner isn't helpful as far as me feeling submissive to him right now.
How can I communicate clearer that I need him to be more about the mental aspect of dominating me before the physical? I am not sure he even understands what I mean when I tell him that I need more mental domination. I have tried to find information on the mental aspects of this and seem to find things like hypnosis and mind fuck so I'm coming up short on resources.
I know I asked for it, but be gentle please? It's my first time...
We played with the "Taken in Hand" concept a few years ago, it was wonderful until it wasn't. According to him, I am the reason it failed. Probably, I am. I had this idea that I could talk to him about things as long as I did it in a respectful manner but I was spanked because I brought up his leaving cheese wrappers all over the kitchen after I had just cleaned, of all stupid things. He didn't feel that I should have a problem with that so he was going to punish me for it. I wasn't bitchy and did my best to keep it light and respectful but it didn't matter. That ended that for me. It seemed as if that were another way for him to not hear me.
If you've made it this far, thank you. Currently, we are trying power exchange again. I know I am the problem here too and need help figuring out how to make this work. Here is our text today, HELP!
He: Well, I feel bad that you think I was yelling at you. I will need to know sooner if you're having an issue because I was caught off guard. I want to do this right and want also to do preventative maintenance on you.
She: I feel like all the physical dominance in the world won't do a bit of good unless there is a mental aspect with it. If you feel that spanking me will help, I will submit to it.
He: Its not the spanking, it is the lack of control I have over you.
She: I am trying to give you the tools to have that in a way that will make me happy to submit to you. Mental and sexual will work I think. Spanking can be both but a couple of smacks with a stick will honestly just piss me off because to me it wouldn't be either mental of sexual. It would just seem poorly thought out without taking my mental state in mind.
He: That's OK. I would like to take a step back to Wednesday.
She: Whats OK?
He: I want to understand what happened so I don't keep doing it.
She: Mental. I was feeling all submissive and it felt like you pulled me out of it.
He: Thank you for sharing. So, I am not going to apologize so much. I want the spanking as the last resort. I feel like I can manage this a lot better with some boundaries.
She: By apologizing over and over. I was feeling like I was trying to do MY part but you wouldn't let me. Instead of letting me be responsible for my stuff, you took it.
He: You're right on. i took too much. So I am to understand that I was doing the same thing yesterday? Trying to do everything and not letting you?
She: The spanking doesn't have to be the last resort but the mental aspect has to be considered too. I feel like you don't KNOW me. It seems sometimes like you could plug a random person into my place here because I am not really known. I wish my reactions and feelings were minded instead of steam-rolled.
She: Yes. Yesterday, I felt as if I had to argue to do my stuff and it is frustrating.
He: Well help me understand. I want that for you. Your ideas are great and I have full confidence in you. I'll stop doing it all and let you do your stuff.
She: When am talking to you, I wish you would think that I am giving you information that can benefit us both instead of making me wrong for feeling like I do.
He: Wow. I don't want you to feel like that. Your right. I need to be more understanding when you're speaking instead of me doing. So to understand you, you feel like i am not considering your thoughts and feelings?
She: Last night you kept on like I shouldn't feel as I did because you were trying to help me. I wish you would have HEARD me because I was telling you I don't need or want you to do everything. In fact, as I've told you before, there are things that I think I SHOULD be doing.
He: I don't know. I am trying to do this.
She: I feel like I am giving you information but you don't think it is valid so instead of getting in my head, you discount it and make me wrong. So we both lose. I can't submit when I feel like you don't know me and can't lead me.
He: Lyndi, I don't feel like you say much til a problem comes along. Then, I'm not listening to you. I don't have a preventative maintenance plan in place.
She: You're right. I need to work on communication.
He: I really want this for us. I want to be better and different with you.
She: Me too. I am probably wrong here, just don't know how to make it work.
And so there it is. I can see that I am trying to "top from the bottom" yet feeling like I am not getting what I need (or think I need?) to let go. Am I crazy? He is killing himself to do stuff for me so I don't have to, like grocery shop, and it leaves me cold. That is MY job, damn it! I am good at it and am the coupon clipper/sale shopper and feed our family on a tight budget. I feel like he is taking part of my contribution away when he insists on doing it "for me" if that makes sense.
He feels he is taking care of me by doing it and probably any other woman in the world would be thrilled. I'd rather have him expect me to do it as part of my service. Sometimes it seems as if he serves me in ways that aren't helpful to me. Probably, him serving me at all in this manner isn't helpful as far as me feeling submissive to him right now.
How can I communicate clearer that I need him to be more about the mental aspect of dominating me before the physical? I am not sure he even understands what I mean when I tell him that I need more mental domination. I have tried to find information on the mental aspects of this and seem to find things like hypnosis and mind fuck so I'm coming up short on resources.
I know I asked for it, but be gentle please? It's my first time...
