How unusual are we?

[culloden]

I read Annie's Mailbox this morning (the successor to Ann Landers' column). In it, a devastated woman had written in that she'd found porn - porn I tell you - on her husband's smart phone. Now, my wife would just be upset I hadn't shared it with her. This poor girl, however, seemed to think it was the end of her world and her husband was some sort of freak.

That got me wondering, whose perspective is skewed? Most of my friends would think little of porn or at least light kink. Some would enjoy Lit. A few are bothered it, but it's probably 3 to 1 in favor of porn/light kink. But I also live in the liberal northeast. It's probably different in flyover country.

What do you think the more common view is? Is geography a factor?

 

[RandallKinds]

I read Annie's Mailbox this morning (the successor to Ann Landers' column). In it, a devastated woman had written in that she'd found porn - porn I tell you - on her husband's smart phone. Now, my wife would just be upset I hadn't shared it with her. This poor girl, however, seemed to think it was the end of her world and her husband was some sort of freak.

That got me wondering, whose perspective is skewed? Most of my friends would think little of porn or at least light kink. Some would enjoy Lit. A few are bothered it, but it's probably 3 to 1 in favor of porn/light kink. But I also live in the liberal northeast. It's probably different in flyover country.

What do you think the more common view is? Is geography a factor?

I think age or experience might have a lot to do with it. I remember as a young man being so careful not to SCREW THINGS UP. A lot of that kind of stuff was brought up tentatively - if at all. So, imagine you're this woman's husband. How open is she going to be to the idea of 'movie night' being porn at home? You'd be scared to even bring it up.

So, down the road, you find yourself married to someone with walls built around certain subjects. Crazy stuff. So many relationships fail due to communication and this is an example of that. Shame he couldn't have shared his 'passion' with her earlier but, frankly, she likely wouldn't have handled it well.

 

[qrayze]

I remember when I was a fundamentalist that if a woman found her husband's porn, their marriage was as good as over. He was a "mental cheater".

After my divorce, I realized I no longer "fit in" with the views of my religion in general. I found my own comfortable level of living and stopped worrying about "all the rest".

So anyways, I was talking to a couple of women and they were discusing this one man who ended up being a pedophile in a church somewhere (not the pastor), and they said he had porn on his computer and made a really big deal about it. I had actually forgotten that this was big deal in religion.

My own personal views on porn is that it can cause insecurity in the non-porn watching spouse. Porn is something that needs to be brought up during dating because apparently it can be a deal-breaker.

Also, anyone who hides porn use from a spouse has bigger issues than just the porn, and the spouse needs to realize that. Biggest one being, why does the "offending" spouse feel the need to hide something like this?

 

[_Virginia_]

and my first thought was, why was she going through his phone?

I am also in New England - most of my (female) friends tolerate their husbands' porn but want no part in sharing it with them - except for ONE friend of mine - and I shared Lit with her. I'm not in a relationship now but in the past, have very much enjoyed sharing porn with boyfriends.

I definitely feel like I'm in a minority of women who enjoy erotica and porn - but even if other women enjoy it, I think they're less likely to talk about it.

I find it shocking that a woman would be devastated to learn that her husband liked porn - unless his preferences were particularly hardcore or illegal stuff.

 

[ecclectic]

The only thing that makes us unique is that we hide less.

Mind you I browse these forums in private mode, but that's because we have parents and in-laws through the house looking after the kids and occasionally using the computer.

My wife knows where my porn is, and I know she's looked through at least some of it, because she's not very good at hiding her tracks.
My dad had a porn stash, my mom would have been furious about it, but that's a difference of a generation. My foreman at work doesn't really understand porn at all, or so he claims, but he's over 65 so it was all pin-up girls and bikini shorts for him growing up.

I don't think what we're interested in makes us unique, it's that we are more honest than others about it.

 

[dohbuoy]

Being in here in this venue we can have as much, or as little of a veneer of privacy as we want. That counts for something.

There is the natural reaction to the concept of porn that it somehow makes the other person feel less loved, wanted, desired. Mix that with the puritanical roots we still have here in the US, and you have the porn viewers feeling the need to keep it a secret so as not to appear perverted, weird, or unfaithful. I wonder how much of this is specific to geography, culture or nationality? Or even age? Every time I speak with my European friends, the subject always seems to stray toward sex, and I have overheard younger female co workers chatting openly about finding their boyfriends' porn collections, and laughing about the reaction to their being caught.

My father had a stash of penthouses that he used to keep in the garage. Then at some point, it moved into my parents bedroom. Being a snoopy kid, I also found my Mom's much smaller collection of Playgirl mags in her nightstand . This was in the 70's. My parents ended up divorcing, and my father married a religious woman, not a fundamentalist, but quite a devout Lutheran who I found out years later happened to be a nudist. She also was OK with his porn stash. So I think the shock and aversion is more of a public veneer, much minimized since the advent of the internet.

 

[culloden]

The whole thing interests me very much. I've been viewing porn in various forms for something like 40 years now. It's not an everyday thing, but often enough. And yet I've been faithful to the same woman for 25 years, and have a good name in my community. Point is, I think my view and my lifestyle are perfectly reasonable, and in fact, I'd probably get along just fine with the woman who wrote to Annie. Until, apparently, she found out that I like looking at pictures of naked people.

It's fascinating that one small aspect of a person's life could override all the rest.

 

[HubbyLikesIt]

I wonder what kind of porn it was? A simple nude photo? Some of my work friends forward crazy shit to each other, I keep out of that loop, not because I'm a prude, but who wants their wife to find pics of a girl putting a Nerf football in her ass? Not me thanks!

 

[TheB]

Any S/o that hasn't found their partners stash and believes it doesn't exist hasn't looked hard enough!

 

[infinity706]

Most women I know have more porn than me and I live in the bible belt.

 

[culloden]

I wonder what kind of porn it was? A simple nude photo? Some of my work friends forward crazy shit to each other, I keep out of that loop, not because I'm a prude, but who wants their wife to find pics of a girl putting a Nerf football in her ass? Not me thanks!

You know, that's a perspective not to be found in Annie's Mailbox.

 

[bailadora]

Within the context of a healthy relationship where both partners are fairly confident of their SO's love and affection, I really don't understand the objection. Just because we enjoy visual variety doesn't mean we want to make it part of our lasting relationships.

OTOH - if one partner has self confidence issues, or one partner is neglecting the other in favor of porn, then I can see why there'd be issues. Or if the porn discovered is of the spicer variety - there might be fears that the viewing partner is unhappy with the relationship and wants something the first either can't or is unwilling to supply.

 

[culloden]

Within the context of a healthy relationship where both partners are fairly confident of their SO's love and affection, I really don't understand the objection. Just because we enjoy visual variety doesn't mean we want to make it part of our lasting relationships.

OTOH - if one partner has self confidence issues, or one partner is neglecting the other in favor of porn, then I can see why there'd be issues. Or if the porn discovered is of the spicer variety - there might be fears that the viewing partner is unhappy with the relationship and wants something the first either can't or is unwilling to supply.

I absolutely understand how porn can leave some people uncomfortable, and I respect that. What I found interesting was that this was such a main-stream venue. All of a sudden, I felt like a statistical outlier.

 

[NippleMuncher]

I absolutely understand how porn can leave some people uncomfortable, and I respect that. What I found interesting was that this was such a main-stream venue. All of a sudden, I felt like a statistical outlier.

You can be such a bastid sometimes ...

 

[SweetErika]

Within the context of a healthy relationship where both partners are fairly confident of their SO's love and affection, I really don't understand the objection. Just because we enjoy visual variety doesn't mean we want to make it part of our lasting relationships.

OTOH - if one partner has self confidence issues, or one partner is neglecting the other in favor of porn, then I can see why there'd be issues. Or if the porn discovered is of the spicer variety - there might be fears that the viewing partner is unhappy with the relationship and wants something the first either can't or is unwilling to supply.

Agreed.

I don't mind my husband looking at porn, though I do object to some of the images he comes across (e.g. Asian or Eastern European women who appear underage, or one time he showed me a clip of a young Asian woman who seemed to be coerced into masturbating for the camera - seemingly too young and/or coerced [even by financial circumstances] really squick me). So, the subject matter matters a lot to me, as does the way he goes about looking at it (sneaking around or not offering to include me when he's home aren't acceptable). I prefer to look for stuff we can enjoy together, even though I'm exceedingly picky about my porn.

I have a friend who's married to a guy who has a thing for old, super-obese women. She happened across his collection and was shocked, especially since she's 40 and quite curvy herself. I think she would have been alright with his preference, BUT he went to great lengths to hide it and was also chatting to the supersized, 50+-somethings he'd met online!

 

[jenni7]

I dont think were unusual in that we like porn or porn(ish) forums, however I do think we are unusual in that we are more open about it than most, and can admit it (at least on here)

Most woman I know, and this used to be true for myself as well, are put off by porn. They dont like their men looking at perfection because they dont see how they can be turned on by the porn star qualities then sleep with them and not compare. Perhaps its low self esteem, lack of understanding who knows, but that seems to be what most of the women i've talked to about it, who are not happy with their hubby's looking at porn have seemed to relate.

 

[culloden]

I dont think were unusual in that we like porn or porn(ish) forums, however I do think we are unusual in that we are more open about it than most, and can admit it (at least on here)

Most woman I know, and this used to be true for myself as well, are put off by porn. They dont like their men looking at perfection because they dont see how they can be turned on by the porn star qualities then sleep with them and not compare. Perhaps its low self esteem, lack of understanding who knows, but that seems to be what most of the women i've talked to about it, who are not happy with their hubby's looking at porn have seemed to relate.

I think you're exactly right on both counts. We are far more open about sex than are most people, and indeed, at least as far as I'm concerned, far more open here than IRL.

Your point about women's self esteem is also taken, and that's something I experienced past girlfriends. Happily, my wife is very secure. But here's a follow up question. It seems that a lot of women admire, say, how Jennifer Aniston looks at the Oscars. How many of these same women would be put off by her nude photos in GQ? If that's so, why?

 

[subwannabe]

The woman who was so upset about finding porn on her husband's smart phone is right. Her world is over. Apparently there are more problems with her perfect goody two shoes marriage than she thought if her husband has to sneak behind her back looking at porn. I see two main possibilities:

1. He is not happy with his sex life and needs to find an additional outlet for it. I truly believe in most cases if a wife fucked her husband's brains out 24/7, he wouldn't have much need for porn.

2. He is some kind of pervert that is looking at truly perverted stuff that is off limits for the average person

I'm voting for #1. She can either fuck the hell out of him or be devestated. Not really sure which one she would pick.

 

[bailadora]

But here's a follow up question. It seems that a lot of women admire, say, how Jennifer Aniston looks at the Oscars. How many of these same women would be put off by her nude photos in GQ? If that's so, why?

I wasn't aware that she'd done any nudes, but I went looking for them since you mentioned it. IMO, the pics were tastefully done and I don't think there's anything offensive about them at all. She looks like she's having fun and I say more power to her.

The woman who was so upset about finding porn on her husband's smart phone is right. Her world is over. Apparently there are more problems with her perfect goody two shoes marriage than she thought if her husband has to sneak behind her back looking at porn. I see two main possibilities:

1. He is not happy with his sex life and needs to find an additional outlet for it. I truly believe in most cases if a wife fucked her husband's brains out 24/7, he wouldn't have much need for porn.

2. He is some kind of pervert that is looking at truly perverted stuff that is off limits for the average person

I'm voting for #1. She can either fuck the hell out of him or be devestated. Not really sure which one she would pick.

I don't *think* this is your intention, but I will say I find the way you phrased that to be boarder line offensive, Sub. One might get the impression you think a wife's sole purpose is to be some sort of fuck toy/doll for her spouse. The wife has a third alternative to the two you mention: get the real scoop through open and honest communication with her husband, instead of making herself sick with worry over supposition.

 

[NippleMuncher]

The wife has a third alternative to the two you mention: get the real scoop through open and honest communication with her husband, instead of making herself sick with worry over supposition.

And THEN can she fuck his brains out?

I'm kidding, of course, but Sub has a point. I can honestly say that the more attention I'm getting in the bedroom, the less I need to fulfill fantasies and urges online. That is not saying anything derogatory about my partner, just that when needs are not being met in one place, they are supplemented from another.

 

[SweetErika]

And THEN can she fuck his brains out?

I'm kidding, of course, but Sub has a point. I can honestly say that the more attention I'm getting in the bedroom, the less I need to fulfill fantasies and urges online. That is not saying anything derogatory about my partner, just that when needs are not being met in one place, they are supplemented from another.

I think there's a certain amount of truth to 'more sex=less masturbation.' However, I can think of several reasons for why people look at porn (erotica included) and/or masturbate even when they're happy with their sex lives, including:
- Porn is variety, and variety is fun. My husband's been with a curvy blonde chick for 12+ years, so he enjoys seeing and fantasizing about different types. Similarly, I enjoy looking at certain types of women and reading stories that fuel my fantasies.

- Masturbation is an enjoyable act on its own for many. I like sex with other people, but I also enjoy sex with myself for a variety of reasons. The same is true for my husband.

- Sometimes there are just too many constraints for sex. Masturbation is usually a fairly quick and easy way to get that release. I even use it for pain relief sometimes.

 

[NippleMuncher]

I think there's a certain amount of truth to 'more sex=less masturbation.' However, I can think of several reasons for why people look at porn (erotica included) and/or masturbate even when they're happy with their sex lives,

I think it's safe to assume that porn has it's place, whether that's in a sex healthy or sex starved environment. It is up to the individuals involved to determine for themselves if it's a good or bad thing, the reasons behind it, and where to go from there.

Out of common courtesy I don't share my porn with my partner. She's expressed no interest in it. If she were to find my "stash", I don't think she'd be too upset about it, she certainly wouldn't have the reaction of which started this topic of conversation.

 

[culloden]

I wasn't aware that she'd done any nudes, but I went looking for them since you mentioned it. IMO, the pics were tastefully done and I don't think there's anything offensive about them at all. She looks like she's having fun and I say more power to her.



I don't *think* this is your intention, but I will say I find the way you phrased that to be boarder line offensive, Sub. One might get the impression you think a wife's sole purpose is to be some sort of fuck toy/doll for her spouse. The wife has a third alternative to the two you mention: get the real scoop through open and honest communication with her husband, instead of making herself sick with worry over supposition.

Oh, yeah, Aniston's nudes were beautifully done, far more artful than pornographic. For someone as popular as she is, she's conducted herself with grace. Kate Winslet is similar. Kate's spread in Vanity Fair reminded me of Jen's.

But I digress. Anitson's different shoots might not have been the best example for my question, but they were the best I could come up with.

 

[culloden]

As to why people look at porn other than for masturbatory reasons, I think for some of us it's actually been instructional. For example, if I hadn't found my father's stash of Penthouse when I was a young teen, sex would have been utterly mysterious. Without porn, my sex education would have been entirely trial and error. And who hasn't found Lit to be at least as educational as it is titillating?

Back to my original question. My own answer is that I think we are unusual in our openness about sex. I think that openness a good thing. And yet, in my community, I'm not at all open about the topic. I wouldn't want it known that I come here. And I bet I'm not alone in that.

 

[subwannabe]

I read a letter and response from Dear Abby years and years ago that I will always remember. It was from a woman who wrote in complaining about how some other women would write in complaining that their husbands were found to be cheating on them and she basically called them crybabies and that if they had been taking care of their man then their men wouldn't be cheating on them. Of course that's not always true but I believe it to be true a majority of the time. What I remember most about this lady that wrote in is that she basically told Dear Abby (not in these exact words) that she fucked her husbands brains out 24/7 and that if her husband wanted to cheat on her then he could go ahead and do it and let his partner find out that he had an empty gas tank (her exact words).