Dom V Sub and their roles

[unsureofherself]

A few things going around my head recently from a discussion I have had and thought I would post some of the thoughts here to open it up and see what others felt?

In a discussion about developing newly found feelings within BDSM, one comment made to me was that it is easier to 'learn to be a sub as this is a passive role and inactive' than learning to be a dom. For some reason this doesn't sit right with me and I can't put my finger on why.



Secondly, how does a sub who struggles to explain herself instigate sex without telling the Dom she wants it? Surely this would be a form of topping from the bottom? Or am I completely wrong here?

Thanks for all your help and input

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Can't help you too much with the first thing.

As far as the second thing, I think that it would depend on the Dom on whether instigating sex as viewed as a "bad sub" thing. However, I don't think I've seen many people say subs out right are not allowed to ask. Just need to realize that if the answer is no the answer is no

 

[ImOnIt]

In a discussion about developing newly found feelings within BDSM, one comment made to me was that it is easier to 'learn to be a sub as this is a passive role and inactive' than learning to be a dom.

For some reason this doesn't sit right with me and I can't put my finger on why.

Because it's totally god damn fuckin wrong, is why. You just learned that people spout utter shit! Three cheers for your instinct! (i mean that)

Secondly, how does a sub who struggles to explain herself instigate sex without telling the Dom she wants it?

Kissing is a good start. Also, secret handshakes and a complicated series of clicks and whistles.

Surely this would be a form of topping from the bottom?

Topping from the bottom isn't a perjorative. It's perfectly fine, but what you described isn't it.

Some relationships are based on power exchange/control whereby someone submits to ritual discipline from an authoritative, 'superior' partner. HE, say, might (by his own choice) be displeased by whatever the fuck it is that irks him. This is negotiated within a relationship. There is no gold standard. Life is what you make it.

Discussing things is a good start.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You might be trying to fit into the wrong role. An awful lot of hetero couples make this mistake-- they hear "dom" and "sub" and they think that's the only way there is to play.

You might not be "submissive." You might be a bottom-- or even, what I like to tease my GF as being, a pillow queen-- you might be, in fact, dominant but want to be serviced-- looks like passivity but really it's a big appetite.

 

[J D Danger]

Can't help you too much with the first thing.

As far as the second thing, I think that it would depend on the Dom on whether instigating sex as viewed as a "bad sub" thing. However, I don't think I've seen many people say subs out right are not allowed to ask. Just need to realize that if the answer is no the answer is no

exactly...we all have wants and needs and if you want to get anything out of the relationship you need to tell the Dom what those are..we are Doms..we are not mind readers..it is very important to learn the needs and wants of the submissive and I have always found the best way to do this is open talk on both sides

just beacuse you have a want...it does not have to be demanded in a way that would seem like or be topping from the buttom...once a Dom..knows what you the sub want and or need..they can decide if and how you get that

when I first entered BDSM...I switched a little..because I want learn as much as I could about both side of the lifestyle...I quickly found out that I was not really subbmissive even if back then I did not see myself as what I thought Dom had to be...I found out that all had to be was myself and do not worry about the labbels if you will

neither role is easy to learn and the learning never really stops..yin both parts you have to earn yourself and your partner or partners...if you stay true to yourself..you can not go wrong

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Ohhh, I'm gonna add 'submissive is the passive role' to the list of internety cliches that I loathe.

Being someone's submissive is *work* just like being someone's dom is. Just like being someone's boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband.

 

[satindesire]

Ask does not equal demand.

Once you figure out how to phrase the exact same question in different tones, you'll understand how you can ask for sex without feeling like you're demanding.

 

[alyssawesome29]

In terms of it being "easier to 'learn to be a sub as this is a passive role and inactive'", I think that's a load of baloney. Subs are on the receiving end of a lot of pain and are made subject to receive whatever play/punishment their Master/Dom sees fit for them to receive. Many may view subs as somewhat complacent for their seemingly passive role in the bedroom (because they are not actively reciprocating in inflicting pain unto their partner, but it takes a lot to be on the receiving end in a Dom/Sub relationship.

Just my two cents.

 

[minx1]

Ohhh, I'm gonna add 'submissive is the passive role' to the list of internety cliches that I loathe.

Being someone's submissive is *work* just like being someone's dom is. Just like being someone's boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband.

Yup and I may add, friggin hard work sometimes and by no means an easy role....well for me anyway

 

[DepravedMama]

You might not be "submissive." You might be a bottom-- or even, what I like to tease my GF as being, a pillow queen-- you might be, in fact, dominant but want to be serviced-- looks like passivity but really it's a big appetite.

Oh, oh , oh - that's me! Even when I'm being 'spanked' , I'm winding him up at the same time. I do tend to still feel like I'm the one with the power. What you said (quoted) was like a little light-bulb going on in my head!

DMama

 

[unsureofherself]

Thanks all!

Good to know I'm not alone.

Damn those internet cliches!

As for being a pillow queen,(not heard that one before!) bottom or sub... that'd probably be a thread all on its own, all I know for now is when told to do something I feel a great relief at not having to think for myself and I can begin to let go. It's very freeing... and a great turn on!

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Yup and I may add, friggin hard work sometimes and by no means an easy role....well for me anyway

Definitely noy easy, and I think the hardest work I do is on myself.