Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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- Oct 18, 2009
- Posts
- 24,514
Laughter is Contagious
- Thread starter techsan
- Start date
- Status
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
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Politically Correct descriptions
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - he has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST - he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - he is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.
6. He is not FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - he became ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - he develops RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - he has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He does not CHEAT ON HIS WIFE - he has MATRIMONIAL ALZHEIMERS.
10. He is not a WANKER - He is an OWNER-OPERATOR.
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - he has developed a LIQUID STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST - he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - he is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.
6. He is not FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - he became ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - he develops RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - he has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He does not CHEAT ON HIS WIFE - he has MATRIMONIAL ALZHEIMERS.
10. He is not a WANKER - He is an OWNER-OPERATOR.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Why the US is in trouble ~ Maybe
A ticket agent at Dulles International Airport (it's just outside Washington, D.C.) offered some examples of why the U.S. may be in trouble. Of course, you'll have to decide that for yourselves, once you've read the following. I should mention that these are a couple of years old.
1. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response: click.
2. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
3. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
4. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply: "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal".
A ticket agent at Dulles International Airport (it's just outside Washington, D.C.) offered some examples of why the U.S. may be in trouble. Of course, you'll have to decide that for yourselves, once you've read the following. I should mention that these are a couple of years old.
1. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response: click.
2. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"
3. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"
4. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply: "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal".
Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
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kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
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The Catalogue
Two Irish men were looking at a mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
Paddy says to Mick, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?"
"Yes," Mick replies, "they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Paddy says with wide eyes, "Wow! They aren't very expensive! At this price, I'm buying one."
Mike smiles and pats him on the back.
"Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I'll get one, too."
Three weeks later, Mick asks Paddy, " Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue?"
"Not yet," says Paddy, "but it shouldn't be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday."
Waiting
"What? You say you love her, and yet, when you saw her with another man, you did nothing?"
"I'm waiting," said Paddy.
"Waiting for what, Paddy?"
"Waiting to catch her with a smaller guy!"
Singing In The Shower
A sex therapist was having lunch with Mick.
"I just read a survey that said 90% of adults masturbate in the shower; the other 10% sing," said the therapist.
"Really?" asked Mick.
The therapist nodded and asked, "Do you know what song they sing?"
Mick shook his head, "No."
"I thought you wouldn't!" said the therapist.
Two Irish men were looking at a mail order catalogue and admiring the models.
Paddy says to Mick, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?"
"Yes," Mick replies, "they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Paddy says with wide eyes, "Wow! They aren't very expensive! At this price, I'm buying one."
Mike smiles and pats him on the back.
"Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I'll get one, too."
Three weeks later, Mick asks Paddy, " Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue?"
"Not yet," says Paddy, "but it shouldn't be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday."
Waiting
"What? You say you love her, and yet, when you saw her with another man, you did nothing?"
"I'm waiting," said Paddy.
"Waiting for what, Paddy?"
"Waiting to catch her with a smaller guy!"
Singing In The Shower
A sex therapist was having lunch with Mick.
"I just read a survey that said 90% of adults masturbate in the shower; the other 10% sing," said the therapist.
"Really?" asked Mick.
The therapist nodded and asked, "Do you know what song they sing?"
Mick shook his head, "No."
"I thought you wouldn't!" said the therapist.
settledseas
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2008
- Posts
- 58,931
SEX STARVED
>>
>> A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
>> Afghan Desert .
>>
>> During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up
>> behind the mess tent.
>>
>> He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
>>
>> The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here
>> on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's
>> why we have Molly The Camel.'
>>
>> The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand
>> about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
>>
>> About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
>>
>> Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
>>
>> Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
>> his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.
>>
>> When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
>>
>> 'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town.
>> That's where the girls are."
>>
>> A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
>> Afghan Desert .
>>
>> During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up
>> behind the mess tent.
>>
>> He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
>>
>> The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here
>> on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's
>> why we have Molly The Camel.'
>>
>> The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand
>> about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
>>
>> About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.
>>
>> Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
>>
>> Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
>> his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.
>>
>> When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
>>
>> 'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town.
>> That's where the girls are."
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
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- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
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- Posts
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Drunk Again
A wife, in bed with her lover, heard her husband's key in the lock.
"Just stay where you are," she instructed, "he's always so drunk he won't even notice you."
Sure enough, the husband fell into bed none the wiser, but when he looked down and through his drunken haze saw six feet at the other end, he said, "What's going on here? There are six feet in this bed!"
"Nonsense," said the wife, calmly. "You're so drunk you can't count. Get out of bed and try again from over there."
So her husband staggered from the bed, walked to the foot of it and counted out loud, "One, two, three, four… damn it. You're right!"
Real Men Eat Quickies
A man is seated in a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt, and with legs that won't quit, comes to his table.
"What would you like, sir?" she asks.
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame, top to bottom, and says, "A quickie."
She walks away in disgust.
After regaining her composure, she returns. "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out. "A quickie, please."
Her anger takes over. She slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK" and storms away.
At that moment, a man sitting at the next table leans over and says, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
A wife, in bed with her lover, heard her husband's key in the lock.
"Just stay where you are," she instructed, "he's always so drunk he won't even notice you."
Sure enough, the husband fell into bed none the wiser, but when he looked down and through his drunken haze saw six feet at the other end, he said, "What's going on here? There are six feet in this bed!"
"Nonsense," said the wife, calmly. "You're so drunk you can't count. Get out of bed and try again from over there."
So her husband staggered from the bed, walked to the foot of it and counted out loud, "One, two, three, four… damn it. You're right!"
Real Men Eat Quickies
A man is seated in a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt, and with legs that won't quit, comes to his table.
"What would you like, sir?" she asks.
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame, top to bottom, and says, "A quickie."
She walks away in disgust.
After regaining her composure, she returns. "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out. "A quickie, please."
Her anger takes over. She slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK" and storms away.
At that moment, a man sitting at the next table leans over and says, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
impotence = nature's way of saying "no hard feelings"
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
impotence = nature's way of saying "no hard feelings"
{{{{{smooth}}}}}
What a groaner!
TGIF ~ Have a great one.
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Decoding women's personal ads
40-ish................................49.
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure..............On medication.
Feminist..............................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing..............................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional.........................Bitch.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate.................Stalker.
40-ish................................49.
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure..............On medication.
Feminist..............................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing..............................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional.........................Bitch.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate.................Stalker.
AbsintheFather
Passing some time
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- Dec 10, 2009
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- 42,571
PenIsMightier1
Dripping with Sin
- Joined
- Oct 26, 2010
- Posts
- 8,248
Dear Inventions of the World,
Fail!
Sincerely, Slice Bread
Fail!
Sincerely, Slice Bread
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Those are great {{{{Abs}}}}
Thank you. Hope you are having a fabulous day. TGIF!
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
Mrtenant
Lord of Chaos
- Joined
- Sep 4, 2009
- Posts
- 29,517
Oh yea....you want me now, I just posted the sexy guy, ...c'mon over oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
http://www.profilesupport.net/myspace-comments/sexy/images/sexy-men.gif
http://www.profilesupport.net/myspace-comments/sexy/images/sexy-men.gif
Mrtenant
Lord of Chaos
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- Sep 4, 2009
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- 29,517
Kitkat103
Waiting for Daylight
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2009
- Posts
- 24,514
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Proof That The World Is Nuts
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia
is decapitation.
(What do they do to a rapist?!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally
allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but
may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand,
may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool ,
England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man
to have sex with a woman and her daughter
at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that
they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms
from vending machines with one exception:
Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
machine only in places where alcoholic beverages
are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia
is decapitation.
(What do they do to a rapist?!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally
allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but
may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand,
may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool ,
England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man
to have sex with a woman and her daughter
at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that
they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms
from vending machines with one exception:
Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
machine only in places where alcoholic beverages
are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
kayte
This Was My Favorite Toy
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2002
- Posts
- 135,693
High Tech Humor
Scott was struggling through the airport terminal with his obviously heavy suitcase when Bill Gates asked him the time.
Scott didn't recognize him, but pushed a button on his watch. The watch said out loud, "It's five fifty."
"Hey, cool watch!" said Bill.
Scott replied, "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this..." He displayed every time zone in the world, pressed a button and the watch announced, "The time is four fifty-one" in a Texas drawl. Another few pushes and the watch gave the time in Japan -- in Japanese!
Scott explained, "It includes a region-appropriate accent for each time zone."
Gates is impressed.
"That's not all," said Scott as he pushed a few more buttons and a tiny hi-res map of New York City appeared on its display. "The flashing dot shows our location via GPS," he explained. "View: recede ten," Scott ordered and the display changed to show eastern New York state.
"I need this watch!" said Gates.
"Oh, it's not yet ready for sale; I'm still working out some bugs," said its inventor. "Besides, I haven't shown you the FM radio receiver with digital tuner, the sonar device that measures distances underwater, the pager, the fax machine, the digital camera, the MP3 player with 300GB drive, video playback, Bluetooth, WiFi and WiMax..."
"How about $10,000?" said Gates.
"Oh, no. I've already spent more than on..."
"$20,000?"
"But it's not..."
"$50,000 -- in cash!" Bill opened his briefcase, which was filled with hundred dollar bills.
Scott thought, "I've only got about $5,000 into this and with 50K I can make another one that's better. I can be ready for merchandising in a year..."
Scott made his decision, "Okay, it's yours!"
He removed the watch and handed it to Gates, who happily walked away.
"Hey, wait up!" Scott called.
Gates turned around and said, "What?"
Scott pointed to the heavy suitcase he had been wrestling through the terminal. "Don't forget your battery!"
Scott was struggling through the airport terminal with his obviously heavy suitcase when Bill Gates asked him the time.
Scott didn't recognize him, but pushed a button on his watch. The watch said out loud, "It's five fifty."
"Hey, cool watch!" said Bill.
Scott replied, "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this..." He displayed every time zone in the world, pressed a button and the watch announced, "The time is four fifty-one" in a Texas drawl. Another few pushes and the watch gave the time in Japan -- in Japanese!
Scott explained, "It includes a region-appropriate accent for each time zone."
Gates is impressed.
"That's not all," said Scott as he pushed a few more buttons and a tiny hi-res map of New York City appeared on its display. "The flashing dot shows our location via GPS," he explained. "View: recede ten," Scott ordered and the display changed to show eastern New York state.
"I need this watch!" said Gates.
"Oh, it's not yet ready for sale; I'm still working out some bugs," said its inventor. "Besides, I haven't shown you the FM radio receiver with digital tuner, the sonar device that measures distances underwater, the pager, the fax machine, the digital camera, the MP3 player with 300GB drive, video playback, Bluetooth, WiFi and WiMax..."
"How about $10,000?" said Gates.
"Oh, no. I've already spent more than on..."
"$20,000?"
"But it's not..."
"$50,000 -- in cash!" Bill opened his briefcase, which was filled with hundred dollar bills.
Scott thought, "I've only got about $5,000 into this and with 50K I can make another one that's better. I can be ready for merchandising in a year..."
Scott made his decision, "Okay, it's yours!"
He removed the watch and handed it to Gates, who happily walked away.
"Hey, wait up!" Scott called.
Gates turned around and said, "What?"
Scott pointed to the heavy suitcase he had been wrestling through the terminal. "Don't forget your battery!"
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
So true, so true! Thanks!
ga400us
Póg mo thóin
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2004
- Posts
- 4,034
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Think about this...
I exercise regularly.
I eat moderate amounts of healthy food.
I get plenty of rest.
I see my doctor yearly and my dentist twice a year.
I floss daily.
I've had chest x-rays, cardio stress tests, EKG's
and colonoscopies.
I've even see a psychologist who told me I'm A-OK.
I have a dog and some hobbies to reduce stress.
I don't drink and drive.
I quit smoking and don't do drugs.
I treat everyone with respect and disparage no one.
I don't have crazy reckless sex with strangers.
If Charlie Sheen outlives me, boy will I be pissed!
I exercise regularly.
I eat moderate amounts of healthy food.
I get plenty of rest.
I see my doctor yearly and my dentist twice a year.
I floss daily.
I've had chest x-rays, cardio stress tests, EKG's
and colonoscopies.
I've even see a psychologist who told me I'm A-OK.
I have a dog and some hobbies to reduce stress.
I don't drink and drive.
I quit smoking and don't do drugs.
I treat everyone with respect and disparage no one.
I don't have crazy reckless sex with strangers.
If Charlie Sheen outlives me, boy will I be pissed!
- Status
