Fire Without Flavor, Help!

[SimoneLisbon]

Hi,

I would appreciate any feedback you're willing to give on this story. The problem I'm having is that although I have a lot of this story written when I sit down to write the next chapter I can't seem to catch the same flavor I had with chapter 1. I have a lot of scenes (er, sex) written but the story is missing. I think I've written myself into a plot hole, and now I have to work backwards and through the piece.

I want honest feedback, good or bad. Constructive critisism is always greatly appreciated. Please give me the bones of the situation. Is there a plot/how's the narrative/dialog/does the story flow/are the characters well defined/etc.

I'm happy to tit for tat for a well phrased review.

Thanks,
Simone

http://www.literotica.com/s/rising-from-the-fire-ch-01

 

[polynices]

Um ... OK. Well, you say:

I think I've written myself into a plot hole, and now I have to work backwards and through the piece.

Chapter 1 - this chapter - seems, to me at least, to be so chock-full of plot it's positively overloaded. I think that may be the root of your problem.

I think what you've done so far is a bit like an outline. The voice is fine, but you introduce another new piece of background every other paragraph - that's how I remember it anyway. I think you went too fast: I think it needs rewriting, and the story you have so far would probably stretch to several more leisurely chapters.

I also think you sacrificed tension in your scramble to fit everything in. There are lots of possibilities for tension here - for guilt tension, for example, and fear and defiance, just for starters. I'd say you've let all your fireworks off at one go. One major firework per chapter should be enough.

Of course, the issue of pace is delicate: you've taken things at a hundred miles an hour and that made me lose interest. (I was intrigued initially, but I was skipping from about halfway through.) I realise, though, that a fast pace may be exactly what some readers want - a comic book approach maybe. (And I'm not against comic book fiction, by the way.) However, a fast pace shouldn't be at the expense of character, or tension. So that's the balance you have to achieve.

Of course, what you've written is unusual: the story definitely has potential - as does the writing, incidentally. But the centre of the problem is the old 'Show, don't tell' thing. You're writing a drama so it ought to be dramatic. If you pile too much extreme action on all at the same time, nothing is salient - nothing stands out. You've told us too much; you need to show it instead. You need to try to make it real. And that takes longer.

By the way, I skipped most of the sex. You're playing wth the idea of evil in this story, as far as I can tell, and that's much more dramatic than mere sex. Of course there needs to be sex in the story - the narrator's pregnancy is presumably going to be central, and she has to get pregnant somehow. But, for me, this isn't a sex story, though I'm not sure what it is yet. It could be a horror story, or even a comedy: I can't tell from what you've given us so far.

OK, that was my reaction - but it comes with the usual caveats. It may just be that I'm completely out of tune with this kind of writing, in which case you ought to listen to somebody else. However, and to summarize, I think your basic problem is that you've used up your plot too fast. If you develop the story more slowly, more will come because it'll develop its own logic.

- polynices

 

[SimoneLisbon]

Thanks

Yes I see what you mean...I'll work on it, see where I can go and try to repair the damage my strange mind created with this one...Thanks for the thoughts and review of my writing...

 

[Curiously_Looking]

I agree with polynices

I saw your thread here and thought I would check out your story. You went so fast and that's not a bad thing but it was at the expense of story development. I got slammed with so much information that I lost track of the explanation. The prologue helps, but it still seemed like you have a personal deadline to fill. Like you have to get it done in five chapters or less. I don't have a sense of who the characters are, even Vanessa really, whose POV the story is being told from. Your scenes are hot, but outside of that I don't know what your characters are feeling really. You're jumping too fast from one thing to another. So much so that I have questions about things that have happened in the plot so far. That being said, you have a very interesting concept here and I think that you can make it work. Rewriting it would be best, but not strictly necessary. Your story isn't bad, it just needs some work.

 

[PennLady]

Like the others, I think you went to fast. I was absolutely pummeled with information and had to stop. Speed is fine (I like comics, too, and cyberpunk sf), but you still need to provide background. Who are these people? Where did they come from? I realize you were likely going to address that later, but we still need a little foundation.

Even the first sentence provided some problems -- about the church's age. I gathered you meant the protagonist/narrator was very old, but I stumbled over that which is not a good sign. You shouldn't make the reader guess like that. Drop a hint, maybe, about the age; perhaps the narrator remembers when there was forest instead of the church, or something like that.

There's an interesting story here, but you need to flesh it out, give some history and background. I don't mean you should make it a textbook, but if you just throw info with no context, then there's no real story.

 

[SimoneLisbon]

Like the others, I think you went to fast. I was absolutely pummeled with information and had to stop. Speed is fine (I like comics, too, and cyberpunk sf), but you still need to provide background. Who are these people? Where did they come from? I realize you were likely going to address that later, but we still need a little foundation.

Even the first sentence provided some problems -- about the church's age. I gathered you meant the protagonist/narrator was very old, but I stumbled over that which is not a good sign. You shouldn't make the reader guess like that. Drop a hint, maybe, about the age; perhaps the narrator remembers when there was forest instead of the church, or something like that.

There's an interesting story here, but you need to flesh it out, give some history and background. I don't mean you should make it a textbook, but if you just throw info with no context, then there's no real story.

Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it. I explained how I forgot that this piece had a prologue and needed one. I had written one so I posted it recently. The issue I was having was I started writing this a year ago, then put it away, a friend wanted an excerpt and I sent them ch 1. I forgot about the prologue when I posted it, but have corrected that issue now...

 

[SimoneLisbon]

Okay, so I finished another chapter...I wrote it awhile ago, then got inspired added dialogue and really tried to put the breaks on the action, but still added the sex scenes I'd originally written a year ago...I'm trying not to care considering the lack of feedback on the prologue which I posted after I post chapter 1 to such great reviews...Should be up by next weekend considering there's a contest going on and it takes a bit more time for things to post...I only caught two errors in the whole thing after I'd posted it...That's got to be a record for me...