Aversion to BDSM...?

[lovebound]

Okay, so I need suggestions. K and I were at the show on the weekend and after browsing through all the vendors and dildos and pole dancing exhibitions we took a turn through the 'dungeon'. There was a lady getting flogged and a lot of toys laid out to look at and ask questions about. This, unknown to K, is my favorite part of the show.

My problem is this: K says, "Let's go. I hate S&M. I'm not into beating women."

I was pretty much dumbstruck and didn't know what to say. Beating women is obviously not what BDSM is about at all but what stuns me is that this is the impression we seem to have got. Now how in the world do I go about educating someone I care deeply about when that someone turns tail at the slightest mention?

While at the show I did get to talking to one of the exhibitors who explained what a munch was - more for K's benefit than mine - but that didn't seem to improve the mood. Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation?

 

[Flintvoyager]

its kinda the same here with me... She really don't know if she can sumit her self all the way are wants to even try to.. I know its not everyones cup of tea but i'm still working on her to at least try something at least once! But just beating women it isn't!! trust me i like to have a woman to be in control of me and vis versa!

 

[J D Danger]

if it were me I would start by trying to get him involed in light play.....maybe playfully tease him and try to get him to the point where he gives you a spanking...if that goes well...then after....you can try to say something like ...hey do you remember that show we were at last weekend??....you reaction to the S and M stuff kind of shocked me...when he asked why..keep going...

if he is not into the light spanking...say your sorry that you were only trying to be playful that you thought it would be fun and then ask hi flat out why he is so dead set against it


Just a couple of ideas...I am kind of interested to see what others say

 

[Netzach]

You know how what turns you on turns you on, even if someone explains to you that it doesn't make any sense, or it's wrong?

You know how what doesn't do it for you just doesn't?

Yeah, that. Maybe no amount of explanation and coaching is going to create a turn on for someone. Even if consciously he comes to understand that BDSM isn't abuse etc. it doesn't mean his cock is ever going to follow along.

 

[YourCaptor]

Ask him to tr it before he knocks it, you know, cause he loves you.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Like Netzach said, if he isn't into it he isn't and there is nothing you can do to change that. It sounds like you have kept this part of you secret hoping you could steer him in that direction when the right moment came along. Unfortunately, this is not the good basis to build any relationship on. Best you can do is tell him who you are and what you are into and see what he says once he knows.

Catalina

 

[lovebound]

You know how what turns you on turns you on, even if someone explains to you that it doesn't make any sense, or it's wrong?

You know how what doesn't do it for you just doesn't?

Yeah, that. Maybe no amount of explanation and coaching is going to create a turn on for someone. Even if consciously he comes to understand that BDSM isn't abuse etc. it doesn't mean his cock is ever going to follow along.

It really is less about making K horny for it and more about how much it bothers me that he thinks 'beating women' is what I am into. We do light play and I'm plenty happy about it but there doesn't seem to be a connection between spanking and D/s.

Like Netzach said, if he isn't into it he isn't and there is nothing you can do to change that. It sounds like you have kept this part of you secret hoping you could steer him in that direction when the right moment came along. Unfortunately, this is not the good basis to build any relationship on. Best you can do is tell him who you are and what you are into and see what he says once he knows.

Catalina

I'm hardly secret about it, I simply haven't said enough to make him bolt. :/ I think what I'm hoping for a is a gentler and more appealing way to introduce him to what I understand bdsm to be than, "Let's go hang out with a bunch of people who frequently wear leather and beat each other."

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm hardly secret about it, I simply haven't said enough to make him bolt. :/ I think what I'm hoping for a is a gentler and more appealing way to introduce him to what I understand bdsm to be than, "Let's go hang out with a bunch of people who frequently wear leather and beat each other."

Well honestly, you don't have to hang out with anyone other than each other, so that may be preferrable to him than being social with others into BDSM. Still, though you may have told him a little, it sounds like you want a lot more but had kept quiet about it hoping it would happen on its own or through going to the show. Best way to ever deal with these things is to be 100% honest and discuss it like adults otherwise you leave the situation open to misunderstandings and possible deception.

Catal

 

[J D Danger]

It really is less about making K horny for it and more about how much it bothers me that he thinks 'beating women' is what I am into. We do light play and I'm plenty happy about it but there doesn't seem to be a connection between spanking and D/s.



I'm hardly secret about it, I simply haven't said enough to make him bolt. :/ I think what I'm hoping for a is a gentler and more appealing way to introduce him to what I understand bdsm to be than, "Let's go hang out with a bunch of people who frequently wear leather and beat each other."

the most gentle way to introduce him to what you understand BDSM to be is to talk to him about it and then continue the light play that you are doing...and by continue I mean..try new things...different things..if you want ideas you can PM me

if his reaction bothers you....be up front with him and tell him

 

[Stella_Omega]

It really is less about making K horny for it and more about how much it bothers me that he thinks 'beating women' is what I am into. We do light play and I'm plenty happy about it but there doesn't seem to be a connection between spanking and D/s.

I'm hardly secret about it, I simply haven't said enough to make him bolt. :/ I think what I'm hoping for a is a gentler and more appealing way to introduce him to what I understand bdsm to be than, "Let's go hang out with a bunch of people who frequently wear leather and beat each other."

For sure then, keep him out of the dungeons! That's where leatherfolk go when we want to play hard and not have the neighbors call the cops on us.

 

[faulknerlovr]

Well, I'm not sure there is any better way to get the misconception of S&M out of his head than to talk to him about it. Tell him why it works for you and what it symbolizes or communicates to you in your mind. Tell him about how there are loving couples who engage in this same type of play. And of course, some people will never get it out of their heads, but the best way is to confront it head-on, it seems. Though mentioning the acts don't seem to be the right way to go about communicating what you see...it seems like the best way is to focus on the feelings.

On a personal note, it took me a really long time to understand what my partner wanted...longer than I'd like to admit at this point, but eventually it wore on me after checking some things out and having honest, up-front conversations. It sounds like you're well on your way though!

 

[ownedsubgal]

It really is less about making K horny for it and more about how much it bothers me that he thinks 'beating women' is what I am into. We do light play and I'm plenty happy about it but there doesn't seem to be a connection between spanking and D/s.

well the reality is BDSM and D/s mean different things to different people. my Master and i have never proclaimed to be a part of the "BDSM lifestyle," however our relationship is based in D/s and and he definitely beats me...not for fun or play, but because i have stepped out of line, made some mistake, or even because he just had a really stressful day. so "beating women" would be an accurate description of D/s for us.

if it's not that for you, that's all well and good, but it will be hard to convince your significant other that the lifestyle is and isn't about x, y, and z, when the truth is that for some folks it is absolutely about x, y, and z.

 

[lovebound]

Well honestly, you don't have to hang out with anyone other than each other, so that may be preferrable to him than being social with others into BDSM. Still, though you may have told him a little, it sounds like you want a lot more but had kept quiet about it hoping it would happen on its own or through going to the show. Best way to ever deal with these things is to be 100% honest and discuss it like adults otherwise you leave the situation open to misunderstandings and possible deception.

Catal

I know you're right. It's just difficult to open up a subject in conversation when all your counterpart seems to do is close it. C'est la vie.

For sure then, keep him out of the dungeons! That's where leatherfolk go when we want to play hard and not have the neighbors call the cops on us.

What if you've got a thing for cops?

Well, I'm not sure there is any better way to get the misconception of S&M out of his head than to talk to him about it. Tell him why it works for you and what it symbolizes or communicates to you in your mind. Tell him about how there are loving couples who engage in this same type of play. And of course, some people will never get it out of their heads, but the best way is to confront it head-on, it seems. Though mentioning the acts don't seem to be the right way to go about communicating what you see...it seems like the best way is to focus on the feelings.

Thanks for that, I needed a few things to focus on and what you've said really is the core of it.

if it's not that for you, that's all well and good, but it will be hard to convince your significant other that the lifestyle is and isn't about x, y, and z, when the truth is that for some folks it is absolutely about x, y, and z.

That's a good point and I knew it would come up at some junction. I'm kind of hoping that level of the onion will be revealed all in good time.

 

[Netzach]

It really is less about making K horny for it and more about how much it bothers me that he thinks 'beating women' is what I am into. We do light play and I'm plenty happy about it but there doesn't seem to be a connection between spanking and D/s

Because for a lot of people there isn't. Spanking is playful, hot, ass jiggling cuteness. It doesn't mean anything about what happens when you're not doing it. That might be where he clocks in.

 

[lovebound]

Because for a lot of people there isn't. Spanking is playful, hot, ass jiggling cuteness. It doesn't mean anything about what happens when you're not doing it. That might be where he clocks in.

You're probably right...

 

[Stella_Omega]

What if you've got a thing for cops?

I'm sorry, I don't have much sense of humor today. I have the sense that I could appreciate the kind of whipping that would engender some blood splatters and screaming. To do that, I need a dungeon.

If you want to meet me there with your BF, by all means be my guest.

Oh, I know what-- let him see women topping men. That might show him that BDSM is not all about men beating women, it can be the other way round.

 

[cromsgirl]

I also use to think that BDSM was all about beating people. In college I had a boyfriend that liked slapping my ass while we had sex. It didn't do anything for me and eventually just became annoying. Another one wanted to hand cuff me and I laughed at him. Fast forward a decade or so, I'm married and like reading erotica. My husband finds this site and points me to it. I started reading all the top ranked stories on here. After a while I noticed that all the stories I really liked had a BDSM theme and started telling my husband which stories I liked, so he could read them too. We already did a little hair pulling and biting and so we talked about what scenes in the stories particularly turned us on. We found some common themes and then went to the local sex store and bought a few toys. We have bought more and made more and improvised more since then. It really is a process that requires lots of discussion. If he won't even talk about it, then you have a problem.

 

[FurryFury]

My husband didn't like or understand the idea of BDSM and didn't want to.

What he does want to do is whatever it is I am into.

Of course what I want him to do is what he is into.

It would be nice if he was into, what I am into, but with a few exceptions, he isn't.

OTOH, he has come to understand what I don't want to be "beaten" but I do like impact and abrasion sensations.

Cause, damn it, I can't help but talk about shit when it seems like a good time to do so.

LOL

FF

 

[teknight]

You know how what turns you on turns you on, even if someone explains to you that it doesn't make any sense, or it's wrong?

You know how what doesn't do it for you just doesn't?

Yeah, that. Maybe no amount of explanation and coaching is going to create a turn on for someone. Even if consciously he comes to understand that BDSM isn't abuse etc. it doesn't mean his cock is ever going to follow along.

Like Netzach said, if he isn't into it he isn't and there is nothing you can do to change that. It sounds like you have kept this part of you secret hoping you could steer him in that direction when the right moment came along. Unfortunately, this is not the good basis to build any relationship on. Best you can do is tell him who you are and what you are into and see what he says once he knows.

Catalina

I love how fatalist the BDSM crowd seems to be around here.

It's a simple question of pairing the right stimuli with the desired response.

You can create a turn on for some one! Or do you honestly believe that your sexual preferences and practices have not changed throughout your life.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I love how fatalist the BDSM crowd seems to be around here.

It's a simple question of pairing the right stimuli with the desired response.

You can create a turn on for some one! Or do you honestly believe that your sexual preferences and practices have not changed throughout your life.

It's one thing to have changing preferences, another to be trained into something like a performing monkey.

*grins*



(arguing for the sake of it, ignore me)

 

[teknight]

It's one thing to have changing preferences, another to be trained into something like a performing monkey.

*grins*



(arguing for the sake of it, ignore me)

Argue all you want- your cognitions can change too.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Argue all you want- your cognitions can change too.

I know.

I'm just more about helping someone to think about something, and encouraging them to want to explore, letting things develop organically, and then decide if they like it, rather than creating Pavlovian responses to stimuli.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Humans don't develop "Pavlovian responses" without cognition, especially when the stimulus is something strange and upsetting to them. Not unless they are in an evironoment that is almost impossible to create without -- yanno-- complete contravention of the Geneva Convention.

Basically, though, the argument is not that BDSM defaults to all men beating all women. Rather, it's one particular person beating another particular person.

Maybe you can find a copy of this film:

http://www.bdsmdocumentary.com/

I'm told it's very good-- highly recommended.

 

[lovebound]

How do I go about explaining BDSM really? There are so many facets that someone who hasn't invested any time in learning about it would never comprehend... How do I sum it up? Is that even possible?

 

[teknight]

How do I go about explaining BDSM really? There are so many facets that someone who hasn't invested any time in learning about it would never comprehend... How do I sum it up? Is that even possible?

Who says he needs to be a BDSM encyclopedia before getting into it?
Present that which interests you most (well, the tamer stuff first) and focus on why it's pleasurable and good for you.