New to BDSM

[AngusMan]

Well, I've been off and on the general board here for years, had several girlfriends and have finally fallen head over heals for one. But she is a sub, so I find myself here. What follows is mostly a jumble of thoughts, as it is 1 am here and I couldn't sleep.

I've never thought of myself as have dominant tendancies, but she seems to be bringing it out of me. To make things complicated, she has a "cyber-master". A master she has met only online. He is encouraging her in our relationship and has given her several tasks to do with/for me. I am slowly taking his place as her master, and learning her limits. How far can I push her as he master I wonder?

We have been dating for a month now, meeting only on weekends because of our seperate schedules. Tomorrow will be our first bondage session. So I thought I'd introduce myself and ask for any advice you might have. We are taking things VERY slow. And while we have slept together and had some very steamy nights, we haven't actually had sex yet. (She's not comfortable with that yet.) Is that normal in a sub/master relationship?

My sexual experience far outweighs her own. I thought I'd find that frustrating at first, but I'm actually enjoying teaching her. And she seems to enjoy learning. I've been giving her literature on certain subjects such as felatio to study, as well as steering her towards websites such as this. Are there any other good information sources or books she could learn from?

My setup is going to be simple. I'll be using a four point restraint system to tie her to her bed, spread eagle. I'll be using light cord, thats been braided to triple the size for the part that will be tied to her wrists and ankles and padded with athletic wristbands. The knots will be tied so as to provide her own means of release, should that be needed. Her safety word will be purple. She will be blindfolded and not gagged. Is there anything I'm missing safety wise?

Oh, and I don't like using the word slave for her. I prefer using "sub", "submissive" or "pet". Is that a problem with anyone?

I appologize for the jumble and any spelling errors.

 

[Pleasure_Fan]

The only thing you appear to be missing to me is a cock-sure attitude

 

[AngusMan]

The only thing you appear to be missing to me is a cock-sure attitude

Oh, I've got that when I'm around her. I'm just casting a wide net to see if there is anything I either need or can add to her pleasure this weekend.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Should there be a need for her to untie the rope, likely it would need to be untied faster than she could. Have some safety shears nearby.

 

[unsureofherself]

Not a lot to add, just - lucky girl, and have a great time!!

 

[Cattypuss]

Should there be a need for her to untie the rope, likely it would need to be untied faster than she could. Have some safety shears nearby.

This. Also, if I knew I could untie myself, all the thrill would be gone for me. He has to have the power - that's the point. The safeword should be enough.

Also, I have found the traffic light system of safewords very useful, especially as it allows the dom to ask the sub what colour she is whenever he likes.

Green = I am happy as a pig in shit!

Yellow = this is close to the limit of what I can take - proceed with caution

Red = stop right this instant

I actually find it very hot when I am whimpering in pain and a low voice in my ear asks me what colour I am - especially if I am able to say "Green" lol.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

The only thing you appear to be missing to me is a cock-sure attitude

Should there be a need for her to untie the rope, likely it would need to be untied faster than she could. Have some safety shears nearby.

This. Also, if I knew I could untie myself, all the thrill would be gone for me. He has to have the power - that's the point. The safeword should be enough.

Also, I have found the traffic light system of safewords very useful, especially as it allows the dom to ask the sub what colour she is whenever he likes.

Green = I am happy as a pig in shit!

Yellow = this is close to the limit of what I can take - proceed with caution

Red = stop right this instant

I actually find it very hot when I am whimpering in pain and a low voice in my ear asks me what colour I am - especially if I am able to say "Green" lol.

To comment on prior comments:

As Pleasure_Fan said, it's refreshing to see someone come in here new to the culture *not* believing they already know everything, even though it's fairly obvious that you have either done some good research or are a pretty intelligent and sensible person - or both.

UMB's suggestion on the safety shears is a good one. It's amazing how often a "simple knot" with a built-in quick release can become snarled and un-untie-able in a situation that has somehow gone wrong.

Cattypuss also has a couple of good points, the first regarding "where the power is;" the second on the traffic light system of safewords, because just about anyone over the age of consent is so familiar with the green-yellow-red sequence that it's easy for them to keep their scene meanings in mind. You might want to discuss that system with her and determine what the best system for (the two of) you is.

To comment on my own behalf:

The degree of preparation you have undertaken, both in research and in having the humility to come here and ask if there are other things you need to consider, leads me to believe that you're going to be a good PYL for her - one who has consideration not only for your own needs and desires but also for hers.

Keep us advised, at least on the generalities of your journey.

 

[Pleasure_Fan]

Oh, I've got that when I'm around her. I'm just casting a wide net to see if there is anything I either need or can add to her pleasure this weekend.

Awww, can't a girl poke a bit of fun on a Friday night? In truth I'm positively green with envy.. . Enjoy!

 

[AngusMan]

Those are some excellent points. I actually don't intend to rely on knots. I was planing on useing caribeeners. Those seem safer and easier to use than having a pair of sharp sheers nearby with a panicing pet. I did not plan on leaving her alone while tied up. Or if I did, I would leave a way for her to get out of her restraints herself. A slipknot she could pull if she needed to get out and I wasn't there to untie her myself.

As for the safety word, I was just gonna have one word that means "Stop! We need a reality check!" Say, I start doing something and she starts to panic, she says "purple" and I stop imediately and the playacting is over. If she says to untie her after the safety word, I untie her. I figure that if she starts to panic, its easier to remember one word that several. And if after talking it out, she wants to go right back into it, we can. I like to follow the rule of KISS. (Keep It Simple Stupid)

 

[Sir_Winston54]

....

As for the safety word, I was just gonna have one word that means "Stop! We need a reality check!" Say, I start doing something and she starts to panic, she says "purple" and I stop imediately and the playacting is over. If she says to untie her after the safety word, I untie her. I figure that if she starts to panic, its easier to remember one word that several. And if after talking it out, she wants to go right back into it, we can. I like to follow the rule of KISS. (Keep It Simple Stupid)

KISS is a good rule to follow in a lot of circumstances and situations; however, with the deep familiarity most of us have with green-yellow-red, it allows you - and her - to have some deeper levels of meaning in that *Simple* communication, as noted by Cattypuss.

Yes, it's nice to know that she has a quick-and-easy way to tell you she's in distress, but wouldn't it also be nice(r?) for her to have a quick and easy way to tell you, "Hey, I'm getting close to my limit; let's slow down and proceed with caution" (yellow), or "Wow, this is fan-freakin'-tastic... keep doin' what you're doin', full speed ahead!" (green) instead of only one thing, and that have/be a negative impact on your activities?

 

[Cattypuss]

I actually think the three-stage traffic-light system (rather than the one-stage safeword) is ESPECIALLY useful for people who are exploring BDSM and/or each other for the first time.

If my dom has been domming me for five years, he can read my non-verbal reactions pretty well - he can tell when I'm thriving despite being in pain/scared, and he can tell when I'm near my limits. If we're new to this, more explicit communication will enrich the experience for both of us, as well as making it safer.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Should there be a need for her to untie the rope, likely it would need to be untied faster than she could. Have some safety shears nearby.

There are ways you can leave the end of the rope in the hand O(or within easy reach) and one pull and it all comes undone, so is probably quicker than expressing the need, him reaching for the shears and safely cutting the rope (and thus probably ruining it for future use).

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

This. Also, if I knew I could untie myself, all the thrill would be gone for me. He has to have the power - that's the point.

This can easily be achieved by fully accepting he has the power and if you were to take that power into your own hands and undo yourself without good reason, not only would punishment follow and all play end, but you would know you had severly disappointed him and overstepped your perceived line. It is also about safety as there are rare occasions when something happens unexpected and the PYL is simply unable to undo the bonds themselves....being able to free yourself quickly and get help would be a huge plus in that moment.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Well, I've been off and on the general board here for years, had several girlfriends and have finally fallen head over heals for one. But she is a sub, so I find myself here. What follows is mostly a jumble of thoughts, as it is 1 am here and I couldn't sleep.

Sounds to me like you are off to a great start and have done your homework. Also sounds as if your dominant fire has just been waiting for the right spark to set it to full flame. Enjoy the journey.

Catalina

 

[AngusMan]

I

Sounds to me like you are off to a great start and have done your homework. Also sounds as if your dominant fire has just been waiting for the right spark to set it to full flame. Enjoy the journey.

Catalina

I agree. She has certainly stirred my fire. Now I can tie her up and stir hers.

 

[fuckmeat]

No matter how foolproof your quick-release setup is, DO NOT leave her unattended while bound. There are plenty of experienced players who simply would not do this, no matter how many boy scout badges in tying knots they might have. As a newbie to bondage and the strain a flailing woman will put on your handiwork, I strongly urge you to remain present at all times, at least until you're more established, both as a rope jockey and her SO/Master. Also, give some thought to how robust your bed is. The best laid knots are no good to you if your bed is old and rickety or made from something cheap and flimsy.

Other than that, I'd also consider some kind of non-verbal safe-signal for times when her mouth is busy. This can be a handsign or simply holding something that will make an unmistakeable sound when dropped.

Kudos to you for being man enough to seek further wisdom rather than assuming you can wing it.

 

[ultramarineblue]

There are ways you can leave the end of the rope in the hand O(or within easy reach) and one pull and it all comes undone, so is probably quicker than expressing the need, him reaching for the shears and safely cutting the rope (and thus probably ruining it for future use).

Catalina

I absolutely agree with this. I would still want shears on the off chance something went wrong with that. I would definitely not want to ruin rope. It's the best thing ever to me.

 

[AngusMan]

No matter how foolproof your quick-release setup is, DO NOT leave her unattended while bound. There are plenty of experienced players who simply would not do this, no matter how many boy scout badges in tying knots they might have. As a newbie to bondage and the strain a flailing woman will put on your handiwork, I strongly urge you to remain present at all times, at least until you're more established, both as a rope jockey and her SO/Master. Also, give some thought to how robust your bed is. The best laid knots are no good to you if your bed is old and rickety or made from something cheap and flimsy.

Other than that, I'd also consider some kind of non-verbal safe-signal for times when her mouth is busy. This can be a handsign or simply holding something that will make an unmistakeable sound when dropped.

Kudos to you for being man enough to seek further wisdom rather than assuming you can wing it.

I wouldn't dream of it. I might blindfold her and make her think she's alone, but I would NEVER leave her by herself tied up. The clips I used on her bed were in her reach. The ropes were only meant to keep her hands and arms spread. (She tends to want to curl up when she has an orgasm.) I figured the resistance would add some to her orgasm. And to keep her from latching on to me. She looks tiny, but she is increadibly strong during an orgasm.

I have a professionally made set of hand and leg restraints on the way, so I won't need my cheapo method, and they are easy release as well. Just velcro on padded cuffs. Strong enough for the job, but fast and easy to release. I think they'll work well with the dog collar I got her too.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Just velcro on padded cuffs. Strong enough for the job, but fast and easy to release. I think they'll work well with the dog collar I got her too.

Sounds like the set we have. They are very strong, quick, and can be used in a variety of ways. Ours also clip together if needed.

Catalina

 

[satindesire]

A few books worth reading.

The New Topping Book- http://www.amazon.com/New-Topping-B...V5DW/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1299543462&sr=8-2

The New Bottoming Book- http://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming...9352/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1299543462&sr=8-1

The Loving Dominant- http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Domina...9727/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1299543462&sr=8-3

***********

A side note about labels. You said you're a Dom and you're uncomfortable with the term "Slave". If she considers herself a Slave and not a Submissive, then you should probably use whatever term she calls herself, in respect of how she views herself.

Also, since you consider yourself a Dom and she your Sub, you should note that most people view "Dom" and "Master" differently. A "Master" has a "Slave" and a "Dom" has a "Submissive"...USUALLY. YMMV.

My inbox is open to you should you or her ever need advice or ideas.

You also asked if it's "normal" that you two haven't had intercourse yet. In this BDSM world you're living in now, you'll very quickly realize that there is no such thing as "Normal". Regardless of whether or not other people have sex, you two should wait to have sex until you are both totally comfortable with each other. Intercourse, for many people, is a highly intimate activity that won't be pleasurable or fun, and could potentially be emotionally harmful! if you two haven't established a solid, trusting relationship. Not everyone thinks about intercourse like that, but she obviously needs some very high level of trust and comfort with you before allowing herself to have intercourse with you.

Since you're expressing concern about it, you should consider talking to her about these concerns. I know intercourse can be HIGHLY important to the long term health of a relationship and if you feel like you're ready to have sex with her, you should express this gently and with no judgment. She may be ready, as well, but too nervous or shy to take an obvious step towards increasing the physical intimacy of your relationship.

This will be a theme in the advice you see here. COMMUNICATE. COOOOMUUUUUNICATE with your partner. This is the end-all-be-all of your relationship, if you two cannot talk about everything and anything, you two will experience some serious issues that will continue to exponentially worsen until it kills the relationship through resentment. NOT GOOD.

Talking is good. Do it.

 

[AngusMan]

A few books worth reading.

The New Topping Book- http://www.amazon.com/New-Topping-B...V5DW/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1299543462&sr=8-2

The New Bottoming Book- http://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming...9352/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1299543462&sr=8-1

The Loving Dominant- http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Domina...9727/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1299543462&sr=8-3

***********

A side note about labels. You said you're a Dom and you're uncomfortable with the term "Slave". If she considers herself a Slave and not a Submissive, then you should probably use whatever term she calls herself, in respect of how she views herself.

Also, since you consider yourself a Dom and she your Sub, you should note that most people view "Dom" and "Master" differently. A "Master" has a "Slave" and a "Dom" has a "Submissive"...USUALLY. YMMV.

My inbox is open to you should you or her ever need advice or ideas.

You also asked if it's "normal" that you two haven't had intercourse yet. In this BDSM world you're living in now, you'll very quickly realize that there is no such thing as "Normal". Regardless of whether or not other people have sex, you two should wait to have sex until you are both totally comfortable with each other. Intercourse, for many people, is a highly intimate activity that won't be pleasurable or fun, and could potentially be emotionally harmful! if you two haven't established a solid, trusting relationship. Not everyone thinks about intercourse like that, but she obviously needs some very high level of trust and comfort with you before allowing herself to have intercourse with you.

Since you're expressing concern about it, you should consider talking to her about these concerns. I know intercourse can be HIGHLY important to the long term health of a relationship and if you feel like you're ready to have sex with her, you should express this gently and with no judgment. She may be ready, as well, but too nervous or shy to take an obvious step towards increasing the physical intimacy of your relationship.

This will be a theme in the advice you see here. COMMUNICATE. COOOOMUUUUUNICATE with your partner. This is the end-all-be-all of your relationship, if you two cannot talk about everything and anything, you two will experience some serious issues that will continue to exponentially worsen until it kills the relationship through resentment. NOT GOOD.

Talking is good. Do it.

Thank you for the links. I'm sure they'll be helpfull. We actually did finally have intercourse last weekend. Not as a Master/sub, but just as a couple. She needed it after the week she'd had. Now she can't get enough. lol. And yes, we did talk for almost 6 weeks about it before it happened. I gave her 6 shattering orgasms Saturday night, and afterwards, she confessed that was the first time she'd had an orgasm with a man. It does seem like that has broken down the wall of "mistrust" she had in most men, or at least gave me the key to the gate. Now she is more open to new experiences. She trusts me now. Even though the intercourse we had was somewhat.... accidental. lol

 

[SimonBrooke]

Those are some excellent points. I actually don't intend to rely on knots. I was planing on useing caribeeners. Those seem safer and easier to use than having a pair of sharp sheers nearby with a panicing pet.

OK, stop.

Firstly, 'safety shears' (sold anywhere that sells first aid equipment - your local pharmacist, probably) really are pretty safe (although to me cutting rope is blasphemy!) Next, if you want something which is quick to attach and quick to release use police style handcuffs (NOT cheap ones sold as sex toys, they tend to be flimsy and often have sharp edges); second easiest but much more comfortable for the victim, use leather cuffs with double-ended dog clips. Tying someone with rope and subsequently untying them is rarely quick. Rope can be very beautiful - there is a real aesthetic to rope bondage - but quick it aint.

I did not plan on leaving her alone while tied up.

No, don't. But (particularly if you blindfold her) there are ways of persuading her she is alone, even when you're actually there keeping her safe. Walk heavily to the door, open it, close it. Wait without moving. Many variations on this, obviously.

Or if I did, I would leave a way for her to get out of her restraints herself. A slipknot she could pull if she needed to get out and I wasn't there to untie her myself.

I've done this for the start of 'escape and recapture' scenes, but I'm never actually very far away.

As for the safety word, I was just gonna have one word that means "Stop! We need a reality check!" Say, I start doing something and she starts to panic, she says "purple" and I stop imediately and the playacting is over. If she says to untie her after the safety word, I untie her. I figure that if she starts to panic, its easier to remember one word that several. And if after talking it out, she wants to go right back into it, we can. I like to follow the rule of KISS. (Keep It Simple Stupid)

This is all I do. I know a lot of people who use Cattypuss' system, but I never have. I will sometimes ask my victim when she seems distressed, 'do you need to safeword?'

 

[Allyourbase]

Other than that, I'd also consider some kind of non-verbal safe-signal for times when her mouth is busy. This can be a handsign or simply holding something that will make an unmistakeable sound when dropped.

This.

Or squeezes might work. Squeeze her hand twice, for example, and if she's ok, she'll squeeze back twice. If she's not enjoying herself, or not together enough anymore, she won't. In general, it'll give you the opportunity to check up on her, without having to ask explicitly. For some people asking breaks the spell a bit.

 

[pussy_eater13]

hmm

The only thing you appear to be missing to me is a cock-sure attitude

I don't seem to have that problem ;-)

 

[Pleasure_Fan]

Nope - you're pretty sure