ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[chy_girl]

lmao, I love it

Maybe he'll message back and I can tell him all about how my non-safewording victim said he wanted anal and it wasn't my fault he didn't specify what he wanted anal with.

*looks innocent*

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Maybe he'll message back and I can tell him all about how my non-safewording victim said he wanted anal and it wasn't my fault he didn't specify what he wanted anal with.

*looks innocent*

That's a crucial loophole.



'

So to speak.

 

[chy_girl]

That's a crucial loophole.



'

So to speak.

True but I'm afraid I got a bit impatient. I had some meat braising in a skillet that needed tended to but I was in a hurry to get the reply sent.

 

[neci]

asshat:
neci please me

me:


there's a urinal in the OS thread.

 

[satindesire]

Oh Man, here's a few doozy's. My thoughts in RED

Asshat:

it is possible thru the use of hypnosis to "implant" a trigger in your mind so that every time you hear that word spoken by owner you immediately become a complete bimbo, As opposed to a partial bimbo? this can be combined with other triggers of your owners desire -- please discuss this with him and get back to me--if the two of you are interested i am a master hypnotist and can do the implanting via the internet! Where does one get the degree or certification of "Master Hypnotist", exactly?

I kind of sat there for a minute and thought about what would be the best way to handle a situation like that. If I was rude to him, he'd probably be more than happy to return the favor. If I was too nice to him, there'd be no end to the messages until I blocked him. I finally figured the best course of action would be to act firmly rejecting in a polite but very solidly negative way.

My reply:

I appreciate the offer, but neither myself nor my husband are interested in hypnosis.

I'm already a complete bimbo for him whenever he asks. No hypnosis needed.

*********************

For those of you on the other website, if you've read my profile lately you'll see I've shared a bit of some thoughts I've been having recently about some relationship issues I've been working through with Mister Man. In my profile, it states " I'm struggling, let's just put it that way. So please forgive me if I seem a little sad and mopey for the next god-knows-how-long. My BDSM dynamic is nonexistent and I don't feel like a wife and sub anymore, I feel like a maid, nanny and chef."

Well, someone who had been speaking to me in another group sent me this message:

Asshat: I think you are confusing being a sexual sub and being a real sub.



Real sub? REAL sub? Really? He's going to sit there and tell me that I'm not being a good enough submissive because of a situation that he has NO CLUE what's going on in?!

I messaged him back:

.........what was the point of this email, exactly? I don't think I'm the one that's confused right now, to be quite honest with you.

He replied:

I guess subtlety is a lost art....I was saying that you raded I think he meant "traded"one submissiveness for another, the way that you had described those activities.

but a better word: nevermind

Okay, fine. Whatever. He wants to think he's smart enough to figure out what a "Twue" sub is and isn't, fine. I didn't reply to him because that kind of arrogance is beyond repair.

HOWEVER...I decided to reject the friend request he had sent me. I don't need that kind of person following my feeds and seeing every post I make.

But, here's the clicker. Apparently the rejecting of his friends request didn't go down so hot for Mr. Smartypants, because in the thread he was speaking to me in, he said:

Asshat: or they are just people seeking to vent. Like:

I sent what I think is an interesting message with a bit of subtlety but I find out the recipient, a wombat with boobs, doesn't understand it/

There ar several things I culd do: Learn how to fucking type, maybe?
tell her to stickit up her arse, or better yet, tell her to have someone else stick it up her arse
or
post a FetLife Rant.

I don't think I did the first, I just did the second. So am I now subject to common sense regulations, accusations that I am not being logical?

And if this makes sense, it's completely accidental.

**********************

Here's where the gloves COME OFF.

My reply:

Okay [asshat] you want to play that game? Fine, let's play.

You have no right to stick your nose into my Inbox and send me a condescending, snotty little message implying ANYTHING about what I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT FEEL about my position in my BDSM dynamic with my husband. And if you DO feel like you have that right, I'm here to tell you that you couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel!

Not only do you have no idea what my life is like, you have no business guessing at things that you have no knowledge of, like no knowledge of what the situation is that's causing me to have such hopeless and sorrowful feelings about my relationship.

If you had HALF of the hardships that I dealt with on a daily basis, you would be a much stronger and more gracious person rather than the self-important lackwit without any sense of human decency that you've proven yourself to be.

Did you REALLY honestly think that you sending me a message basically implying that I should be happy with my station in life would go down well? Really? That's not subtle, that's arrogant, spiteful and mean spirited, not to mention incredibly STUPID.

And if I'm a "wombat with boobs", why'd you send me the message AND friend request? Anyone with eyes can see I'm a beautiful woman. I don't see any pictures of YOU on your profile, bub.

Seems like someone's mad because I outright rejected you and called you out on acting like a mean spirited little PRICK.

You want subtle? How about this! Go drink some hotdog water and DIE, you narcissistic asshole!

 

[gypsy*seer]

Oh Man, here's a few doozy's. My thoughts in RED

Man, you've got a way with words, girl!

Nice job! I'm still laughing my butt off....

 

[Etoile]

satindesire, you ARE gorgeous.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

satindesire, you ARE gorgeous.

And soooo good at ripping the maroons the new assholes they so richly deserve.

 

[Essene]

Here's where the gloves COME OFF.

My reply:

Okay [asshat] you want to play that game? Fine, let's play.

You have no right to stick your nose into my Inbox and send me a condescending, snotty little message implying ANYTHING about what I SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT FEEL about my position in my BDSM dynamic with my husband. And if you DO feel like you have that right, I'm here to tell you that you couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel!

Not only do you have no idea what my life is like, you have no business guessing at things that you have no knowledge of, like no knowledge of what the situation is that's causing me to have such hopeless and sorrowful feelings about my relationship.

If you had HALF of the hardships that I dealt with on a daily basis, you would be a much stronger and more gracious person rather than the self-important lackwit without any sense of human decency that you've proven yourself to be.

Did you REALLY honestly think that you sending me a message basically implying that I should be happy with my station in life would go down well? Really? That's not subtle, that's arrogant, spiteful and mean spirited, not to mention incredibly STUPID.

And if I'm a "wombat with boobs", why'd you send me the message AND friend request? Anyone with eyes can see I'm a beautiful woman. I don't see any pictures of YOU on your profile, bub.

Seems like someone's mad because I outright rejected you and called you out on acting like a mean spirited little PRICK.

You want subtle? How about this! Go drink some hotdog water and DIE, you narcissistic asshole!

Like.

 

[ImOnIt]

what is hotdog water?

 

[satindesire]

what is hotdog water?

In the South, hot dogs are usually boiled in water to cook them as opposed to grilling them.

The water that remains it weakly flavored with a thin film of fat and hot dog spices, and is famously foul smelling and disgusting when cold and a fantastic place for salmonella and other food related diseases to sprout.

 

[silverwhisper]

i just wanted to share that as of a few hours ago, how to now has its own version of this thread.

and now, back to your regularly-scheduled asshattery. :>

ed

 

[laceandcogs]

"u should cum to my house we can watch tv and...u know sorry i don't have a car"

... ... If there is a way to pack more pure, condensed loser into a single (is it single?) sentence, I don't think I'm aware of it.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

"u should cum to my house we can watch tv and...u know sorry i don't have a car"

... ... If there is a way to pack more pure, condensed loser into a single (is it single?) sentence, I don't think I'm aware of it.

Actually, it doesn't qualify as any type of properly-constructed sentence, though it does have four phrases that could, if separated and punctuated, *be* sentences on at least three different topics. As is, however, it has more the appearance (though not the substance) of Joycean stream of consciousness. I'll not comment on the text-speak aspects. That's just too painful altogether. The author (!), however, should be forcibly and permanently removed from the internet, and if possible, from the gene pool. ANY gene pool.

 

[chy_girl]

Actually, it doesn't qualify as any type of properly-constructed sentence, though it does have four phrases that could, if separated and punctuated, *be* sentences on at least three different topics. As is, however, it has more the appearance (though not the substance) of Joycean stream of consciousness. I'll not comment on the text-speak aspects. That's just too painful altogether. The author (!), however, should be forcibly and permanently removed from the internet, and if possible, from the gene pool. ANY gene pool.

*swoons*
It's so sexy when you go all teacher-like on us, SW. And, no, I'm not being a smartass.

 

[graceanne]

Subject: hiyou




Yes, I am in a bit of a mood. So beat me. No really, I'd love a nice hard flogging that goes on for an hour or two.

OMG

Chy, what have I told you about posting spew alerts!?! Seriously!! Now I gotta clean up my monitor!

 

[chy_girl]

OMG

Chy, what have I told you about posting spew alerts!?! Seriously!! Now I gotta clean up my monitor!

Sorry... I forgot. It was just so exciting to get another asshat PM that I didn't stop to think.

If you weren't so firmly in the not-a-switch category I'd offer to let you beat me for it.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

*swoons*
It's so sexy when you go all teacher-like on us, SW. And, no, I'm not being a smartass.

*Patented CM/BiBunny snort*

I just have a tendency to get annoyed when people either fail or don't bother to use their native language in a reasonably effective manner. I don't understand how - or when - it became acceptable or even desirable to sound/appear to be illiterate. I can accept poor spelling, and even some instances of less-than-stellar grammar, since that has become so endemic in our society that many people have never known it to be unacceptable, but "communication" in *that* form...

Oy.

 

[graceanne]

Sorry... I forgot. It was just so exciting to get another asshat PM that I didn't stop to think.

If you weren't so firmly in the not-a-switch category I'd offer to let you beat me for it.

And if I wasn't so firmly in the 'not a switch' category I might take you up on it. But honestly, we'd both be flat ass bored if I took you up on it.

 

[chy_girl]

And if I wasn't so firmly in the 'not a switch' category I might take you up on it. But honestly, we'd both be flat ass bored if I took you up on it.

ROFL - true enough.

A few months back there was a discussion on if any pyl could switch. You'd made a comment about being concerned with causing the bottom pain even if it's a good pain. Then proceeded to discribe it with something along the lines of *thwap/groan* "Are you ok?"

So a couple weekends ago I was giving one of my ex's a cupping. If she'd so much as take a deep breath, curl her toes, sigh, or moan a little I'd be poking at her wanting to know "Are you ok? Are you sure? Did it hurt in a bad way? Promise you'll tell me if it does?" Eventually I just decided to go on the theory that if she *that* gone it couldn't hurt that much even it did make me jump.

lol - Every time I'd check in with her I'd think of you and your 'what it would look like if I topped' scenario, gracie. It gave a much needed smile at the time.

Yeah... Topsy turvy, I'm not...

 

[graceanne]

ROFL - true enough.

A few months back there was a discussion on if any pyl could switch. You'd made a comment about being concerned with causing the bottom pain even if it's a good pain. Then proceeded to discribe it with something along the lines of *thwap/groan* "Are you ok?"

So a couple weekends ago I was giving one of my ex's a cupping. If she'd so much as take a deep breath, curl her toes, sigh, or moan a little I'd be poking at her wanting to know "Are you ok? Are you sure? Did it hurt in a bad way? Promise you'll tell me if it does?" Eventually I just decided to go on the theory that if she *that* gone it couldn't hurt that much even it did make me jump.

lol - Every time I'd check in with her I'd think of you and your 'what it would look like if I topped' scenario, gracie. It gave a much needed smile at the time.

Yeah... Topsy turvy, I'm not...

LOL! Yeah, that's how I always imagined it would look if I were to try and top. That and I'd be bored out of my mind, and that never makes for a good scene.

 

[satindesire]

Warning! This is long but worth the read!

This was an IM I got in a RPG chat room on YIM shortly after seven.

*Disclaimer*

My husband is Middle Eastern. I am not racist against Middle Eastern People nor do I think they are all terrorists. I was merely trolling for effect and these words below are NOT my belief system.

My Messages in RED

*********************
Asshat: hi
Me: Good morning. What brings you into my IM box today?
Asshat: search for frienship
Me: I'm not interested. Thank you and goodbye.
Asshat: no try only6
Me: Okay, sure. We'll be best friends from now on.
Me: You know what best friends do for each other?
Me: They send money to their friends when their friends need it.
Me: So since you're my new best friend, why don't you send me some money? I could really use it to get my car fixed.
Asshat: im mechanical engineer ican fix your car
Me: Okay, sure! You can come to my house.
Asshat: of course
Me: While you're here, you'll have to have sex with my husband, though. He likes it rough, so you might want to start training your anus with a dildo to stretch it out. Also, you might want to start sucking on bananas so you can get rid of your gag reflex. He has a pretty BIG penis!
Me: Hello? Super Best Friend?
Ass: it is my big dream
Ass: where is your house
Me: I live on the moon! It's so cool here. We have a big plastic bubble over our house to keep all the air in!
Me: Don't worry, I'm sure you can afford a rocket-ship ticket to the moon, right?
Ass: i have arocket in my house ican come with it
Me: Great! Okay, I live at 1337 your mom's house, Moon Drive Street Boulevard Rd.
Me: You'll have to bring your own food, water, oxygen, radio equipment and all the supplies to fix our car.
Me: I hope you can get ahold of some spare rocket car parts.
Me: They're pretty hard to find, you might have to check on the Black Market, but since you're Pakistani or Iraqi or whatever, I'm sure you have some Taliban connections or something.
Ass: iwant to ask you one question
Me: Sure, ask away Super Best Friend!
Ass: are you sexy
Me: I'm super sexy!
Me: I weigh about 500 pounds, and my penis is HUGE! I can't wait for you to see it!
Ass: what is the size of your pussy
Me: Oh silly, moon people don't have those. Those are for humans!
Me: All we moon folk have are REALLY BIG PENISES!
Me: But I'm sure you'll be okay with that. After all, you are my super best friend, right?
Ass: so how i can fuck you
Me: You won't be fucking me, silly goose! My husband will be fucking you in the ass.
Me: That's how moon people have babies!
Ass: it is wonderful
Me: After he loads his creamy seed into your backdoor, and of course after you've fixed our rocketcar, you can take your rocketship back to Earth and have his half-Taliban half-moon baby!
Me You'll have to take LOTS of ex-lax though. It's hard to push out something as big as a moon baby out of your ass.
Ass: so are you fuck your husband to bring chikdren
Me: Nooo, I don't fuck my husband, I don't fuck anyone!
Ass: so what you do
Me: Good moon wives get on yahoo chat and get people that don't speak English and don't know how to take "No" for an answer to come to the moon so their husbands can violently assrape them.
Me: That's the moonfolk tradition passed on from generation to generation. My mother taught me how to bake moonpies, and trick horny Middle Eastern men into looking like a complete tool over the internet!
Ass: ok that is right i will come soon
Ass: but iwant to fuck you als0o
Me: You can't! As soon as you get here, part of the Moon initiation process will be for my husband to remove your penis and testicles.
Me: That's AFTER you fix our rocketcar, though.
Me: He'll do it by slipping some rohypnol in your tasty adult beverage, then he'll string you up by your ankles in our butchering yard and saw them off with a moon saw!
Ass: your very hunny im happy for taiking with you
Me: When the blood has sufficiantly drained from the massive gaping wound in your groin, he'll carterize it shut with a red-hot poker from our fireplace. I'm sure once the blinding agony and swelling disappears, you'll be fine.
Me: Well, I can't say that. There was one guy who....
Me: Well, that was probably a fluke accident anyway.
Me: So! What else do you want to talk about, Super Best Friend?
Ass: it look like trouble film
BUZZ!!!
Me: Please don't buzz me. Moon people consider Buzzing very rude.
Me: That's the equivalent of your neighbor fucking your donkey in the ass without asking you first.
Me: And I'm sure you'd never want that to happen, would you?
Me: I mean, that's just mean. A man has a right to know when his neighbor's going to borrow his donkey for elicit sexual affairs, doesn't he? What's the world coming to these days?
BUZZ!!!
Me: Oh, I guess you're not my Super Best Friend then, are you?
Me: Super Best Friends don't buzz each other.
Me: I'm so heartbroken. I don't know what to do now.
Ass: imsorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry
Me: I can't accept your apology. Moon people never give second chances.
Ass: please
Me: Nope. Can't happen. There's a saying here on the moon. It goes "Brgogoglle phhbtbtbt murrrp bebop boop!"
Me: Which translated into English, which I'm not sure you can understand anyway, means "Fuck you in the ear sideways and enjoy this table of Penguin Shit Souffle!"
Ass: what is this idon't understand
Me: ....now come to think of it, the literal translation doesn't really make sense in English. It's all about context in Moon Speak anyway.
Me: But I digress.
Me: This Super Best Friendship is over.
Me: Goodbye, my horny Taliban dumbass.

 

[Vixandra]

Oh, satin desire, that is lovely. Hehehe moon people.

 

[graceanne]

This was an IM I got in a RPG chat room on YIM shortly after seven.

I am SO SO glad I didn't have anything in my mouth. ROFL

 

[FurryFury]

That was funny.

LMAO!

FF