Feedback, pretty please?

[TheLioness]

Hi Everyone! I'm new and would really appreciate feedback on my first story.
http://www.literotica.com/s/did-you-miss-me
I'll give fair warning that's it's lesbian themed so read it if that's your thing
Thanks guys! I'm looking forward to a good time here

 

[vqfarrold]

Your writing style is quite easy and fluent and I found the story easy reading. I thought the story was almost entirely 'genitally-oriented' which could well suit most readers and for you, maybe the motivation was to set down in writing a particular fantasy of this nature. Just referring to my own particular tastes, I wouldn't have minded something more by way of plot, physical description of the two women, some description of their characters, some interaction between them at the psychological level, a bit more build-up in the sexual tension. A bit more originality overall, really, would be desirable. The story that you list in your favourites seems to have plenty of originality in terms of plot. A lesbian-themed story that I think would hold its own in any anthology of short stories through sheer quality of the writing is 'Taking Cara's Business' by SWinters. Another very good writer of lesbian-themed stories, unfortunately apparently no longer active, is Sam Cornell. Both are on this site, of course. The first has a BDSM theme, the second anal, neither of which may be to your taste, but I give them as examples of erotic writing in the lesbian category that, in my opinion, are really very original and entertaining and from which other writers, myself included, can learn a lot.

Best wishes, hope you do have a good time on this site.

 

[lovecraft68]

Hi Everyone! I'm new and would really appreciate feedback on my first story.
http://www.literotica.com/s/did-you-miss-me
I'll give fair warning that's it's lesbian themed so read it if that's your thing
Thanks guys! I'm looking forward to a good time here

Hi
First off your writing itself is very good. It flowed well I didn't feel lost or confused at all and the sex was described well. I will agree with the above poster that a longer build up would have made it hotter. It's kind of the difference between "erotica" and "Porn"
Porn is "Oh I like him I'll fuck him we are now fucking"
Erotica is more like "Oh i want her, oh she is so beautiful, she's speaking to me does she want me? Will I look like a fool if I try? No wait she is flirting with me...
Know what I mean? other it was great first story please keep going.

 

[blackstallion21]

Very good.

I would have to give you an 8 out of 10! I liked your story and actually can almost imagine myself sitting in the corner of their room watching as the whole thing played out, slowly stroking my manhood while I watched them!

 

[TheLioness]

Thank you guys so much for feedback! I completely agree with you about the rush of it. I think this was one of those times when it was just I had to get the story idea down before I forgot I'll keep it in mind for my next submission.