Looking for feedback on Lesbian scene.

[lovecraft68]

Hi, I have a couple of ideas for Lesbian stories that I would like to start working on next month. Problem is to date i have only written one lesbian scene and it's not a full story just a flashback done in an incest story where the sister is Bi and she was recalling the first time she met her last girlfriend.

I have read a few lesbian stories but I don;t seem to be picking up much from them. What I'm looking for is someone to read the lesbian flashback in the story and let me know what they think. I am enclosing the link to the story which is entitledSiblings with Benefits chapter 8.
The flashback starts on the first page with the line "I met at a showing at the black flame. You don;t have to really know anything about the seires to read this part. Also keep in mind it is an incest story so if you end up reading past the Megan/Laura you will find yourself going into a brother sister sex scene (albeit a romantic one) so be warned if incest offends you,

Like I said only looking for comments about the "Laura" scene. the interaction, thoughts and of course the sex. any comments good/bad would be appreciated

http://www.literotica.com/s/siblings-with-benefits-ch-08

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Firstly, though not exactly the question you ask, I think the Laura scene is a diversion, not a flashback, and is out of place here. Your story arc is Megan and Mark and you ratchet up the tension first with the phone call and then with her plans to seduce the brother with wild sex. And then – and then... You put the whole story on hold for 4,000 words for a rushed historic lesbian scene and when you get back to Megan/Mark you rush the ending and don’t live up to the torrid sex promise.

If you’d wanted to introduce Laura, it would have worked fine just to have Megan shed a tear at the voicemail and think fleetingly/elliptically of the passionate romance. Later, on her own, (in a new chapter?) she could have remembered the affair in graphic detail.

The late and sorely missed Colleen Thomas wrote a great How To for men writing lesbian stories and her fiction is well worth a read. As is Vella_ms, Lucky-E-leven (I think) and other female writers in the toplist. As guys go, Paco Fear writes as good lesbian fiction as any male here, IMO. Although his chromosome imbalance shows from time to time, his sig line of ‘write like a man, then add emotion and boobies’ is not what he does and is poor advice.

Your scene is far too quick for a random encounter. Sure, with the lesbian and dyke clubs there are the quick pick-ups and one-night-stands – as with hetero and gay sex. You are going for lipstick lesbians – not the butches, femmes and bois. It doesn’t ring true for casual relationships, which take time.

Physical attraction is very important but the idea of checking out tits and bums is a male thing related to spreading seed and, please, don’t get hooked (pardon the pun) on bras. We wear them by necessity and wear sexy ones mainly for self-pride.

I think you make the mistake that girl-on-girl eroticism is 100% related to orgasm. It’s not. Vella once wrote here, ‘sometimes a cuddle is enough’. Tactile, flesh to flesh under the comforter.

Rather than just concentrate on bodily parts, think back to the delirious excitement when you met a girl in 12th grade and started jumping over fences on the way home from the first date. Lesbian fiction needs physical but balanced by tons of emotion.

Sorry, just my 2 cents, but I hope it helps.

BTW you really need a proof reader to pick up spelling/grammar and a few other points. If you want anything more, PM me.

Elle

 

[lovecraft68]

Firstly, though not exactly the question you ask, I think the Laura scene is a diversion, not a flashback, and is out of place here. Your story arc is Megan and Mark and you ratchet up the tension first with the phone call and then with her plans to seduce the brother with wild sex. And then – and then... You put the whole story on hold for 4,000 words for a rushed historic lesbian scene and when you get back to Megan/Mark you rush the ending and don’t live up to the torrid sex promise.

If you’d wanted to introduce Laura, it would have worked fine just to have Megan shed a tear at the voicemail and think fleetingly/elliptically of the passionate romance. Later, on her own, (in a new chapter?) she could have remembered the affair in graphic detail.

The late and sorely missed Colleen Thomas wrote a great How To for men writing lesbian stories and her fiction is well worth a read. As is Vella_ms, Lucky-E-leven (I think) and other female writers in the toplist. As guys go, Paco Fear writes as good lesbian fiction as any male here, IMO. Although his chromosome imbalance shows from time to time, his sig line of ‘write like a man, then add emotion and boobies’ is not what he does and is poor advice.

Your scene is far too quick for a random encounter. Sure, with the lesbian and dyke clubs there are the quick pick-ups and one-night-stands – as with hetero and gay sex. You are going for lipstick lesbians – not the butches, femmes and bois. It doesn’t ring true for casual relationships, which take time.

Physical attraction is very important but the idea of checking out tits and bums is a male thing related to spreading seed and, please, don’t get hooked (pardon the pun) on bras. We wear them by necessity and wear sexy ones mainly for self-pride.

I think you make the mistake that girl-on-girl eroticism is 100% related to orgasm. It’s not. Vella once wrote here, ‘sometimes a cuddle is enough’. Tactile, flesh to flesh under the comforter.

Rather than just concentrate on bodily parts, think back to the delirious excitement when you met a girl in 12th grade and started jumping over fences on the way home from the first date. Lesbian fiction needs physical but balanced by tons of emotion.

Sorry, just my 2 cents, but I hope it helps.

BTW you really need a proof reader to pick up spelling/grammar and a few other points. If you want anything more, PM me.

Elle

Hi thank you for your 2 cents it was much appreciated. I had a feeling I was having them act more like "men" sexually which is why I was asking. On another note I have an editor now who is going through my chapters and one by one I wll be posting edit versions.
One thing in my defense is that the "wild sex" was not the climax. If you know the series Megan and Mark are always 100% hardcore and into S&M she was anticipating more rough sex. the climax of that chapter was him taking her softly and professing his love for her.
As for your other comments all are duly noted and I will try to learn from them. Thank you for you time and critique.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi thank you for your 2 cents it was much appreciated. I had a feeling I was having them act more like "men" sexually which is why I was asking. On another note I have an editor now who is going through my chapters and one by one I wll be posting edit versions.
One thing in my defense is that the "wild sex" was not the climax. If you know the series Megan and Mark are always 100% hardcore and into S&M she was anticipating more rough sex. the climax of that chapter was him taking her softly and professing his love for her.
As for your other comments all are duly noted and I will try to learn from them. Thank you for you time and critique.

Thanks for the kind words, but I'd like to help. Yes, your hetero stuff - incest included - is fine. I reckon you could write lesbian stories to appeal to all of us but you need to get into a different mindset. When your breasts are gently caressing the stiff nipples of your partner's full mammaries, how do you feel?

 

[PacoFear]

As guys go, Paco Fear writes as good lesbian fiction as any male here, IMO. Although his chromosome imbalance shows from time to time, his sig line of ‘write like a man, then add emotion and boobies’ is not what he does and is poor advice.

That's because my sigline is not advice. It's humor.

LC, this may help as you're a steward of the inc/tab category - IMO there are obvious parallels to be found between the lesbian and incest genres. Both include a taboo-based tension to them that a writer can exploit. The seduction (mutual or not) is three quarters of the heat. There are bonus points for creating semi-realistic situations where the girls exchange admissions of their mounting attraction. There's also a bit more room for mush that might otherwise run the risk of sissifying a male lead.

If you're going to do g-g from first person, the huge hump to get over is voice. Give it a shot. The worst thing we can do is make fun of you. And, really, who couldn't use a bit more good-natured teasing?

One of these days, we're going to talk elfin into writing a bit of g-g smut so she can wow us with her mad lezzie skills. You've been talkin' the talk, elfie, it's gettin' time to walk the walk.

G'luck,

-PF

 

[lovecraft68]

That's because my sigline is not advice. It's humor.

LC, this may help as you're a steward of the inc/tab category - IMO there are obvious parallels to be found between the lesbian and incest genres. Both include a taboo-based tension to them that a writer can exploit. The seduction (mutual or not) is three quarters of the heat. There are bonus points for creating semi-realistic situations where the girls exchange admissions of their mounting attraction. There's also a bit more room for mush that might otherwise run the risk of sissifying a male lead.

If you're going to do g-g from first person, the huge hump to get over is voice. Give it a shot. The worst thing we can do is make fun of you. And, really, who couldn't use a bit more good-natured teasing?

One of these days, we're going to talk elfin into writing a bit of g-g smut so she can wow us with her mad lezzie skills. You've been talkin' the talk, elfie, it's gettin' time to walk the walk.

G'luck,

-PF

Hey thanks for weighing in! Ironic as you were the one that helped me with some things in my first lit story "Almost Perfect" where you told me above all things to avoid bra sizes. and to skip using the word "almost" I think of you everytime I catch myself doing it. Truth be told I am not quite sure what you mean by this comment:

If you're going to do g-g from first person, the huge hump to get over is voice.


Voice? As in make them more vocal? If I'm being dense just let me know.

 

[sr71plt]

Voice? As in make them more vocal? If I'm being dense just let me know.

In this case it's the perspective of the narrator, the one telling the story. The ones most used are first person ("I": the story being told by and from the limited perspective of one of the characters in the action) and third person ("he/she/they": the story told by an observer or, at most, an at-distant character from outside of the action).

 

[PacoFear]

Voice? As in make them more vocal? If I'm being dense just let me know.

You're being dense. Nearly as thick as me.

By voice, when talking about a first-person narration, I mean the perspective, diction, etc. of your narrator. Can you make your head "sound" like a girl's? Or will your heroines be going on and on about their tits and obsessing over their "pulsing clits"?

Someone a bit shrewder here than me put it in a pretty pithy way for me at one point: by in large, women have sex with people. A lot of guys have sex with body parts.

Hope this helps,

Paco

ETA: drat, beaten to the punch by the pilot. *shaking fist* Damn you and your oversized, dual Pratt & Whitney's.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

By voice, when talking about a first-person narration, I mean the perspective, diction, etc. of your narrator. Can you make your head "sound" like a girl's? Or will your heroines be going on and on about their tits and obsessing over their "pulsing clits"?

By and large, women have sex with people. A lot of guys have sex with body parts.

Paco

Exactly.

PF, if you were offended by my use of your sigline to make a point, I apologize. I know your sig is self-deprecating humor and I just used it (after praising you to the heavens) to succinctly show the elephant trap a lot of male writers of lesbian fiction make - they often forget the emotion. That's what you just said.

Perhaps I'm getting all feminist but I find the gay male fiction on Lit much better than the majority of lesbian stories.

In answer to your 'throwing down the gauntlet', I accept. I have three or four nearly finished g-g stories that I lost interest in when the genre seemed to become a male fantasy zone. My other half claims I take too long to get 'down and dirty' and I've struggled to edit.

Must be my job where turning round others' work into glossy Powerpoint/Excel slides helps me give advice and take the fee. I promise to put money with mouth and post my first g-g story. Give me 'til March as the next few weeks are pretty busy.

Lovecraft, PF's comment about 'making love to people' sums up the issue.

 

[janeyruth]

Isn't this instructive? A man trying to write a lesbian scene being critiqued by three other men, none of whom has a clue. It's like the bland leading the bland...or something like that.

I'm reminded of that scene in the Virgin Suicides where these two gay men are trying to give Trip Fontaine pointers on how to pick up women. Hilarious...

 

[sr71plt]

Elfin's a male? Who knew.

Apparently, though, Janey, by trying to help they were more help than you were (and have yet to be, as a matter of fact).

 

[PacoFear]

Isn't this instructive? A man trying to write a lesbian scene being critiqued by three other men, none of whom has a clue. It's like the bland leading the bland...or something like that.

I'm reminded of that scene in the Virgin Suicides where these two gay men are trying to give Trip Fontaine pointers on how to pick up women. Hilarious...

Um, in the valley of the blind, the one-eyed, myopic guy with cataracts is king?

Is there an author here on Lit whose g-g stories you liked, janey? If you have wisdom to share, I'm willing to listen.

If cheap shots from the cheap seats are all you're offering, you're not really doing the lez cause any good are you?

-Paco

It seems everywhere men go, they have this uncontrollable urge to take over.

 

[sr71plt]

Hmmm, Janey, I rushed to the story file to find your wonderful lesbian stories--and, surprise, surprise, found nothing.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Janey, I commented as requested by the author, PF pulled me up for misusing his sig and sr succinctly explained a grammatical point that the author had queried. Where's you coming from?

Lovecraft asked for critique on his lesbian scene. I gave it, PF modified it and sr filled in some slightly arcane editorial points. PF and sr have a great track record as popular authors here and have a history on Lit of helping/editing authors.

If you want to start an argument that only female writers should be allowed to write g-g fiction, Good Luck. I won't support you.

Do a month here replying to excited souls who want some serious comment on their early posts, try to give positive support and then come back and support your vitriol.

BTW, now I've bought the Tampax, should I stick it up my nose?

 

[lauren26f]

Hi, I have a couple of ideas for Lesbian stories that I would like to start working on next month. Problem is to date i have only written one lesbian scene and it's not a full story just a flashback done in an incest story where the sister is Bi and she was recalling the first time she met her last girlfriend.

I have read a few lesbian stories but I don;t seem to be picking up much from them. What I'm looking for is someone to read the lesbian flashback in the story and let me know what they think. I am enclosing the link to the story which is entitledSiblings with Benefits chapter 8.
The flashback starts on the first page with the line "I met at a showing at the black flame. You don;t have to really know anything about the seires to read this part. Also keep in mind it is an incest story so if you end up reading past the Megan/Laura you will find yourself going into a brother sister sex scene (albeit a romantic one) so be warned if incest offends you,

Like I said only looking for comments about the "Laura" scene. the interaction, thoughts and of course the sex. any comments good/bad would be appreciated

http://www.literotica.com/s/siblings-with-benefits-ch-08

Best thing to do is put flashbacks first. Explain the why. Build tension. Subtle things like glances make a bigger statement. Seduction works. "I was looking for some hot sex and I met..." Write what would happen in real life. How would you seduce them and why. Show don't tell.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Best thing to do is put flashbacks first. Explain the why. Build tension. Subtle things like glances make a bigger statement. Seduction works. "I was looking for some hot sex and I met..." Write what would happen in real life. How would you seduce them and why. Show don't tell.

Complete nonsense. She finds a message and reflects on past events. For me the flashback is too prolonged, wherever it is placed. She does a fair take on 'show don't tell' and Your comment on flashbacks suggests you haven't read the story. I think it was written well, albeit from a male POV.

 

[lovecraft68]

Complete nonsense. She finds a message and reflects on past events. For me the flashback is too prolonged, wherever it is placed. She does a fair take on 'show don't tell' and Your comment on flashbacks suggests you haven't read the story. I think it was written well, albeit from a male POV.

Thank you for the compliment as for it being well written. I will take that for now. As far as my possible ideas that I am going to try to work on next month would it be terribly imposing to send you the rough drafts when they are done to get your take?

 

[lauren26f]

Complete nonsense. She finds a message and reflects on past events. For me the flashback is too prolonged, wherever it is placed. She does a fair take on 'show don't tell' and Your comment on flashbacks suggests you haven't read the story. I think it was written well, albeit from a male POV.

"...male POV" says it all.