Critics are welcome!

[rufun2001]

Here is my story: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=197607

Thanks in advance for your comments, criticism and suggestions. I am eager to hear what other Literotica writers have to say about my work. All I ask is that you don't play rough with my balls as I am sensitive down there. Otherwise, I stand before you naked and blushing at each of your palpations in embarrassment.

 

[rufun2001]

Oh my!

 

[sr71plt]

I don't think your situation setups were believable enough. I clicked out two-thirds of the way into it.

 

[2981notrohrm]

The story was good, but I would put in more detail of the sex scenes - it's an erotic story; don't skimp on the best parts.

 

[rufun2001]

A sincere thank you for your feedback. It is flattering to receive commentary from such a prolific author. I took your comment to heart and wrestled with why you "clicked off" 2/3 of the way through the story.

As writers in the Literotica.com forum, we serve two mistresses. First, the lofty literary mistress who brightly inspires our purest innocent hopes and lofty ambitions to the heights of a Pulitzer or the Nobel Prize For Literature. And second, that dark mistress who stokes searing coals of sexual desire and the lurid visions of impure thought that belies occult lust within human soul.

So what gives here?

I checked out some of your stories and "clicked off" after a paragraph or two. There was no bait! I think your writing would be good for some church-going spinsters who are looking for a prurient thrill but don't want to upset the apple cart. You know what I mean?

You need to dive in and start taking casualties. Never mind the collateral damage! As an SR71 pilot I'm sure you are a baby killer extraordinaire. Let's hear some critique! You buzz around polluting the upper atmosphere, but what do you have to add that is constructive?

Please, don't take this as an invitation to flame wars. If I met you in person I would offer to buy you a beer and pick your brains. But seriously, what is truly bad about the story - beside the fact it's not your preferred type of smut?

 

[rufun2001]

Thanks...That sounds intelligent...I'm toying with the idea of a "Helga Goes Black II" - the new improved version; possibly a first for this site; or are there any rewritten stories out there? Hmmmm...

 

[sr71plt]

A sincere thank you for your feedback. It is flattering to receive commentary from such a prolific author. I took your comment to heart and wrestled with why you "clicked off" 2/3 of the way through the story.

As writers in the Literotica.com forum, we serve two mistresses. First, the lofty literary mistress who brightly inspires our purest innocent hopes and lofty ambitions to the heights of a Pulitzer or the Nobel Prize For Literature. And second, that dark mistress who stokes searing coals of sexual desire and the lurid visions of impure thought that belies occult lust within human soul.

So what gives here?

I checked out some of your stories and "clicked off" after a paragraph or two. There was no bait! I think your writing would be good for some church-going spinsters who are looking for a prurient thrill but don't want to upset the apple cart. You know what I mean?

You need to dive in and start taking casualties. Never mind the collateral damage! As an SR71 pilot I'm sure you are a baby killer extraordinaire. Let's hear some critique! You buzz around polluting the upper atmosphere, but what do you have to add that is constructive?

Please, don't take this as an invitation to flame wars. If I met you in person I would offer to buy you a beer and pick your brains. But seriously, what is truly bad about the story - beside the fact it's not your preferred type of smut?

Ah, I see, all you wanted was praise. Well, sorry, the story was sophomoric and a dime and thousand here. And if this was not an intent to invite a flame war, I'd hate to see what it looked like when you intended that.

I told you what I found off-putting about it. The setups were not believable. After a character data dump, you rushed too quickly into setups without making them natural. (Although your progression into the a sex scene once you'd gotten started was fine enough.) The "be my photo model" came too much out of the blue. It would have worked better for him to have taken photos of her before and worked on her to be his model from something to show her that would entice her.

Then, she picked her own clothes for the first photo shoot. That's not believable. If he had a setting and an idea for a photo shoot he would also have told her what to wear for it.

After that it just jumbled down to one of thousands of mundane stories here, so I got bored and left.

It was obvious that you didn't care about the storyline at all. You wanted to rush to the sex scene. I didn't stay around for that, because I could tell that you are a cookie cutter writer.

I'll take your ragging on my stories as petulant anger that I didn't hand you a Pulitzer.

Don't ask for critique if you are going to be this thin skinned.

 

[rufun2001]

Thx again...

Ah, I see, all you wanted was praise. Well, sorry, the story was sophomoric and a dime and thousand here. And if this was not an intent to invite a flame war, I'd hate to see what it looked like when you intended that.

I told you what I found off-putting about it. The setups were not believable. After a character data dump, you rushed too quickly into setups without making them natural. (Although your progression into the a sex scene once you'd gotten started was fine enough.) The "be my photo model" came too much out of the blue. It would have worked better for him to have taken photos of her before and worked on her to be his model from something to show her that would entice her.

Then, she picked her own clothes for the first photo shoot. That's not believable. If he had a setting and an idea for a photo shoot he would also have told her what to wear for it.

After that it just jumbled down to one of thousands of mundane stories here, so I got bored and left.

It was obvious that you didn't care about the storyline at all. You wanted to rush to the sex scene. I didn't stay around for that, because I could tell that you are a cookie cutter writer.

I'll take your ragging on my stories as petulant anger that I didn't hand you a Pulitzer.

Don't ask for critique if you are going to be this thin skinned.

Thx Habu

I do respect and appreciate your opinion...

It is true; the story is sophmoric. But, I honestly do not think praise to be my objective...Rather, illuminating comments such as yours provide value that is, for lack of a more definitive term, priceless...

You commented: "The 'be my photo model' came too much out of the blue. It would have worked better for him to have taken photos of her before and worked on her to be his model from something to show her that would entice her."

I had to labor over this for a long while to resolve this matter in my own mind.

Having participated in numerous clothing optional photo "shoots" involving one on one encounters with females, I have found my efforts in this area quickly rewarded for spontaneous, no-strings-attached, innocent, free flowing gestalt by gestalt, undressing of the model; which, of course, is an entertainment of itself...

However, I think you may be correct from a literary standpoint that I could have exploited a more lurid slow seduction, peering hot and sweaty into a probing, provocative, prurient lens. Perhaps, it was in reality only a fluke that my real life experiences with nude/erotic modeling happened upon the flimsiest of circumstances. However, reality is reality is reality and in the literary world we play by a different set of rules; I will take your recommendtions under advisement.

You stated: "It was obvious that you didn't care about the storyline at all. You wanted to rush to the sex scene. I didn't stay around for that, because I could tell that you are a cookie cutter writer." To this all I can say is "GUITLY AS CHARGED". In all honesty, all erotic literature ever meant to me is: get my attention, rub a rub a rub uhh. You know?

In fact, I find reading page after page of erotic trash tedious at best. Give me a 1000 words or less of well constructed, scum sucking prose and my socks will be soaking wet; leaping imaginations!...

In conclusion, it seems to me that our differences are in time frame. I like a quick lurid squirt while you prefer an intelligent, literary, contemplated, complex seduction.

I opologize for any previous remarks you might find offensive. Your cool and calm deportment in the face of unsavory Internetfair is testament to your true strength and character.

In retrospect, FYI and FWIW (for what it's worth), I think what set me off was your swooping down with all your literary credentials and all. I realize this is America and use gotta sell sell sell; but, where I come from you could be the Grand Inquisitor of Jerkministan and who gives a falafel?; Cahpish?

Thanks again for your input; you are truly the mensch!

Live Long And Prosper!

 

[sr71plt]

Thanks. As with anyone, just take what you find useful and write as you wish.

 

[1sickbastard]

The characters were two dimensional. There was zero emotional connection. Lots of stereotyping.
I agree with sr71plt about the set-ups and the rush to sex.
It could have been a printed version of a John Peirson comic, or it could be a screenplay for a porn flick-released straight to the web site.

But if your readers liked it & you liked it, then keep at it.

 

[PennLady]

Here is my story: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=197607

Thanks in advance for your comments, criticism and suggestions. I am eager to hear what other Literotica writers have to say about my work. All I ask is that you don't play rough with my balls as I am sensitive down there. Otherwise, I stand before you naked and blushing at each of your palpations in embarrassment.

I just read your story. I realize I'm a female, and react differently, and etc., etc, but okay -- feedback.

Okay, first off, it's stroke story; that's not a bad thing in and of itself. There are plenty of decently-written stroke stories on this site. As others have noted, your characters are pretty cardboard, and the plot is thin, to say the least. However, as you yourself said, you don't care about that, you just want to get to the sex.

For all that, the sex scenes are pretty uninspired. You could have had something neat going between Helga and the photographer (Eric?), and older woman/younger man thing, but that got dropped.

As sr71 said, if he's at all serious about the photography, he would have told her what to wear for the first scene. Helga goes from being a 45yo widow to just...doing whatever he tells her? There's no background there.

And what was with using "Negro" and capitalizing "Black" all the time to describe the men? was this set way back in the 60s? (If it was, sorry, I missed it.)

So...I don't know. Not much else to say. There's nothing to set this story apart.

 

[sr71plt]

Think I need to note that the OP doesn't say this is meant to be just a stroke story. There was no reason, therefore, to approach comments from just a stroke vignette perspective. No limit was put on the critiquing.

On the "black" capitalization issue, whether or not to capitalize has gone back and forth for decades and different publishers have different styles for this. The current main authoritative ruling for works in the humanities (which would included erotica) in the U.S. market is not to capitalize. (Chicago Manual of Style 16, 8.39).

 

[PennLady]

Think I need to note that the OP doesn't say this is meant to be just a stroke story. There was no reason, therefore, to approach comments from just a stroke vignette perspective. No limit was put on the critiquing.

On the "black" capitalization issue, whether or not to capitalize has gone back and forth for decades and different publishers have different styles for this. The current main authoritative ruling for works in the humanities (which would included erotica) in the U.S. market is not to capitalize. (Chicago Manual of Style 16, 8.39).

If there are no limits on the critiquing, then my choosing to critique it from a certain perspective is as valid as anything else. Not to mention that in a a previous post, the author says that, erotic literature to him is pretty much for getting off as quickly as possible. Critiquing also involves an opinion, and mine is: this was a stroke story, and not a very good one.

The Black capitalization was something I hadn't encountered before and seemed random. Negro sounded old-fashioned and didn't with the rest of the language, to me.

 

[sr71plt]

If there are no limits on the critiquing, then my choosing to critique it from a certain perspective is as valid as anything else. Not to mention that in a a previous post, the author says that, erotic literature to him is pretty much for getting off as quickly as possible. Critiquing also involves an opinion, and mine is: this was a stroke story, and not a very good one.

Right. It's just that I took gas for critiquing it as something more than stroke (and you mentioned he identified it as stroke) when he didn't note it was stroke only in the OP. He opened it up for all critique. His saying he just meant it as stroke came later. I'm not omniscient (although I expect Elfin to show up any moment to backbite).

I gave him what he asked for in the OP.

 

[vqfarrold]

It's a light-hearted romp - brash, vulgar, bawdy, tinged with racism, doesn't take itself too seriously, says what it wants to say and doesn't go on a minute more than it needs to. I liked it. The only question I have is why you are seeking feedback now when you put it up on Lit more than 5 years ago. Stirring is my guess, in which case you have succeeded admirably.

 

[PennLady]

It's a light-hearted romp - brash, vulgar, bawdy, tinged with racism, doesn't take itself too seriously, says what it wants to say and doesn't go on a minute more than it needs to. I liked it. The only question I have is why you are seeking feedback now when you put it up on Lit more than 5 years ago. Stirring is my guess, in which case you have succeeded admirably.

Guess he got me on that one. I rarely pay attention to the dates on stories.