Interludes

[arielsgoddess]

Name of the thread is based on the first poem I'm trying to get back into writing erotica-poetry, and nothing better than the spiced and perfumed interludes which were so fleeting that they remain magnified and perfect.
So everyone that wants to, tie one on here This is my first one:


Interlude

The candle flared to life between us
His fingers unfurled above it warming
Created a brief lantern then moved
To uneclipse the beauty of his face

Strangely I did not care if I said it out loud
In the pure glow of the flame with this man
It would make no difference to what he heard
Not that I could silence my narrative thoughts
So at that moment he flashed a knowing smile
Confirming this and making me quiver inside

Picturing the magnetic threads I already felt
I imagined I could taste them as well
Pulled one inside my teeth with my tongue
Which drew a surprised breath from him
Arching his chest and eliciting an explanation
Of the candle’s necessity for him to see my face
Held still for once instead of glimpsed in passing
To see my eyes was worth any effort he said
Answered a need and now to see them alone…

Eyes blinked more slowly able to stare longer
Heads inclined closer though we stood still
Drifted like candlelit lilies on a darkened pond
While their stalks wavered below in shadow

His eyes holding me were perfect liquid night
Gently laughing he softly said the same of mine
Our tongues continuing to map our moving lips
Conspired so words began to lose their meaning
While our speaking was becoming something else

 

[twelveoone]

Name of the thread is based on the first poem I'm trying to get back into writing erotica-poetry, and nothing better than the spiced and perfumed interludes which were so fleeting that they remain magnified and perfect.
So everyone that wants to, tie one on here This is my first one:


Interlude

The candle flared to life between us
His fingers unfurled above it warming
Created a brief lantern then moved
To uneclipse the beauty of his face

Strangely I did not care if I said it out loud
In the pure glow of the flame with this man
It would make no difference to what he heard
Not that I could silence my narrative thoughts
So at that moment he flashed a knowing smile
Confirming this and making me quiver inside

Picturing the magnetic threads I already felt
I imagined I could taste them as well
Pulled one inside my teeth with my tongue
Which drew a surprised breath from him
Arching his chest and eliciting an explanation
Of the candle’s necessity for him to see my face
Held still for once instead of glimpsed in passing
To see my eyes was worth any effort he said
Answered a need and now to see them alone…

Eyes blinked more slowly able to stare longer
Heads inclined closer though we stood still
Drifted like candlelit lilies on a darkened pond
While their stalks wavered below in shadow

His eyes holding me were perfect liquid night
Gently laughing he softly said the same of mine
Our tongues continuing to map our moving lips
Conspired so words began to lose their meaning
While our speaking was becoming something else

Drifted like candlelit lilies on a darkened pond
(there are others)

this looks like a good line, is there reason why pond and not lake?

and at first read, it looks like you are trying to include everything; half of poetry is suggestive, unsaid, the other half is extreme focus

MAYBE it was the candlelight....some of it suggests this: (which is not bad to be suggestive of)

your recommended reading for the night

http://www.cddc.vt.edu/bps/gateway/passages/baudelaire.htm

the same poem 23 different ways

 

[arielsgoddess]

Hello

This was a real-life incident, the meeting a secret, spontaneous meeting in a driving lane, and the candle was produced from his pocket and set on the back of his motorcycle, a Ducati no less~

"Lake" implies a public expanse, and "pond" is more intimate, a pond for two even more so...

I did the best that I could to transcribe a real-life scene, and you could be correct and the alternating focus may be poor literary technique, but it actually pleases me that you picked up that feeling from it. As in, that means that I conveyed the atmosphere and our feelings correctly, as we both had reasons to be unsure of the situation, whether we wanted to be opponents or lovers, whether or not I was going to leave with him on that motorcycle, etc.

This man and I have an unusual magnetism, and an almost psychic connection, to where every conversation we are not sure how much we have said out loud, and how much the other heard anyway

Thank you for your feedback, as well as your link. The same poem so many ways is quite interesting. I co-wrote a pantoum here that made illustration of that potential, called Security. If you would like, I will find it. Otherwise, I may have to try the challenge you have presented sometime

 

[twelveoone]

This was a real-life incident, the meeting a secret, spontaneous meeting in a driving lane, and the candle was produced from his pocket and set on the back of his motorcycle, a Ducati no less~

"Lake" implies a public expanse, and "pond" is more intimate, a pond for two even more so...

I did the best that I could to transcribe a real-life scene, and you could be correct and the alternating focus may be poor literary technique, but it actually pleases me that you picked up that feeling from it. As in, that means that I conveyed the atmosphere and our feelings correctly, as we both had reasons to be unsure of the situation, whether we wanted to be opponents or lovers, whether or not I was going to leave with him on that motorcycle, etc.

This man and I have an unusual magnetism, and an almost psychic connection, to where every conversation we are not sure how much we have said out loud, and how much the other heard anyway

Thank you for your feedback, as well as your link. The same poem so many ways is quite interesting. I co-wrote a pantoum here that made illustration of that potential, called Security. If you would like, I will find it. Otherwise, I may have to try the challenge you have presented sometime

Good enough reason, lake was mentioned because of the alliteration. The writer's reason is always the best, as long as there is a reason.


This feeling of not knowing if something was said outloud, but somehow otherwise said, hard to believe, I've had. If you can do that in words, that would be magical. Pantoum's are always interesting, the lend themselves very well to obsession. Because of the repeats, they even work on Americans, who otherwise have the attention span of a gnat. (do you see how 'haiku's are strewn about here) I'm sorry, where was I going with this? What I'm saying is it might be a better tactic to either have just enough 'scenery' to support the mood, OR have the 'scenery' create the mood.