The Isolated Blurt BDSM Thread

[chy_girl]

That's totally not stupid at all.

Daily tasks = extention of control = happy, safe place.

Yes, but how does one explain that it's a matter of moving the fences in rather than an attention whore issue. Because it really isn't a "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!!" thing.

It is, however, very much a "Where'd they go?!?! *panic* I can't see my People! *hyperventilate* Fuck!!! *PANIC* Where's the fence?!?!? *sobs* I lost my People! *meltdown* But they were just right there and now they're gone!!! *emotional Chernobyl*" process.

Which, I might add, leaves me feeling a lot like an extremely insecure four year old with separation anxiety issues. And that's kind of dumb for me to be like that at my age.

 

[eastern sun]

Yes, but how does one explain that it's a matter of moving the fences in rather than an attention whore issue. Because it really isn't a "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!!" thing.

It is, however, very much a "Where'd they go?!?! *panic* I can't see my People! *hyperventilate* Fuck!!! *PANIC* Where's the fence?!?!? *sobs* I lost my People! *meltdown* But they were just right there and now they're gone!!! *emotional Chernobyl*" process.

Which, I might add, leaves me feeling a lot like an extremely insecure four year old with separation anxiety issues. And that's kind of dumb for me to be like that at my age.

Forgive me for commenting here, we don't know each other that well. But I understand how you feel, chy. I've also found that going deeper into the sub-headspace allowed me to let go of some of that crazy-making attachment. Sinking into a place of contentment with whatever your partners offer, even if it is their absence, is remarkably liberating.

Since you have the daily tasks (which do give comfort, I agree), practice doing the task and then letting go of the requirement that they respond in a certain way. Let them be whatever it is they are. Allow yourself to trust that they will be there without you having to demand it of them. And then just take the next step in meeting them where they stand.

It might be easier for me to do this with my PYL because I live with him, but he is out frequently, and spends a lot of time in the company of other women. It can, and has, made me insanely jealous and triggered all sorts of abandonment feelings. Ironically, when I let go of the need for him to behave in a certain way towards me, and simply do what I'm being asked to do, he is much more present and responsive to my needs. And he wants to spend time with me for his own pleasure, not out of a sense of duty or obligation.

If this is irrelevant to your situation, just ignore me. Though it required me to accept my PYL for who and what he is (which isn't always what I want him to be), I also found that practicing that kind of deep submission was an intense relief from those desperate feelings. It also allows you to see very clearly who your partners are, and how they are likely to behave over the long-term.

 

[chy_girl]

Forgive me for commenting here, we don't know each other that well. But I understand how you feel, chy. I've also found that going deeper into the sub-headspace allowed me to let go of some of that crazy-making attachment. Sinking into a place of contentment with whatever your partners offer, even if it is their absence, is remarkably liberating.
*snip*

The daily tasks are... recently reinstated. And with any task that they give, I do end up giving myself over to it. Of letting it crate that blissful submissive mind space. It also creates a sort of connection with them and allows them a legitimate place (for lack of a better term) in the my part of my life.

I think the hardest part is that, while I don't need to be involved in every part of their lives - I don't want to be involved in every part of their lives, I can't help but carry them with me into every part of mine. And god knows I've tried not to.

We've agreed that the position of slave (as understood by the three of us) isn't an option. They don't want that level of responsibility and I don't identify as a slave for a couple of very pertinent reasons. But my submission to them isn't something I can set to the side, either. It is always there, always waiting for the next opportunity to serve them even if it's from afar. It *needs* that focus - partly because of the panic when I suddenly feel like I've lost track of them and partly because I'm just not the type of girl that anyone wants sitting around with too much time on her hands.

I love my people with all my heart. And I trust them more than anyone else on the planet. But this is a whole new level of trust for me - the letting them past yet another layer of me and the being ok with them being out of emotional sight. I'm learning to trust that they will come back, but it's incredibly slow and for that to happen my field needs to be much, much smaller.

It's definitely a learning process. From both sides. I just hate feeling like a child in all of this, which is where I'm at most of the time now days. And I have to remember that it isn't even just the D/s component that I'm learning - it's the relationship component and sexual component, too.

Add to that all the other personal growth crap and they both deserve a metal for putting up with my pain in the ass self.

And thank you for your words es. It always makes it a little easier when I know I'm not the first one tromp down a particular path or trip over a specific pothole. And knowing that others have made it past a rough patch provides a welcome bit of hope that there is an end and it's not horrible.

 

[the captians wench]

Update:

It's out!

 

[chy_girl]

Update:

It's out!

WOOHOOO!!!!

So how'd you finally manage to get it moving?

 

[gypsy*seer]

Yes, but how does one explain that it's a matter of moving the fences in rather than an attention whore issue. Because it really isn't a "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!!" thing.

It is, however, very much a "Where'd they go?!?! *panic* I can't see my People! *hyperventilate* Fuck!!! *PANIC* Where's the fence?!?!? *sobs* I lost my People! *meltdown* But they were just right there and now they're gone!!! *emotional Chernobyl*" process.

Which, I might add, leaves me feeling a lot like an extremely insecure four year old with separation anxiety issues. And that's kind of dumb for me to be like that at my age.

You are not dumb, you are not stupid, chy.....you are feeling your emotions intensely. When anyone shakes the very foundations that make us who we are, it is very humbling.

One breath at a time, my dear!

 

[gypsy*seer]

Update:

It's out!

Ooo...Oooo!
What did I miss??

 

[BiBunny]

You are not dumb, you are not stupid, chy.....you are feeling your emotions intensely. When anyone shakes the very foundations that make us who we are, it is very humbling.

One breath at a time, my dear!

Exactly.

Chy, there's absolutely nothing wrong being a passionate person. The ones who matter won't mind, and the ones who mind don't matter and all that.

 

[chy_girl]

You are not dumb, you are not stupid, chy.....you are feeling your emotions intensely. When anyone shakes the very foundations that make us who we are, it is very humbling.

One breath at a time, my dear!

That's what my Mistress keeps telling me.

Just wish the moments I'm staying in weren't quite so emotional.

 

[chy_girl]

Exactly.

Chy, there's absolutely nothing wrong being a passionate person. The ones who matter won't mind, and the ones who mind don't matter and all that.

That made me laugh. Something about that country girl logic, I'm sure.

And you're right. Both of you.

 

[the captians wench]

WOOHOOO!!!!

So how'd you finally manage to get it moving?

Halfway thru my shift at work I went to pee and felt it shift. I was able to push it out then, and managed to clean it up and sneak it into my bag with out anyone noticing.

Jingled a lot when I was running for drive thru. I thought for sure some one would hear.

 

[the captians wench]

Ooo...Oooo!
What did I miss??

So I took the tail out and decided to finish the day's chores with benwas in. . . and now one won't come out.

I always have this problem. I even used the heavier ones this size, but unless they are the really heavy ones my cunt just doesn't like to let them go.

going for a hot bubble bath and try pushing it out again. *sigh*

just this

 

[rida]

Forgive me for commenting here, we don't know each other that well. But I understand how you feel, chy. I've also found that going deeper into the sub-headspace allowed me to let go of some of that crazy-making attachment. Sinking into a place of contentment with whatever your partners offer, even if it is their absence, is remarkably liberating.

Since you have the daily tasks (which do give comfort, I agree), practice doing the task and then letting go of the requirement that they respond in a certain way. Let them be whatever it is they are. Allow yourself to trust that they will be there without you having to demand it of them. And then just take the next step in meeting them where they stand.

It might be easier for me to do this with my PYL because I live with him, but he is out frequently, and spends a lot of time in the company of other women. It can, and has, made me insanely jealous and triggered all sorts of abandonment feelings. Ironically, when I let go of the need for him to behave in a certain way towards me, and simply do what I'm being asked to do, he is much more present and responsive to my needs. And he wants to spend time with me for his own pleasure, not out of a sense of duty or obligation.

If this is irrelevant to your situation, just ignore me. Though it required me to accept my PYL for who and what he is (which isn't always what I want him to be), I also found that practicing that kind of deep submission was an intense relief from those desperate feelings. It also allows you to see very clearly who your partners are, and how they are likely to behave over the long-term.

I think I need to borrow the above words of wisdom for myself.

 

[rida]

Very nice - with or without the markings.

Thank you

 

[chy_girl]

I think I need to borrow the above words of wisdom for myself.

 

[the captians wench]

Man I need fucked

 

[gypsy*seer]

just this

Oh hell!
LMAO - happened to me once, and I just about lost it (literally, and figuratively)! Then, I had just a slight panic attack for a very short time....

 

[the captians wench]

Oh hell!
LMAO - happened to me once, and I just about lost it (literally, and figuratively)! Then, I had just a slight panic attack for a very short time....

the damn thing about it is it happens to me every time and I still do it and I still panic!

 

[00Syd]

I hate the word "subby." It makes me want to burn things.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

The daily tasks are... recently reinstated. And with any task that they give, I do end up giving myself over to it. Of letting it crate that blissful submissive mind space. It also creates a sort of connection with them and allows them a legitimate place (for lack of a better term) in the my part of my life.

I think the hardest part is that, while I don't need to be involved in every part of their lives - I don't want to be involved in every part of their lives, I can't help but carry them with me into every part of mine. And god knows I've tried not to.

We've agreed that the position of slave (as understood by the three of us) isn't an option. They don't want that level of responsibility and I don't identify as a slave for a couple of very pertinent reasons. But my submission to them isn't something I can set to the side, either. It is always there, always waiting for the next opportunity to serve them even if it's from afar. It *needs* that focus - partly because of the panic when I suddenly feel like I've lost track of them and partly because I'm just not the type of girl that anyone wants sitting around with too much time on her hands.

I love my people with all my heart. And I trust them more than anyone else on the planet. But this is a whole new level of trust for me - the letting them past yet another layer of me and the being ok with them being out of emotional sight. I'm learning to trust that they will come back, but it's incredibly slow and for that to happen my field needs to be much, much smaller.

It's definitely a learning process. From both sides. I just hate feeling like a child in all of this, which is where I'm at most of the time now days. And I have to remember that it isn't even just the D/s component that I'm learning - it's the relationship component and sexual component, too.

Add to that all the other personal growth crap and they both deserve a metal for putting up with my pain in the ass self.

And thank you for your words es. It always makes it a little easier when I know I'm not the first one tromp down a particular path or trip over a specific pothole. And knowing that others have made it past a rough patch provides a welcome bit of hope that there is an end and it's not horrible.

It's crazy how much of this I can relate to.

It's like you crawled into my head and wrote down what was in there. Heh.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I hate the word "subby." It makes me want to burn things.

Ummm... like the person who refers to herself as such?

 

[chy_girl]

It's crazy how much of this I can relate to.

It's like you crawled into my head and wrote down what was in there. Heh.

I'm glad to share the path with you, Lizzie, but I wish we both skip over some of the more difficult parts.

Damn that personal growth thing, anyways.

 

[chy_girl]

I hate the word "subby." It makes me want to burn things.

Ironically, I don't mind subbie. But every time I see subby, my learning disability kicks in and I get this mental image very similar to Wile E. Coyote after the Road Runner drops an anvil on his head...

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I'm glad to share the path with you, Lizzie, but I wish we both skip over some of the more difficult parts.

Damn that personal growth thing, anyways.

Yuh, I can identify with a lot of what you're going through/experiencing/feeling.

Mr is both my second D/s relationship, and 2nd relationship full stop. And given that the first ended up being a very toxic, passive aggressive, co dependent, needy, bordering on emotionally abusive one, well... I don't know what the fuck I'm doing half the time. But I'm really trying.

However, I sometimes have a hard time accepting the fact that Mr has a whole other life that doesn't include me, when he's in basically in all parts of mine. I've tried not carrying it, like you have, but I don't know how to love some one only a bit. Once they show me they're not running for the hills, they get all of me.

It feels very unequal at times, but I know I'm his secondary relationship, I know where I fit in. It's hard sometimes to keep that in check, I want to know everything that's going on with him, but I try and let commonsense rule the day. Most of the time. Sometimes I let the doubts rule, just to keep myself in check, and not get too.. well, obsessed.

A friend said it best once. My life with him compliments his, but doesn't compete with the rest of it.

I just have to remember that.

I love my people with all my heart. And I trust them more than anyone else on the planet. But this is a whole new level of trust for me - the letting them past yet another layer of me and the being ok with them being out of emotional sight. I'm learning to trust that they will come back.

This strikes a chord. I love Mr with everything I have. And he's the same. I recently realised how much. And I trust him to always take care of me. I love and trust him enough to let him inside, but it's scary. Inside got all messed up and broken. I worry that he won't like what's in there. But like you, I'm realising that, he's seen it, and he keeps coming back.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

In other news, WHY do I still lie to my ex to spare his feelings?