How do you "keep it in the bedroom"

[singlasses]

I'm interested in doing dominant and submissive games with my husband. But how do you "keep it in the bedroom"?

Sexual submission or dominance is a wonderful thing, but I can't help worrying that it might leak out into our real life. That wouldn't be a very good set of role models for the kids. And I don't think it would work out so well when it came to bill-paying and all sorts of other normal activities.

I'm interested to hear your ideas from both doms and subs.

Thank you for your time and attention.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Just curious why you think you'd be providing negative role models.

 

[seela]

If it's just sexual role play, I don't see why it would leave the bedroom.

But if you want concrete ideas to help you both snap in the role as well as out of it, I'd suggest some special clothing to be used only during those kinds of events. For example a collar on the submissive party - they're submissive for as long as the collar is on and when it's taken off, it's a clear sign that the play has ended. Or special shoes, you get the idea.

 

[where]

Just curious why you think you'd be providing negative role models.

it's generally accepted that women today have equal rights and that includes the right not to be beaten by their spouse. It's one thing to have some kind of mythical 1950s household scenario going on in private but I would question whether, as an adult, you should subject children to the sight of you taking your missus over your knee and thrashing her, even if she enjoys it.

 

[BiBunny]

it's generally accepted that women today have equal rights and that includes the right not to be beaten by their spouse. It's one thing to have some kind of mythical 1950s household scenario going on in private but I would question whether, as an adult, you should subject children to the sight of you taking your missus over your knee and thrashing her, even if she enjoys it.

D/s equals getting beaten?

 

[ownedsubgal]

D/s equals getting beaten?

yep, and over the knee no less!

 

[where]

I'm interested in doing dominant and submissive games with my husband. But how do you "keep it in the bedroom"?

Sexual submission or dominance is a wonderful thing, but I can't help worrying that it might leak out into our real life. That wouldn't be a very good set of role models for the kids. And I don't think it would work out so well when it came to bill-paying and all sorts of other normal activities.

I'm interested to hear your ideas from both doms and subs.

Thank you for your time and attention.

there is a big difference between being into D/s in the bedroom and living it 24/7.

I do find I tend to 'leak' stuff, especially at work. I explained what the acronym BDSM meant before I'd even realised I'd opened my mouth the other day.

I try really hard to keep it suppressed, but to no avail.

 

[where]

D/s equals getting beaten?

yep, and over the knee no less!

I'm citing Rosco's particular kink back at him.

 

[Stella_Omega]

D/s equals getting beaten?

Bedroom D/s might be exactly that -- and not much more. I remind once again, that "D/s" as it is used in the het tradition is incredibly vague and imprecise, and most newbies have no terminology to express what they actually mean.

 

[CutieMouse]

it's generally accepted that women today have equal rights and that includes the right not to be beaten by their spouse. It's one thing to have some kind of mythical 1950s household scenario going on in private but I would question whether, as an adult, you should subject children to the sight of you taking your missus over your knee and thrashing her, even if she enjoys it.

Why on gods green earth would you presume that being kinky suddenly makes it okay to blatantly shove sexuality in a child's face? I've never heard of anyone involved in a D/s relationship who uses corporal punishment *in front of their children.*

I'd also like to point out in a D/s relationship, one shouldn't assume the missys us the one being thrashed.

I also don't understand why a 24/7 D/s dynamic would be considered "damaging" to children. It isn't as if I remove my brain at the door and become a stepford wife, nor do the 'roles' of either dominant or submissive dictate the dominant's behavior... They don't take away your Dom card for loving to cook dinner, offering to help with the dishes, or giving your lover a foot rub after a hard day.

 

[BeeBeestoy]

Good Luck.

 

[where]

Why on gods green earth would you presume that being kinky suddenly makes it okay to blatantly shove sexuality in a child's face? I've never heard of anyone involved in a D/s relationship who uses corporal punishment *in front of their children.*

I'd also like to point out in a D/s relationship, one shouldn't assume the missys us the one being thrashed.

I also don't understand why a 24/7 D/s dynamic would be considered "damaging" to children. It isn't as if I remove my brain at the door and become a stepford wife, nor do the 'roles' of either dominant or submissive dictate the dominant's behavior... They don't take away your Dom card for loving to cook dinner, offering to help with the dishes, or giving your lover a foot rub after a hard day.

I'm not suggesting being kinky does make it alright ok to shove sexuality in anyone's, let alone a child's face. I must have been unclear in my meaning.

I also wasn't being entirely serious about my take on 1950s households that rosco seems to dig.

 

[rosco rathbone]

it's generally accepted that women today have equal rights and that includes the right not to be beaten by their spouse. It's one thing to have some kind of mythical 1950s household scenario going on in private but I would question whether, as an adult, you should subject children to the sight of you taking your missus over your knee and thrashing her, even if she enjoys it.

The OP didn't say anything about thrashing in front of children. I doubt if they did that even in the mythical 50s household days.

 

[where]

The OP didn't say anything about thrashing in front of children. I doubt if they did that even in the mythical 50s household days.

meh, well I witnessed it in the not so mythical 60s and 70s. I'm pretty sure it was going on in the 50s.

but like I said, wasn't being entirely serious.

 

[rosco rathbone]

meh, well I witnessed it in the not so mythical 60s and 70s. I'm pretty sure it was going on in the 50s.

but like I said, wasn't being entirely serious.

The OP was pretty vague. I think we all agree that people shouldn't be sexing it up in front of the kids, but there are plenty of more subtle ways it could "escape the bedroom". I think of someone like easternsun for example.

I don't know, anyhow, that's why I asked.

 

[Homburg]

They don't take away your Dom card for loving to cook dinner, offering to help with the dishes, or giving your lover a foot rub after a hard day.

Of course they will, so belay that sort of talk...

--

And on more serious notes, 24/7 is how we roll. The kids see little subtle shreds of it, I'm sure, but the sexual aspects are not for their eyes. The power aspects are muted and handled with discretion in any public or semi-public setting, so power is not obvious either.

Personally, the bedroom is not some magical place that stops sounds and allows a secret submissive to magically express themselves. It's just a line in the sand drawn by some people to easily demarck where the bowing and scraping is cool, and where it isn't. You can just as easily draw those lines outside the bedroom, and set expectations. Intelligent adults have been doing it forever with sex in general. Some even do it with religion, politics ("Not in front of the children, dear."), etc.

Part of being an adult is setting your own boundaries. It's probably one of the most important, and oft neglected, skills in your toolbox.

 

[MasterAnimus]

I'm interested in doing dominant and submissive games with my husband. But how do you "keep it in the bedroom"?

Sexual submission or dominance is a wonderful thing, but I can't help worrying that it might leak out into our real life. That wouldn't be a very good set of role models for the kids. And I don't think it would work out so well when it came to bill-paying and all sorts of other normal activities.

I'm interested to hear your ideas from both doms and subs.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Remember - ultimately, sex is all in the mind. People can fulfil their roles and obligations without a single piece of clothing ever coming off, or a word ever said in public. If you stick to this principle, you can carry on dominance/submission anywhere. What you do towards this, might be limited by the laws of the land or basic decency I am not sure why people think the d/s lifestyle requires some elaborate rituals and/or props.

 

[callinectes2]

I don't get why it is harmful for kids to see that Mom or Dad makes most of the family decisions. As long as both are happy and thriving within the dynamic, I think it is a fine model for kids. As for sex, just because a couple is D/s doesn't mean they can't control themselves outside of the bedroom.

 

[catalina_francisco]

It also does not need to be a problem in terms of bill paying etc., as suggested. Contrary to the belief of some in that the Dominant must do everything, it is more accurate to say the Dominant has the power to assign tasks to the submissive to save them having to be bothered with them. In our household, managing the bills and budget are one of those tasks he prefers not to have to deal with, so it is my responsibility to take care of it in a manner which must continue to warrant his trust while relieving him of worrying about something he finds tedious himself.

Catalina

 

[Bandit58]

It also does not need to be a problem in terms of bill paying etc., as suggested. Contrary to the belief of some in that the Dominant must do everything, it is more accurate to say the Dominant has the power to assign tasks to the submissive to save them having to be bothered with them. In our household, managing the bills and budget are one of those tasks he prefers not to have to deal with, so it is my responsibility to take care of it in a manner which must continue to warrant his trust while relieving him of worrying about something he finds tedious himself.

Catalina

Same here. I pay the bills and keep an eye on our finances, I also know His PIN number for his key card and get money out for Him when I go do the shopping

My children are adults now, but they've visited Sir and I a couple of times (we live in different countries, 3 hour flight away). They have seen our dynamic, but really it's just like I am an attentive loving wife rather than someone in a kinky relationship He is served first at meals for example. Admittedly a lot of what I do is because of His poor health, but we were talking about this thread this morning and He said I'd probably be doing much of it anyway because "it is just you".

 

[beebee7088]

i wrote something about this exact topic, in a different thread.

it's difficult when you first start thinking about this as a lifestyle, when you have been married 'conventionally' first, for many years.

now, having said that--in my case--who has always been 'in charge' in the bedroom? me. who is in charge of balancing the checkbook? me. who takes care of the day to day? me. does that make me in charge? no. it's just how WE like it. have I made mistakes? absolutey! have we switched--of course! we ARE married. however... he LIKES me to be a domme. THAT is how our sex life goes. Back in the day--I kissed him first. i jumped him first. i usually make the first move. and i abuse him--we both like that.

So, how do YOU like it? I assume 'you' are the wife? Are you the initiator? do you tell him what you want him to do? do you make him do things? do you fuck him? then you are the domme. it's that easy. Funny isn't it? if we are a domme--we are a BITCH. hellO??? fine--then i am a BITCH!

However, if you are the husband, and in charge--are you both happy with that arrangement? does she like to be taken? being told what to do? (i think that personally, since we now live in a more 'male dominated' society, it is more 'socially acceptable' for the man to be in charge. but does that work for YOU??) If so, then he is the dom.

These are all things that YOU decided a long time ago. you just didn't know it as BDSM.

WE are just getting that point. Nothing changed--just the label. does that make sense??

 

[singlasses]

LOL..No one's sure who's in charge.. that's why we're playing games to find out who's better at it

In real life, he makes the money and I spend it. He fixes the cars and I cook. We have a fairly traditional marriage anyway. Neither one of us can decide where to eat dinner.

I think as far as sex goes I'm a little more submissive, but he does outweigh me by 100 pounds and is a foot taller so perhaps the idea of manhandling him just never seemed terribly practical?

I worry about the role model thing only insomuch as it might re-enforce certain cultural stereotypes for our kids that (while they work for us) I'd rather they not just accept without thought simply because they see them modeled at home by people for whom they are a conscious decision.

Thank you all for your wonderfully thoughtful answers

 

[YourCaptor]

I think a healthy D/s relationship is also a good role model for children.

 

[dexwebster]

I think a healthy D/s relationship is also a good role model for children.

I would change exactly one word in this.

I think any healthy relationship is a good role model for children.

If two parents are sharing duties in a way they're both obviously content with, and they communicate and cooperate well, they're probably a good role model. As long as they're not shoving the intimacies of their relationship--whatever they may be--into their childrens' faces I don't think it much matters. Vanilla parents don't have sex on the kitchen table when their kids are home, do they?

 

[eastern sun]

I worry about the role model thing only insomuch as it might re-enforce certain cultural stereotypes for our kids that (while they work for us) I'd rather they not just accept without thought simply because they see them modeled at home by people for whom they are a conscious decision.

The only way your kids will accept those stereotypes without thought is if they are never thought about (or discussed). My kids have watched an M/s relationship in various stages of "overtness." And we have had lots of discussion about authority, decision-making, bullying, people-pleasing, service and love over the years.

My experience is that kids draw conclusions based on what they see. As in any relationship, they can see who has authority in which circumstances, who has experience, expertise, who is "good" at one thing or another, who makes decisions and how comfortable they are with the decisions they've made - as in any relationship - they'll simply accept it as being "the way it is" and then go about trying to get what they want from it.

And then there's the whole question of nature vs. nurture. Without a doubt, in our family, there are inherited personality traits that are undeniably innate. They aren't necessarily linked to gender, but we can point to the same behavior in the parents - and discuss it's consequences and strengths.

The biggest issue is whether you're training your D personalities to think they can have what they want without taking responsibility for other people's needs, and whether you're training your s types to think the only way they can survive is by pleasing the people around them. Both my children have shown those tendencies over the years.

It's important to show them what you want them to see. And talk about choice and authority and sexuality (in due time). Recognizing that repressed desires are expressed subconsciously, it's sometimes easier to bring it all out into the open and see it clearly and question its validity and its nature than act on social constructs that don't always reflect our internal drives.

It's impossible not to wreak your own havoc on your children, especially if you fill it with all that repressed energy. Both my parents and my husband's parents had rotten relationships. Their shadow selves destroyed their upright social selves. But bringing it out into the sunlight allows you to take a good look at it - embrace its positive qualities and transform its negative aspects into less harmful forces.