I need help learning to dominate

[Mistress_Sheli]

"pretentious fuckery"... now that's one for the quote log.....

yep, she really got me. I'll be watchin out for her from now on!!!

 

[Stella_Omega]

Shelli, you are being abusive. OP is not your sub, and you have no dominion over her. She never asked if switching were possible or not. That's only your opinon and it has no bearing on her problem.

 

[CutieMouse]

Maybe curiosity does drove SOME people. But this person stated she was "naturally passive" and "constantly afraid she is hurting him" and "constantly asking if he were ok" and "constantly worried". My common sense dictated to me that she was not acting voluntarily, but had been pressured into this act. No I believe being a Dom/me, a sub, gay, straight...is innate, so I do not believe All dominant people or ALL submissive people are pressured into learning it. I never said that.

I spent a couple years Topping more often than I submitted because I genuinely loved the man and the relationship was such that not Topping wasn't an option - he had a need to submit just as much as I did. It was initially very uncomfortable for me, because A) I didn't really understand the dominant mindset and B) "good girls" didn't treat people like that. I was "naturally passive", frequently asked if I was doing things "right", and scared I might hurt him (because I had no idea what I was doing). It had far less to do with pressure (at least initially), and far more to do with respecting his sexual needs as being equally valid as my own.

Funny thing - as I said, the experience taught me that Topping doesn't really do anything for me [sexually], but Holy Hanna did my confidence level go through the roof. LOL Apparently I was a "natural"; most people still tend to assume I'm I can't possibly be submissive. I just don't think they're bothering to pay close enough attention.

I said that in this case, I believe this person is being pressured into doing something she is not comfortable with.

Life is uncomfortable. If we spend it avoiding uncomfortable moments or opportunities, how can we be expected to grow?

As far as your dyed red hair making you a redhead, that is not up to me to decide.

Very diplomatic of you. LOL

 

[JMohegan]

I was in previously in a D/s relationship as the sub about 2 years ago for quite some time. I'm naturally a very passive person anyway so it was fairly easy for me to be trained into it, and after it ended I maintained that sort of "please everyone" attitude. Well I recently met a guy who wants to be dominated by a female and, having had experience with a master, I thought it would be fairly easy to assume the role of mistress. But I find myself having difficulty being the dominant one. I am constantly afraid of hurting him even though he says it's ok and we do have a safe word. I find myself asking him constantly if he's ok with me doing such and such and what would he like for me to do to my slave. I know it's definitely not what a good mistress does to constantly be asking him what he wants instead of being dominant and doing whatever. I want to cry every time I slap him or hit him even though I know that he likes it. I need help being a better Domme because I know I kind of suck at it and I don't want to keep disappointing him (he never says I do but I can tell). Anyone have any advice on how I can get over feeling so bad about it and to learn to be more aggressive?

My advice is to leave BDSM labels out of this discussion, because A- as you can see, they get everyone's panties in a twist, and B- they just confuse the issue.

You have a partner who wants you to be more rough and controlling in the bedroom...... except that the idea and desire for this behavior come from him, so he's the one who's really exerting control here, in the big picture sense.

Of course you're worried about doing what he wants. It's his fantasy, not yours, that you're trying to fulfill! I don't blame you one bit.

My suggestion is that you start by telling him to give you very short scripts (just a couple of minutes), each of which should be followed by plenty of positive reinforcement for you and happy praise for your effort. Length and complexity of the scripts increase over time as you become comfortable, but are always followed with appreciation and kudos and something YOU want from him.

Think of this as riding a bike, and the scripts as training wheels. If you get the hang of it, the day may come when you can ride by yourself.

But it may not. If you're miserable and hating it, despite all your best efforts, then it's totally unfair for him to expect this of you - and you have the right to tell him just that.

 

[Duncan1981]

Good thread on an interesting subject. I have wondered if someone can learn to enhance a different facet of who they are. I am a sub, but I have some tendencies with certain people to be more in control.

@duncan - re: your profile pic.
Are you a big 30 seconds to Mars fan or did you like the way Jared Leto was cut up in American Psycho? I love that movie.

I've only seen him in his newest movie but I liked the look of the photo seemed to capture what I was looking for in the eyes.

And Sheli, I would love to continue our chat on my experiences in PM...and it would really make you drink a shit load if you knew how I consider myself a real vampire...Yes I drink blood and enjoy it. So feel free to contact me.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Do we have a drinking rule for people who announce they are vampires for no good reason?

 

[YourCaptor]

1. Pick an activity
2. Do said activity with you at the center
3. Don't be a jerk when others have issues

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Do we have a drinking rule for people who announce they are vampires for no good reason?

Would we drink blood?

 

[Adakgirl]

I was in previously in a D/s relationship as the sub about 2 years ago for quite some time. I'm naturally a very passive person anyway so it was fairly easy for me to be trained into it, and after it ended I maintained that sort of "please everyone" attitude. Well I recently met a guy who wants to be dominated by a female and, having had experience with a master, I thought it would be fairly easy to assume the role of mistress. But I find myself having difficulty being the dominant one. I am constantly afraid of hurting him even though he says it's ok and we do have a safe word. I find myself asking him constantly if he's ok with me doing such and such and what would he like for me to do to my slave. I know it's definitely not what a good mistress does to constantly be asking him what he wants instead of being dominant and doing whatever. I want to cry every time I slap him or hit him even though I know that he likes it. I need help being a better Domme because I know I kind of suck at it and I don't want to keep disappointing him (he never says I do but I can tell). Anyone have any advice on how I can get over feeling so bad about it and to learn to be more aggressive?

This all boils down to the fact that you are submitting to his desires. He has the desire to be sexually dominated by an aggressive woman . You have the strong desire to please him. You want to give him what he needs from you, because that is how you derive your own pleasure, by doing the best that you can to fulfill others. This is not Dominating, this is submitting. You can call it whatever you want, but it is still going to be what it is, a passive submissive pretending to be an aggressive, sadistic, Mistress.

You may think you are trying to learn how to be a good Mistress to him, when in actuality, you are being a good obedient girl and doing whatever it takes to please him. Because that's what you do and that's what you are used to doing.

He wants you to do this and in order to do it the way he wants you to do it, you are going to try and change your stripes for him. Not for just one night, not for a weekend, but for as long as you are with him. You will need to morph yourself from a passive submissive, into an intense, aggressive, sadistic Mistress. And it's not something that you are going to ever learn to enjoy.

You certainly don't sound to me, like you want to hurt him or cause him a lot of physical pain. Which is exactly what he wants.
I don't think he necessarily cares about you learning to be a good mistress to him. In my opinion, he simply wants you to inflict a lot of pain on him so he can derive sexual pleasure from it. He is a masochist who says he wants you to be his "Mistress", but I doubt he is a submissive.

What he is doing is manipulating you into hurting him and what you are doing is submitting to him.

So, IMO, the ONLY way in which you can become more aggressive, the only way you can become a sadistic, cruel, Mistress for him, is to think of the whole thing in the mindset that you are carrying out a somewhat difficult, complicated, extended task. The task you have been given is to learn to be cruel and sadistic and then prove that you have learned by experimenting on him and inflicting your newly gained knowledge upon him.

You don't have to like it and it's not even necessary for you to get pleasure out of it either, right?
..I mean really...

This man doesn't seem to be the least bit concerned if you are getting pleasure out of doing it.... does he? In fact he KNOWS your not, he KNOWS it's hurting you emotionally and I don't think he gives a shit. He knows you are a submissive, yet he expects this of you? And he gets disappointed when you can't deliver with the power and the force and the aggressiveness he requires? Whats wrong with this picture? Be honest with yourself.

Give me a fucking break and do yourself a big favor, pay attention to the red flags that are flying all over the place right in front of your face. Lose this guy and find a partner who cares about your needs and does not want to change you into something that you are certainly not.

 

[BiBunny]

I had a thread in a similar vein a few weeks ago, OP, if you'd like to take a look at it here.

For everyone else, I think it's a little premature to decide that she's a sub being forced into doing something by the big, bad, topping from the bottom dominant. She might try topping him and *gasp* LIKE IT. I think until that happens, we need to withhold judgment.

 

[JMohegan]

I had a thread in a similar vein a few weeks ago, OP, if you'd like to take a look at it here.

For everyone else, I think it's a little premature to decide that she's a sub being forced into doing something by the big, bad, topping from the bottom dominant. She might try topping him and *gasp* LIKE IT. I think until that happens, we need to withhold judgment.

I see no indication of big & bad, but the guy is clearly controlling the proceedings here.

Some people are genuinely upset by the delivery of pain and rough treatment when they, themselves, are the aggressor. The reasons are surely an unknowable combination of innate personality and social conditioning, but if the distress is material and sustained, does the source of it really matter?

I think it's very generous, deferential and giving of the OP to try this for her partner. Whether or not she can become comfortable with it, only time will tell.

 

[BiBunny]

I see no indication of big & bad, but the guy is clearly controlling the proceedings here.

Right, but as you said, that doesn't make him "bad," like some are implying or, in some cases, outright saying.

Some people are genuinely upset by the delivery of pain and rough treatment when they, themselves, are the aggressor. The reasons are surely an unknowable combination of innate personality and social conditioning, but if the distress is material and sustained, does the source of it really matter?

I think it's very generous, deferential and giving of the OP to try this for her partner. Whether or not she can become comfortable with it, only time will tell.

Yep. I think if she wants to try it for her partner, she should. If she doesn't like it, no harm, no foul. If she does like it, then great. Beyond that, I think we should withhold judgment until she decides if she likes it or not.

Yes, I realize we're pretty much in agreement here. I was just clarifying, as it wasn't your comments I took exception to.

 

[Mistress_Sheli]

Shelli, you are being abusive. OP is not your sub, and you have no dominion over her. She never asked if switching were possible or not. That's only your opinon and it has no bearing on her problem.

Stela allow me to address this ridiculous and very unfair accusation as unpretentiously as I possibly can:

HOGWASH!

When I read your accusation that I was abusive, it really concerned me. I read back through all of my posts to see if I had written anything that could be seen as “abusive” and I could find nothing. In post 4—my 10th post ever-- I stated that (roughly translated) a person is born with a dominating personality. That is my opinion. I stand by it. It is in no way abusive, it is simply my opinion and I am entitled to it.

Later, OP said she felt discouraged and I replied to her (message 28, my 14th post ever) with the below excerpt:

Don't be discouraged. Although I believe being a Domme is innate and therefore some people will never be a TRUE Domme, I also believe that you can learn to act if you want to. In the interest of protecting your own conscience and feelings, it should be discussed between the two of you and acknowledged that during a scene YOU ARE AN ACTRESS and do not mean any harm. That should free YOU from your fears of hurting him and make you much less likely to ask him if he is ok.

With my wording “although I believe” (see above excerpt), I made it clear that this was MY OPINION. At no point did I abuse OP or treat her as though she were my sub or that I had dominion over her, or even that I wanted dominion over her; if fact, I did not even treat OP as a sub. I treated her as a human being for whom I had compassion because I felt sorry for her. Her post made me afraid that she felt obligated to do something which was causing her emotional and psychological pain.

Obviously, however, most people on this forum—yourself included--didn’t even bother to read what I wrote to OP, choosing instead to fixate on the fact that I used the word “TRUE” in all capital letters. Many of you used that as your opportunity to attack and abuse me verbally and try to humiliate me and run me from this public forum. All of you “nonjudgmental”, unpretentious, accepting people labeled me as “pretentious” from ONE WORD out of a total of 14 posts I had ever written. Please explain how one word in 14 total posts would allow you to even PRETEND to know me well enough to label me “pretentious?”

Furthermore, Stela, you are being abusive. I am not your sub, you do not have dominion over me. Quit trying to censor what I say to OP. Its none of your business if I make a comment to anyone about something they did not ask a question about. This is a public forum and I will write what I want to. You have the option to ignore me. You have unfairly and falsely accused me in an attempt to show dominance over me and boost your own popularity levels. Get off your high horse before you fall off and hurt yourself.

 

[Mistress_Sheli]

I've only seen him in his newest movie but I liked the look of the photo seemed to capture what I was looking for in the eyes.

And Sheli, I would love to continue our chat on my experiences in PM...and it would really make you drink a shit load if you knew how I consider myself a real vampire...Yes I drink blood and enjoy it. So feel free to contact me.

Thanks for the invitation, Duncan, but I'm really not into that.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Would we drink blood?

How about a bloody mary?

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

How about a bloody mary?

Or a corpse reviver? (I've never had one, but maybe now's the time to start!)

 

[Duncan1981]

Thanks for the invitation, Duncan, but I'm really not into that.

Mmmm the offer remains should you ever wish.

 

[ImOnIt]

Mmmm the offer remains should you ever wish.

come have hot sexy baby cam chat best time sexy girls with me then

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Mmmm the offer remains should you ever wish.

Attaboy, don't you take no for an answer! You push through and break that limit! You can dooo eeettt!

 

[Duncan1981]

Attaboy, don't you take no for an answer! You push through and break that limit! You can dooo eeettt!

-Grins-

I hardly take a soft no for an answer.

Duncan

 

[ImOnIt]

Attaboy, don't you take no for an answer! You push through and break that limit! You can dooo eeettt!

Theres a PM in my inbox from him too. EAGER AND INDISCRIMINANT, THAT IS HOW YOU CATCH HUNDREDS OF DIFFERENT FISH!

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Theres a PM in my inbox from him too. EAGER AND INDISCRIMINANT, THAT IS HOW YOU CATCH HUNDREDS OF DIFFERENT FISH!

Damn, you're specialer than me.

Apparently I'm just into the soft, lame stuff. That's probably why I didn't get a pm.

 

[Duncan1981]

Damn, you're specialer than me.

Apparently I'm just into the soft, lame stuff. That's probably why I didn't get a pm.

Well you are really not my type lol.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Well you are really not my type lol.

That's seriously the best news I've heard all day.

 

[Mistress_Sheli]

Mmmm the offer remains should you ever wish.

Thank you Duncan. You are a very charming Vampire.