When your Dom/Master Lies...

[scraggles]

Ok looking for advice and feedback..I just confirmed that my DoM has been lie ing to me since we met.. little over 2 months ago..I know thats not A very long time...but it had been very intense.. constant contact via Phone/Internet/texts every day...I had totally submitted to his conditions..and was looking forward to meeting him finally in November... and then plans for real life LTR eventually...when he got sick..was in hospital...lost contact for a day...then out of the blue..the "WIFE "...calls me.. with HIS phone...yeah imagine my shock.. wow was she pissed too....I KNEW he was married but he said they were seperated...well wife had a different story of course..while they do Live in same house in seperate bedrooms... and no sexual contact..not legally seperated...also he lied about other stuff too...but not as big as the Im seperated line..but a trail of lies..I have pieced together..
Well my issue is this...I felt so betrayed...and such a huge loss of trust...sent him Texts/Emails...that IM DONE with him....but NOW the sub in me...is in agony and feels so LOST without him...did I do the right thing?...Is it ever ok for the DOM to lie to his sub?...dosent that sever the Trust relationship?..and how do I get PAST this hole/void in my life?? All comments welcome

 

[NomadLady]

I think your signature line speaks volumes in this case. Before the lies came to the forefront you were happy.....remember that part and move on.

I've had a similar thing happen and it isn't easy...it's been over 3 months since I saw my last Dom and it's getting easier every day.

Sorry this happened to you....that's why I don't do "online" D/s.

Good Luck.

 

[CutieMouse]

A) If you wouldn't tolerate lying in a non BDSM relationship, why would you tolerate it in a BDSM relationship?

B) "On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog"

C) Not so fast. You knew this guy a little over 2 months [online] and were ready to end up in a long term face to face relationship? Based on 2 months of emails/text/phone calls? Would you plan an entire life with someone you met two months ago at a book club?

 

[Stella_Omega]

.did I do the right thing?...Is it ever ok for the DOM to lie to his sub?...dosent that sever the Trust relationship?.

Yes, you did the right thing.

No, it's not okay for anyone to lie to anyone. dom and sub, vanilla, makes no difference.

What Trust relationship? You didn't have a Trust relationship. You had a kinky sexual affair with a guy on the internet.

Where DO you people get this idea that D/s has this magical power to turn any old hookup into perfect relationship material? Is there some best-selling novel that I missed hearing about?

 

[scraggles]

Yeah..Im an idiot ...LOL..and feel like one too...for gettng involved with this jerk..but will move on..wiser..I HOPE..Thanks

 

[chy_girl]

*snip*
Where DO you people get this idea that D/s has this magical power to turn any old hookup into perfect relationship material? Is there some best-selling novel that I missed hearing about?

If there is, can you let me in on the secret? All this communicating, interpersonal growth, communicating, self-examination, communicating, learning relationship dynamics specific to the people involved, communicating, discussing, communicating, re-evaluating, communicating, personal growth (x3), and communicating can get a little tiring. It'd be nice to just wave a wand now and again and skip some of the messy parts.


That being said...
Contrary to some peoples' opinions, submissive does not mean that a person is sub-human, less than, a door mat, without opinion and boundaries, a mousy waif waiting to maybe have their needs met, or an animated blow-up doll to use at the PYL's convenience.

You, dear OP, are a human being who deserves just as much respect and consideration as anyone other living, breathing person. And, in my opinion, if a Dom isn't willing to give their sub the same level of respect and consideration (even if the manifestation is different) that the PYL is demanding... it's time to take a step back and and reevaluate what exactly is being agreed to and if it's ok with everyone in the relationship.

/soapbox

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yeah..Im an idiot ...LOL..and feel like one too...for gettng involved with this jerk..but will move on..wiser..I HOPE..Thanks

Try out a bunch of guys. Play the field. You know-- like dating before you get married?

There are two components to the kind of D/s relationship you want. One of them is the relationship. You want trust and compatibility in a mate.

The other of course, is the kink. That's sex. Great sex does not mean a perfect match relationship-wise. We should be able to enjoy good sex because it's good sex, without all this drive for a perfect union...

 

[Stella_Omega]

This might be the right place to say this;

On Sunday, I went to a munch. The guest speaker was a gay man who has been in leather since the early sixties-- nearly fifty years of BDSM experience.

He did not introduce his husband as "my sub" although David is certainly his preferred bottom; he introduced him as "my husband."

 

[BiBunny]

Great sex does not mean a perfect match relationship-wise.

It doesn't...but it should.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Where DO you people get this idea that D/s has this magical power to turn any old hookup into perfect relationship material? Is there some best-selling novel that I missed hearing about?

I'm pretty sure it was one of those Chick Bible tracts discussed over on the "do you have a bible..." thread.

That being said...
Contrary to some peoples' opinions, submissive does not mean that a person is sub-human, less than, a door mat, without opinion and boundaries, a mousy waif waiting to maybe have their needs met, or an animated blow-up doll to use at the PYL's convenience.

You, dear OP, are a human being who deserves just as much respect and consideration as anyone other living, breathing person. And, in my opinion, if a Dom isn't willing to give their sub the same level of respect and consideration (even if the manifestation is different) that the PYL is demanding... it's time to take a step back and and reevaluate what exactly is being agreed to and if it's ok with everyone in the relationship.

/soapbox

QFT

 

[Duncan1981]

As much as it pains me to say this, it has become human nature to lie. Be it for one reason or another. This you can not blame him for without walking in his shoes. What you need to ask yourself is -Is what he said worth it to you to leave him for?-

 

[Stella_Omega]

It doesn't...but it should.

See-- I always figure great sex means great sex.

Great sex is easy to find. A perfect match relationship wise? not so easy to find, and in fact sometimes-- you can get everything in the relationship except the great sex, and you think about going for it anyway, because that's how rare perfect relationships are.

 

[BiBunny]

See-- I always figure great sex means great sex.

Great sex is easy to find. A perfect match relationship wise? not so easy to find, and in fact sometimes-- you can get everything in the relationship except the great sex, and you think about going for it anyway, because that's how rare perfect relationships are.

Sure, great sex is great sex, but for me, most sex is just kinda meh. It's easy to find people who think they're good at it, male or female, but a lot harder to find people who actually do know what they're doing.

I don't think I could say someone was a perfect match relationship-wise if the sex wasn't great. A good match, maybe, but not perfect. But then I guess I'm just kinda contrary.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sure, great sex is great sex, but for me, most sex is just kinda meh. It's easy to find people who think they're good at it, male or female, but a lot harder to find people who actually do know what they're doing.

I don't think I could say someone was a perfect match relationship-wise if the sex wasn't great. A good match, maybe, but not perfect. But then I guess I'm just kinda contrary.

These things are also true.

All of them.

 

[chy_girl]

As much as it pains me to say this, it has become human nature to lie. Be it for one reason or another. This you can not blame him for without walking in his shoes. What you need to ask yourself is -Is what he said worth it to you to leave him for?-

People choose to lie. Even if there is a gun pointed at your head, it is a choice, plain and simple. He chose to withhold details of his marriage and lying by omission is still lying.

 

[Stella_Omega]

As much as it pains me to say this, it has become human nature to lie. Be it for one reason or another. This you can not blame him for without walking in his shoes. What you need to ask yourself is -Is what he said worth it to you to leave him for?-

His wife is asking herself the same thing.

 

[Bandit58]

See-- I always figure great sex means great sex.

Great sex is easy to find. A perfect match relationship wise? not so easy to find, and in fact sometimes-- you can get everything in the relationship except the great sex, and you think about going for it anyway, because that's how rare perfect relationships are.

*smiles*
I lucked out - I got the perfect match relationship wise and the great sex....

 

[BiBunny]

These things are also true.

All of them.

People choose to lie. Even if there is a gun pointed at your head, it is a choice, plain and simple. He chose to withhold details of his marriage and lying by omission is still lying.

Hell, yes. Having been through a lot of crap in my own not-relationship, I'm starting to realize that making a choice to lie is a total douche move. Making excuses for the liar is pretty bad, too.

 

[chy_girl]

Hell, yes. Having been through a lot of crap in my own not-relationship, I'm starting to realize that making a choice to lie is a total douche move. Making excuses for the liar is pretty bad, too.

Yes. And I'm going to be far more pissed off and far less likely to ever believe another word out of someone's mouth if they lie as opposed to them saying "I really fucked up and I'm sorry."

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hell yeah. And I don't need to walk in someone's shoes to know why he lied to me-- I don't need to care why he lied at all. That's something he needs to think about.

I wouldn't blame a guy for lying, exactly-- but I wouldn't think about him very much after that. And I wouldn't give him a second chance to lie to me.
Well, maybe a second chance. If the sex was really good.

 

[Duncan1981]

And there is the answers. You did no wrong so leave him.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yeah..Im an idiot ...LOL..and feel like one too...for gettng involved with this jerk..but will move on..wiser..I HOPE..Thanks

No, you're not an idiot, just got duped by someone who has probably been doing it for years. While some have this idea that online or moving quickly into a relationship is 100% certainty for disaster, I for one do not agree and am living proof it can work and work better than some who invest a year or more of face to face relationship and still face disaster. Often online, you will learn more about a person in 2 weeks than some people know about the person they have met face and face and been with for a year or more simply because a lot of distracting factors are removed to be replaced by communication.

It is not foolproof, but once burned you begin to learn how to look for signs all may not be as you are led to believe and begin to find ways to check these things out for yourself. If it was the problem of online, why are there so many people with broken relationships who didn't conduct their relationship online? Granted, quick is not always best, but I am glad we went with our feelings and made the commitment after 2 months communicating online and by phone (no physical meeting), and married 4 months after meeting online, a coouple of weeks after meeting face to face. If we could have married the day we met face to face, we would have, but alas, the law would not allow it....though the papers were lodged before our meeting...8 years later we do not regret our haste, and we are more in love than we were then.

It is possible to meet someone you can trust, the way you meet and how fast or slow feelings develop is not the issue or recipe for success or disaster.

Catalina

 

[talismania]

People lie for lots of reasons. Lies are seldom honorable and often devious... but sometimes they result from confusion, unhappiness and good intentions gone wrong. That said, it is NEVER right to lie and any decent person greatly regrets doing so.

Here's the thing. The OP was absolutely right to dump this guy. Whether she gives him a second chance... that depends, but she probably shouldn't.

People need to be more careful about online relationships, not less, because there's so much less information to work with. You really don't know the other person, there's no way you can, no matter how many e-mails you exchange or how many times you talk on the phone. There are huge gaps in what you know.

The first time I went online just looking for fun, I ended up in a relationship I never intended to encourage. But I did... because it felt so good and so right. I feel for anyone who's gotten into that kind of mess because I've been there. Neither party need be a bad person for that kind of screw up to occur. All they have to be is weak. The trick is to learn your lesson and move on and don't, under any circumstances, do it again. Repeat offenders are either stupid or odious.

The pull of kink is amazing. I'm now married to a man who "gets" me, and it's great. My husband is submissive, but he's submissive second and my husband first. He's the best thing that ever happened to me and the best man I know. I met him online, and if I said things started out rocky, I'd be understating the matter. But great sex has a way of bridging obstacles.

 

[catalina_francisco]

People need to be more careful about online relationships, not less, because there's so much less information to work with. You really don't know the other person, there's no way you can, no matter how many e-mails you exchange or how many times you talk on the phone. There are huge gaps in what you know.

I agree you have to be careful about online relationships, but I don't agree you have to be any more careful than a face to face relationship which starts out meeting in a bar, or through a friend etc. If a person is deceptive, they are going to be deceptive in RL as much as online...as can be seen in the OP's post where he was obviously deceiving both the wife he lives in tha same house with, and the OP. Being RL obviously didn't protect the wife anymore than the OP. So what huge gaps that the OP had to endure helped the wife, escept she found the phone and did some checkingwell after the fact. Surprise, surprise, you can also do some checking if you become involved with someone onnline. In fact, I made it a habit to do so in the interest of knowing who and what I was dealing with....and each time I found what I expected, both with the good and the bad. Being in RL and having the added physical attractions etc., can easily blind the vulnerable or unsuspecting to possible flaws to the point they don't even think to question anything, whereas online they might at least have been more alert.

I think any relationship requires engaging the brain and common sense, onlne or RL. To think otherwise is believing in fairy tales. I know from our experience, we both knew things about each other in the first month which some others we know who have been together in RL for years still do not know about their partners. It all comes down to communication and common sense. If you neglect either of those, you might end up sorry later, though hopefully wiser.

Catalina

 

[Primalex]

I KNEW he was married but he said they were seperated...well wife had a different story of course..while they do Live in same house in seperate bedrooms... and no sexual contact..not legally seperated...

Hmm. I don't get the point.

Imagine he would have been legally separated but would still love his wife. Then he would have said the truth. Would have this been better?

Or in a different way:
He told you that he is married, but separated. Why was it important for you that he is separated? Was it because you made a connotation with his emotional state or was it because of the way he fills out his tax return?