Story feedback

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

This is open for feedback before I post at Lit. It is here at google.docs. Feel free to post comments or concerns here. I am used to getting honest feedback from my editors, so my feelings will not be hurt.

Below is the story description. BTW, the story is 16K words.

This act, essentially a lesbian science fiction love story, is set in the near future after economic upheaval and environmental catastrophe in the United States of America. Social inequality and economic strife runs rampant in a society where a powerful business leader has risen to power, creating a quasi-dictatorship.

This tale is not laden with sex; nonetheless, three brief scenes are included—tame heterosexual and lesbian scenes, and a vivid female masturbation scene.

This is the first act of a three act novel.

Thanks

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Just skim read it.

I will give you a more reasoned response tomorrow but my instant reaction is that it probably wouldn't find favor on Lit. Why? Well it requires quite intense reading to keep abreast of characters and time periods and, this is the killer, it is neither erotic or really romantic.

On first glance I got confused with the characters and time period constantly changing. Also the difficulty to empathize with a heroine. Perhaps with a slower read I will 'get it' but my first reaction was a hotch-potch of loving wives, lesbian and sci-fi without knowing fully where the story was headed.

Perhaps it's me but the continued jumping of time periods made the story a bit disjointed.

I'll have a longer look tomorrow.

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Just skim read it.

I will give you a more reasoned response tomorrow but my instant reaction is that it probably wouldn't find favor on Lit. Why? Well it requires quite intense reading to keep abreast of characters and time periods and, this is the killer, it is neither erotic or really romantic.

On first glance I got confused with the characters and time period constantly changing. Also the difficulty to empathize with a heroine. Perhaps with a slower read I will 'get it' but my first reaction was a hotch-potch of loving wives, lesbian and sci-fi without knowing fully where the story was headed.

Perhaps it's me but the continued jumping of time periods made the story a bit disjointed.

I'll have a longer look tomorrow.

Thank you for the look and opinion. It isn't an easy read. Agreed. Look forward to more feedback.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Thank you for the look and opinion. It isn't an easy read. Agreed. Look forward to more feedback.

Will do tomorrow, it's a bit of a big bite for a Sunday. BTW your writing is great but you do sometimes make quantum jumps that a reader (like me) struggles to follow.

Manyana

 

[Mrtouf]

Ah, now I see what you meant with the six screens on my grammar thread.

In the intro, Nathaniel is talking to Gupta, who is introduced in the narrative as the top geneticist. I think it's more appropriate to introduce him by title and name, and either show the reader that Gupta has something to do with biological enhancements, or let them assume that's what he is working on.

Before even that, there's the extract from the report. I think that it would be an improvement if you were to have that play back as audio at Nathaniel's desk, since it reads like a spoken report.

I have real trouble getting into the rest of the story. I dig the concept, and the characters are fairly well-defined, but the transition from intro to thawing to present day is to the say the least, jarring. What I need is some way to catch up to this distant future.

I have no real idea about the upheaval and catastrophe except for what I can infer, which is not a lot and not right away. For example, mutated animals should be right in there at the start; it's really helpful to show how badly mankind has fucked the planet up.

In my opinion you should introduce Rainy at her digs and best bud Herman and mutant cat like you did in Chapter 2, along with a few little other details, then do Chapter 1.

I haven't got any further than that, but I can say that it's grown on me.

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Ah, now I see what you meant with the six screens on my grammar thread.

In the intro, Nathaniel is talking to Gupta, who is introduced in the narrative as the top geneticist. I think it's more appropriate to introduce him by title and name, and either show the reader that Gupta has something to do with biological enhancements, or let them assume that's what he is working on.

Before even that, there's the extract from the report. I think that it would be an improvement if you were to have that play back as audio at Nathaniel's desk, since it reads like a spoken report.

I have real trouble getting into the rest of the story. I dig the concept, and the characters are fairly well-defined, but the transition from intro to thawing to present day is to the say the least, jarring. What I need is some way to catch up to this distant future.

I have no real idea about the upheaval and catastrophe except for what I can infer, which is not a lot and not right away. For example, mutated animals should be right in there at the start; it's really helpful to show how badly mankind has fucked the planet up.

In my opinion you should introduce Rainy at her digs and best bud Herman and mutant cat like you did in Chapter 2, along with a few little other details, then do Chapter 1.

I haven't got any further than that, but I can say that it's grown on me.

I have no real idea about the upheaval and catastrophe except for what I can infer, which is not a lot and not right away. For example, mutated animals should be right in there at the start; it's really helpful to show how badly mankind has fucked the planet up.

Good suggestion regarding story background--I do not wish to give away a few of the things you bring up yet; nonetheless, perhaps a small explanation about the Universe may be enough. The issue isn't adding detail, it is adding just the right amount while leaving the reader to infer. *Snicker* but it sounds like you and elfin think I am leaving too much out.

the transition from intro to thawing to present day is to the say the least, jarring. What I need is some way to catch up to this distant future.

Actually, I almost took out the beginning prologue, and still might--starting at present time in the thawing. The intro is only intended to give the reader an inkling of the Universe. Read my pm, I have a few questions for you.

The other suggestions are good--thanks for the look.