waxing and waning control

[FloggingMolly]

I've been AWOL. Mostly, our general life stuff has affected the amount of time and thought I've been giving to BDSM, and our dynamic as a whole. As other stuff has creeped in, I find my response, my obediance wanes. I become more flippant, more 'equal' and much less pliant. It begins to feel like I've slipped the bonds somewhat.

Does anyone else find this, or is your dynamic so ingrained now that it remains constant?

 

[Mads]

Your threads always make me look bad... thats a rare talent you have.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

I've been AWOL. Mostly, our general life stuff has affected the amount of time and thought I've been giving to BDSM, and our dynamic as a whole. As other stuff has creeped in, I find my response, my obediance wanes. I become more flippant, more 'equal' and much less pliant. It begins to feel like I've slipped the bonds somewhat.

Does anyone else find this, or is your dynamic so ingrained now that it remains constant?

I would be shocked to find someone who has never had things in their life affect their dominance or submission either to another or just in general.

Its hard to want to be in that headspace when your head is already full of other things.

You're human. You'll get your mojo back.

 

[eastern sun]

I would be shocked to find someone who has never had things in their life affect their dominance or submission.

You're human. You'll get your mojo back.

I agree. And often, when you find your way back, you'll have a better, or deeper, understanding of what you're doing and why you're doing it.

(P.S. Mads, I don't think this thread makes you look bad. It's a reflection of a submissive experience that is very common. There is an internal experience of submission -or lack thereof- that may have nothing to do with the particular dynamics of the relationship.)

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Your threads always make me look bad... thats a rare talent you have.

Not at all.

Shit happens. It doesn't make you any less of a dom because of how she feels and it doesn't make her any less of a sub either.

This is what happens when you're human and not a robot.

You can't order her to be submissive just like she can't order you to be dominant when you're not in the mood. So you just have to communicate and not force things. Then when things calm down you have a super passionate, crazy, emotional night of BDSM and all will hopefully be back to normal.

This too shall pass.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Daddy and I have been together for more than five years now. Life gets busy. At this point in our relationship there is less overt control. He does not micromanage me. He no longer gives me tasks, or makes many demands on my everyday life.

But the foundation of our relationship is solid. I am his property, he is my owner. There are certain ground rules that were set at the beginning that I obey now as much as I did 5 years ago.

Perhaps too, I am more used to the daily little tasks that I do for him that have become such a part of my life that I don't even see them as him controlling me.

Our conversations are more relaxed when he is feeling less domly. But I still keep in mind my place. In some ways it is more difficult because inside of making outright demands he will make suggestions. I have finally learned that these suggestions are usually the same as orders. I have learned to ask to make sure of what he really wants me to do.

My submission to him is life-long. That includes when he is not feeling dominant. My role is to be what he wants me to be, to be there when he needs him, to be supportive even when he is not demanding anything.

There have been those times when I have felt antsy, when I have really needed to feel his dominance. I have learned in those cases that it is much better to just tell him what is going on rather then to act out and disobey.

What you are going through is normal. You have to make a decision are you always his submissive or are you only when you get his dominance back in return?

 

[praefect]

No, not really. My first deep M/s relationship is only a year old, though. I've been noticing something else recently. But maybe it's the same thing, from the other side of the coin. Probably not, thinking about it now. It feels like a waning, though, so...

I have to remind myself to be content with the amount of power that I have. This used to get me high. Now it simply is. It's the way things are. It's normal. It's what I expect. I am not consciously aware of the power I am wielding anymore. At first I wondered if maybe I wasn't actually in charge anymore. I didn't feel it, but... nope, I was. Totally the boss. The ruler of this land. I would have to be retarded to even doubt it, but, then, sometimes I am.

I probably have a lot more in that respect than most. A pain stud and a profoundly submissive no limits slave slut that deeply love each other and myself. Living together, making it work. I have to remind myself to appreciate that. I know I certainly would notice a loss. I equate it with taking a hot bath. At first the water is scolding, but soon you get used to it, then it feels just normal. But a cold shower now would certainly suck.

I guess one way to relive that high would be to dive deeper. But I already reached the bottom of the rabbit hole. There is nothing more that I want I could push for. I already have absolute power. What else is there? At this point it's maintenance. Growth doesn't stop, but that's expected to. That simply is. It's normal.

Now, don't misunderstand that. I'm one happy camper and life is anything but dull. Life can be hard, complicated and downright cruel in a triad. The cruelty being having to pretend I'm not who I am with the family of one of them. Me? I'm just subleasing to help finance the new house father and boss of my dear slave stud. Your son and myself? We're just good buddies.

Challenges abound.

Thinking about kids right now gives me an aneurysm, so future me is going to have to figure that one out.

It's just the power aspect that no longer seems to be anything special. The honeymoon phase for that particular aspect seems over.

So... learning to be content with what I have is the way to go. Not exactly sure how I'm going to achieve that yet

 

[FloggingMolly]

Thank you all for your input

 

[taywink]

We find general life stuff, usually family, has a nasty habit of interfering when you least expect it.

But we manage to bounce back - though my pyl takes longer to bounce back than me which needs some understanding on my part!

But we seem to gain strength and stronger bonding (or should that be bondage?) from these trials and tribulations.

 

[intothewoods]

Yes. Right now there are physical reasons why I can't do as much as I used to. It's temporary.

 

[sb2009]

As I am a complete novice in understanding all this ;-) I can only offer a comparison to the way a long term relationshop can go...all sorts of things wax and wane, based on what is going on outside our bodies, etc.

Stress experienced by one partner can throw off a dynamic like nothing else...and I know also that the early years of child rearing made me positively unidentifiable from who I was before.

I am experiencing this in my dynamic - he is very much NOT wanting to have any control other than a few set things. This has been going on for a while, but becuase I know him, I know it's in relation to the dramatic change of retiring and starting over as a civilian. If I hadn't known him for about 17 years, though, I would totally beleive he was just whimping out on me LOL

 

[chy_girl]

I've been AWOL. Mostly, our general life stuff has affected the amount of time and thought I've been giving to BDSM, and our dynamic as a whole. As other stuff has creeped in, I find my response, my obediance wanes. I become more flippant, more 'equal' and much less pliant. It begins to feel like I've slipped the bonds somewhat.

Does anyone else find this, or is your dynamic so ingrained now that it remains constant?

Any relationship, kinked or not, has it's ebb and flow. Even friendships have an ebb and flow. It's natural as the various parts of who we are shift and grow or even get put away because we don't need it anymore.

It's the same thing happens in my relationship (on both sides of the D/s fence from what I can see). Sometimes I can recognize needing the space to be a little bossy about my end of things. Sometimes I can recognize that they need to Dom up hard on me and help me back into my place. It's the way it is, but most importantly, we've learned to talk about it. Because if we don't bad things happen and none of us are very happy.

 

[Homburg]

Your threads always make me look bad... thats a rare talent you have.

Dude, do not feel bad about this. It is normal. Hell, I'm having massive sinus/allergy issues right now. Guess what - it affects my power. I'm not the "reeks of dominance" Alpha MAN when I'm like this. I'm too busy trying to find a tissue with which to blow my nose.

And, honestly, some days, or even weeks, you just want to read a book, or be left to your own devices. It is moments like that in which the other aspects of your relationship (like, you know, actually liking each other as people) help keep you both going.

It is also when a good partner understands that their SO is having an off time. It happens. You soldier on, enjoy other aspects of the relationship, and be an adult about it. With a little patience, things are likely to return to the proper footing.

For me, choosing to not be actively dominant every given moment is my prerogative. If I'm in charge it bloody well better be. If I'm required to portray some particular role all the damned time, I'm no more in charge than a dancing bear hopping for the crowd.

 

[chy_girl]

*snip*
And, honestly, some days, or even weeks, you just want to read a book, or be left to your own devices. It is moments like that in which the other aspects of your relationship (like, you know, actually liking each other as people) help keep you both going.
*snip*

^That.

I've talked (briefly) with people who were in a BDSM relationship with people they didn't care for enough to do something as innocuous as go to coffee and chat about their day. It confuses me for the simple fact that if there's something about a person that's enough to make me not want to spend time with them, there's something that's going to effect how much I respect them as people... and those are not the people to have a power exchange with, imo.

 

[NomadLady]

I've been AWOL. Mostly, our general life stuff has affected the amount of time and thought I've been giving to BDSM, and our dynamic as a whole. As other stuff has creeped in, I find my response, my obediance wanes. I become more flippant, more 'equal' and much less pliant. It begins to feel like I've slipped the bonds somewhat.

Does anyone else find this, or is your dynamic so ingrained now that it remains constant?

I think those times are perfectly normal and in a way are probably happening as a way to rest, then recharge your relationship. No different that in the vanilla world except that the communication must be there so each of you know it's just temporary. If you are waning and he isn't, and you don't tell him, then I could see more of a potential problem.

 

[FloggingMolly]

Thankyou all