ASSHAT AWARDS: Best of the Worst PMs and Emails Received

[RawHumor]

Seriously. I am not the canvas to your load.

Awesome line.

 

[Firebrain]

Same guy again: "are you a faithful wife?"

Me: "Are you a moron?"


I know, I know. I shouldn't feed the asshats after midnight

 

[FungiUg]

I know, I know. I shouldn't feed the asshats after midnight

Depends what you're feeding them. Ground glass works well.

 

[infinity706]

You know what's hilarious about that? He goes on an on about how he's the ultimate lover, yet he's CONVINCED that the "ultimate sex" is a "throat job" like every woman's tonsils are her clitoris.

Even if it's in reference to male pleasure, I can't say throat jobs are all that ultimate, either. I've given blowjobs to tons of guys and while the whole deep throat thing was good for kink value and feels nice, it's not really one of the top moves for stimulating a penis. Now, skullfucking works pretty nicely if you don't really mind the gagging thing.

 

[neci]

Check out the paintgirl, getting all hot with the canvas reference!

...I am so stretching you and hanging you somewhere with nice light.

splatter paint me.

 

[RawHumor]

I get a lot of spam YIM messages, but this one was the best:

snoopypolonaise: Hey rawhumour

21 GIRL here and getting naked on my webcam loook@www.severelymaggot.info/

I had to edit out all the random font characters, but the funniest thing to me was the url.

Severelymaggot.info? What part of that screams hot webcam girl to you?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I get a lot of spam YIM messages, but this one was the best:

snoopypolonaise: Hey rawhumour

21 GIRL here and getting naked on my webcam loook@www.severelymaggot.info/

I had to edit out all the random font characters, but the funniest thing to me was the url.

Severelymaggot.info? What part of that screams hot webcam girl to you?

Amusing... especially the part when she misspelled your name.

When you enter the www.maggot addy into a blank address bar, it then changes itself to http://onlyybeestxx.com/ which is a live cam website. Strangely, that addy doesn't come up questionable on Web of Trust (WOT), and a little google-ing comes up with the information that "The following is a list of (2490) Domain Names On the web hosting Server with the IP Address of 62.219.6.120 that are IP Neighbors (Share a Web Hosting Server) with the Domain Name 100LIVEOONLINE.INFO." I love what the web can do for us...

 

[lady_poisyn]

YAY! a new asshat -_-

from asshat

want to slap my cock on ur face and then insert my fingers inside ur pussy as u squirm i start to be rougher wid ur pussy . i want you to scream and beg for my cock and get down on ur knees the moment u see me i want to read a real slutty answer where in u jus make me cum and cum and cum allover ur body and i then massage u wid the semen.ur my slut whore cunt u belong to me and i own u bitch ..u willl wear a collar that has slut slave to mster written on it .. every night u will sleep wid my cock in ur mouth and wake me up wid a blowjob.some times in the night i will cum in a dog dish and u will lick it up clean in the morning...remember ur nothin more then a filthy slut for me...on some mornings u will make me cum in ur mouth and gargle in that semen. open ur mouth let some cum dribble on ur tits and neck...i will then spit on u inside ur mouth and u will then swallow it..wat ever cum dribbles down i will scoop it up wid spoon and put it in ur mouth...u need to worship my dick every day and every night..moment i see u u should crawl towards me and rub my dick and beg for my dick ok bitch...remember ur my fuck slut cum slut and my bitch i own ur tits pussy and ass.. i willl take u outdoors to my terrace where i will whip ur pussy with a leather whip and ur tits will be clamped ....wowo

what about this could be considered sexy? the misspellings? the poor grammar? really now where am i supposed to find the thing that'll make me all hot and wet and say "oh yes master! please make me your bitch!"?

-_-

 

[CurlyKat]

from asshat

what about this could be considered sexy? the misspellings? the poor grammar? really now where am i supposed to find the thing that'll make me all hot and wet and say "oh yes master! please make me your bitch!"?

-_-

That whole thing makes me want to pluck my eyeballs out and burn them so I can never, ever read anything like that again.

 

[FungiUg]

what about this could be considered sexy?

The "wowo" on the end! Ooo yeah baby!

 

[lady_poisyn]

The "wowo" on the end! Ooo yeah baby!

XD oh ya that just gets me going every time!

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

text it 2 urself. i guarantee ull be grindin in ur seat n 1 minut.

wowo.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

from asshat

what about this could be considered sexy? the misspellings? the poor grammar? really now where am i supposed to find the thing that'll make me all hot and wet and say "oh yes master! please make me your bitch!"?

-_-

What


the


fuck?

I just want to close my eyes and pretend that reading that was nothing more than a very bad dream and it will be gone in the morning...

 

[lady_poisyn]

What


the


fuck?

I just want to close my eyes and pretend that reading that was nothing more than a very bad dream and it will be gone in the morning...

that is exactly how i felt when i read it!

but it was also such a fine example of asshattery of the worst variety that i had to post it.

 

[00Syd]

This has been making me laugh tonight.

I want to rub my pantyhose ass up and down your cock and make you so so hard then stroke you with a nylon stocking over your cock. Would you like that baby. The sweep of my tongue up your cock and down then my lips wrap around your throbbing cock.

Um, I don't have a cock. And I don't have a nylon fetish. But I'm flattered that you think I'd make a sexy man!

Well I go both ways baby. How may I please you.

You may not, but thanks for the offer!

Have a good night.

Let me put my tongue in your ass crack and lick you baby.

Nope.

Can I give you a very sensual massage?

Nope!

Persistent little guy, eh?

 

[FungiUg]

Um, I don't have a cock.

I can lend you a rooster?

 

[gypsy*seer]

This has been making me laugh tonight.







Persistent little guy, eh?

Are you sure it's a guy??

 

[00Syd]

Are you sure it's a guy??

Yep, 100%. Not that it makes much of a difference either way.

 

[SirLeo]

That whole thing makes me want to pluck my eyeballs out and burn them so I can never, ever read anything like that again.

Um, CurlyKat's response in and of itself qualifies, not sure for what, but it qualifies for something!

 

[snowy ciara]

Hee! I'm back less than 24 hours and I have two derriere chapeaus in my inbox! Sadly, I can't post the first one because the writing style and ego make it too obvious to anyone who ventures into another lit forum, and I don't want to attract the individual over here...

Second one:

Why were you AOL so long? Did you get dumped? Have you come back to lick your wounds? Well, if you're looking for sympathy, keep walking bitch. If you want a real Dominate, answer me. I won't mollycoddle youre precious little feelings, I will bring OUT your natural submission. I will MAKE you into the submissive of your dreams. I will BE the MAN you need, not the pussy you think you want. The one you NEED. Answer me. Now. You have until midnight EST to respond, or I'll know your just a pathetic little subwannabe who wouldn't know a REAL MASTER if he spit in her face.

And then 10 minutes later, I get:

The clock's ticking, bitch.

I don't know if I'm going to correct his grammar or just hole his boat beneath the waterline.

 

[FurryFury]

Wow.

This is but ONE reason why I don't show up as on Lit anymore. LOL The freaks that think they own you.

Hee! I'm back less than 24 hours and I have two derriere chapeaus in my inbox! Sadly, I can't post the first one because the writing style and ego make it too obvious to anyone who ventures into another lit forum, and I don't want to attract the individual over here...

Second one:



And then 10 minutes later, I get:



I don't know if I'm going to correct his grammar or just hole his boat beneath the waterline.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Hee! I'm back less than 24 hours and I have two derriere chapeaus in my inbox! Sadly, I can't post the first one because the writing style and ego make it too obvious to anyone who ventures into another lit forum, and I don't want to attract the individual over here...

Second one:



And then 10 minutes later, I get:



I don't know if I'm going to correct his grammar or just hole his boat beneath the waterline.

Well well.

 

[snowy ciara]

Wow.

This is but ONE reason why I don't show up as on Lit anymore. LOL The freaks that think they own you.

((FURRY)) I didn't think I showed up either! I didn't before! I should go check that out.

Well well.

Am I allowed to hug you Rosco, or should I just go to the kitchen and make you a pie?

 

[FungiUg]

How can someone say both "Real Dominate" and "mollycoddle"? Nasty.

 

[snowy ciara]

Well, since he thought I was a crappy ISP rather than missing I can see where he's confused. ((Fungi))