admitting to being a sub

[selinara]

So, after a lot of soul searching, I've figured out that I'm a sub at heart. I need to have someone in my life that will take charge, and make me feel wanted.

There's more to it, but it's hard to explain. Wanted seems the best word at the moment.

Anyways.... enough nervous babbling. I thought I would poke my head in and see if there are any that can give some advice? I really want to do some good research, but the internet is a big place, and ... well yeah.

 

[CutieMouse]

I don't know how you reached your conclusions, so I'm kinda flying blind with a few questions here...

How do you define "sub at heart"? Does that mean in the bedroom only? Do you view submission in terms of service? Both?

You mentioned needing someone to take charge - is that in a "this compliments who I am" sort of way, or an escapist sort of way? It can be very alluring to think of submission as a solution to all the burdens and responsibilities of the world... almost like a way to escape all the hard crap - let the dominant party deal with that! Also, please realize that there is a hell of a lot of responsibility that comes with being submissive (just as there is in being dominant).

Finally thought - the "make me feel wanted" part stood out to me. The only person who can make you feel wanted, is you [personal opinion].

 

[selinara]

No, thanks for replying.

The way I see it is that I don't want to be the one defining everything in my life. Not necessarily an escape sort of deal.. but more a .. release? I think that's the word I'm going for.

Lately my mind keeps going more and more to having someone that wants to take care of me, but also wants me to take care of them. Serving seems a good way of putting it, but not to the degree of 'slave' that I've been seeing.

As far as feeling 'wanted'... it's more that I know I'm wanted, but I don't FEEL it. I think it's because I have certain wants, and I haven't been able to get them fulfilled. It's been very frustrating, mostly because up until recently, I wasn't sure that it was normal to WANT those in the first place.

 

[CutieMouse]

Okay, so what will it take for you to FEEL you're wanted, and why haven't you been able to get your desires fulfilled? Do you have a partner? Have you communicated these needs to him [or her]? Do you even have the verbiage to do so right now?

 

[selinara]

I have a partner, but I haven't seen him since last July. He's been stationed overseas.

I've been raising the two kids by myself since he had to move. He's given me permission to find a partner (which was unexpected, and really nice), but he's not comfortable with some of the things I have asked for in bed... so it makes me a little nervous about asking him for some things outside of it.

So yeah, I guess part of the reason for my confusion would be a lack of verbiage, as you call it.

 

[Thecontrol100]

if you no in your heart the Sub life style is for you then you need to read and understand more about the bdsm life style there are many sites like you said but finding the rights ones aint that easy.

i have some information you may enjoy reading and happy to talk toyou about the life and if what you want is really what you want in your life.

contact me here or on email or messenger

 

[CutieMouse]

i have some information you may enjoy reading and happy to talk toyou about the life and if what you want is really what you want in your life.

contact me here or on email or messenger

Or, you could share your book and/or website suggestions publicly, so that everyone can benifit - or offer their own opinions of the advice given. For example, when someone claiming to be dominant offers to share information/advice in private, I tend to view it as an attempt to position themselves for cybersex... in the spirit of being helpful, of course.

BTW- public posting of email addresses is against forum rules.

 

[selinara]

Thank you Cutie.

 

[android1966]

This may be helpful.


http://submissive1.homestead.com

 

[FungiUg]

when someone claiming to be dominant offers to share information/advice in private, I tend to view it as an attempt to position themselves for cybersex...

Wot she said.

From what you are describing, now is an ideal time to do some reading up, some research, talk to people, ask questions, get to know yourself and what you want. Coming out to yourself is a good first step, so really you're at the "what do I do next?" phase (from what I read).

Literotica's a good starting place (it's where I started), and the forum has some great people in it who are happy to help out with ideas and discussions. Plus there's a lot of existing discussions to wade through.

My one piece of advice at this stage: take it slow. No, wait, two pieces of advice: don't try to be what other people tell you to be. No, wait, three pieces of advice...

Even as a submissive, you need to define what you need and want. There are as many different "styles" of submission as there are submissives. What's right for some won't be right for you. So this is about finding what works for you. And if you rush in, you're likely to do the opposite (find what doesn't work for you) which can be a nasty experience.

CM has been doing a great job of digging for details, and that's really what it's about. "Right, I'm submissive" is where you are, but "I'm really into bondage" or "I'm into mental slavery" or "I'm into being of service" or "I'm into being someone's fuck toy and being used for sex" or "I'm really into snowboarding" is where you need to be next.

So welcome along! Have fun, explore, and be a little careful. We do have predators out there.

 

[pellso27]

3 words for you

Ping Pong paddles

 

[selinara]

Thank you Fungi.

I know I like MILD pain. Spankings, things like that. And I KNOW I fantasize about being tied down a lot. Whenever I have been restrained, I feel much more... relaxed, I think is the word for it.

I've been like that since I was a child, though.

I know I want to 'serve'... but again, it's not a desire to be completely ruled over. More like a caring sort of serve, and I can't see the complete slave drive as matching that for me.

 

[Thecontrol100]

try this a bdsm dictionary.
this site will also lead you into some other good places.

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/BDSM/

and cybersex is for time wasters, players and wonna be's, i have been in this life style to many years to start that cyber crap.

you want some other sites ask,

but what ever you do i wish you luck and i think someone said DON'T LET ANYONE PUSH YOU INTO SOMETHING YOU DONT FEEL HAPPY ABOUT. who ever it was said that i agree,i was only trying to help, take care.

 

[eroticwetdreams]

I really liked this thread because everyone was so polite, understanding and helpful rather then just brushing it off or being a major douche to put it in layman's terms . It also gave me insight on this sub issue .

Thank You .

 

[KLD906]

There are lots of ways and levels of being both a sub or a dom. I'm a Dom and have a wonderful sub. She's amazing yet while she's very submissive to me, she is in no way a doormat or a less of a person than myself. Yes, I dominate her but I also respect and love her. When she submits to me she transforms into the shy, sweet, timid, innocent little girl yet she is so very willing to perform any task I instructed her to do, no matter how dirty or nasty.

Outside our private lives, she is still submissive to me yet she's her own person. She's someone that I am both proud of and proud to be with.

There is no perfect definition of a sub or dom - its simply whatever style that works for you and you're willing partner. I'm lucky, I've found a woman that my match.

 

[DaddysGirl328]

So prefectly said. *sigh* I think I am in love....

 

[AsianWinterGirl]

Okay... thank you all for absolutely everything you said. I specifically joined Lit to learn exactly what this thread is talking about. I am new as a sub and have a dom who is patient and instructional. Like someone said earlier he is respectful and kind and loving and in no way abusive. Im probably using the wrong word there, but i mean he does not do things he knows i dont like. We have boundries we agreed to. I love my life Selinara, but be mindful of everything you have read here.

Im posting because of my relative inexperience in compared to others here. But trust me... listen to what CutieMouse, FungiUg, and KLD906 have said. Take advantage of the links to information provided by others...and even consider the ping pong paddes suggested by Pellso27.

CM is very wise to caution you about where you get your info from.

Above all... search your feelings, thoughts, fantasy ideas and wants... learn what works for you. There is no point in getting into something that makes you unhappy. Life is too short and your sexual health, spiritual health, mental health, and physical health are too important and are tied to one another.

Thank you for starting this thread. I wish I was as smart as you and just came out in a forum and asked. Kudos to you Selinara!!!

 

[AsianWinterGirl]

I meant to put a smiley after the ping pong paddles... intended it to lighten my otherwise serious post. Sorry!

 

[TXtaboosexgurl]

umm i think you just took the first step