Melony's Malady -- July 2010 -- Litbridge

[Litbridge]

Hi: I'm a complete novice and need help. Posted my very first piece a couple of weeks back and don't think I did very well -- a 3.5 rating and only 17 votes (bless all those who voted!)-- http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=488927. There were no public comments so, before I begin my next story, I'd love to have some critical feedback. Was my intro too long? Do I need to work harder at character development? Was my story (entered in the Erotic Couplings section) too ribald or not racey enough? Any feedback would be welcome and helpful so I can improve.

 

[Litbridge]

Calling anyone!

'ello? Is there anybody there? So, again, I write my first piece for Literoitica, have thousands of people read at least a small part of it (maybe they checked out after the first para?), get 18 votes, no comments and a lowly (to judge from postings here) 3. something. So, obviously, I have a lot to learn. I ask for feedback here and get a few reviews but, again, no comments. Is this a community of authors willing to help one another improve, or what? C'mon folks... you won't hurt my feelings. I have 30 years in the communications business and know more than most what it takes to write, rewrite and re-rewrite stuff to make it better. No, that doesn't mean I can write erotica... far from it obviously. So who will help me clear the fog and LEARN? Anyone?

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Nobody really votes. Nobody really cares about the voting. Let it go.

 

[PacoFear]

*Warning: this post got really effing long. I meant it in a good way. I very much sympathize with the new folks wanting some support and direction. Also, I'm coming off of a double dose of Nyquil and things are, well, fuzzy. *

Hi LitB,

I'm with Dix. (Okay, wow, phonetically that's a nightmare statement, ) Seriously, there's only so much worrying about the voting you can do. Just because you didn't nail the pesky little red H on your first go doesn't mean you don't have a good story.

I read Melony's Malady and liked it well enough. To my eye, you've got all the mechanics down, grammar, structure, etc. Two smallish things jumped out at me on the mechanics front. There were a few exclamation points in your narrative that I’d recommend ditching. As a general rule they usually read kind of hokey. Let the emphases in your descriptions stand on their own. Also there’s a little of what we call “head hopping.” By that I mean your story, being narrated by a third person who has knowledge of what’s going on in Melony’s head, also seems to have knowledge of what’s in Peter’s head. The move from one head to the other can be jarring for a reader, lifting them up out of the story. Look at the paragraphs with Peter’s thoughts and consider whether they’re needed or not. I'm guessing not.

Other than that, well, substance. *scratching head*

Plot
What you’ve got here is your basic no-frills cheatin’ wife story. That means your prose, your characters, and your smut need to carry the weight.

Prose
I like your writing style. You have a decent mix of sentence structures and you’re way beyond the he did/she did thing. I thought your first paragraph was catchy though I think it doesn’t need the last sentence. Why? We’re getting out into the ether here, or my lack of ability to explain better because I’m a self-taught writer. Basically, in my head, that last sentence adds one too many beats.

For a pithier second paragraph consider ditching “with his manhood.” What else does a fella fill the front of his jeans with?

At the paragraph starting with “Of course” you have a useable idea that might come out better if it says something like “She wished he’d look at her the way she was eyeing him…” before getting into the "if only she’d worn one of her low cut blouses."

Generally, Peter's pickup attempt is awkward. Why? If there was a benefit to casting Peter as awkward I missed it. It made me wonder if you simply couldn’t come up with some more clever approach. If you can’t come up with something else, you might try rolling Peter’s awkwardness into his charm. To this end you can deploy another oft-used maneuver, “Forgive me if this sounds strange, I don’t usually do this, but there’s just something about you…”

Skipping to the end, it was nice, though the last two lines didn’t resonate for me as well as I suspect you wanted. I’m not sure what cards you were referring to with the last line – her business cards like the ones she handed to Peter in the parking lot or were you simply referring, without a lick of setup or irony, to playing cards? I did like “Melony with a malady” but it could use a little explanatory run-up. Something like:

She was Melony again, small-town real estate broker and housewife. The same woman but somehow not. There was a new found emptiness in her middle with Peter gone. A sickness. Melony had a malady. And no one to treat it.

Not sure I like that one either but this is the kind of thing I tend to obsess over for days until I get something I really like.

Characters

Melony: For starters, I thought you were a little heavy-handed on the setup with respect to Melony’s dissatisfaction. There’s some substantial hubbie bashing going on in here. It’s done for the usual reasons, to explain/make her adultery more palatable later. You’ve deployed the tool typically used for stories describing a cheating husband: it’s okay because his previously lusty wife went frigid, etc. My experiences with adultery are zero (praise the lord), but in my head, women cheat for different, softer reasons. They miss the romance, the attention, the excitement of new love. What this means for you is an opportunity for Melony to come off as more likeable if you skip the hubby bashing and simply have her say she loves her husband but go on to detail the things she’s missing from her marriage. Likeability bonus points for having her recognize that the way she’s feeling is wrong and cursing her inability to stop herself.

Peter: We don’t really know that much about him do we? I think you were shooting for a kismet thing when Melony guesses his name correctly but it fell flat for me. Mostly there’s just a ton of physical description for Peter, nothing that resonated for me, but to be fair I’m not into fellas. (quick sidenote: most of the readers here are guys, so if you’re chasing ratings you want to cater to the male readers.) The worst part of Peter is that he gets some fairly bland dialogue. Second worst, he drives a VW bug. Why was that important? By American standards, that’s kind of a chick car and he’s trying to pass it off as cool with the cup warmer thing. Oh yeah, he’s foreign but we’re never told more so that’s odd. Worst of all, his exit is incredibly unexpected and more than a little jarring – “I have to go because I’m a secret agent/criminal on the run/whatever.” It was a little hokey on my read, like you needed him to leave because you had your lonely contemplative ending with Melony already chosen but couldn’t cook up some more realistic departure mechanism for Peter.

The Sex
On my read, not bad. Not stellar either. Pretty strong BJ opener. Her masturbating just after had some steam for me in that previously-repressed-housewife-now-cuts-loose-sort-of-way. It slid down a rung on the ladder for me at “suck my cunt.” Really? You were artful with the BJ, but the cunnilingus got short shrift. The whole thing scooted down three more rungs with the sudden appearance of the two outside participants. To me it read like you were writing this scene and said “crud, I need this hotter” and threw two more guys at it. Yes, I understand that you did the necessary set-up by A) having Melony and Peter camping (the extra guy gambit may have been more problematic in a hotel room) and B) pointing out that their campsite was on a well-traveled route. Still, sudden late game sexual participants don’t do it for me. I have no idea who they are so I just don’t care about ‘em. Worse, they require engaging my yes-this-is-porn reality disbelief engine. After the four way, the tense shift to future (“Peter already knew what he would do”) was quick and odd, like you hesitated to committing to another full sex scene. Overall, I’d give the nooky a B- but I’m a jaded bastard.

Speaking of being a jaded bastard - my thoughts on the Lit game
If you're chasing hits give yourself a little time. This story has only been up for three days. Also, you're a new author so you've got no one looking for you. Plus, while your title/description are poetic, they're not eye-catching in a smutty way. Erotic Couplings as a category is kind of broad. People want to know what they're getting into before they read. You might have pulled more folks in with a more blatant description like "Lusty housewife finds new passion with stranger from the market."

Also I don't think Erotic Couplings is a super popular genre here. Personally, unless I see a title/description that catches my eye or an author I know and like, I tend to skip right on over the EC stories in the New Postings.

Conclusion
Let me swing back around to say that I think this thing, overall, was pretty well written. You actually told a story, which puts you in the top third of the posts here in my book. It read smoothly too. To my eye, you’ve got all the right tools. For a first post, I thought it was quite good. You’re next one will no doubt be even better.

Do carry on,

-PF

 

[Litbridge]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hi PF: I can't say it often enough. Your analysis and feedback is bang on. I so appreciate the time and thought you put into it and now more fully recognize the shortcomings, although I had a sense there were these problem areas and then some. Part of the issue is I pretty much wrote Melony as a stream of consciousness thing and then went back to nip and tuck the story. All the while, I was thinking if I added a couple of front-end chapters to develop the characters and set context, I could even tone down the smut for a more maintstream audience and have Peter, of course, come back into her life. So I lost focus on this audience. Not good enough and you pinpointed the problems. I am truly grateful for your insights and will try harder.

 

[PacoFear]

Happy to help, LitB. And don't beat yourself up too much. This was a solid first go and we all have to start somewhere. Some of my earlier stuff makes me wince. Patience, it'll come.

 

[hankstr]

Hi LitB,
I understand the frustration about the comments and reviews. I'm pretty much in the same boat, having just written my second story. It hasn't been two days quite yet, and there have been 2405 hits, which sure seems like a lot. In contrast the review rate is .0034 percent, which doesn't seem too high. No comments yet. I'm sure the veteran authors on this site don't give a rats arse about hits/reviews/comments.

With regards to your story, I read it and liked it very much. Its not really a theme I fantasize about, but I still found it quite compelling. I liked a lot how you developed Melony's character and presented her internal conflict. I also was curious how you would wrap things up at the end - well done!

Hope to see more work from you in the future. You received an excellent critique from Paco. I'm gonna' pilfer some of his advice.

kind regards, Hankstr

 

[Litbridge]

Hi Hanksr: Thanx a million for the encouraging words. PacoFear's comments were very, very helpful and I'm starting a new story with his comments in mind and improvement in mine. Speaking of that, as I wrote to Utopia, I envy the creativity and imagination you two bring to your work. I have been so trained in lineal thinking it will be something just short of a miracle if I can break out of my "reporting life as I see it" mode. I'm with you on your comments about ratings, too. Let's just see if we can solicit better and more feedback. That, after all, is food for the writers' soul. Let's stay in touch.

 

[PacoFear]

It hasn't been two days quite yet, and there have been 2405 hits, which sure seems like a lot. In contrast the review rate is .0034 percent, which doesn't seem too high. No comments yet. I'm sure the veteran authors on this site don't give a rats arse about hits/reviews/comments.

Cheer up fellas, my best post has a vote-to-read ratio that hovers at about 1%. Most of my others are considerably lower.

There's been loads of observations here on the forums about the low vote and comment rate. Truth is, I think, there are tons of casual readers that visit Lit who think nothing of reading something then moving on to the next piece until they, ahem, finish, at which point they close the browser window and get on with their real lives.

It's not mean spirited. Lit is a sort of guilty pleasure. Voting and commenting requires participating to another level that some folks either can't be bothered with or are too ashamed or paranoid to do. It's a variation on the Tragedy of the Commons - lots of consumption, little investment.

Can't say I'm much better, I was one of them pesky non-voting readers for quite a few years.

Cheers,

-PF

 

[driphoney]

Hi LitB,
I'm sure the veteran authors on this site don't give a rats arse about hits/reviews/comments.

*snort*

You think?

 

[jimmyjoyce]

Originally Posted by hankstr
Hi LitB,
I'm sure the veteran authors on this site don't give a rats arse about hits/reviews/comments.

*snort*

You think?

I'm not sure if I qualify as a veteran, but I echo driphoney's snort. Read volume matters. Votes matter. Comments matter.

One day I'll grow up and attain detachment. But then I won't be writing porn.

The sad fact is, poor reader response hurts. It goes, you might say, with the territory.

- jimmyjoyce

 

[driphoney]

Cheer up fellas, my best post has a vote-to-read ratio that hovers at about 1%. Most of my others are considerably lower.

There's been loads of observations here on the forums about the low vote and comment rate. Truth is, I think, there are tons of casual readers that visit Lit who think nothing of reading something then moving on to the next piece until they, ahem, finish, at which point they close the browser window and get on with their real lives.

It's not mean spirited. Lit is a sort of guilty pleasure. Voting and commenting requires participating to another level that some folks either can't be bothered with or are too ashamed or paranoid to do. It's a variation on the Tragedy of the Commons - lots of consumption, little investment.

Can't say I'm much better, I was one of them pesky non-voting readers for quite a few years.

Cheers,

-PF

Me, too. And I'm one of those dubious creatures that think a "view" does not mean a "read". I think a LOT make it a paragraph or two and back click.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Read volume matters. Votes matter. Comments matter.

No. They don't.

Direct Mail gets about a 2% return on their mailings. Expect seriously less than that here. If you get one piece of Feedback it's likely that 500 people read your story.

If you write for praise, you're not writing, you're manufacturing.

 

[Litbridge]

Writing is a particularly singular pursuit with the hope of receiving some acknowledgement of your effort, growth and abilities. It can get lonely rumaging around in your own attic after a while! A very wise poster here told me not to sweat the votes and ratings and I've taken that to heart. But feedback, as I posted before, is food for the author's soul methinks. It tells us someone other than ourselves is out there and cares even a little about what you do. If one wrote purely for one's own benefit it would rather obviate the need for successful forums like this one.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Let's get real here boys. Even my best writing on Literotica isn't close to my worst writing in the real world. Because my goal here isn't to illuminate the human condition -- it's to make you cum.

My point is -- if you're really interested in feedback so you can improve your writing, you're in the wrong place. You should acknowledge that, get over your hurt feelings, and move on to a thread about puffy nipples or something.

 

[polynices]

No. They don't.


If you write for praise, you're not writing, you're manufacturing.

How the hell do you know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it? In a place that certainly has its fair share of arrogance, your post here counts as one of the most arrogant comments I've encountered. Stop telling other people what they're doing - and what they ought to think and feel! Stop making rules and stop lecturing people!

- jimmyjoyce

Incidentally, jimmyjoyce is polynices. So yes, you were insulting me.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

How the hell do you know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it? In a place that certainly has its fair share of arrogance, your post here counts as one of the most arrogant comments I've encountered. Stop telling other people what they're doing - and what they ought to think and feel! Stop making rules and stop lecturing people!

- jimmyjoyce

That was pretty good. Now try it with a lisp.

 

[polynices]

That was pretty good. Now try it with a lisp.

So now the cheap insult. A nice strategy in the face of criticism which is directed at you for a change.

One of the things I thought about saying just now but didn't is that, from what I've seen of you here, you have only two modes: either arrogant condescension or the pseudo-smart put-down (rarely funny and often incomprehensible). Both are decidedly juvenile traits - schoolboy pontification or schoolboy attempts at humour. ("Hey guys - listen to me! Ain't I funny!")

Why not think about what I said for a while and then, if you feel so-inclined, apologise for your rudeness? Because what you're doing here - on several threads I've read - is shutting down sensible, civilized discussion. You're essentially a bully. You really aren't as superior as you pretend - or, at least, you haven't demonstrated it so far.

jimmyjoyce/polynices

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Tell me more about my eyes.

 

[polynices]

Tell me more about my eyes.

My case rests.

- polynices

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Now prove Fermat's Theorem.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Writing is a particularly singular pursuit with the hope of receiving some acknowledgement of your effort, growth and abilities. It can get lonely rumaging around in your own attic after a while! A very wise poster here told me not to sweat the votes and ratings and I've taken that to heart. But feedback, as I posted before, is food for the author's soul methinks. It tells us someone other than ourselves is out there and cares even a little about what you do. If one wrote purely for one's own benefit it would rather obviate the need for successful forums like this one.

Thanks for the blind item mention above, and you're welcome.

But, listen, feedback is NOT food for author's soul. Feedback is what you get from your editor, your Mom, your wife. And you should ask for specific feedback, not a general "what do you think?" Never, ever, set yourself up as the kind of writer that needs, or wants, or asks for, "feedback". It's lovely and nice when it comes -- unsolicited.

Market your story. Put it out there that you'd like it read. If people want to send you their thoughts -- lovely. But don't ask. Don't entreat. Because, because, because 99.89% (I've clocked this) of the "feedback" you get will be useless, and if you're a beginning writer without a properly sandpapered skin, can set you down hundreds of wrong paths.

You were lucky to get one lucidly expressed post above re your work. But even that was overmuch (though surprisingly helpful if you're in a place to hear what he had to say). Frankly, you need to just improve your skills as a writer before you can constructively take critique on a specific work. And, like I said above, this is stroke material -- you're only going to be inspired to aspire so much.

There are some story editors here you can trust to give you critique. But the trick isn't asking for critique, it's HOW you ask. Don't just ask for general comments. Ask, specifically, for things you want to know. ("I need to know if my characters seems realistic." "Can you tell me if the scenarios I lay out seem plausible?" "Is the writing too florid?" etc.)

If the goal is to actually improve your writing, ask critique of a select group, not the world, be specific about what you ask for, and don't limit yourself to limiting genre writing like erotica.

If the goal is to stroke your ego, go the Forum Boards and beg for "Feedback".

Best of luck.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Spend some time in the Editor's Forum. The help you receive there will be better focused. But be careful even there. Find someone with whom you feel comfortable. http://forum.literotica.com/forumdisplay.php?f=9

 

[PacoFear]

Spend some time in the Editor's Forum. The help you receive there will be better focused. But be careful even there. Find someone with whom you feel comfortable. http://forum.literotica.com/forumdisplay.php?f=9

Or the Story Discussion Circle. Penny & Co. usually have some helpful thoughts and it can be nice to get different viewpoints on the same piece. There's an etiquette to it though. Check the FAQs.

-PF

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

Or the Story Discussion Circle. Penny & Co. usually have some helpful thoughts and it can be nice to get different viewpoints on the same piece. There's an etiquette to it though. Check the FAQs.

-PF

There you go. Follow that route. Good luck.