Just wondering

[Kinkybytch]

To all who are involved into this type of lifestyle (i ask myself this too) just wondering if any of you think that the reason we prefer some out of the ordinary things ( as compared to the people who look at this lifestyle like there is something wrong with it..even though WE know differently and theres not) Do you think that the reason we like our sex lives to be a little more extreme has anything to do with some sort of deep rooted issues as a child? ex.. abuse.
Do you think or have you particularly had a"decent" upbringing and are still into the wilder side? Just curious to see if a "abusive" childhood had anything to do with what your sexual preferances are today?

 

[Bandit58]

I was never abused as a child, but I've always been quiet and shy and yes, submissive. It's a part of my personality and has nothing to do with whether I like kinky sex or not

However this did become my downfall, because I married a domineering bully and stayed with him for 23 years. Now Sir and I have been together for almost 7 years and my submissiveness is a blessing rather than the curse it was in years gone past.

 

[RuReal]

Never been abused have always been a fairly strong personality and went through a lot of anger when I was younger.

 

[kellieanne]

Never

Nope was never abused...I was with someone that enjoyed being dominant and he opened my eyes to the fact that I enjoy being submissive and find it very well it makes me feel even more intense and every thing feels better sexual wise being submissive

 

[Etoile]

No.
....

 

[NomadLady]

I also met someone that was dominant 11 years ago that brought out my natural submissive tendencies....not abused here either and don't think there is a connection.

 

[Seurat]

Nature vs. Nurture debate.

In my case, I would say that upbringing would have a lot to do with the way I am, But I couldn't give you specific instances. Most of the references are gone; I know only what other people have told me.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I was never abused, I grew up in a white-collar upper middle class, two parents who loved each other, 3 siblings, 2 cats kind of "perfect" home environment.

I was raped, but I had my kinky leanings before those events.

 

[wicked woman]

No.

I think the suggestion, in general since the OP isn't the only one to have asked this question, is rooted in trying to explain something that's 'wrong'. That 'normal' people wouldn't be into BDSM. Clearly I disagree with this so am not surprised that for most, the answer would be no.

 

[KoPilot]

Uh... I was bullied as a kid and witnessed a lot of domestic abuse within my mother's second marriage?

I think my submissiveness has mostly to do with a fetish I developed when I was around 6.

 

[CutieMouse]

It's a very common question - "Are people with XYZ [non-standard] sexuality that way because they were abused?"

Take 100 people who experienced trauma, abuse, difficulties, struggles, bullying, or any one of the million negative environmental factors that can occur during childhood/adolescence, and some with end up "kinky" (or gay, or celibate, or slutty, or in healthy relationships, or in unhealthy relationships).

Take 100 people who experienced a childhood/adolescence free of trauma, abuse, difficulties, struggles, bullying, or any one of the million negative environmental factors that can occur, and some with end up "kinky" (or gay, or celibate, or slutty, or in healthy relationships, or in unhealthy relationships).

 

[FurryFury]

Excellent post. I couldn't have said it this well. You rock!

It's a very common question - "Are people with XYZ [non-standard] sexuality that way because they were abused?"

Take 100 people who experienced trauma, abuse, difficulties, struggles, bullying, or any one of the million negative environmental factors that can occur during childhood/adolescence, and some with end up "kinky" (or gay, or celibate, or slutty, or in healthy relationships, or in unhealthy relationships).

Take 100 people who experienced a childhood/adolescence free of trauma, abuse, difficulties, struggles, bullying, or any one of the million negative environmental factors that can occur, and some with end up "kinky" (or gay, or celibate, or slutty, or in healthy relationships, or in unhealthy relationships).

 

[DirtyPet]

My father started sexually abusing me around the age of 5..it turned into forced sex at 11 and lasted till I was 14..

My mother was always emotionally & physically abusive.

I dont know if I would have enjoyed these things anyway but I do like pain, forced and rough sex, but I'm a Dominant submissive so who knows lol

 

[DVS]

I spanked my first female behind when I was about 12 and she was about 10. It's really been too long ago to remember ages. It may have even been earlier. She was a sweet girl in the neighborhood. We lived in a very normal, small mid-western town of less than 2,000 people. We played together and did the normal things neighbor kids did together. But for some reason, I thought her ass was cute and wanted to spank it. I asked and she said OK. She got over my knee, I lifted up her skirt, pulled down her white cotton panties and spanked her ass. I didn't even spank her hard. The sight of that perfect naked ass under the touch of my hand thrilled me. Something within my mind got twisted that day. I was hooked on the female behind for ever more.

I did things to other neighbor girls, too. And they all politely allowed it. Not a one protested, even after she knew what I wanted. We didn't know what we were doing. It wasn't sexual to us, because it would be years before any of us would even utter the word sex. But something in my mind wanted it. Something intrigged me to experiment in a kinky way with the female body...even at that early age.

I grew up in the 50s/60s, before any BDSM porn was even published. I don't even remember seeing any pictures of bondage before the age of 14. I do remember reading stories a little before that, though. I don't think any of us in that neighborhood had been abused, seen abuse or anything of the sort. We were just inquisitive. I guess maybe it was my kinkiness that spoiled the pure thoughts all of the neighbor girls. But I know it wasn't abuse or connected to abuse.

 

[Kinkybytch]

See for me I grew up in a middle class area in a single parent household I never even got so much as a spanking although there is some abuse issues i have encountered as a child but other then that i would say i had it made I was an only child got everything I wanted for me i always felt a little bit different though.
Now here comes my husband who was severly abused mentally emotionally sexually and physically he is somewhat into this lifestyle but I have more an intrest and a liking he is just very curious i gather and only experimented lightly in this area..My whole thing is now finding out ALL of the abuse he has encountered as a child feel almost sorry for him as I am NOT a fan of child abuse. So how would i be able to explore into deeper areas if bdsm with him knowing what hes been through? I dont want to trigger some deep roote issue off for him I want it to be a pleasurable experiance because if he doesnt enjoy it for me IMO I wont be able to enjoy it either and it'll kill the moment for me as well..... What does my LIT family suggest?

 

[Stella_Omega]

We have some fairly knowledgable people who might answer the questions you just asked.

I can tell you that I was never abused as a child. I was never in an abusive relationship and have been kinky since my earliest memories.

My sister was never abused as a child. However, she did seem to attract abusive people-- friends, boyfriends-- for a long time. She has never been kinky, and never will be.

 

[DVS]

See for me I grew up in a middle class area in a single parent household I never even got so much as a spanking although there is some abuse issues i have encountered as a child but other then that i would say i had it made I was an only child got everything I wanted for me i always felt a little bit different though.
Now here comes my husband who was severly abused mentally emotionally sexually and physically he is somewhat into this lifestyle but I have more an intrest and a liking he is just very curious i gather and only experimented lightly in this area..My whole thing is now finding out ALL of the abuse he has encountered as a child feel almost sorry for him as I am NOT a fan of child abuse. So how would i be able to explore into deeper areas if bdsm with him knowing what hes been through? I dont want to trigger some deep roote issue off for him I want it to be a pleasurable experiance because if he doesnt enjoy it for me IMO I wont be able to enjoy it either and it'll kill the moment for me as well..... What does my LIT family suggest?

There are some who have experienced abuse in the past that find their way to the BDSM way of life. Is it related to their past? Maybe with some people it is, but I don't think it is a deciding factor for everybody. I don't think anybody really understands the human mind that well. There are just too many variables involved.

As to your husband's past, I understand how you must feel. But, if he is a little into this type of thing, he has at least found an interest in it. Being drawn to it could be a way for him to understand some inner feelings of his past. I'm not a professional in that area, but it might be possible that he is searching for answers and thinks maybe something in this area will help.

When people ask questions in this forum, we don't know all of the different aspects of what you know, so it's impossible for us to give a lot of input. And there are times when we should only offer suggestions from a friendly point of view. I think this is one of those times.

Also, when people ask questions, we always suggest that people should read up on the topic of interest for themselves. There is so much available on the Internet to read. And if you are seeking answers, never take one source as the one and only. Always try to find conflicting points of view and then decide for yourself what is best for you. Nobody has all of the answers.

And most of all, when someone asks questions here, we stress communication. Two heads are always better than one. And talking to your husband about what he's seeking, what he's thinking about and what troubles him could only pull the two of you closer. And in the process, I'll bet some answers you're seeking might be answered, too.

But, don't leave us out. Now that you've started this conversation, I'm sure there will be others that offer their advice, too. We've got some smart people here and I'm sure some that have had a similar background as your husband.

And, if nothing else, it always helps to talk something out. Even if you don't find an answer, you understand the issues better, once you've vocalized them. And we're always willing to listen.

There is so much on this link that I thought I'd include it for you. If nothing else, you might find something that will help you express what you're feeling. Sexuality.org And the BDSM archive of the site.

 

[CutieMouse]

See for me I grew up in a middle class area in a single parent household I never even got so much as a spanking although there is some abuse issues i have encountered as a child but other then that i would say i had it made I was an only child got everything I wanted for me i always felt a little bit different though.
Now here comes my husband who was severely abused mentally emotionally sexually and physically he is somewhat into this lifestyle but I have more an interest and a liking he is just very curious i gather and only experimented lightly in this area..My whole thing is now finding out ALL of the abuse he has encountered as a child feel almost sorry for him as I am NOT a fan of child abuse. So how would i be able to explore into deeper areas if bdsm with him knowing what hes been through? I don't want to trigger some deep root issue off for him I want it to be a pleasurable experience because if he doesn't enjoy it for me IMO I wont be able to enjoy it either and it'll kill the moment for me as well..... What does my LIT family suggest?

Well, to begin with, I don't think anyone is a fan of child abuse. And (personal opinion), it is far more empowering and supportive to focus on all the things that make your husband the wonderful things he is (including things that may be a byproduct of his abusive past), rather than feel sorry for him. I know that for me people can feel sorry all day long if they like, but it doesn't change anything that happened to me, make it better, or do anything other than remind me that I got royally screwed in the loving parents department. LOL

There may be things you're interested in that he isn't. There may be things that he's interested in that you aren't. You'll have to talk that sort of stuff out and decide what's important and what isn't - some things might be worth compromising on; others not so much.

Some things to think about - Has he had therapy? How self actualized is he/how resolved is his past? Have the two of you discussed what sorts of things are riskier re: triggers than others? What's the overall health of your marriage? How are your communication skills as a couple and individually? Do you trust him to know and own his shit? It all depends on the person and the relationship. Are you sensing a communication theme here?

Example - I have a thing for mindfucks and humiliation/objectification, which, given my own personal background, would probably bother some PYL* types. But I'm also a big girl. I've done a boatload of therapy, I'm very self aware, I'm quite capable of putting stress in this corner, kink in that, and asking for what I want (and processing any fallout myself, instead of spewing it all over my lover). I'm also umm...picky. Difficult. Not easily impressed [and never quick to choose a lover]. So while my brain is probably a sea of minefields... I refuse to let it stop me from curling up in that happy little dark place with a lover - once I'm comfortable enough to do so.

*PYL - Pick Your Label (Dom, Domme, Master, Top)
pyl - (submissive, slave, bottom)

 

[FungiUg]

We've had many a discussion around abuse on here, and I believe there's a library thread than links them all up if you are interested in perusing what has been said.

People like to point at environmental issues (chemicals in the water, childhood abuse, war, pornography) and make a direct "cause-effect" link to something (voting democratic, body mass index, death by heart attack, driving european cars, interest in BDSM).

Sometimes there are links. But usually the links are in the mind of the person with a bug up their butt about an issue. The reality is most of these things are only incidentally related. There will be some cases where they are directly related. There will be some where they are not related at all. I think for most the relationship would be somewhere in the middle ("oh, XYZ was going on, but it didn't lead to ABC").

The reality is that BDSM is nothing new, it's not related to abuse, and the modern social element around BDSM actively discourages abuse (SSC, RACK, etc). Dominance, submission, sadism, masochism, etc are all natural parts of every human. It's just that some of us get off on those elements, and like to play with them.

So yes, you will find some people that have suffered from abuse and are into BDSM. You will also find many who haven't.

For myself, I did go through childhood abuse, and it held me back from exploring BDSM for quite some time until I could mentally get to grips with the fact that hurting/using someone who actively wants that in a safe, controlled manner is quite distinct from abuse.

 

[VelvetSin]

I'm a firm believer that everyone on the planet has a kinky side but most people are just afraid to explore it in any detail for fear of what the neighbors might say. Most people just let the inhibitions and fear of others' opinions rule how far they'll let go of themselves in the bedroom. (I'm not criticizing anyone about doing that since I fit that label until recently and probably still do by some people's measuring tapes.)

In answer to the question though, my family was middle class and normal so I can't help there, but when I was twelve one of my friend's father raped me and scared me silent for months. It happened a few more times before I worked up the nerve to tell someone. Still, I can look back and see many of the things that make me who I am were there long before that happened. I'm not saying it didn't have an affect on *me*, it did. It altered how I reacted to some things and people for a very long time until I was able to heal myself, but I don't think it changed who I ultimately *am*. It took many years and resources to move past, which your husband has hopefully done as well. If I'd thought about trying anything BDSM before I felt whole and complete on my own, I think the results would be much less positive than they have been.

So how would i be able to explore into deeper areas if bdsm with him knowing what hes been through? I dont want to trigger some deep roote issue off for him I want it to be a pleasurable experiance because if he doesnt enjoy it for me IMO I wont be able to enjoy it either and it'll kill the moment for me as well..... What does my LIT family suggest?

Dark events leave emotional scars, that goes without saying. With a trusted partner, even scars can be worked with and do not have to limit the fun. I let that happen far too long, and after finally moving past that barrier, it almost feel like I was still letting my rapist continue to victimize me because I held myself back in fear of a memory.

I'm not a professional or expert and am just getting started, but with a Dom that respects me and knows how I tick, I feel so lucky. He's taking it slowly (and makes it fun, he's a great tease ) and we had a long talk about some uncomfortable details so he can make it a point to avoid anything like what happened. We borrowed a suggestion Stella_Omega made in another thread and the few times he's blindfolded me, he made it very clear I'm with *Him* until the blindfold came off. Above all, we talk a lot lately and he knows me almost better than I know myself (he says he's not a mind reader, but I'm not so sure!) The last few weeks have been fantastic and eye-opening. In the hands of a patient and skilled Dom, it feels *good* to push limits and push aside boundaries and fears that until a few weeks ago I swore were untouchable.