How to tell a boyfriend you want him to dominate you?

[YourPlaydoll]

Well, here's the thing... I've got this D/s fetish and I've known it from my best boyfriends, who mostly shared it so it was great time with them.

However, this guy I'm now dating, is not so much into it. I onced showed him an article in some magazine about D/s, just to see his reaction before confessing my fetish to him. However, he said: "I don't think I could dominate a girl. I could do sub maybe but domination is not for me, I think."

So, I told him I wanted to dominate him and he played the role of the sub well. However, I also want to be the sub sometimes... We do rough sex from time to time, but it's not a proper domination with any roleplay or anything, or any REAL domination, he just does it a bit rougher.

How can I talk to him and conveince him to be a dom? Keep in mind I have only told him yet that I like to be a dom myself, but not that I like to be a sub too. Also I don't think he ever did this before, so how to introduce him to this? Otherwise, he's pretty sexually open, we do a lot of experimenting etc. I just can't seem to get him to be dominative.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Sounds like the issue isn't telling him your fantasies, but rather convincing him to do something he's not that into.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Well, here's the thing... I've got this D/s fetish and I've known it from my best boyfriends, who mostly shared it so it was great time with them.

However, this guy I'm now dating, is not so much into it. I onced showed him an article in some magazine about D/s, just to see his reaction before confessing my fetish to him. However, he said: "I don't think I could dominate a girl. I could do sub maybe but domination is not for me[/B], I think."

So, I told him I wanted to dominate him and he played the role of the sub well. However, I also want to be the sub sometimes... We do rough sex from time to time, but it's not a proper domination with any roleplay or anything, or any REAL domination, he just does it a bit rougher.

How can I talk to him and convince him to be a dom? Keep in mind I have only told him yet that I like to be a dom myself, but not that I like to be a sub too. Also I don't think he ever did this before, so how to introduce him to this? Otherwise, he's pretty sexually open, we do a lot of experimenting etc. I just can't seem to get him to be dominative.

Yeah, you're pretty much beating (so to speak) a dead horse. If he's not open to being dominant, he's not open to it. Not a *fault,* per se, but simply a matter of his wiring. To be frank with you, my advice would be to end the relationship and find someone who can - and WANTS to - be dominant with you, or be willing and interested in switching with you, since you say you dominated him, but you "also want to be the sub sometimes." This isn't "negative" - it's merely realistic. You can't re-wire the guy like you can an electronic device.

Sounds like the issue isn't telling him your fantasies, but rather convincing him to do something he's not that into.

QFT.

 

[Primalex]

How can I talk to him and conveince him to be a dom?

Why don't you convince yourself to be the Dom? Then everything would work, too, in your relationship.

 

[YourPlaydoll]

I am dom sometimes myself too...
And I'm not breaking up with him, I love him and will stay with him even if he doesn't want to be dominant to me. First, we're having a serious relationship that is not based only on sex, and second, I enjoy having sex even if he's not dominant, it's just that I know it could get better if he was.
Well, someone already suggested me how I could try to get him at least a bit dominant, so I'll try that. Maybe it's also due to the fact that D/s is pretty unknown to him for now, so maybe he's just a bit scared/nervous/whatever about it yet.
I was just hoping I could get him do it, but the world isn't going to collapse if he doesn't

 

[RawHumor]

Opinions may vary, but to me, trying to talk someone into being dominant is like trying to talk someone into being gay (or talk them out of either).

If it's not there, it's not there.

If it's there a little, then it's there a little.

 

[Primalex]

Opinions may vary, but to me, trying to talk someone into being dominant is like trying to talk someone into being gay

Well, it's for sure much easier to talk a guy into using a whip than sucking a cock...

 

[sweepthefloor]

Coupe de grace.

 

[YourPlaydoll]

Well, it's for sure much easier to talk a guy into using a whip than sucking a cock...

LOL

Well, I'll try to get him at least a bit dominant, and see how it goes. He doesn't seem really non-dominant person, as he pushes my head down when I suck him so I can get him all in, and sometimes we have rough sex. I just think he refuses to be my absolute master, and he just does little things. Well, I'll see if I can at least talk him into telling me what I've got to do...

 

[infinity706]

Well, it's for sure much easier to talk a guy into using a whip than sucking a cock...

I don't know about that. I've gotten blowjobs from tons of guys. My poor, neglected ass never gets beaten enough, though.

It sounds like you can get him to dominate you on occasion. If you're otherwise happy with your relationship, a little compromise is probably in order. I'm sure there's something he wants that makes you a bit uncomfortable, that you could pony up in exchange. A little sexual harassment in a relationship isn't a huge deal.

 

[richard_daily]

I am dom sometimes myself too...
And I'm not breaking up with him, I love him and will stay with him even if he doesn't want to be dominant to me. First, we're having a serious relationship that is not based only on sex, and second, I enjoy having sex even if he's not dominant, it's just that I know it could get better if he was.
Well, someone already suggested me how I could try to get him at least a bit dominant, so I'll try that. Maybe it's also due to the fact that D/s is pretty unknown to him for now, so maybe he's just a bit scared/nervous/whatever about it yet.
I was just hoping I could get him do it, but the world isn't going to collapse if he doesn't

The world may not collapse, but if you want something that you can't have, you're going to be a fairly miserable person.

I suppose people settle all the time, but I wouldn't really recommend it.

However, if you have had "rough sex" there may yet be hope! Try transferring the things that he does to you that are aggressive into other environments... What does he do "rough"? put his hand on your throat, slap you, spank you? You might be able to use that as a starting point... but it sounds like it very well might be an uphill battle.

 

[teknight]

What you could do is use successive approximations. Don't make him go Dom on you all at once...but encourage him when he is in charge (a bj here and there might help as reinforcement).
And, what are his concerns about dominating you? I'm sure you can address those.

Take your time and I'm sure you'll succeed. Europeans can be very persuasive.

 

[maestro1957]

How to get him to

YourPlayDoll,

My girlfriend told me flat out (while deployed overseas no less) that it was a fantasy for me to dominate her. I have been reading, looking, and shopping since! I think that I would never had even thought in that direction (and we do have a great sex life) so mayble just be blunt. Of course we have been together 5 years. Have fun.

 

[Naturestrikes]

Seriously! I've been through this too, I had to gently tell my boyfriend that as much as I loved being his Mistress, I'd like him to be my Master sometimes too. And ever since trying to be dominant, he prefers to be dominant all the time now!!

You just have to gently remind him that you want to try something different, even if it's just trying him being dominant, and even if he realises he doesn't like it after all...

 

[lyinaboutitall]

I really do think that you are pounding your head against the wall... he sounds submissive. No matter how much you beg, plead, and donate blood and sweat you will not get him to do something that he is not into.

 

[myschyfnmayhem]

My wife wanted me to be more dominant for years I just didn't understand her needs and she had trouble explaining it to me. As I have come to understand being Dominant is not the same as being abusive I am more open to what she desires. Maybe his instinct to protect you is making him be too gentle. Let him know what you want is not abuse in your eyes,its an expression of sexual and emotional desires. Make him see that your submission is how you give yourself and your trust over to him utterly and you feel he is rejecting your most precious gift.

 

[~Haze~]

Sounds like the issue isn't telling him your fantasies, but rather convincing him to do something he's not that into.

Sounds like a marriage made in heaven.

 

[teknight]

Learning new behaviors!

For what she wants, all he needs to do is display the behaviors of a Dom. She's not looking for a 24/7 SM Dom, just wants to be dominated once in awhile. His behavior can be modified, provided proper reinforcement is offered. It might take a bit of time, but, fuck, he might even enjoy it in the end.


That's all there is to it. You're not set in stone, immutable, whatever, unless you think you are.

 

[~Haze~]

Yeah, you're pretty much beating (so to speak) a dead horse. If he's not open to being dominant, he's not open to it. Not a *fault,* per se, but simply a matter of his wiring. To be frank with you, my advice would be to end the relationship and find someone who can - and WANTS to - be dominant with you, or be willing and interested in switching with you, since you say you dominated him, but you "also want to be the sub sometimes." This isn't "negative" - it's merely realistic. You can't re-wire the guy like you can an electronic device.

QFT.

Oh, I don't know if that's necessarily a fair statement. Its pretty common for peoples' sexual personality to evolve & develop & change over time. Over short times - maybe 6 month intervals. This is based on experience, desire, partners, & many other things. When I'm involved with a woman, its pretty common to inch her over her limits & also open up a world of new experiences. People discover as lot about themselves that way & open up a whole new world that they previously knew nothing about. With communication & a little erotic, sensual, sexual motivation, anything is possible.

Also, from what I hear, some people are involved in relationships for reasons other than sex. This might be the case with the OP - as well as the ability to explore her Domme side with her partner. Maybe the best bet is to take on an additional partner rather than dump her current one. Two is usually better than one. I don't know. Food - not to eat, but food for thought.

 

[FungiUg]

How can I talk to him and conveince him to be a dom?.

His words: "I don't think I could dominate a girl. I could do sub maybe but domination is not for me, I think."

The simple answer is "you can't". He's told you he's not into it. Why can't you believe him?

Either accept it, or move on. People don't change (not that dramatically). I'm amazed by how many people seem to think they can change their partners. Not likely. It's obvious from his reply that he already knows what dom and sub are, so this isn't just an education issue.

If this is something you need, find someone who can give it to you. Otherwise put it to the side and enjoy your relationship for what it is and stop stressing about what it isn't.

 

[teknight]

Either accept it, or move on. People don't change (not that dramatically). I'm amazed by how many people seem to think they can change their partners. Not likely. It's obvious from his reply that he already knows what dom and sub are, so this isn't just an education issue.

If this is something you need, find someone who can give it to you. Otherwise put it to the side and enjoy your relationship for what it is and stop stressing about what it isn't.

No. It's a series of behaviors he has to display. He has to act like a Dom. He can learn the behaviors, and he can display them...at which point he might well realize he likes to be a Dom.

It's not a question of getting Dom-boyfriend from nowhere, but the change needn't be that drastic.

 

[FungiUg]

No. It's a series of behaviors he has to display. He has to act like a Dom. He can learn the behaviors, and he can display them...at which point he might well realize he likes to be a Dom.

From my viewpoint, the "behaviour" here is someone who has been told "no, I won't do that" and is pushing for it all the same. Basically they are pushing someone into doing something they don't want to do. That sounds like non-consensuality to me.

This isn't about behaivour. This is about respect. Respecting the fact that he said "no".

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

No. It's a series of behaviors he has to display. He has to act like a Dom. He can learn the behaviors, and he can display them...at which point he might well realize he likes to be a Dom.

It's not a question of getting Dom-boyfriend from nowhere, but the change needn't be that drastic.

And what if he realises he doesn't?

He's miserable playing a role he doesn't care for, and she's miserable because doesn't have her 'dom.'

It's pretty sucktacular, trying to make someone change when they don't want to.

 

[teknight]

Respect?

You guys speak of respect, and, of course it's important. But, have any of you studied psychology (and by that I mean, got a degree in it)?
No? Then, you don't know what I'm talking about.
Behavior modification is easy. It's not a dirty trick. It's not going to make him miserable, because, in order for him to adopt these new behaviors, he's going to have to be reinforced for them. He's going to have to like what's going on.
"But he can't possibly like them, 'cause human nature is immutable." That very well might be, I'll grant you that. But, he would be receiving his reinforcement from her pleasure-or are you saying that he wouldn't like to pleasure her?

The other thing you don't seem to understand is that this change in behavior, him adopting these new behaviors (in bed) would occur over a longer period of time (I'm guesstimating, but, say 3-6 months). It's not flicking a switch to get him to change.

Is there a chance that he'd dislike it? Sure, absolutely. But, he'd be giving her pleasure...so he'd have to be some special kind of soul to not like giving her pleasure.

For the last time: the only thing she's asking for is that he play the dominant party for sex once in awhile. She's not asking that he become UberDom, complete with fully equipped dungeon and a sadist streak, only that she play a part, like an actor. You do know that the guys that play Hitler in movies and plays are not (necessarily) Nazis, right?

 

[FungiUg]

Behavior modification is easy. It's not a dirty trick.

Firstly, you are talking about someone who has not consented to behaivour modification. I don't care if you have a degree in psychology or not, that is still not good. If we were talking about a child, there would be a grey area. He is not a child. He is an informed, non-consenting adult. He knows what submissive and dominant behaivours are, and he has said no.

If he changes his mind, that's a different matter. So there could be a cause for continued education in that hope.

If he wishes to roleplay as a dominant, that's his choice (the equivalent of an actor). I wouldn't regard a behaivour modification programme as a form of acting though. Generally you are talking about long-term or permanent changes.

Somehow I suspect if you went up before a medical ethics review and said "I recommended a behaivour modification programme to an unaware adult after he had already said he didn't want to do it" you would get the same effect as how I am feeling about you telling me you have a degree in psychology and don't care about whether someone is consenting.

Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should.

Secondly, there is more to domination than just behaivours. There is a psychology to it (as you should be well aware). Yes, you can change behaivours so he can act dominant. But the chances are you can't inspire the joy and glee that dominants feel when they are in their space. While I am all for submissives learning to please their partners, you are basically saying that a submissive can become a dominant just by acting in certain ways. I don't agree.

Thirdly, you are encouraging someone to create a submissive role for herself by engaging in behaivour modification of her partner to form a dominant. Y'wot? How does he become the dominant by doing what he's told? That sounds like a recipe for seriously fucked up headspace to me. I mean, how is she going to submit when she knows that he is just doing what he's been told to do?

On a personal note, I have a degree. But I don't pretend to know everything about what I have a degree in, nor do I assume that people without a similar degree know nothing about the subject. As it happens I have studied some behaivour modification techniques (CBT in particular). I'm not talking about the fact that you can change his behaivour (you can). I am talking about ethics. Just because you have a degree in psychology doesn't allow you to ignore consensuality.