First Story

[PenforPrez]

So the first story I ever submitted was recently accepted here on Lit. I'd just like some feedback from anyone who would care to give it a critique.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=487343

This was kind of a big deal because I had never finished a story before. When I did finish this one, I was afraid to do anything else to it. But I imagine it could use improvement, and I would like to submit more and better stories in the future.

Thanks for any input!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I always get my ass whupped by the pilot for advising newbie writers to avoid first person. I would also add, avoid present tense, unless you’re in a chatroom. You prove the point:

I cup your face with my hand and give you a deep kiss. Long, languorous, full of feeling and passion. I look into your eyes and say,"I've always dreamed of this moment. I want you, now."

Your anxious pussy quivers and squirts gently into your panties. You've wanted this too, for a long time. You're dying to feel my hands caress your firm breasts, my tongue on your throbbing clit, my erection inside you, exploring your most secret of places.

If you write in first person, you have not the slightest idea if her pussy is quivering, squirting or landing on Mars. You hope she wants you to fuck her but you cannot write from inside her head whilst you stay in first person point of view.

Present tense also pushes us readers out – it reads like a love note or a text.

This has no sexual development, it is just a stroke piece without any characterization.

Sorry.

 

[shareman2010]

so amazing !!

 

[sr71plt]

I agree that you can't effectively (shouldn't) be in both heads in first person. (But, then, it's lazy writing--and not currently popular, at least in American market--to do it in third person either). In either case, it distances the reader from the experience--which, in erotica, is going in the wrong direction.

Tense has nothing, really, to do with any of this, though. The problem with first tense is that that it becomes a strain for both the writer and reader to sustain. But if it's done right, it's just fine. I've recently read an advance copy of a book being published by Putnam that is completely in first person, and I didn't really notice it was until I was reaching the end--and then it all seemed so natural. The end of the book is marked by the narrator's death--so, naturally, it couldn't have been written in the past tense.

 

[PacoFear]

You lost me at "Your anxious pussy quivers and squirts gently into your panties."

 

[PenforPrez]

If you write in first person, you have not the slightest idea if her pussy is quivering, squirting or landing on Mars. You hope she wants you to fuck her but you cannot write from inside her head whilst you stay in first person point of view.

Present tense also pushes us readers out – it reads like a love note or a text.

This has no sexual development, it is just a stroke piece without any characterization.

Sorry.

I figured I'd missed something and that was it. That is a very good point. How could this be improved?

You lost me at "Your anxious pussy quivers and squirts gently into your panties."

How so?

 

[PacoFear]

You lost me at "Your anxious pussy quivers and squirts gently into your panties."

How so?

I don't want to beat you up about this, I'm just letting you know where in your story one reader, me, scooted his mouse up to click the back button. It's a sort of flag on the field, suggesting you might consider retooling that portion a bit.

I'll try to parse this a little though.

Trouble loomed the moment the dubious construct "your pussy" was invoked for each of the perspective reasons e_o rose so studiously set forth above. The narrator goes on to presume to know this pussy's condition and worsens things further by describing that condition as "anxious." An anxious pussy? It's an awful description. "Squirts gently" isn't helping much either.

Don't get me wrong, if you like it, keep it. It's your story after all and that's the beauty of this thing we're all doing here.

Cheers,

-PF

 

[sr71plt]

I figured I'd missed something and that was it. That is a very good point. How could this be improved?

Do it from a single perspective--or from the two perspectives in separate sections. Whether first or third person isn't really the problem/point.