Questions about submissiveness

[vintage63]

I wonder if anyone has experienced this or has any insight for me.

My Dom and I recently ended our relationship. This was my first experience and it was a growing experience and perfect. I felt completely submissive to him once we grew together.

Now I am pondering all of it as I go forward. I am wondering if I am truly submissive or is it that he was just the perfect Dom for me and so was able to grow me? I know it's probably because the break up is so new and still quite painful but I can't imagine at this point feeling that deeply connected again and being able to feel so submissive.

Anyone feel this?

cheers

 

[acynlacy]

Beats me.

 

[sweepthefloor]

It is the Bee Sting Theory

I don't know, I feel submissive and have never been controlled or submissive to anyone.

I would guess that it is different for everyone. I just know my nature. I have become my own lover and submit to my mind. In ways, that I could explain, but this is about you.

Maybe you just loved him, but it won't matter once the pain goes away, you will figure it out.

And if you are hurting, the hurt will end, it always does. It is the bee sting theory: If it hurts that bad, just go whack a bee hive with a baseball bat and get stung by 50 bees. The other hurt won't hurt anymore. No, don't really do that, it is just an analogy.

I know it may be hard, I have not been there, but I can empathize. Get out your bootstraps and pull them up.

 

[GoldunAngel]

i think it's just like any other relationship. After a breakup no one is ever sure they'll feel the same way again with anyone else. Time heals everything..yes i know a cliche, but true. As far as you being submissive. You are the only one that can answer that question. Deep down inside you know if you are one. i just recently "found" my submissive side, but if you look back in your life, you will see evidence that this is who you are.
Good luck!

 

[Netzach]

I wonder if anyone has experienced this or has any insight for me.

My Dom and I recently ended our relationship. This was my first experience and it was a growing experience and perfect. I felt completely submissive to him once we grew together.

Now I am pondering all of it as I go forward. I am wondering if I am truly submissive or is it that he was just the perfect Dom for me and so was able to grow me? I know it's probably because the break up is so new and still quite painful but I can't imagine at this point feeling that deeply connected again and being able to feel so submissive.

Anyone feel this?

cheers

Some people are that person-specific and many are not. You might not feel like that again, but you might.

Can you imagine feeling that deeply connected but having no desire to be submissive? That might indicate.

 

[YourCaptor]

I wonder if anyone has experienced this or has any insight for me.

My Dom and I recently ended our relationship. This was my first experience and it was a growing experience and perfect. I felt completely submissive to him once we grew together.

Now I am pondering all of it as I go forward. I am wondering if I am truly submissive or is it that he was just the perfect Dom for me and so was able to grow me? I know it's probably because the break up is so new and still quite painful but I can't imagine at this point feeling that deeply connected again and being able to feel so submissive.

Anyone feel this?

cheers

Its a good question, but I think you are asking it wrong.

I'm 100% certain you can feel that intensity again, and more.

Question is will you every again find yourself in a situation that will facilitate that kind of emotion.

How you approach that question, from what discipline, is up to you.

I would actually recommend you look into Buddhism. In my words Buddhism is all about how to get past the discontent in life. And I think basically Buddhas answer was that it simply comes down to how we chose to perceive life.

So in short, it's possible, and you can do your part to facilitate that second chance.

If that makes any sense.

 

[Black_Bunny]

I read somewhere, I'm sure it was another thread on here, about 'inspired' submissives and 'instinctual' submissive. Inspired means the person you are with inspires the submission in you, you only feel submissive to them, and often you didn't know you had a submissive side until you met them. Instinctual means it is part of your makeup, your mind, it's the way you work best, whomever you may be in a relationship with. I wouldn't worry too much about your submissiveness disappearing; if it is the way you work best then you will find yourself being submissive when the next suitable Dominant comes along.

The submissiveness is in you... a good partner may bring it out, but it is you that holds it, that controls it and expresses it.


Concentrate on healing and looking after yourself

 

[JMohegan]

I wonder if anyone has experienced this or has any insight for me.

My Dom and I recently ended our relationship. This was my first experience and it was a growing experience and perfect. I felt completely submissive to him once we grew together.

Now I am pondering all of it as I go forward. I am wondering if I am truly submissive or is it that he was just the perfect Dom for me and so was able to grow me? I know it's probably because the break up is so new and still quite painful but I can't imagine at this point feeling that deeply connected again and being able to feel so submissive.

Anyone feel this?

cheers

If your relationship had been "perfect," it would not have ended.

Many "deep connections" that people describe seem largely fantasy based. Which is not to say that the emotions don't exist, but rather that the image of one's partner is largely created by fantasy-based filling in of the gaps that exist when you don't actually know a person well.

 

[vintage63]

Thanks you all for your insights. I would think by reading it in that I am instinctually submissive and with the right Dom it can be brought out. I think I wil heal and then think about how to find that. I know I need that feeling again that I had on my knees.

I don't believe it was not perfect because it ended. Life had outside circumstances that sometimes get in the way. Just how it is. And can you have a deep connection and it not be fantasy. Sure. Ask the Buddist

cheers

 

[FreakMyWhatNow]

I recently broke up with my first Dom. It was devestating. I found myself questioning everything I had done and why I had done it. And wondered if would I do it again...

I knew that I wanted the sub/Dom thing again.

It's kind of like finding the perfect partner for you... Just the same as it is for everyone else. It's hard to find "the one".

Explore your world! You may not always be a sub... Maybe you just carve your own path??

Most importantly, take time to heal first.

 

[vintage63]

I recently broke up with my first Dom. It was devestating. I found myself questioning everything I had done and why I had done it. And wondered if would I do it again...

I knew that I wanted the sub/Dom thing again.

It's kind of like finding the perfect partner for you... Just the same as it is for everyone else. It's hard to find "the one".

Explore your world! You may not always be a sub... Maybe you just carve your own path??

Most importantly, take time to heal first.

Thank you for your words. I know in my heart I have to heal. I feel like when I was young and healing from my first BF. I will heal and then figure it out. I just can't imagine not feeling this again.

 

[fotodom]

@vintage63
I'm impressed that you're so clear about your perceptions and your questions with the breakup being so recent. This speaks well of your innate stability IMO.
I believe that things can be 'perfect' yet have an ending, in the sense we mean that in current terms of relationships. It seems to me that this was a growing/learning step for you, and it brought out something in you that you did not realize before. In that sense it Was perfect, for its time and its place. Happily ever after is, um, in Disneyland.

"...wondering if I am truly submissive or is it that he was just the perfect Dom for me ..." I think there needn't be an 'or' in there, that there were elements of both.
I'd also suggest dispensing with any notion of 'true submissive'. This exists in trashy novels and in the minds of online 'Masters' and 'slaves'. What is important is You, and how You feel. It seems this relationship and this way of feeling is something that has meant a great deal to you, and now taking some time to research, listen, remain open (which can be hella hard but is vital) and use every bit of patience and kindness towards yourself that you can muster. Some things will become more clear as time goes on, but now is the time to pay attention as in times of difficulty and challenge is when deep things can be seen and lessons can be learned.

Um, I guess I should mention that I'm new here but not at all new to D/s.

No, at this time you Can't imagine doing this with someone else; it was deep and new and remarkable, passionate in ways you did not know of, and possibly even essential to your makeup. This is what you can dwell on, take what you may from it, and see the truth of what was.
There are quite a few good books and websites with good info. Keep your eyes open, listen but don't take anything at face value. And again, be kind to yourself.

Best

Jerry

 

[vintage63]

@vintage63
It seems this relationship and this way of feeling is something that has meant a great deal to you, and now taking some time to research, listen, remain open (which can be hella hard but is vital) and use every bit of patience and kindness towards yourself that you can muster. Some things will become more clear as time goes on, but now is the time to pay attention as in times of difficulty and challenge is when deep things can be seen and lessons can be learned.

Jerry

Thank you Jerry. Everything you have said makes sense to me and I will just sit with my journey for now. I will stay here and read be with my feelings till I know it's time to move again.

I am sure you makes someone very happy.
CJ

 

[NomadLady]

Time..

CJ,
I had a my first dom/sub relationship in 1999, it was so wonderful that I never really thought it could or would happen again. Two months ago I met someone that is a dom and it's been awesome all over again...

Time has a way of healing...

D

 

[where]

I read somewhere, I'm sure it was another thread on here, about 'inspired' submissives and 'instinctual' submissive. Inspired means the person you are with inspires the submission in you, you only feel submissive to them, and often you didn't know you had a submissive side until you met them. Instinctual means it is part of your makeup, your mind, it's the way you work best, whomever you may be in a relationship with. I wouldn't worry too much about your submissiveness disappearing; if it is the way you work best then you will find yourself being submissive when the next suitable Dominant comes along.

The submissiveness is in you... a good partner may bring it out, but it is you that holds it, that controls it and expresses it.


Concentrate on healing and looking after yourself

this makes sense to me. I think I must be an 'inspired' type of maybe possible submissive.

 

[LunachickXXX]

I felt this way, but as a switch being with another switch (and both of us were Geminis...a recipe for instability)... I thought we had the "perfect" relationship while it was happening, and then we split up for a while due to an inability to grow further without hurting the other person (emotionally)...I felt like there was a mirror constantly being flipped between us, he was always the inverse of me, and I of him...it was, balanced... but came with its own flavor of chaos.

The feelings mimic that of any break-up... there was a status quo, which you were happy with, and now you wonder how you can be a good "s" without your "D". This is a self-identity issue I think. It's like the ying wondering where the yang went, and if it's still a ying once the yang is gone (sorry, if that's a strange way to visualize the sentiment... I tend to think in analogies or symbolically lol). You may think that it was the perfect fit, but you'll soon see that when you re-discover those feelings again (and you will, when you're ready..and it helps to prepare yourself to be ready and not shut out new opportunities) your "shape" may change ever so slightly. You may grow into or out of something you were formerly so involved in, and eventually you'll find a new situation. My best advice is be honest and open, yet think critically...it will filter out the bullshit and only that which truly satisfies you will shine through.

 

[lyinaboutitall]

aww Hun...that is awful. Sorry to hear that. But yes you will move on...and it will be better than the first. You know what you lkie and what you need, keep your eye open.