Living in a D/s relationship 24/7

[Bette_coquette]

This sounds exhausting. How does this work for you? Dom/mes, does this life choice wear you out? I am considering having my submissive move into my spare room. He wants this badly. I'm skeptical that it would work. Thoughts? Experiences? Suggestions should we do this?

 

[intothewoods]

Depends on whether you two are on the same page as far as what 24/7 will look like. It works for us just fine, but it wouldn't work if he wanted a different kind of relationship.

 

[Bette_coquette]

Depends on whether you two are on the same page as far as what 24/7 will look like. It works for us just fine, but it wouldn't work if he wanted a different kind of relationship.

What could it look like?

Let me clarify a little bit. My submissive could be happy living on his hands and knees the entire time he's in my presence. For me, this would grow old. I've never lived in a D/s relationship 24/7. I read of others on this board (mostly subs) in a live-in D/s relationship and they seem to get on fine. I just can't imagine my submissive expecting me to order him around constantly. Bleh.

 

[JMohegan]

This sounds exhausting. How does this work for you? Dom/mes, does this life choice wear you out? I am considering having my submissive move into my spare room. He wants this badly. I'm skeptical that it would work. Thoughts? Experiences? Suggestions should we do this?

It would be a hell of a lot more exhausting for me if I were not in control. I'm into the explicitly agreed upon control dynamic precisely because control makes me feel relaxed, content, satisfied, aroused, and so on. For me, this is a personality thing, not an on/off, preference when I'm in the mood for it, thing.

 

[FloggingMolly]

I don't know about anyone else, but for us, it looks similar to before, but I am more respectful to him. We still go to work, run errands, eat etc fairly much the same, though modifications such as him choosing what I cook or wear happen now and then. But then we have lived together 10 years already

 

[JMohegan]

What could it look like?

Let me clarify a little bit. My submissive could be happy living on his hands and knees the entire time he's in my presence. For me, this would grow old. I've never lived in a D/s relationship 24/7. I read of others on this board (mostly subs) in a live-in D/s relationship and they seem to get on fine. I just can't imagine my submissive expecting me to order him around constantly. Bleh.

If you're in control, to me that means that you tell him to get on his hands and knees when you want him that way, tell him to get up if he's down and you don't want him that way, and just let him do whatever the hell he wants to do when you have no preference one way or the other.

To me, being in control 24/7 doesn't mean ordering an s around constantly. It means I get to issue orders when I want to issue orders, and when I do I expect them to be obeyed.

 

[CutieMouse]

What could it look like?

Let me clarify a little bit. My submissive could be happy living on his hands and knees the entire time he's in my presence. For me, this would grow old. I've never lived in a D/s relationship 24/7. I read of others on this board (mostly subs) in a live-in D/s relationship and they seem to get on fine. I just can't imagine my submissive expecting me to order him around constantly. Bleh.

I would argue that if your submissive is expecting 24/7 to mean you ordering him around/him living on his hands and knees every minute of the day, and you don't... he would be controlling the environment far more than you.

*My* version of 24/7 means a lover utilizing my skills, assets and presence to the best of their ability [I view submission through a pretty heavy service oriented lens]; the sexual aspect means he gets what he wants, when and he wants it. Period. For me, a 24/7 D/s living arrangement wouldn't be any more or less exhausting than living with a spouse or lover (and I'd not enter a living together arrangement with anyone who saw it differently than that); I suspect most successful 24/7 arrangements are similar.

 

[Bette_coquette]

It would be a hell of a lot more exhausting for me if I were not in control. I'm into the explicitly agreed upon control dynamic precisely because control makes me feel relaxed, content, satisfied, aroused, and so on. For me, this is a personality thing, not an on/off, preference when I'm in the mood for it, thing.

I don't know about anyone else, but for us, it looks similar to before, but I am more respectful to him. We still go to work, run errands, eat etc fairly much the same, though modifications such as him choosing what I cook or wear happen now and then. But then we have lived together 10 years already

This I can understand. It's so normal, with control placed where it's needed. He came over the other night to watch a ball game with me. He was crabby and snipped at everything I had to say. I finally put him on his elbows and knees in front of me for a footstool. He couldn't place his feet or forearms on the floor until the end of the inning, which lucky for me dragged on forever. I suppose I could expect moments of correction for his behavior, but I'd be plum worn out if I had to correct him constantly. I couldn't imagine living that way day and night.

 

[Bette_coquette]

I would argue that if your submissive is expecting 24/7 to mean you ordering him around/him living on his hands and knees every minute of the day, and you don't... he would be controlling the environment far more than you.

*My* version of 24/7 means a lover utilizing my skills, assets and presence to the best of their ability [I view submission through a pretty heavy service oriented lens]; the sexual aspect means he gets what he wants, when and he wants it. Period. For me, a 24/7 D/s living arrangement wouldn't be any more or less exhausting than living with a spouse or lover (and I'd not enter a living together arrangement with anyone who saw it differently than that); I suspect most successful 24/7 arrangements are similar.

He and I touched on the "lifestyle" aspect of living together in conversation recently. I think we need to really discuss this, our expectations and desires, openly so there are no surprises or disappointments. As much as I would love to have him serving me in every way, I don't know if he's up to that task. In his professional life, he's a manager and has people serving him. I was surprised to find he's so amazingly submissive in his personal life.

 

[intothewoods]

What could it look like?

Let me clarify a little bit. My submissive could be happy living on his hands and knees the entire time he's in my presence. For me, this would grow old. I've never lived in a D/s relationship 24/7. I read of others on this board (mostly subs) in a live-in D/s relationship and they seem to get on fine. I just can't imagine my submissive expecting me to order him around constantly. Bleh.

This I can understand. It's so normal, with control placed where it's needed. He came over the other night to watch a ball game with me. He was crabby and snipped at everything I had to say. I finally put him on his elbows and knees in front of me for a footstool. He couldn't place his feet or forearms on the floor until the end of the inning, which lucky for me dragged on forever. I suppose I could expect moments of correction for his behavior, but I'd be plum worn out if I had to correct him constantly. I couldn't imagine living that way day and night.

Danger Will Robinson! I think if he's expecting to move in and have you give him constant attention all the time, and the idea of that exhausts you, we're talking recipe for disaster.

How long have you two been together?

In our house, I don't have to be corrected constantly. That would annoy the shit out of him. He has certain needs/desires he wants satisfied regularly - sex, food, you know, the important stuff -- and then he is the final word on things when he wants to be. And that's not all the time. Lots of things he could care less about. But then I'll hit on something that he does care about and it's like, I handle that, you're going to do x, etc.

 

[Bette_coquette]

Danger Will Robinson! I think if he's expecting to move in and have you give him constant attention all the time, and the idea of that exhausts you, we're talking recipe for disaster.

How long have you two been together?

We've been together as a couple since February. I've known him, meaning in person, not an internet meeting, for 5 years, as I mentioned.

I sent him an email and at present we are discussing all of this. I sometimes prefer to write down my thoughts rather than pick up the phone and talk. We'll get together next week and talk face-to-face in more detail about this. I really don't want to ruin an otherwise great thing for either of us.

Should he move in, it won't happen until September at the earliest. He'd share my bed when I felt like it, but he'd have his own room and bathroom.

It's weird, I know. I love my own space and especially my own bathroom.

Were I living a vanilla life, this is someone I would be seeing as a "fine catch." There are so many facets to him that I enjoy, admire, and generally find greatly attractive. He's employed, has a management position, handles a vast amount of responsibility in his workplace, takes pride in his level of health and fitness, is educated, is a great guy overall, and has this other side of him that fulfills a need in me to control, be demanding of, and enjoy at my discretion. It all seems too good to be true. I don't want to fuck it up.

 

[Netzach]

This sounds exhausting. How does this work for you? Dom/mes, does this life choice wear you out? I am considering having my submissive move into my spare room. He wants this badly. I'm skeptical that it would work. Thoughts? Experiences? Suggestions should we do this?

This life choice doesn't wear me out, but life sometimes can. Shit happens. Does it ever.

If this person is going to be a supportive force no matter what, first and foremost, then you're good. If you are going to feel bad about a change in dynamic or play (whether he does or not, even) then you may benefit from a little more personal space and less of a partnership model.

If your submissive is a friend lover boyfriend above all else, it can work through whatever dynamic shifts may occur. If he's submissive above all else and you're a private person, I suggest a short walk from your place. But I'm in the minority on this opinion.

My spouse is submissive to me, but it's VERY informal and more like partners with that power dynamic naturally in the vanilla world, and kinky fuckers in bed.

My slave is a friend, and has never shown impatience with some LONG dry spells in overt powerplay because of illness and problems in my life that I need to address for myself - but I know that there's a sense of boundary I want to maintain with him - exposure to the total mundane grind of my life all the time would just annoy both of us. That doesn't mean he hasn't flown out and helped when I was sick and I can't rely on him either. It's hard to explain. He's an enormous help to me, but I believe that subtle boundaries keep it that way.

If you're feeling unease about it, I'd say it's best to continue the communications on the subject before making the move. What does he expect, what do you expect?

 

[Netzach]

If you're in control, to me that means that you tell him to get on his hands and knees when you want him that way, tell him to get up if he's down and you don't want him that way, and just let him do whatever the hell he wants to do when you have no preference one way or the other.

To me, being in control 24/7 doesn't mean ordering an s around constantly. It means I get to issue orders when I want to issue orders, and when I do I expect them to be obeyed.

This is what it means to me, too. It's the in-between periods that even some truly S types can struggle with and it hurts to feel like you're disappointing someone even if you are in control.

 

[Netzach]

This I can understand. It's so normal, with control placed where it's needed. He came over the other night to watch a ball game with me. He was crabby and snipped at everything I had to say. I finally put him on his elbows and knees in front of me for a footstool. He couldn't place his feet or forearms on the floor until the end of the inning, which lucky for me dragged on forever. I suppose I could expect moments of correction for his behavior, but I'd be plum worn out if I had to correct him constantly. I couldn't imagine living that way day and night.

Hmmmm.

I don't like that style of getting a scene, to each their own. But it's food for thought, if you're modifying your behavior around his in ways you don't like.

 

[Bette_coquette]

If this person is going to be a supportive force no matter what, first and foremost, then you're good. If you are going to feel bad about a change in dynamic or play (whether he does or not, even) then you may benefit from a little more personal space and less of a partnership model.

If your submissive is a friend lover boyfriend above all else, it can work through whatever dynamic shifts may occur. If he's submissive above all else and you're a private person, I suggest a short walk from your place. But I'm in the minority on this opinion.

If you're feeling unease about it, I'd say it's best to continue the communications on the subject before making the move. What does he expect, what do you expect?

I'm not clear what you mean by the bolded statement. Could you please explain?

He wants this as badly as I do. I don't want to be smothered, though, and in our newfound role as D/s partners, I want to make sure this won't happen. The last thing I need is for him to suddenly become neeeeeedy. I'd have to put his bed in the garage.

As a sub, he's currently perfect. As a man in the vanilla world, he's fun to watch and see him work his magic on those around him.

I appreciate all the opinions, experiences and suggestions. This gives me a lot to think about. Foremost, I feel a responsibility to him. I don't want this to end in tragic disappointment for either of us.

 

[Netzach]

I'm not clear what you mean by the bolded statement. Could you please explain?

He wants this as badly as I do. I don't want to be smothered, though, and in our newfound role as D/s partners, I want to make sure this won't happen. The last thing I need is for him to suddenly become neeeeeedy. I'd have to put his bed in the garage.

As a sub, he's currently perfect. As a man in the vanilla world, he's fun to watch and see him work his magic on those around him.

I appreciate all the opinions, experiences and suggestions. This gives me a lot to think about. Foremost, I feel a responsibility to him. I don't want this to end in tragic disappointment for either of us.

Sorry, I meant it literally. I suggest bringing him to move to a place a short walk from yours, not too short and not too long. Overnightable, but still his own place. You can make it sparse like a "kennel" even.

 

[Bette_coquette]

Hmmmm.

I don't like that style of getting a scene, to each their own. But it's food for thought, if you're modifying your behavior around his in ways you don't like.

I have never been so immersed in this kind of lifestyle and I honestly don't know what to expect. So, what you're saying is, he fabulously manipulated me and I fell right into it.

 

[Bette_coquette]

Sorry, I meant it literally. I suggest bringing him to move to a place a short walk from yours, not too short and not too long. Overnightable, but still his own place. You can make it sparse like a "kennel" even.

Oh, I see. We have discussed this alternative plan. I will continue to keep it as a possibility.

 

[Netzach]

I have never been so immersed in this kind of lifestyle and I honestly don't know what to expect. So, what you're saying is, he fabulously manipulated me and I fell right into it.

If you liked it, you just responded to a cue and call it hunky dory. I do this kind of thing all the time - M wiggles his ass, I smack it, there's nothing wrong with that if I'm cognizant that I'm choosing it.

If you were sitting there going "this is all well and good, but really I don't want to be doing this" then you just said it, not I. It's a shitty feeling, and I've been there too going "wait a minute..."

It's all dependent on how it makes you feel. If you are feeling irked at all, or depleted at all, you need to be honest with yourself and with him.

 

[satindesire]

This I can understand. It's so normal, with control placed where it's needed. He came over the other night to watch a ball game with me. He was crabby and snipped at everything I had to say. I finally put him on his elbows and knees in front of me for a footstool. He couldn't place his feet or forearms on the floor until the end of the inning, which lucky for me dragged on forever. I suppose I could expect moments of correction for his behavior, but I'd be plum worn out if I had to correct him constantly. I couldn't imagine living that way day and night.

No offense sugar...but...He doesn't sound like a good Sub, he sounds like a whiny immature little brat.

 

[Bette_coquette]

No offense sugar...but...He doesn't sound like a good Sub, he sounds like a whiny immature little brat.

And that's wrong why? Gives me something to work with. If he were Mr. Perfect, I'd never be interested in him. He's learning, I'm learning. It's all good.

 

[BiBunny]

And that's wrong why? Gives me something to work with. If he were Mr. Perfect, I'd never be interested in him. He's learning, I'm learning. It's all good.

Because you just said that the thought of dealing with it 24/7 exhausted you?

 

[satindesire]

Because you just said that the thought of dealing with it 24/7 exhausted you?

Ed Zachery!

 

[Bette_coquette]

Because you just said that the thought of dealing with it 24/7 exhausted you?

Yep. You make a very good point, one I brought up myself (duh). More to consider.

 

[niv78]

I think it's important to have a good and strong relationship with someone before you move a relationship to a 24/7, especially if it's with someone you love. I have never been in a 24/7, but I imagine it would be close to a normal relationship, we both work, we have our hobbies that we do on our own and also do together etc, but there would always be that situational awareness that she is my submissive and that creates enough of an evironment to create the 24/7 with all the fun nuances thrown in.