Maybe my formatting is not so interesting?

[TheLovelyLickerish1]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=482813

So this is my latest story. Pretty hot, if you ask me, and it has some good ratings but not a lot of votes. I wonder sometimes, since all my stories kind of follow the same formatting, if it's that that's not so interesting or the stories themselves. I'd like to qualify for the contests, but I never seem to hit 50 votes. I'm close... sooooo close.

I like some buildup. Not three pages worth. I've gotten annoyed with some stories (Sorry, people) that have ages and ages and pages of backstory and then finally some sex. I try to give some background, but not always, because it just depends on what mood I'm in when I'm writing. Some of my stories are just BAM! sex, and some have pretty good bit of background, usually just enough to give a feel for my characters.

I find that I do some background, some teasing, a little backing off, then when I hit the sex scene, I get in, done, and out. Maybe I need more of something? I'd like to think I write pretty well for an amateur, and I have a good grasp of the language, which makes for easier reading, but I get a little sad when I check my submission page and there's not a lot of activity. I guess we all want to inspire, and I don't want my fellow readers and writers to miss out on what I think is some hotness.

My stories are usually anal or BDSM, I like a Loving Wives every now and then. I have a pretty interesting schoolgirl one going now, but I'm not finished. It's one of the few that I'm writing in more than one sitting.

I wish there were a better search option. I wrote a BDSM once that had some anal in it and a reader wigged out and sent me some really nasty feedback about how that's not what they wanted when reading a BDSM.

Let me know what I need, I can handle honest criticism.

 

[_Lynn_]

All right, I gave it a quick read.

You need to look for alternatives for all those nasty 'ly' adverbs. tightly, lightly, instantly, suddenly . . . Sentences become stronger without them. Think of them as the lazy way of writing and lose them.

There's an excessive amount of sentences beginning with she/he. Using them so often becomes boring. Mix up the sentences to eliminate those starts and you'll find the piece reads better.

Some authors can write a piece without dialogue. Your scene needs it. Consider what's happening. Would two people go through that type of action without speaking in real life? Also, dialogue goes into a new paragraph, not lost in the middle of narrative.

As a stroke piece it did nothing for me, and because this was so short, I never learned anything about the characters. They don't even have names. Building on who they are can help a great deal. There's no plot, and the first paragraph lacks anything close to resembling a hook. If I opened this story to read for enjoyment, I would back click after a paragraph or two.

Just my opinion.

 

[TheLovelyLickerish1]

Very constructive!

I think because I'm not much of a sex talker, I don't do a lot of dialogue. If you read any of my other work (and, given your op, you probably wouldn't enjoy it, except maybe Running Late), you'll see there's never much.

I did drop what line I did have right in the middle; will watch for that in the future.

Maybe it's a matter of writing for myself more than for others; the most recent one even states as a foreword that it's cathartic. Knowing what I want and what's going on in my life, I suppose I don't need so much background, and writing is probably more of just exercising my demons than anything. Really, who in my life can I say these things to?

Until recently, doing the 'he said THAT he wanted to...' instead of 'he said he wanted to...' thing was a habit as well, but having someone schooled in a different region of the country proofread a letter partially broke me of it. It was pretty typical to put THAT into everything we wrote in school, and our teachers never corrected us. Never having had a formal class on writing probably didn't help.

Thank you for the feedback. I'm looking forward to fleshing out (no pun intended) my next story and making it a truly enjoyable read.

 

[PacoFear]

Hi Lovely,

The Mistress rose has put her finger on the big points holding your story back. I'm chiming in to second her thoughts and to offer my (no doubt half-assed) perspective on the Literotica scene.

As best I can tell, context is king here. More than most story sites, Lit's readers are interested in the "why" of their smut. It's that "why" - the character development and immersion - that written smut offers in contrast with the instant gratification of video porn clips available everywhere nowadays. Frankly I like the Lit. folks. If we were all just pecking out one-act sex scenes, the last ten years would have gotten repetitive and this place would have dried up and died off. Ever notice how lifeless some other story sites are?

You craft a solid graphic sex scene, Lovely, but to pull in the votes and comments you're hoping for, I think you'll need to supply more "why." The Litsters crave more character development and more interaction between your characters than the exchange, albeit gleeful, of their bodily fluids.

Keep trying. Don't give up. IMHO you've got some chops.

-PF

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi Lovely,

I agree totally with Lynn and Paco's advice. My, probably useless, take is how you come at this as a writer.

You say, "Sometimes I write for myself". That seems the case here as you probably have graphic mental images of the protags but choose not to communicate them and give us a bland newspaper account of the coupling. who are they, why are they here now?

That is fine, authors here can amuse themselves but you say you would like enough votes to be included in the contests (BTW, it's only 25 votes for the special Holiday Contests - try those) but miss the connection that you must write for readers to attract votes.

To precis your story;

- He wants to fuck her ass
- She lets him
- He still wants to fuck her ass
- She doesn't let him
- He still wants to fuck her ass
- She changes her mind
- He fucks her ass

You lose all the tension, for the reader, by making this a repeat event. So what, we think, it's happened before ? It needs to be a sensatonal, dramatic first to keep us trogs reading. She knows he wants it but is she ready - half of her says yes but the other half no.

This is where we need to hear them talk. It doesn't need much dialogue in the sex scene (some use of the senses would help), but before when the decisions are being made. The incident with the gel is totally downplayed and not followed up.

If you want to keep people reading you need to make them want to know what happens next and I think that's what you miss.

You do write pretty well, though I find some of your paragraphs too long for a rolling, backlit screen.

You have a decision to make. Take Lynn and Paco's advice and write for your readers or just use Lit as a forum for yourself.

 

[TheLovelyLickerish1]

Thank you.

Reading at least the story I sent a link to, I see where instead of saying ...he told her to get up on all fours... it could be conversation instead:

"Get up on all fours."

Which does break the paragraphs nicely and also makes it much more participatory instead of just storytelling. I think what I'll do is rewrite the entire story using the same base and change it to more dialogue, expand on the gel since that's what got her fired up in the first place, and maybe try to work in some more back story.

I guess I want to have my cake and eat it to, but right now it's like one cupcake to be split among everyone. The recipe is great, just needs to be more and better icing on it.

So when it's all said and done, should I resubmit the improved story, which, redundant though it may be, would probably be much better, able to stand on its own, and worthy of more and better votes, or C&P the text somewhere for more constructive criticism from you?

 

[PacoFear]

So when it's all said and done, should I resubmit the improved story, which, redundant though it may be, would probably be much better, able to stand on its own, and worthy of more and better votes, or C&P the text somewhere for more constructive criticism from you?

Opinions vary, but if you do rewrite and expand this thing I would tug it down and replace it with your new one. Mostly I'd do it for long term reasons. Since one of your goals is to pull in readers/votes, it might help if you approach this as building a "LovelyLickerish" brand here on Lit.

Step one is to catch readers' eyes with your work on the New postings area. (Traditional wisdom says contests are good for this too, although I've never participated in one 'cause I'm pigheaded.) If you catch enough eyes folks will be lured back to your home page where you have more entertaining things to read.
Then they're checking in on you now and again, or even better, favoriting you.

It's what my grandpa used to call "Stragedy." XP

G'luck,

-PF

 

[TheLovelyLickerish1]

So I...

added some dialogue, broke the scene up a bit, made this only the second time instead of just some sort of random experience in their relationship. The first time, reading the story, was so experimental and just a 'getting it done' sort of thing that I think this stands as a good first fully experienced experience.

Expanded on the beginning. I think some of my problem, and it's terrible to say, is I don't care so much about my characters as their experiences. There's a bit more back story, but they are basically, oviously, just a loving, trusting couple. The thing that makes them exciting is what they are doing as opposed to who they are, so I wonder how to expand on them.

It reads better; the paragraphs are shorter, the dialogue does make it more participatory, and I did some cleanup on the grammar.

But those characters... no names, no real descriptions. He's got a dimple now, but that's it.

 

[D_K_Moon]

I think everyone has already said everything I could say. I would like to emphasize that it's important to have your characters tell the story with their words and actions. It gives a story so much more life and color. The narrator is usually, drab, monotone, and monochromatic.

 

[PacoFear]

I think some of my problem, and it's terrible to say, is I don't care so much about my characters as their experiences. There's a bit more back story, but they are basically, oviously, just a loving, trusting couple. The thing that makes them exciting is what they are doing as opposed to who they are, so I wonder how to expand on them.

I've come to believe that there's a sort physics to good smut. We need to give the people we're describing some sort of texture so that when they're rubbing together they generate heat. Nameless characters lack texture; they're blank, smooth. Rub as they might, they're not going to generate much heat.

Don't fret though Lovely, while your approach may not be my cup of tea and may not mesh with many of the folks here on the forums, there are readers on Lit just looking for a, ahem, quick fix. The trouble with catering to these sort of folks, I suspect, is that they're probably not the folks who are going to be all that good about voting or commenting. Your brief sex story is going to be a quick, enjoyable, and guilty pleasure, to be read and discarded before moving on with their actual lives.

 

[Cold_Eyes]

Apart from what's been said, one thing that can improve anyone's writing is to watch out for cliches at sentence level. You have a few sentences like "lighting her up like a Christmas tree" and "it sent her into space." It's usually better to pick through and rewrite cliches like these into something more descriptive.

 

[_Lynn_]

added some dialogue, broke the scene up a bit, made this only the second time instead of just some sort of random experience in their relationship. The first time, reading the story, was so experimental and just a 'getting it done' sort of thing that I think this stands as a good first fully experienced experience.

Expanded on the beginning. I think some of my problem, and it's terrible to say, is I don't care so much about my characters as their experiences. There's a bit more back story, but they are basically, oviously, just a loving, trusting couple. The thing that makes them exciting is what they are doing as opposed to who they are, so I wonder how to expand on them.

It reads better; the paragraphs are shorter, the dialogue does make it more participatory, and I did some cleanup on the grammar.

But those characters... no names, no real descriptions. He's got a dimple now, but that's it.

This is what it all comes down to, in my opinion. You don't really care about the characters, but many of the readers do. In your OP you mentioned the lack of votes. Why should a reader take the time to vote if you don't take the time to describe the characters or name them?

 

[TheLovelyLickerish1]

And finally,

I have to figure out how to pull a story down. I did some fairly extensive rewriting, took out bits that I felt didn't contribute once I'd gotten it more where I wanted, gave some background, and a hook that's admittedly a bit old hat but works since the options for that hook are myriad albeit a bit obvious. That also gives me the opening for the next story because I have a feeling that this will end up being something of a series.

I did get some really nice emailed comments about some of my other writings; apparently, I do have at least one pretty interested fan out there. It seems he's taken three of my stories as a series. Two are obviously so, but the third was independent but seems to mesh with the other two.

So now that I have it a lot closer to what I want (never perfect) and, i think, will accomplish what I'd like to accomplish, I'm much more satisfied. It's got a better flow, and more people will likely connect with the characters at least better than they had.

 

[TheLovelyLickerish1]

Bleah.

Just a shame that the whole submit process takes what feels like forever! Now I have to wait that long to come back and see what I've managed to correct.

 

[driphoney]

I have to figure out how to pull a story down. I did some fairly extensive rewriting, took out bits that I felt didn't contribute once I'd gotten it more where I wanted, gave some background, and a hook that's admittedly a bit old hat but works since the options for that hook are myriad albeit a bit obvious. That also gives me the opening for the next story because I have a feeling that this will end up being something of a series.

I did get some really nice emailed comments about some of my other writings; apparently, I do have at least one pretty interested fan out there. It seems he's taken three of my stories as a series. Two are obviously so, but the third was independent but seems to mesh with the other two.

So now that I have it a lot closer to what I want (never perfect) and, i think, will accomplish what I'd like to accomplish, I'm much more satisfied. It's got a better flow, and more people will likely connect with the characters at least better than they had.

Just a shame that the whole submit process takes what feels like forever! Now I have to wait that long to come back and see what I've managed to correct.

That fast?

Wow. I'm soooo jealous. Takes me forever fretting over it, re-reading it to myself, pondering . . . then I have to hand it over to someone to look at because I'm the queen of typos and leftover fragments, disjointed re-writes, the works (yes, even with all of that re-reading.)

Good luck.

 

[TheLovelyLickerish1]

Lol...

I'm everyone's writer. All the letters, resumes, important emails, and correspondence are written by me. I'm pretty decisive and usually fast. Besides, the story was already there, I just did some tweaking. Not like I had to start from scratch.

So how do I get the old one down?

 

[_Lynn_]

I'm everyone's writer. All the letters, resumes, important emails, and correspondence are written by me. I'm pretty decisive and usually fast. Besides, the story was already there, I just did some tweaking. Not like I had to start from scratch.

So how do I get the old one down?

I'll post Dark's answer, since he explained it so well . . .

Go to the first page of the story you want to delete/edit. Take note of the number at the end of the URL in your browser window. This is the unique Lit ID# of the story/chapter

Start a new submission, exactly as you would if you were adding a new story to the site.

For the title, use the same title ( or as much as will fit ) of the story you want to delete/edit plus something such as *DELETE* or *EDIT*

Fill in category, description, keywords with placeholders. They don't matter. You might copy the "notes" section (below) as the story text. There has to be something in the story text section.

In the "Notes" section, say that you want to delete/edit the story. It's a good idea to reference the Lit ID# here, just to make sure that there's no question about what story/chapter you want to delete/edit from the site.

Preview and submit as normal.

 

[TheLovelyLickerish1]

Thank you, all!

Whew! Just got back from my walk, going to do some cardio. Will handle this soon after.

I'll come back when the new version is up to see what everyone thinks of the new me!

 

[TheLovelyLickerish1]

Just want to see if 'virgin' goes away after post 10!

 

[TheLovelyLickerish1]

grrr.

 

[_Lynn_]

grrr.

I think you need to post a lot more to lose that status.

 

[sr71plt]

I think you need to post a lot more to lose that status.

So, what you're saying is that we have really tough virgins at Lit.?

 

[_Lynn_]

So, what you're saying is that we have really tough virgins at Lit.?

Or some who think they're tough?

 

[TheLovelyLickerish1]

Bleah.

I. HATE. AB WORK. I think I'd rather take it in the ass...

 

[Katiecat]

I. HATE. AB WORK. I think I'd rather take it in the ass...

well...yeah.