PYL Losing Self-Control

[statsultan]

I'm working on a story with a scene where the PYL temporarily loses his self-control, maybe even experiencing a psychotic break (depending on how I write it).

The situation is that he's under a lot of pressure, he is betrayed by someone at work whom he trusted, putting his entire career at risk. He comes home and his pyl, operating on incomplete information, takes the betrayer's side. He snaps, and lashes out at her, and engages one of their usual punishments only this time there is nothing sexual about it. He is using it for pure punishment, a total power play, and an abuse of the trust she has given him in the relationship. After a few minutes of crying and screaming the safe word, he finally comes to his senses and stops, feeling horrible remorse at his actions, and is absolutely horrified at how he lost his self-control (something that hasn't happened to him ever in his adult life).

So I'm looking for how a pyl would react afterwards. Would you be able to forgive your PYL? Would it dramatically alter your relationship? Would it end the relationship?

 

[Stella_Omega]

I've read a number of stories like this-- what happens afterward is always up to you, and how convincing you can make it.

Remember that, as writers, we want to "kill our darlings."

You want to heap misery on your protag's head for a while-- so pyl does not forgive him, and walks. Of course we want to see the lovers reunited eventually... and of course the relationship changes. He has a more accurate notion of himself, she knows she has to take care of him once in a while-- something like that.

 

[statsultan]

You want to heap misery on your protag's head for a while-- so pyl does not forgive him, and walks. Of course we want to see the lovers reunited eventually... and of course the relationship changes. He has a more accurate notion of himself, she knows she has to take care of him once in a while-- something like that.

Thank goodness this isn't my entire story or I'd quit writing it right now. Though I'm actually vacillating on whether to permanently reunite the lovers. My problem is, not being a pyl, how do I get inside her head to write it convincingly. I'm pretty empathic, but I'm struggling with this one.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thank goodness this isn't my entire story or I'd quit writing it right now. Though I'm actually vacillating on whether to permanently reunite the lovers. My problem is, not being a pyl, how do I get inside her head to write it convincingly. I'm pretty empathic, but I'm struggling with this one.

Me neither As a non-submissive bottom, I might very easily forgive. The physical abuse during those moments *might* not trigger trauma for me. Maybe. Maybe it would make me all-too-damn-aware that I will always be smaller and weaker than a male partner, and I would walk.

It occurs to me that the forgive scenario is most believable in gay scenarios, where two men have made some sort of power exchange. There's always an asumption of autonomy with men that doesn't always play out in hetero fiction-- and by the way, if she were to forgive him really easily, because 'that's how men are' or anything like that-- my feminist fury would know no bounds and I would try to pound your head against the internets If she forgives him, please let it be for reasons relating to the couple as individuals.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I would want to comfort my PYL. For him to have lost control he must be really hurting. I would also know that he would feel horrible for losing control. I love him, I know he is not an abuser. I would forgive him and our relationship would still be solid. However, to be able to trust him with a cane, whip, whatever would take much longer. I would continue to obey him to mentally submit, but not physically. (except sexually)

 

[BiBunny]

Just because "punishment" is not sexual doesn't make it abuse. Just FYI.

 

[statsultan]

Just because "punishment" is not sexual doesn't make it abuse. Just FYI.

Of course. I just had a particular "punishment" in mind that the characters often used as foreplay. So in my mind the asexual nature of this iteration was significant and potentially more emotionally harmful than the physical aspect of it.

 

[FloggingMolly]

I'd be sorry that I'd taken the wrong side, sure. But I'd feel desperately alone and scared if I was getting a serious punishment just because of the actions of someone else. I'd feel ill, I tend to feel very sick whenever he is angry with me anyhow.

Once he'd ignored my safeword, I'd get very very angry and resentful. I'd lose respect for him massively. Would I still love him? Of course. Would I still trust him? No, not just in a BDSM sense, but in everything. To break my trust in something that serious would make me worry that he would break it in other areas.

I wouldn't leave him, but I'd be pretty pissed off, wary and very reluctant to play again.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

I am the submissive in this relationship and generally am fairly submissive by nature in relationships, however when I was with a guy who became physically abusive (this was some years ago and although he had been a little rough with me before, noting compaired to what happened in this incident) I flipped out, hit back, punched, slapped and kneed balls and got the hell away!

 

[Netzach]

There is no way on God's green earth that I'd play with anyone capable of "just forgetting" my safeword under any circumstances. Having that tenuous a grip on reality doesn't a reliable partner make. And I've done the rage thing a few times in my life, that just doesn't fly for me. I mean, I've done see red hear ringing in my ears rage and a safeword would still resonate, that's why it's one simple word.

 

[satindesire]

There is no way on God's green earth that I'd play with anyone capable of "just forgetting" my safeword under any circumstances. Having that tenuous a grip on reality doesn't a reliable partner make. And I've done the rage thing a few times in my life, that just doesn't fly for me. I mean, I've done see red hear ringing in my ears rage and a safeword would still resonate, that's why it's one simple word.

This is a good point. Unless he literally goes batshit crazy and totally has a genuine psychotic break, he's not going to not respond to the safeword.

If that actually happened IRL, I would NOT be getting back together with that person. Period. NO matter WHAT. Someone capable of abusing me during and due to a psychotic breakdown after a safeword limit has been called is NOT a safe person to love. They need counseling, medication, time in a straight-jacket, whatever, not a relationship with me.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

There is no way on God's green earth that I'd play with anyone capable of "just forgetting" my safeword under any circumstances. Having that tenuous a grip on reality doesn't a reliable partner make. And I've done the rage thing a few times in my life, that just doesn't fly for me. I mean, I've done see red hear ringing in my ears rage and a safeword would still resonate, that's why it's one simple word.

QFT

This is a good point. Unless he literally goes batshit crazy and totally has a genuine psychotic break, he's not going to not respond to the safeword.

If that actually happened IRL, I would NOT be getting back together with that person. Period. NO matter WHAT. Someone capable of abusing me during and due to a psychotic breakdown after a safeword limit has been called is NOT a safe person to love. They need counseling, medication, time in a straight-jacket, whatever, not a relationship with me.

QFT

I can't add anything to the above viewpoints simply because they both express how I feel from both perspectives...either top or bottom. I could never ignore a safe word and anything apt to push me over the line into a red rage would make me run someplace safe to release it before I ever came near my bottom, period.

 

[Kojote]

I think all that is in fact the point which makes the scene intriguing in a story setting.
Of course there couldbe a happy ending in a fictional story (contrary to some rl situations). But I would find it most apealing to read about her feeling betrayed and abused in all mentioned ways and at best turning her back on him and reading about him trying in earnest to make good for it and take care for nothing like this happening again.

My opinion for a real situation is another.
A person who loses safecontrol so thoroughly could not be trusted to don't do it again.
He/She yould get a better grip on oneself, but the danger would always be there.
Therefore I agree with Netzach and Satindesire totally.

 

[statsultan]

Thanks!

Thanks for all the feedback. It was very helpful. While the majority opinion was that this would be a relationship ender, I found it interesting that the full spectrum was represented.

I've decided not to go this far in my story. I'm still going to have the scene, but resulting in a screaming argument. I'm not going to have the PYL cross that line. While I want to introduce some conflict between the two for the sake of the story, I agree that the most common reader response would be to view the PYL too negatively and would make it very difficult to reconcile the two afterwards. Or at least, I'm not a good enough writer to make that reconciliation believable.