Educational Guidance Requested

[paiselyavenger]

Hi all, I'm super new and have a few questions. I hope this is posted in the right forum.
I've picked up on the importance of being an informed participant, and the necessity of doing a lot of research. In addition to thread viewing, are there any authoritative books I should be reading? Or websites perusing?

In a similar vein, i'm wondering if any more experienced members would like to share any, "wow I wish someone had told me that when I was new" stories. Or "I hate it when those silly newbies *insert pet peeve here*"

Further, I'm thinking about going to a munch, but am concerned about making a jack-ass of myself due to my ignorance. Any tips there? Maybe just what to expect? the only local one I've found via the web so far jus says they meet at such and such restaurant, all levels welcome, etc. I'm not planning on playing in the foreseeable future (I'm a fraidy cat...) So would I just be wasting their time?

Thanks for any and all advice!

 

[rida]

Welcome!

I'm sure much more experienced people will soon come around to share their wisdom and book lists and munches etiquette.

The only one big piece of advise I think is important to give is: be aware of sub-frenzy (dom-franzy) and to your own personal reaction to chemical bonding related to sharing intimate behavioral (and I don't necessarily mean sex).

Sub-frenzy is the "wanting more!" kind of encompassing obsession that often comes with starting to explore this new (and often up to now repressed) part of yourself. It is as if now that you have taken the first step to find out what it is, how you like it and what is out there, you just cannot get enough and you want more and new and more intense experiences and this desires became all consuming.

The danger is that in this state, you might take steps that you'll regret, going further than what you are ready to deal with. Or you might overlook safety and your gut feelings and go for something you should not.

So when that happens, try to step back and try to find a way to channel the energy and desires in a safer way. Reading up as much as you can, spending enormous amount of time on Lit or Fet or writing is what worked for me.

As for the chemical bonding I'm referring to, it is akin to what happens when you have sex with somebody and you feel as if you are "suddenly in love with them". I know it is not true for everybody, but if you are one of the ones that end up "falling in love" with everyone you have sex with, you want to watch out for it.

When you share some play, chances are that a connection is created. Depending on how intense and new the experience was, it is going to leave you euphoric first (the high), totally frazzled and weepy (sub-drop), and then needing more (sub-frenzy) and longing for the person that gave you such experience.

Knowing and keeping in mind that the above feelings are normal, and just a chemical reactions to the endorphins and adrenaline, even if it does diminish the "mystic" and romantic aspect of the interaction, it helps not falling into the false believe of "being in love".

I'm not negating that it could be really "love at first play". Just warning to be cautious.

And above all: have fun! it is supposed to make you feel "good", in whatever way you measure it.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

First, what rida said, (un)QFT.

Hi all, I'm super new and have a few questions. I hope this is posted in the right forum.
I've picked up on the importance of being an informed participant, and the necessity of doing a lot of research. In addition to thread viewing, are there any authoritative books I should be reading? Or websites perusing?

There are dozens of good books out there for the noob Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns is one such, covering a wide range of BDSM topics, not so much in depth but in a wide range that can give you ideas as to where else to look for more in-depth information. S/M 101 is an excellent starter book if you think your primary interests may lie in sadism/masochism. I'm sure others will pop in here with their recommendations, too, but those are two good starter books.

In a similar vein, i'm wondering if any more experienced members would like to share any, "wow I wish someone had told me that when I was new" stories. Or "I hate it when those silly newbies *insert pet peeve here*"

For me, the "hate it when" usually only arises when someone says they're new and then begins disputing whatever "wisdom" might be dispensed by those who try to answer their questions. Be forewarned! .......................................

Further, I'm thinking about going to a munch, but am concerned about making a jack-ass of myself due to my ignorance. Any tips there? Maybe just what to expect? the only local one I've found via the web so far jus says they meet at such and such restaurant, all levels welcome, etc. I'm not planning on playing in the foreseeable future (I'm a fraidy cat...) So would I just be wasting their time?

Thanks for any and all advice!

Everyone who's been in this culture for any length of time - whether it be two months or 40 years - was at one time a complete newbie. Everyone who's attended a munch at some time attended their first munch. Ditto play parties, etc., etc., ad infinitum. NOT ONE OF US sprang full-kinked from our father's/mother's forehead. Munches are for the most part outwardly-vanilla gatherings that serve to provide introductions to local folks involved in the culture, perhaps have *some* discussion of kinky-type topics (depending on the locale of the munch), and generally just a socialization period to help people find their way into the local community.

If you get the opportunity to correspond with one of the members via e-mail and/or IM or PM before the munch, try to do so, and make one "friend" who will introduce you to folks when you go to the munch and try to make you feel comfortable in opening up, however much or little you may do so, about these very private and sometimes a tad embarrassing desires you find wandering about in your mind.

Above all, in whatever meetings you may have with people in your local community of BDSMers, do your best to always be yourself - someone new to the culture who wants to learn what is best for you. There's no shame at all in being new, no shame in not knowing what others who have been in the culture for months, years, even decades, know. In any decent group (and most of them *are* decent folks!), to admit that you don't even know what you don't know will gain you far more admiration than to try to bluff it out or pretend greater knowledge or experience than you have.

 

[RuReal]

Winston are you saying you did not pop out fully kinked up?

Sorry I could not help it. What they all said is very true. communication in everything is good. Munches 98% of the time are very nice settings to start just a meet and great socalizing thing.

You might note the 2% well sometimes in some places in rare times things do not go the way they are supposed to, but it is a really small percent. I would not be me if I did not mention the bad with the good.

That being said munches rock and I still go to multiple munches a month. Have fun keep a level head and remember that BDSM is really just another form of relationship do what works for you. There is no such thing as a true dom or true submissive no matter what anyone else says. True love is also not a requirement of BDSM even though someone might claim otherwise.

Real

 

[paiselyavenger]

Phew! Thankyou all!
Rida - get out of my head!!! You spoke to questions I didn't even know how to ask. Thankyou, and will be taking that advice seriously.
Sir Winston - thanks for the book suggestions, those sound like great places to start. *ordering them* I think that part of what was making me nervious was the idea of just popping up at a munch and not knowing anyhone, so making a connection here first, if possible, is quite a good idea.
Real - thanks for the perspective, and the percentages. Remembering that munches are just socializing is helpful informantion, and a good tension diffuser.

Thanks again for the advice and assistance, it made a difference for me.

 

[rosco rathbone]

If you like doing research, enjoy, but being a perv is not a matter of expertise. You don't need to justify yourself with any level of knowledge or ability, despite what folks will tell you. Like all forms of accreditation, that whole thing is designed to keep competitors out.

 

[Stella_Omega]

If you like doing research, enjoy, but being a perv is not a matter of expertise. You don't need to justify yourself with any level of knowledge or ability, despite what folks will tell you. Like all forms of accreditation, that whole thing is designed to keep competitors out.

Oh, phoo. "research" in BDSM is wonderful-- You might only have a vague desire for something you don't quite know what, and the things other people have thought of, developed, and then explained will just blow your head up-- in the best possible way-- as you recognise yourself in them.

Reading things like S/M 101 is more like reading a catalog of the best toys, in my experience

 

[rosco rathbone]

Oh, phoo. "research" in BDSM is wonderful-- You might only have a vague desire for something you don't quite know what, and the things other people have thought of, developed, and then explained will just blow your head up-- in the best possible way-- as you recognise yourself in them.

Reading things like S/M 101 is more like reading a catalog of the best toys, in my experience

Like I said, if you enjoy it, fine. I just don't like the idea of a knowledge barrier to entry unless you are doing something dangerous.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Like I said, if you enjoy it, fine. I just don't like the idea of a knowledge barrier to entry unless you are doing something dangerous.

Ignorance is certainly not a barrier to entry, but most people really do prefer to know what the fuck everyone else is talking about... especially when they are going in alone, as Paiselyavenger seems to be doing...

 

[rosco rathbone]

Ignorance is certainly not a barrier to entry, but most people really do prefer to know what the fuck everyone else is talking about... especially when they are going in alone, as Paiselyavenger seems to be doing...

Ok. "The necessity of doing a lot of research" stuck in my throat. I never did a damn bit of research and here I am.

Carry on.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

To find local Munches, email groups, and events in your area, try:
SceneUSA - http://www.darkheart.com/sceneusa.html
Caryl's Page - http://www.drkdesyre.com/
The BDSM Events Page - http://www.thebdsmeventspage.com/ which has links to both organizations AND events.
SirPaul's National Munch Page - http://phoenixdragon.dreamknight87.com/nmp.htm

 

[paiselyavenger]

Yay!! Thank you!!

 

[RuReal]

Wow talk about some huge organizational skills in the US.

I am thinking that we Canadians need to get more organized and not just rely on
FET and local sites.

 

[Netzach]

Like I said, if you enjoy it, fine. I just don't like the idea of a knowledge barrier to entry unless you are doing something dangerous.

This.

The best "research" I did, and I'm NOT hostile to reading and thinking and theorizing this - but the most valuable "research" I ever engaged in, was with a tied-up man in my bed. Or under my shoes. Sure there are things I've workshopped and been taught, but those are technical things specific to play I knew I wanted.

I think there's a fine line between "don't harm people with lack of knowledge" and "guardians of the secret sauce" silliness. The community sometimes edges into the latter. When I was new I let it hold me back, and that's my biggest regret.

Advice: stick close to what turns you on and pursue it. Whether that's in the community or on your own. At events: be polite and normal. If that's not good enough for someone, their un-negiotiated power play makes them the asshole, not you.

 

[rida]

Phew! Thankyou all!
Rida - get out of my head!!! You spoke to questions I didn't even know how to ask. Thankyou, and will be taking that advice seriously.

You are welcome!

And just keep in mind that at the end of the day, BDSM or not, relationships are relationships. You need to know what you need and what you want out of it, you need to know what are deal breakers and what are things you can compromise on.

BDSM or not, Dom or not, people are people, and you have the good and the bad, the honest and the liars, the self-aware and the misguided.

So just don't check your rational thinking at the door because some self-proclaims "true" Dom tells you to. But on the same token, don't cock an attitude just because the "sorority of true Subs" is telling you that anything short of a rude answer to any PYL that is not your PLY is akin of being a doormat.

 

[FungiUg]

Some good advice here. I'll throw in my own to the mix.

Firstly, don't ever be afraid to ask questions. If you hook up with someone who tells you "just do as I say, don't ask"... run away! I find the more experienced or self-confident people love to talk about this stuff as well, so asking questions can lead to some amazing conversations.

Secondly, don't try to be a label. I see many people saying "I am trying to be a sub/dom/etc"... which is silly. A label is a convenience for describing a part of you. Be you! Whatever that is! And ignore people telling you how you should be. Focus on finding people who enjoy you for who you are.

Thirdly, don't get bogged down in the detail. This is about fun and sexy stuff and love and passion. If it's not fun, if it's not caring and loving or nasty in a good, sexy way... don't do it. If you hook up with someone who wants to train you (or whom you wish to train), all to the good. But until then, just focus on self discovery and remember it's not about the detail. That comes out in the individual relationships as an expression of the actual people involved.

Fourthly, remember that people are people, even in BDSM. No one is a mind reader. No one is infallible. Doms are not gods. Subs are not perfect. Relationships still need time, attention, communication.

Finally, prepare to be patient. The minute you start saying to yourself "this is who I really am and I don't want to settle for less" is the minute you suddenly cut out a huge chunk of the population as potential partners. (I think that's true no matter what you decide is right for you, not just for BDSM practitioners.) So it takes time and patience to find the right partner or partners.

Best of luck! And welcome aboard.

Just as an addendum, I am one of those people who learn best by talking and trying stuff out. I haven't read a single BDSM book, although I do have some illustrated guides on tying people up with rope. I read erotica and chatted to people who are into it in one form or another (online, in person) to learn.