New to the forum and to the lifestyle

[midwestyankee]

I beg to differ with those who claim that more than half of all marriages end up in divorce. The facts simply do not support this claim. This is based on the work of Tara Parker-Pope, a health journalist and the woman behind the New York Times' Well blog, in her new book, "For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage."


Money quote: The 50 percent divorce rate is really a myth. The 20-year divorce rate for couples who got married in the 1980s is actually around 19 percent. Everyone thinks marriage is such a struggle and it’s shocking to hear that marriage is actually going strong today. It has to do with how you look at the statistic. If the variables were constant, then a simple equation might work to come up with the divorce rate. But a lot of things are changing. And it is true that there are groups of people who have a 50 percent divorce rate: college dropouts who marry under the age of 25, for example. Couples married in the 1970s have a 30-year divorce rate of about 47 percent. A person who got married in the 1970s had a completely different upbringing and experience in life from someone who got married in the 1990s. It's been very clear that divorce rates peaked in the 1970s and has been going down ever since.

Source: Salon Magazine: "For Better: The Science of Marital Unhappiness"

 

[LustForHer]

How to go about checking for compatibility on the control front? Depends on the extent and type of control that appeals to you, but an example should give the general idea.

Let's say your goal is the right to initiate or demand sex any time, anywhere, in whatever manner you choose to be having it. Most of the time, she'll appreciate what's happening, but sometimes she might not. You'll make sure her needs are met in the big picture sense, but control of how that happens is up to you.

First, you talk about this with your fiancée. Assuming she agrees, then that's what you start doing. Assuming that both of you are hot and happy, so far so good. At some point, though, you'll test her understanding and agreement, by demanding something she usually enjoys, but a time when you know she's really not in the mood for it.

Some women will take to the concept of you being in charge right away. Give you what you've demanded, even if they're tired or in the middle of something they really wanted to get done or whatever.

However, some women respond to that by balking, declaring: "When I agreed to let you be charge of the timing, I assumed that you wouldn't want me to have to give blowjobs when I'm tired! Don't you care about me?" or some other such thing. If she does this, then you'll need to work on adjusting your expectations, or her attitude, or some combination of both.

Once you've settled any issues on timing, you plan a comparable test on the place. And so on.

Having read this I went and started discussing this with her and we are already getting a feel for how we both would like our relationship to continue. I thank you again for your advice, it has helped =]

 

[LustForHer]

A lot of people can say things like "You shouldn't get married in your twenties." but I see it as bitterness about past relationship failures, honestly.

Look, here's the truth. Most marriages end up in divorce, no matter WHEN you get married. If you're married at 22, or married at 42, there's still a chance you're going to get divorced.

Honestly, if you love her and you are 100% willing to communicate, listen, compromise, and be truthful and open with her about everything, then you'll be just fine, no matter when you put a ring on her finger.

Yes, people grow and change, but people CAN and HAVE evolved as a couple...together. Not everyone grows apart, not all marriages fail, and not all young people are stupid.

Good luck sweetie.

I agree with Etoile saying that your post was great. Thank you =]

 

[satindesire]

I agree with Etoile saying that your post was great. Thank you =]

It was my pleasure sweetie.

 

[sb2009]

I truly believe that people do grow together and it's great. I also dont' think it's all that horrible for people to be together for a time and then break apart - people come in and out of our lives and we all learn from each other.

I am a bit old-lady-ish when I look at someone in thier teens who is talking "forever" and has such a set-in-stone outlook on life already. I definately do not want that for my children, and hopefully have set the groundword so that they do not feel, econcomically, financially, sexually, etc that they need to tie themselves to one person at such an early age. There is so much experience to be had in the world, and just the fact of being married is limiting in lots of ways. I even go so far to say that that is the whole point behind marriage - to encourage people to settle down, stay in one place, start earning and consuming.

 

[sb2009]

and I am not trying to be wet blanket, etc! Really!

I just have maybe odd views on life and marriage and family. And some experience that showed me what does and doesn't work in my own life.

 

[LustForHer]

and I am not trying to be wet blanket, etc! Really!

I just have maybe odd views on life and marriage and family. And some experience that showed me what does and doesn't work in my own life.

Naa your not a wet blanket. I understand what you are saying and can see where you are coming from and if another girl comes a long and can top my girl in every way then by all means I would probably end up dating her (don't take that the wrong way, I am saying I doubt it can happen). But again I will say I completely understand where you are coming from and can see why you might be concerned.

 

[sb2009]

or hey, if another girl comes along and meets other needs, why not just have them both? See, all things are possible for those that don't follow "the rules" - like my bastardization of the scriptures there?

I do think that commitment takes work and a certain amount of putting up with stuff that because no one is perfect. So while I'm sure there are men out there who don't blow thier nose in the shower and who think fine dining is more than Joe's Crab Shack..well, he has many great qualities that far outweigh the negatives ;-) so I"m not trading him in. Yet.

 

[CutieMouse]

and I am not trying to be wet blanket, etc! Really!

I just have maybe odd views on life and marriage and family. And some experience that showed me what does and doesn't work in my own life.

Nah... I tell my children that in a perfect world they should be either 30 or have their Masters degrees before getting married or having children.

I'd rather they spend their 20s living big, huge, messy, creative, unencumbered lives, than locking themselves into anything bigger than they are honestly capable of understanding at 20. [All the while acknowledging I have zero control over their decision to do so, or not. LOL]

(Not aimed at the OP - just a personal perspective based upon a decision I made at 20 that prevented me from living a big, huge, messy, creative life until I was divorced and in my late 30s. )

 

[sb2009]

cutie mouse, I am so with you.....let it be messy, all that...it will be an amazing learning experience.

 

[LustForHer]

or hey, if another girl comes along and meets other needs, why not just have them both? See, all things are possible for those that don't follow "the rules" - like my bastardization of the scriptures there?
.

Personally I would love to have them both

 

[LustForHer]

Nah... I tell my children that in a perfect world they should be either 30 or have their Masters degrees before getting married or having children.

I'd rather they spend their 20s living big, huge, messy, creative, unencumbered lives, than locking themselves into anything bigger than they are honestly capable of understanding at 20. [All the while acknowledging I have zero control over their decision to do so, or not. LOL]

(Not aimed at the OP - just a personal perspective based upon a decision I made at 20 that prevented me from living a big, huge, messy, creative life until I was divorced and in my late 30s. )

From hearing my parents and friends stories of their lives I know what you mean and can agree to a certain degree, but at the same time I know just as many people that regretted living messy creative lives and wish they would have screwed their heads on strait sooner. Currently I am just living life as it comes and planning for a future event that I want to happen in a generally specific time in my life.

 

[CutieMouse]

From hearing my parents and friends stories of their lives I know what you mean and can agree to a certain degree, but at the same time I know just as many people that regretted living messy creative lives and wish they would have screwed their heads on strait sooner. Currently I am just living life as it comes and planning for a future event that I want to happen in a generally specific time in my life.

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.

And I should probably mention that I'm the sort of person for whom "messy" would have meant going to college out of state, pursuing a career in a field I was passionate about, and living on my own for a few years before settling down. Hell, right now "messy" means tolerating an occasional date and working on buying a house this fall.

I know... everybody step back - CM's on the loose! LOL

 

[sb2009]

CM is breaking out the GREEN TEA folks...it has REAL SUGAR in it...so watch out..she's gonna go cuh-razy soon!

 

[IAboy]

Welcome to LIT

 

[Etoile]

Personally I would love to have them both

Oh my.

 

[rida]

Nah... I tell my children that in a perfect world they should be either 30 or have their Masters degrees before getting married or having children.

I'd rather they spend their 20s living big, huge, messy, creative, unencumbered lives, than locking themselves into anything bigger than they are honestly capable of understanding at 20. [All the while acknowledging I have zero control over their decision to do so, or not. LOL]

(Not aimed at the OP - just a personal perspective based upon a decision I made at 20 that prevented me from living a big, huge, messy, creative life until I was divorced and in my late 30s. )

cutie mouse, I am so with you.....let it be messy, all that...it will be an amazing learning experience.

I am a bit of of two minds about it.

I married short of 28 and I'm now in the middle of being busy working/raising children and being a wife. In my early 20s, although adventurous, I did not have enough self knowledge and/or self confidence to really explore myself and life's opportunities.

Sometime I think how if I had had children in my early 20s instead of my early 30s, I would now be getting ready to see them move out to go to college and how that would make it much easier for me to enjoy discovering myself, at an age now where I can understand and appreciate it better.

So on one hand I can see the advantages of exploring in your 20s and settle down in your 30s (or early 40s). But considering the energy that children require, there is something to be said for having them in your 20s and explore yourself with the maturity of a slightly older age.

 

[Black_Bunny]

People that aren't afraid of divorce are the ones who end up divorced

Ouch.

What about those who aren't given any say in the matter when their partner decides to leave them?

Sorry to be a downer on the topic...

Just wanted to point out that the decision to divorce can be very one-sided.

It being my worst nightmare didn't stop it from happening.

Ok, sad blurt over sorries

 

[LustForHer]

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.

And I should probably mention that I'm the sort of person for whom "messy" would have meant going to college out of state, pursuing a career in a field I was passionate about, and living on my own for a few years before settling down. Hell, right now "messy" means tolerating an occasional date and working on buying a house this fall.

I know... everybody step back - CM's on the loose! LOL

Why thank you, as a matter of fact I will be going to college (not out of state but still) I will be getting a house by my self for at least a few years (possibly with a friend). So I will be living my life slightly "messy" =] I just like to have a plan for later (though it may not even work out, I just am a man who likes a plan)

 

[LustForHer]

So on one hand I can see the advantages of exploring in your 20s and settle down in your 30s (or early 40s). But considering the energy that children require, there is something to be said for having them in your 20s and explore yourself with the maturity of a slightly older age.

Just to clear things up for every one. Though I would like to get married around 25 or a few years later I will not be "trying" to have any kids till my early or mid 30's. I know that children could come into my life at any moment.

 

[satindesire]

Ouch.

What about those who aren't given any say in the matter when their partner decides to leave them?

Sorry to be a downer on the topic...

Just wanted to point out that the decision to divorce can be very one-sided.

It being my worst nightmare didn't stop it from happening.

Ok, sad blurt over sorries

I apologize, BeeBee, I didn't mean that to sound so...final.

Divorce can be incredibly one-sided and it can be sprung on the mate with what looks like "no warning". Most of the time, there ARE warning signs that people are simply too afraid of confronting, out of insecurity, or hope that it'll all just "go away" if they ignore it, but occasionally, someone DOES get surprised by sudden divorce papers when they honestly through their marriage was lovely.

I'm really sorry you went through that. I can't imagine what your emotional state was when you had to go through that no doubt extremely painful situation, and my post was not intended to "bash" or hurt anyone who was shocked by sudden unexpected divorce.

 

[Keroin]

People that aren't afraid of divorce are the ones who end up divorced, honey.

Yeah, this bothers me.

I'm married, I love my husband, we've been together for a dozen years and plan to be together forever. I'm also a realist. Shit happens. No matter how hard both of us work at staying together - and believe me, our marriage has been tested - we could end up divorced for any number of reasons. I'm not afraid of it and I know that no matter how sad and painful it would be we would survive.

I have been divorced. It sucked. It was also for the best.

I don't see divorce as some kind of easy out but I also don't believe in staying in a situation that makes one or both parties unhappy - long term unhappy, not "I'm in a bad mood" unhappy.

I refuse to live in fear of divorce.

 

[satindesire]

Yeah, this bothers me.

I'm married, I love my husband, we've been together for a dozen years and plan to be together forever. I'm also a realist. Shit happens. No matter how hard both of us work at staying together - and believe me, our marriage has been tested - we could end up divorced for any number of reasons. I'm not afraid of it and I know that no matter how sad and painful it would be we would survive.

I have been divorced. It sucked. It was also for the best.

I don't see divorce as some kind of easy out but I also don't believe in staying in a situation that makes one or both parties unhappy - long term unhappy, not "I'm in a bad mood" unhappy.

I refuse to live in fear of divorce.

Okay, I think I wasn't very clear in the meaning of what I said.

People who don't care enough about their marriages, who refuse to communicate with their partners, they're some of the ones who think that they're going to stay married forever, not because their love is strong enough, but that's "Just what people do". They think that all problems will disappear if they're ignored hard enough, and they don't stop to think that their neglect of the quality of the relationship is damaging the long-term health of their marriage.

A healthy, NOT DEBILITATING fear of divorce is fine. Valuing something as important means it would hurt to lose it, thus that's where the fear comes from.

People that don't want to get divorced and people who value their partners as important often DO fear divorce, so they do whatever they can to be open with their partners, honest, communicative, even if it's difficult.

I apologize for not being clear enough.

 

[Keroin]

Okay, I think I wasn't very clear in the meaning of what I said.

People who don't care enough about their marriages, who refuse to communicate with their partners, they're some of the ones who think that they're going to stay married forever, not because their love is strong enough, but that's "Just what people do". They think that all problems will disappear if they're ignored hard enough, and they don't stop to think that their neglect of the quality of the relationship is damaging the long-term health of their marriage.

A healthy, NOT DEBILITATING fear of divorce is fine. Valuing something as important means it would hurt to lose it, thus that's where the fear comes from.

People that don't want to get divorced and people who value their partners as important often DO fear divorce, so they do whatever they can to be open with their partners, honest, communicative, even if it's difficult.

I apologize for not being clear enough.

No worries. Yes, what you've said here is a far cry from the original statement. Thanks for clarifying.

Interesting. I would not want fear, even healthy fear, to be a motivator in my marriage.

/hijack

 

[satindesire]

No worries. Yes, what you've said here is a far cry from the original statement. Thanks for clarifying.

Interesting. I would not want fear, even healthy fear, to be a motivator in my marriage.

/hijack

I think fear can be a good thing. Lots of people court fear in all kinds of ways that's good, from riding roller coasters, to dabbling in BDSM.

I personally harness the energy of fear of losing my relationship with family and friends as motivation to do my best to make sure I'm always treating them well.

YMMV.