New to the forum and to the lifestyle

[Noira]

My only word of advice can be: don't decide on anything stupid at your young age. May I introduce myself? I'm 20 and finally able to admit to myself that no, I wasn't switchy, I'm a sadist and I always was no matter how much I tried to lie to even myself. I grew up as a very, very strict Christian, which along with gay is bad and all the other stuff (still a Christian, by the way) included "women are submissive".

Which, as I had a distinctive streak towards kink, caused me one hell of a lot of identity issues, let me tell you! Christianity practically by default forces "men are dominant and women are submissive" as the only way to BDSM and only now after much trouble have I managed to connect that outside of the BDSM definitions and find what, for me, is a much better translation of that verse... women, respect your husbands.

Two years ago, at 18, if my boyfriend had proposed to me that we enter into a D/s relationship with him as my Master and we get married, saving sex until marriage, I would've said yes. Because I knew I was kinky, my religion appeared to dictate I could only be kinky as a sub, and hey, happily ever after, right? I wouldn't have been who I was today... or I would've come to the same realizations (that I am not submissive, there's not a single submissive bone in my body and I was only trying to force it on myself to match what I'd been basically culturally taught was the way a woman was supposed to be) and been in a very unhappy relationship.

Two years ago, I would've been "very submissive Christian woman waiting for marriage". Two years does a lot. It changes people a lot. It brings out realizations, new ideas, new kinks, and brings you to places where you're forced to realize you never were what you were trying to make yourself. Especially when you grow up religious, and have preconceived notions, and that kink seems to match what you've been told...

And without trying it on, how can you know you really like it? Porn is nothing like a real relationship!

Anyway, there's plenty of Christians in D/s relationships, at least M/f... little bit harder to reconcoil from my angle being a Christian female sadist, but I'd be willing to say there's tons.

I'm not advocating sex if you two aren't ready for it, I'm advocating not jumping into something that you guys might find, put into practice, just doesn't float your boat together. Make your decisions wisely. BDSM is an ENHANCEMENT of a relationship, in my opinion, and should not come first. And let me be the nay-sayer once more, but a relationship that you started when you were 15 is maybe not going to be the relationship you want at 20. People change a lot. The people and things I loved at 15 are all mostly lost to my past now as I've changed as a person. What you think you know at 18 might not be what you know you know at 20.

Honestly, as negative as I am, it's just from my own experience... I know things didn't work out for me, but I really do hope it works for you guys. I hope what you say about loving her even if her vagina falls off is true, and that you two are as compatable as compatable can be.

As for how to get into the mindset, I would think that tasks and punishments would be the easiest non-sexual way. Find a role that suits you... authority, parental, master, owner, whatever have you... something that suits you both... and find tasks and little routes to control. Obviously this is more on the discipline and control side rather than the bondage and masochism and sadism side, but you can explore masochism and sadism with no sex... that I can tell you for sure! But tasks are fun. Make her write you a short letter each day, or something to keep her continually reminded of you. Request specific items of clothing to be worn. Little things to take a measure of control over her life and keep her continually reminded of you will add a non-sexual degree of dominance. I'm sure you'll find things that suit you two and your specific relationship. I think the strongest thing you can do is keep her constantly aware of you and the control you exert over her life for non-sexual dominance. It's not just mental for you (as mentioned before: strict but caring authority figure is definately a good route to take) but mental for her. What do you want her to see herself as? A good housewife (50s mentality?), a slave, a pet, a servant, just plain and simply yours? Princess by day, slut by night (only in the bedroom)? Talk with her, find out what you two are shooting for... and then work that mentality into your life.

The best way to grow into being a good dom is being ever aware of what she needs... and what you want.

As for things you're not into... anal is never necessary but you might find you like it, golden/scat/vomit play personally disgusts me and nothing is ever necessary to try if you know it disgusts you... and well, if you're naturally a dom of course female dominance probably won't get you going.

That also said, if you're going for bedroom only I can't see you really gaining experience on those things without being sexually involved at some time, even though I'll be the first to say you can experiment with sadism and masochism and bondage without sex. I'll repeat myself again: find out what interests both her and you. Not just "everything". If everything really does, well, grab a d20 and label each side for one kink that interests you and roll it. Do you like the idea of bondage? Great! You can do that without having sex. Study up ropework. Do you like pain? Great! Study how to safely administer pain. Just pick something and give it a go. With proper safety precautions, of course.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I get what your saying and it really made me think. Yes she probably doesn't have a tight hymen anymore considering I have used 4 fingers several times. There is a mental difference between something like a finger and a dick in my opinion. Honestly I don't think I could live without any sexual activity at all in my life since I have started dating my girl. Also I am aware of the risk that we may not even be sexually compatible at all, but my relationship with her goes deeper than that. I want to spend the rest of my life with her even if her vagina fell out and it was physically impossible for us to have sex.

Well, it sounds like so far, you *are* pretty sexually compatible. If it turns out that PIV sex doesn't work too well, the pair of you will be well skilled in many other areas that will more than make up for it.

I think sometimes, people get too caught up in the old PIV, and when they develop incompatability issues down the track, it's because that's all they know. And when all you know isn't working... yeah, you're stuffed.

 

[LustForHer]

BIG props to you, man.

Thanks

 

[Black_Bunny]

is sex only penetration? If Christianity calls for being a virgin, it means sexual activity, not tight hymen.

I agree, that's why I mentioned that my Christian upbringing told me that even oral sex or mutual masturbation was not allowed. Thus... if you're doing 2 of 3, what's the difference with doing the third??

I have used 4 fingers several times.

four???? wtf?

If it turns out that PIV sex doesn't work too well, the pair of you will be well skilled in many other areas that will more than make up for it.

I disagree... my ex-husband and I did everything (vanilla-wise) except PIV and anal before we got married, and the mammoth disappointment at not being able to have PIV sex was in no way made easier by "we're skilled in other areas to make up for it". Particularly for Christian virgins, PIV is a big deal. Other stuff doesn't 'make up for it' when it's crap, sorry.

 

[Black_Bunny]

LustForHer, I know from my own experience that nothing anybody says will make you change your mind about this. You just have to learn from your own mistakes. This topic is too close to my past and I know I'll just get frustrated trying to make you see things differently, so I'm going to bow out of this topic. Good luck to you both

 

[LustForHer]

@ Noira - Wow! Quite a lot to digest there =] I am aware that my relationship will continue to change over the years, event though I am only 18 and have been with my girl for 3 years I have already found out how little time it takes for some drastic changes and I have no doubt we will be nothing like we are in another 3 years. I like how you said "BDSM is an ENHANCEMENT of a relationship" I really agree with that. Thank you for your thoughts and advice =]

 

[LustForHer]

four???? wtf?

Haha, on occasion yes, she likes pain and I enjoy giving it I thank you for not trying to change my mind about this and I thank you for your insight on everything. =]

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I disagree... my ex-husband and I did everything (vanilla-wise) except PIV and anal before we got married, and the mammoth disappointment at not being able to have PIV sex was in no way made easier by "we're skilled in other areas to make up for it". Particularly for Christian virgins, PIV is a big deal. Other stuff doesn't 'make up for it' when it's crap, sorry.

I know it wasn't the rest of my life and all that, but I did spend 3 years in a relationship with a man who was incapable of PIV, or anal, and we managed quite decently without.

(That's where 4 fingers can come in )

All I was trying to say is that I don't think PIV is the be all and end all. Some might feel differently.

 

[Etoile]

four???? wtf?

Some of us even use the whole hand.

 

[Black_Bunny]

Some of us even use the whole hand.

I know, but a virgin...?! I have no way of knowing how 'tight' the average woman is... good grief, it must be a whole lot looser than I thought

 

[sb2009]

my point wasn't to make a big deal out of PIV, it was just the opposite. I think it's preetty, ah, funny, to say "we are staying virgins until our wedding night" when there have been four fingers inside a vagina and a mouth around a cock, forgive my bluntness.

And maybe it's my age, but 18, wow, so young. Men are still physically growing. There is still brain deveopment going on. And I would probably do anything in my power to let my children know at 18 that they don't need to make such an agreement as marriage that young. Live life. Have fun. Fuck other people, even ;-)

I wouldn't even recognize myself if I saw me at 18. My husband was 24 and I was 27 when we married (our birthdays were within a couple months of our marriage) and we have both changed and grown so much in that time.

BUT I admit to a huge bias...growing up strict christian fundy and seeing my peer marry young so they could have sex (becuase it was sin to have sexual desires unless you were married) and seeing the unnecessary pain most of them have gone through, sigh.

 

[LustForHer]

my point wasn't to make a big deal out of PIV, it was just the opposite. I think it's preetty, ah, funny, to say "we are staying virgins until our wedding night" when there have been four fingers inside a vagina and a mouth around a cock, forgive my bluntness.

And maybe it's my age, but 18, wow, so young. Men are still physically growing. There is still brain deveopment going on. And I would probably do anything in my power to let my children know at 18 that they don't need to make such an agreement as marriage that young. Live life. Have fun. Fuck other people, even ;-)

I wouldn't even recognize myself if I saw me at 18. My husband was 24 and I was 27 when we married (our birthdays were within a couple months of our marriage) and we have both changed and grown so much in that time.

BUT I admit to a huge bias...growing up strict christian fundy and seeing my peer marry young so they could have sex (becuase it was sin to have sexual desires unless you were married) and seeing the unnecessary pain most of them have gone through, sigh.

I don't mind your bluntness. When I referred to being virgins I meant a PIV virgin. I find a certain mental aspect to it that I have a desire to save for marriage. Yes I agree with your that I am very young to be thinking of marriage but my father raised me to always be thinking ahead. I have been taught the traditional "sex is a sin" I don't completely agree with it though. I am waiting because I don't feel prepared yet.

 

[JMohegan]

Hello everyone, as stated above, I am new to the BDSM lifestyle. I am only 18 and I have been in a very good, very solid relationship for almost 3 years now (also my girl and I are the only people we have ever dated). My girlfriend is very submissive and I am rather dominant. We are in a non-sexual relationship and both would like to keep it that way till we are married (though we crave it so incredibly bad). We both love the idea of BDSM and can't wait to get into it. In a few years we plan to get married. I am hoping to get some insight on how I can grow into being a good dom for when we finally do get married.

You are way too young to get married. In a "few years," you will still be way too young to get married.

There. Now that I have that out of my system, I'll address the topic at hand.

You say you want to be a "good dom," and later define that as "a strict but caring authority figure." Defining the concept is a good start. However, I'll note that "authority" has nothing to do with bondage or fingers or floggers. It has to do with control. You will never be able to force her to do anything; you will only be able to inspire.

So work on being inspirational. Spend time thinking about the question, "Why the heck should anyone do what I tell them to do?" If you don't have a very good answer, then work to make some adjustments.

At the same time, remember that it's not all up to you. Lots of women "love the idea of BDSM." Far fewer are actually willing to give up control over the proceedings, unless they're in the mood for whatever is being demanded. You can check for compatibility on the control front right now. For that purpose, neither a marriage license nor escalating physical activity is necessary.

 

[Etoile]

If PIV were all that counted for virginity, there would be a fuckton of virgins out there. Fortunately gay people know better than to rely on that standard.

 

[funkygreeneyedlady]

Regardless of what anyone thinks... big kudos to you and your girlfriend! You two know what you want at your age... it's rare to be that positive at your age and I commend you for that!
I am new - and much older then yourself, I have often wondered what things would be like currently had I figured this out back at that similar age...
Do keep in mind you are both young, and, with that being said, your desire for one another may only increase as you age or you may grow apart... sadly, it happens. I am not claiming to see the future, but, I am sure you both realize what can happen as you all are off in separate directions in the next few years with college and growing up... it happens regardless of lifestyle choices.
I think while you both are exploring one another's needs, desires and doing it without that actual act of intercourse you have a lot of time to just explore and figure yourselves out... this can be a good thing! I mean seriously... how many of us out here can claim the same?
Being comfortable in yourself and sexuality is a huge hurdle! and then finding someone that accepts you for what you deem as a sexual turn-on is even a bigger hurdle at times!
Learn from one another, watch your bodies, explore and figure out each others body language and experiment with things... use this time as an advantage and enjoy it.

 

[LustForHer]

You are way too young to get married. In a "few years," you will still be way too young to get married.

There. Now that I have that out of my system, I'll address the topic at hand.

You say you want to be a "good dom," and later define that as "a strict but caring authority figure." Defining the concept is a good start. However, I'll note that "authority" has nothing to do with bondage or fingers or floggers. It has to do with control. You will never be able to force her to do anything; you will only be able to inspire.

So work on being inspirational. Spend time thinking about the question, "Why the heck should anyone do what I tell them to do?" If you don't have a very good answer, then work to make some adjustments.

At the same time, remember that it's not all up to you. Lots of women "love the idea of BDSM." Far fewer are actually willing to give up control over the proceedings, unless they're in the mood for whatever is being demanded. You can check for compatibility on the control front right now. For that purpose, neither a marriage license nor escalating physical activity is necessary.

Haha yes I do agree with you, but what I meant by "in a few years" is roughly between 6 to 8 years.
What you say makes a lot of sense and I have already noticed in my young age that sometimes getting a person to think of the idea by themself works out even better than making or even asking them to do it. Just wondering, how would you recommend going about this in my situation?

 

[LustForHer]

If PIV were all that counted for virginity, there would be a fuckton of virgins out there. Fortunately gay people know better than to rely on that standard.

Very true but I am not saying thats the only type of virginity that counts. All I am saying is that thats the one I would like to save for marriage because it is a much bigger step than something like oral or fingering.

Regardless of what anyone thinks... big kudos to you and your girlfriend! You two know what you want at your age... it's rare to be that positive at your age and I commend you for that!
I am new - and much older then yourself, I have often wondered what things would be like currently had I figured this out back at that similar age...
Do keep in mind you are both young, and, with that being said, your desire for one another may only increase as you age or you may grow apart... sadly, it happens. I am not claiming to see the future, but, I am sure you both realize what can happen as you all are off in separate directions in the next few years with college and growing up... it happens regardless of lifestyle choices.
I think while you both are exploring one another's needs, desires and doing it without that actual act of intercourse you have a lot of time to just explore and figure yourselves out... this can be a good thing! I mean seriously... how many of us out here can claim the same?
Being comfortable in yourself and sexuality is a huge hurdle! and then finding someone that accepts you for what you deem as a sexual turn-on is even a bigger hurdle at times!
Learn from one another, watch your bodies, explore and figure out each others body language and experiment with things... use this time as an advantage and enjoy it.

Thanks about the kudos =] I am aware that we very well may separate at anytime (though highly unlikely) which is one reason I would like to save PIV sex. Thank you for your advice and knowledge and I will definitely keep what you have said at the front of my mind. =]

 

[Etoile]

I could never be religious, I think. I ask too many damn questions.

 

[LustForHer]

I could never be religious, I think. I ask too many damn questions.

I often do too and It's definitely not always easy which I have no doubt you have heard before.

 

[JMohegan]

Haha yes I do agree with you, but what I meant by "in a few years" is roughly between 6 to 8 years.
What you say makes a lot of sense and I have already noticed in my young age that sometimes getting a person to think of the idea by themself works out even better than making or even asking them to do it. Just wondering, how would you recommend going about this in my situation?

How to go about checking for compatibility on the control front? Depends on the extent and type of control that appeals to you, but an example should give the general idea.

Let's say your goal is the right to initiate or demand sex any time, anywhere, in whatever manner you choose to be having it. Most of the time, she'll appreciate what's happening, but sometimes she might not. You'll make sure her needs are met in the big picture sense, but control of how that happens is up to you.

First, you talk about this with your fiancée. Assuming she agrees, then that's what you start doing. Assuming that both of you are hot and happy, so far so good. At some point, though, you'll test her understanding and agreement, by demanding something she usually enjoys, but a time when you know she's really not in the mood for it.

Some women will take to the concept of you being in charge right away. Give you what you've demanded, even if they're tired or in the middle of something they really wanted to get done or whatever.

However, some women respond to that by balking, declaring: "When I agreed to let you be charge of the timing, I assumed that you wouldn't want me to have to give blowjobs when I'm tired! Don't you care about me?" or some other such thing. If she does this, then you'll need to work on adjusting your expectations, or her attitude, or some combination of both.

Once you've settled any issues on timing, you plan a comparable test on the place. And so on.

 

[accdc5]

Bunny,

what are the non sexual BDSM turnons?

 

[Black_Bunny]

This topic is too close to my past and I know I'll just get frustrated trying to make you see things differently, so I'm going to bow out of this topic. Good luck to you both

Ah sorry, this is why I haven't replied to your post accdc5!

Bunny,

what are the non sexual BDSM turnons?

Ok, so the non-sexual aspects of Dominance that I was referring to is anything that expresses his control over me; instructing me what to wear, giving me a task to complete (usually via sms), making the decisions regarding what movies to watch etc, saying "I'll do what I want, when I want", giving general orders... also directing my face to his with a finger under my chin... ummm I'm sure there's more examples that I can't think of at the moment. He just exudes an authority, a sort of air that just commands respect, but in a loving way, not a domineering way. Like, "respect me, woman, because you are mine", not "respect me, woman, because I'm the greatest man on the planet"... any of this make sense?

 

[satindesire]

A lot of people can say things like "You shouldn't get married in your twenties." but I see it as bitterness about past relationship failures, honestly.

Look, here's the truth. Most marriages end up in divorce, no matter WHEN you get married. If you're married at 22, or married at 42, there's still a chance you're going to get divorced.

Honestly, if you love her and you are 100% willing to communicate, listen, compromise, and be truthful and open with her about everything, then you'll be just fine, no matter when you put a ring on her finger.

Yes, people grow and change, but people CAN and HAVE evolved as a couple...together. Not everyone grows apart, not all marriages fail, and not all young people are stupid.

Good luck sweetie.

 

[Etoile]

Most marriages end up in divorce, no matter WHEN you get married. If you're married at 22, or married at 42, there's still a chance you're going to get divorced.
*snip*
Yes, people grow and change, but people CAN and HAVE evolved as a couple...together. Not everyone grows apart, not all marriages fail, and not all young people are stupid.

Sigh...I really hate the first part. My self-esteem has always been abysmally low, so I am often afraid of that happening. There is no evidence that it would, and we've been together over 12 years and still adore each other, but man, look at the Gores...together for what, 40 years? And divorcing. The second part gives me hope, though.

That was a great post.

 

[satindesire]

Sigh...I really hate the first part. My self-esteem has always been abysmally low, so I am often afraid of that happening. There is no evidence that it would, and we've been together over 12 years and still adore each other, but man, look at the Gores...together for what, 40 years? And divorcing. The second part gives me hope, though.

That was a great post.

People that aren't afraid of divorce are the ones who end up divorced, honey. The thing is, when you're wanting to keep your marriage in tact, you're willing to communicate. You're willing to do what it takes to make sure those vows stay true, right?

There's nothing inherently wrong with being afraid of divorce as long as it doesn't completely cripple you. It just means you're going to be more self-aware and communicative, and that's NOT a bad thing.

Thank you, by the way.