Tell me what you think

[Michael_Lane]

Just posted a new story. I'm not happy with it, but I can't quite put my finger on what's wrong with it.
Opinions?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=478896

 

[PacoFear]

Hiya Mike,

I read your Scavenger Hunt story just now. Out of curiousity I then read your other posting, Warm Welcome. I preferred Welcome. I don't think Scavenger is bad per se, but it did come off a little flat to me. I wonder if you're picking up on the same thing.

I do have a couple o' suggestions:

PacoFear's half-assed suggestion #1
If you're happy with Scavenger's overall storyline, I suspect it might be better if you re-wrote it as first person from Cheryl's POV. Narrating a story with essentially just one character from third person the way you have it now runs the risk of getting dry: she saw X, she wondered Y, she did Z. I'm guessing the same story from first person would feel more immediate, more immersive. Plus, you get the testosterone-bending challenge of trying to think like a woman. That's always a hoot as an author. C'mon, pull on a dress (mental or actual as you see fit) and start typing.

PacoFear's half-assed suggestion #2
For my money, playing "hide the ball" with respect to it being her husband running the scavenger hunt is hurting your story more than helping it. Trumping this feature up as "a mystery" and "mysterious" isn't helping your case either. On my read, it comes off as a tad hackneyed. Really? Who else is going to leave secret messages in your refrigerator? The housekeeper? (Hmmm, story idea? ) Plus, this story is in the Loving Wives category so when you, ahem, "reveal" that it's the hubbie it has about the same "Duh duh dun" effect as the unmasking segment at the end of every episode of Scooby Doo. We all laughed at Scooby Doo, right?

Better I think to be upfront about the hubby stearing the game, but play a similar angle to what you did with Warm Welcome - the "this is so unlike him/I wonder how far this is going to go?" angle.

Just my $0.02. YMMV. Do carry on.

-PF

 

[Michael_Lane]

Thanks Paco, I think you hit the nail on the head. I specifically wanted to stay away from first person because I'm working toward a novel and I think novels written in first person become real tedious, real fast. But I agree that, although the idea of throwing in the added mystery of "what comes next" adds to the tension and therefore the drama, the way I went about it asks the reader to suspend too much reality.

I don't guess there's any way to revise or delete posted stories is there?

 

[sxyoldguy]

In Guardian of Lies Steve Martini writes in both first and third person. The main character is in first of course then several of the secondaries are in third person/story teller.

I thought it worked well. You could try that.

 

[PacoFear]

Thanks Paco, I think you hit the nail on the head. I specifically wanted to stay away from first person because I'm working toward a novel and I think novels written in first person become real tedious, real fast. But I agree that, although the idea of throwing in the added mystery of "what comes next" adds to the tension and therefore the drama, the way I went about it asks the reader to suspend too much reality.

I don't guess there's any way to revise or delete posted stories is there?

Hells yeah, you can revise posted things. Just re-submit the story with the same title and add "(edit)" at the end oif the title. They'll post it over your earlier version.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Welcome to the madhouse.

I agree with Paco, but would offer a couple of different points.

In Welcome I thought the story arc was much stronger than in Scavenger because you had conflict throughout. Wife is frustrated – husband works too much, and so you lead us skilfully through the seduction as she tries to recapture his interest. It’s only in the conclusion that she finally knows she’s won when he rejects a business call and calls a timeout.

Scavenger gives you a lot more problems. With only one character it is flipping hard to create tension and the drawn out series of challenges, without dialogue or reaction, is more a sequence that is a bit anodyne. I think it might help to drop the notes and replace them with phone calls. Even though they are not physically together, you can create the same tension by him trying to persuade her to go to the next level. IMHO this works whether you keep Cheryl third person or go first person – (you’ve still got to go cross-dressing to make it work).

I’ve no probs with BDSM but I found the sudden introduction of floggers and nipple rings not in keeping with the story. Like the beginning where I couldn’t believe any woman would blindly follow anonymous notes in her fridge, if she doesn’t know her seducer she would never put herself in that position in the hotel. Why do so many of us carry mace in our purses?

In summary, I think you got female POV right in Welcome but not in Scavenger.

Paco explained how you can edit. I’d just add that it helps to put something in the instructions box saying, ‘This is an edited version, please replace’.

 

[PacoFear]

I think it might help to drop the notes and replace them with phone calls. Even though they are not physically together, you can create the same tension by him trying to persuade her to go to the next level. IMHO this works whether you keep Cheryl third person or go first person – (you’ve still got to go cross-dressing to make it work).

For what it's worth, I think e_o is onto something here. A phone call would permit a bit of tension/conflict as Cheryl gets urged along by her charming hubbie. The key for me in these sorts of things isn't just that the character in Cheryl's position overcomes her hesitation, but that she gets nudged/prodded over her hesitation with assistance from the PYL.

I’ve no probs with BDSM but I found the sudden introduction of floggers and nipple rings not in keeping with the story. Like the beginning where I couldn’t believe any woman would blindly follow anonymous notes in her fridge, if she doesn’t know her seducer she would never put herself in that position in the hotel. Why do so many of us carry mace in our purses?

Ditto. I too do not shrink from a bit of BDsM, at least in its more velvety forms, but the floggers n' nipple ring appearances seemed a smidge abrupt. A little foreshadowing, just a hint that this sort of play is in their repertoire, might go a long way. Something as oblique as, "The last time he'd gotten adventurous, her wrists and ankles were rubbed raw for weeks" might prepare your reader for the later, ahem, festivities.