A few tips for Submissives questing for a Beloved

[BLoved]

Just trying to help.

Just so you know I am not involved in "causal BDSM". I am in a loving monogamous relationship with someone whom I will marry one day. I have never been to a play party, munch, or any kind of BDSM event. I might not ever attend one in my life.

I personally believe BDSM is only enhanced when you are in a loving relationship. And I agree that BDSM outside of love can be more dangerous, but I will always respect another person's right to live their life how they want.

I'm going to put you on ignore now robert. It's been fun.

But before I go, I just want to say:

Kill yourself.

I agree.

I was Robert's "beloved".

I left him because he was not who i thought he was.
He changed over the time we spent together and i realized i no longer loved him. It was a difficult decision that i came to but one that i am glad i made.

Robert is stuck in his ways.
He hates change and anything that has to do with change. In way i started to pity him. He still has not gotten over the losses in his life. He tries to cover them up with his belief that Love will cure all. But I realized it doesn't.

I knew if i told Robert all this, he would have just went about his life as if i said nothing at all. Its Robert's way or its the wrong way. I couldn't live like that. i will always have a place in my heart for Robert.

But i am glad i left. It was one of the best decisions i could have made for myself.

Take care of yourself Robert.

That was me.

And I've rated your stories 1 star a bunch of times.

~smile~

Bye bye robert.

Take care.

As you will notice, those who claim to be concerned for you are not above fraud, vote-rigging, calling for people to commit suicide and other abusive habits.

Patience and research is required to sort out those who genuinely care from those who merely play the part.

There are many people who talk of rules, but do not apply them. Their online behaviour, as illustrated in the example above, is a good indication of their true motives.

Abusers cannot help but betray their abusive qualities over and over again.

Be patient and do your research.

 

[WriterDom]

One thing I'd do. If a guy had a beloved who was sharing his house and she packed up and left after a few weeks I'd want to talk to her on the phone about this guy. And if he gave you some BS reason why such a conversation couldn't take place, I would tend to believe he made the whole Beloved thing up. The jury is still out on that. I know he creates alts and makes up shit about how the story voting works.

Love is a whisper and not a shout. People who live love based lives don't have to shout it from the rooftop every single fucking day.

I do get the whole casual thing. It's a strategy. Make it BLoved against the world and you only have to convince one poor girl (with low self esteem he harps on daily) that his way is just and everyone else is an abuser, rapist, or well I won't repeat the N word he liked to use just for shock value.

~smiles~

 

[BLoved]

One thing I'd do. If a guy had a beloved who was sharing his house and she packed up and left after a few weeks I'd want to talk to her on the phone about this guy. And if he gave you some BS reason why such a conversation couldn't take place, I would tend to believe he made the whole Beloved thing up.

So you believe it is the responsibility of a submissive who broke up with a dominant to have conversations with every women he sends her way?

Any woman who might be interested should be given the phone numbers of any and all ex-girlfriends?

Just to prove she/they actually existed?

And in what way is this fair to a woman who wants to get on with her life?

 

[WriterDom]

So you believe it is the responsibility of a submissive who broke up with a dominant to have conversations with every women he sends her way?

Any woman who might be interested should be given the phone numbers of any and all ex-girlfriends?

Just to prove she/they actually existed?

And in what way is this fair to a woman who wants to get on with her life?

My concern is with you because you speak with a six inch forked tongue. You lie when you don't have to. Makes me wonder if you lie about everything.

 

[BLoved]

My concern is with you because you speak with a six inch forked tongue. You lie when you don't have to. Makes me wonder if you lie about everything.

And you would have any woman interested in me believe that if I protect the privacy of someone I loved and avoid harassing her with requests for references by giving her phone number to strangers that I am trying to hide a fraud?

Meanwhile you blatantly ignore a self-confessed fraud.

What should submissives make of you that you ignore a genuine fraud to invent one?

 

[Stella_Omega]

And you would have any woman interested in me believe that if I protect the privacy of someone I loved and avoid harassing her with requests for references by giving her phone number to strangers that I am trying to hide a fraud?

Meanwhile you blatantly ignore a self-confessed fraud.

What should submissives make of you that you ignore a genuine fraud to invent one?

That was a harmless fraud. It was words to a (presumably) strong and self assured dominant.

Words that have had no effect upon you whatsoever, lets face it.


You have to potential to be very, very harmful. Via actions upon a presumably vulnerable and insecure woman-- oops, I mean submissive.

You could kill someone, or put them in the hospital, or drive them into a nervous breakdown all alone up there in your wilderness.

 

[BLoved]

That was a harmless fraud. It was words to a (presumably) strong and self assured dominant.

Words that have had no effect upon you whatsoever, lets face it.

You have to potential to be very, very harmful. Via actions upon a presumably vulnerable and insecure woman-- oops, I mean submissive.

You could kill someone, or put them in the hospital, or drive them into a nervous breakdown all alone up there in your wilderness.

And you and your friends are not more likely to convince someone to commit suicide?

Kill yourself.

90 pages of public abuse attacking the self-esteem of one man who does not believe in the "The 'ethics' of casual 'bdsm'" shouldn't convince anyone how willing you are to exploit those who suffer from low self-esteem in private?

And the fraud you call "harmless" should be ignored only because it did not succeed in its desired effect?

You convict yourself with your own words.

 

[WriterDom]

The voting is meant for entertainment purposes only. The more you complain about low votes the more you invite others to do so. I don't know what's in Daddy's heart when it comes to your three stories. Maybe he thought they sucked? There is an option to turn off your voting you know.

Pimping a new story is fine. But I think most everyone here is tired of you promoting the same three stories day after day. Give it a fucking rest why don't you?

 

[PhaonsBrother]

And you would have any woman interested in me believe that if I protect the privacy of someone I loved and avoid harassing her with requests for references by giving her phone number to strangers that I am trying to hide a fraud?

Meanwhile you blatantly ignore a self-confessed fraud.

What should submissives make of you that you ignore a genuine fraud to invent one?

I'm a fraud, remember. I told you I gave you a 5 on your first story out of pity. Your stories are 3's across the board.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Poor widdle Robert! Some people said REALLY MEAN things to him, and he's cwying! look-- real tears! He almost killed himself because someone on the internet told him to!

You asshole. You are either a big strong man who can handle some words, or you are a pitiful victim.

Which is it?

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Self-Esteem & BDSM

Author: Raven Shadowborne © Feb. 7, 1999


The most difficult thing for many people to understand is what self esteem is and how it affects their relationships with others. Everyone seems to have their own idea of what self esteem is. Self esteem, to me, is basically the ability to look at yourself as a good person. The presence or lack of self esteem can effect one's relationships in many ways.
When people think of self esteem they tend to think of it in very broad terms and use it to encompass more than I feel it does. Self esteem is basically being able to know you are worthy human being. This does not mean that you think of yourself as always right or as a gift to humanity. A person can have a strong sense of self esteem and still be aware of their faults, whatever they may be. Self esteem does not prevent a person from striving to broaden their horizons or strengthen their weaknesses. I believe that for one to have a strong sense of self esteem one must be able to see their good points as well as their bad ones. One must be able to see themselves as a worthy human being over all. A good sense of self esteem does not rely upon others to make it strong. Nor does it say that one should sit back and not try to improve themselves.

Self esteem can and does affect one's relationship with others. A person with a good sense of self esteem, will not usually become co-dependent upon their partner. They will not look to their partner to define their own identity. Their identity will remain seperate, though it will be enhanced by their involvment in any relationship.

Within BDSM, a strong sense of self esteem becomes very important. BDSM can become an all encompasing lifestyle that seeps into every aspect of one's life. If a person does not have a strong sense of their own self worth, they could very easily become totally dependent upon their partner for their sense of self worth. This can cause a level of dependency that is destructive to the relationship rather than a healthy part of the relationship. A person with a low self esteem becomes like a clinging vine which can eventually choke the very life from a relationship. As well, a person with a low self esteem is more likely to become involved in an abusive relationship which causes further damage to them. Most who lack self esteem would fall into the doormat category that is heard of so often. This being, a person who lets someone do whatever they want, without any regard for themselves in any fashion at all. Even a slave has some regard for themselves, a door mat does not. A door mat, or person with no self esteem, is easily manipulated and abused whether it be in BDSM or not.

A person with a strong sense of self esteem, who enters into a BDSM relationship, will be an asset to themselves and thier partner. The relationship will enhance their life and their view of themselves, not be the only source of defining these things. Someone with a strong sense of self esteem will not become so immersed in BDSM that it takes over their life to a point that it is all they can see or relate to. BDSM will enhance their lives, not be their lives. (yes this is rather paradoxical since BDSM can be the basis and a large part of one's life) A person with strong self esteem, is less likely to be taken in by those who are abusive. A person with a strong self esteem, is more capable of making a clear and informed choice to enter into a BDSM relationship. They are more knowledgable of themselves and their needs or wants. They would be less apt to completely set aside those needs or wants just to be in a relationship.

Self esteem should be something everyone has by the time they are grown. Unfortunately with life being as it is, not everyone has a strong sense of self esteem. BDSM, believe it or not, can enhance one's self esteem. It can allow a person with a shakey self esteem to gain a solid foundation of pride. In many relationships, the participants are told often they are good, beautiful what have you. Through the communication, trust, and honesty of a BDSM relationship, self esteem can be repaired or strengthened. Some ways to do this are common things done in BDSM relationships, but many don't see their benefits. For example, having a submissive list the things he/she has done right in a day can help shift the submissive's first thoughts from their bad points or things done wrong, to the things they did right. This can promote a healthier view of themselves. As well, this can prevent the common trap of self destruction that many people have by viewing themselves only in a bad light. Other things are setting rules such as the submissive can not speak ill of him/herself can help change a thought process from a negative based one to a more positive based one.

Most dominants when asked about self esteem in a submissive, state that they want a submissive who has a sense of self outside of the relationship. They state that such a sense of self allows the submissive to enhance the relationship, not detract from it. The same goes for the dominant.

Self esteem is not something that can be gained over night if it is lacking. But it is something which can be gained and should be for the relationship to be a satisfying and healthy one.

http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/ravenselfesteem.htm

 

[CeriseNin]

Oh is that how you pronounce Bobcaygeon? I thought it was bob-kay-gee-on. Bob-kay-gin.

~smiles~

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Common Insults Thrown At New Submissives
Author: Raven Shadowborne © May 1, 1999


Since I have been online, I have met many different people. Some of whom turned out to be less than honest, most of whom turned out to be very close to (if not exactly) how they appeared on line, in real life. One of the things I have noticed though, is a trend from those who label themselves as dominants, to insult a submissive whenever he/she thinks for themselves. This seems to occur most frequently when a submissive questions a dominant's actions when a relationship is just starting. In many cases it seems that those insults are tossed out to lay guilt or blame of some sort on the submissive. In some instances it appears that the insult is being used to manipulate the submissive into obedience for something they are not comfortable with by guilting them into it. It seems to work very well with those who are new to the lifestyle. I, personally, find this practice abhorrent to say the least. So I wanted to write a little bit about this topic.
The first insult that gets tossed is "You are not a true submissive!". Well since no one really knows what a true submissive is, this is a fairly ridiculous statement. Further, since the only person who knows whether or not someone is a submissive to any degree is that person themselves, no one else has the right to tell them what they are. Mostly this insult is thrown out by people who think a submissive means someone that meekly accepts anything from everyone at all times, no matter what. The problem is, this insult can make many people feel that they are indeed not submissive which may or may not be true. as well, it can be tossed as a manipulative statement to get someone to do something they do not want to do out of a fear that if they don't they will not gain acceptance into this lifestyle. I feel that this statement is often used in the same way as the "If you really loved me, you would" statement from the teen years when one's boyfriend/girlfriend tried to get more physical intimacy than the other was willing to give at the time.

Another common insult to submissives is "You are really a dom/me in sub's clothing" or similar statements. Again, since the only person who can 100% know what is inside another person at any given moment is that person themselves, this statement is negated. It often is used by people to lay blame on a submissive for asking a question of something they are not sure of. I have very rarely seen or heard of any dominant that does not allow their submissive to ask a question, especially if the topic is something which is really upsetting or bothering the submissive.

Interestingly enough, these insults (and others, which can be placed in either of the two above categories) are most often used against those who are new to the lifestyle, by people who are not truly seeking a BDSM relationship, but instead seem to be seeking an occasional play partner. In the case of someone who is mentoring a new person to this lifestyle, as the relationship goes on, eventually the subject of whether or not the mentor thinks the submissive is indeed a submissive, will come up. In the circumstances that the mentor has good knowledge of the submissive, then the statement may indeed be spoken as the truth. Though, I feel that in those cases the submissive may have already figured that out for themselves.

Another thing I have noticed with these insults is that many try to say there is only one right way to be submissive and use these statements to dismiss anyone that does not fit their view of what a submissive is. This is false as well. There are many different levels of submission and many different kinds of submissives. I feel that instead of insulting someone who is different than the kind of submissive one may be looking for, it is more desirable to try and understand this particular person's needs and desires. Doing this will increase tolerance and one's personal understanding of BDSM in general. One may be very surprised by how much one can learn from someone who is different from themselves.

In a lifestyle that is as varied as this one is, the people who insist on throwing such insults at others do this lifestyle and themselves a great disservice. The biggest thing which seems to pervade every relationship is consent at one point. Using viscious insults to manipulate a person into obedience negates that consent in my opinion. Further, I believe, it shows a true lack of understanding of this lifestyle and the thiings which make up domination and submission. Manipulation through belittling and guilt, do not (in my opinion) make a dominant. The submission of another human being is earned through a gaining of trust, not demanded or taken through guilt trips. A BDSM relationship should make both parties feel secure in themselves, not tear down their self esteem. Manipulative insults undermine the development of a healthy D/s relationship and serve no purprose other than to prevent a person from seeing their own actions for what they are by laying the blame on someone else.

Each person in this lifestyle must decide for themselves what they consider to be BDSM and what they do not, but they should also keep in mind that another's view may differ and that does not make their view wrong.

http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/newsubinsults.htm

 

[BLoved]

Common Insults Thrown At New Submissives
Author: Raven Shadowborne © May 1, 1999


Since I have been online, I have met many different people. Some of whom turned out to be less than honest, most of whom turned out to be very close to (if not exactly) how they appeared on line, in real life. One of the things I have noticed though, is a trend from those who label themselves as dominants, to insult a submissive whenever he/she thinks for themselves. This seems to occur most frequently when a submissive questions a dominant's actions when a relationship is just starting. In many cases it seems that those insults are tossed out to lay guilt or blame of some sort on the submissive. In some instances it appears that the insult is being used to manipulate the submissive into obedience for something they are not comfortable with by guilting them into it. It seems to work very well with those who are new to the lifestyle. I, personally, find this practice abhorrent to say the least. So I wanted to write a little bit about this topic.
The first insult that gets tossed is "You are not a true submissive!". Well since no one really knows what a true submissive is, this is a fairly ridiculous statement. Further, since the only person who knows whether or not someone is a submissive to any degree is that person themselves, no one else has the right to tell them what they are. Mostly this insult is thrown out by people who think a submissive means someone that meekly accepts anything from everyone at all times, no matter what. The problem is, this insult can make many people feel that they are indeed not submissive which may or may not be true. as well, it can be tossed as a manipulative statement to get someone to do something they do not want to do out of a fear that if they don't they will not gain acceptance into this lifestyle. I feel that this statement is often used in the same way as the "If you really loved me, you would" statement from the teen years when one's boyfriend/girlfriend tried to get more physical intimacy than the other was willing to give at the time.

Another common insult to submissives is "You are really a dom/me in sub's clothing" or similar statements. Again, since the only person who can 100% know what is inside another person at any given moment is that person themselves, this statement is negated. It often is used by people to lay blame on a submissive for asking a question of something they are not sure of. I have very rarely seen or heard of any dominant that does not allow their submissive to ask a question, especially if the topic is something which is really upsetting or bothering the submissive.

Interestingly enough, these insults (and others, which can be placed in either of the two above categories) are most often used against those who are new to the lifestyle, by people who are not truly seeking a BDSM relationship, but instead seem to be seeking an occasional play partner.

...

Each person in this lifestyle must decide for themselves what they consider to be BDSM and what they do not, but they should also keep in mind that another's view may differ and that does not make their view wrong.

http://www.leathernroses.com/submission/newsubinsults.htm

What is sadly lacking on this forum is a "live and let live" policy common to reasonable adults.

There is nothing wrong with defining BDSM such that it excludes abuse, and to do so one must first define "abuse".

There is nothing wrong with sharing that information with others ... that is how we learn.

And then there are those who feel it is their god-given duty to stalk a poster through every discussion, harassing that individual with non-stop personal insults because he does not believe as they believe.

That is not "live and let live", nor does it demonstrate any conviction in their own beliefs that they must stoop to such tactics to silence anyone who does not share their cherished beliefs.

That is fanaticism.

Reasonable adults present reasonable arguments and if agreement is impossible, they agree to disagree.

Non-stop stalking/harassment of one person who disagrees is the act of insecurity and an obsessive-compulsive urge to control others.

You will notice in BDSM Talk and BDSM Cafe there are many such individuals, suported by the mod who invents rules ("slow-motion flooding") etc to provide an excuse for evicting the individual who does not believe as the others believe.

This is not promoting free speech.

This is not promoting diversity.

This is not promoting a "live and let live" policy, nor does it promote responsible posting.

What it promotes is the same stalking/harassment behaviour we see so much of here.

Once the trolls are rewarded for trolling, they believe themselves invincible, capable of treating anyone they wish in this manner because they believe themselves in control of the mod whose lack of integrity and committment to free speech and diversity has rewarded them for their stalking/harassment.

This is why all online bdsm discussion boards are controlled by trolls.

Strategies

Paint a Rosy Picture

Control the medium, and you control the message.

The casual community has learned this lesson well.

By ensuring they are in positions of control: site owners, group owners, moderators, etc they are in a position to ensure only the message they want others to hear will be heard, and no other.

From this position they can make any claim, and as they have the authority to control what is heard, dissent is never heard.

And anyone who doesn't get with the program can be made an example of for others.

-- excerpt from "Casual 'BDSM' and Emotional Abuse - The Case for Love"

So if you are seeking a beloved, do not expect any help from the various online bdsm boards ... they are nothing more than recruiting stations for the casual community.

They do not promote diversity, free speech, or a live and let live policy.

They are controlled by fanatics who will stalk and harass anyone who does not share their cherished beliefs.

 

[paiselyavenger]

Thank you for your words of advice. I don't know if I'm questing, or who for, or whatever... I don't know much right now... and that's too much information. sorry... Anyway, I thought this was a sound piece of advice and thanks for posting it.
Regards
paisely

 

[Stella_Omega]

That's a really cute name, Bloved alt.

 

[Etoile]

Except for the failing to spell paisley. That makes it less cute and more AGH MY EYES.

But yeah, quite definitely another alt. *snorts*

 

[seela]

Check the bio in profile. Very BLoved-ish.

 

[Seurat]

But yeah, quite definitely another alt.

Why, I don't know what you are talking about. It's quite obvious that this person is the opposite of BLoved. In every single way. Master/sub...sex...even to location on the continent.


Nothing suspicious there, is there?

:/

 

[satindesire]

The fact that he threw in the word "Questing" gave it away for me. Who fucking uses that word in a sentence SERIOUSLY unless they're talking about World of Warcraft?!

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Whenever I see 'questing for a beloved' my brain always goes to

http://a1.vox.com/6a00cd97849482f9cc01098154a6e1000d-500pi

 

[Cattypuss]

"Questing" always makes me think of Monty Python and the Holy Grail

 

[Epmd607]

WTF does 'southern U.S.' mean? Is it like 'northern Ontario'?

 

[satindesire]

WTF does 'southern U.S.' mean? Is it like 'northern Ontario'?

I think it means some state bordering the southern coast of the USA, it could be any one of the states between Texas and Florida.

 

[WriterDom]

It means he learned from his last mistake and made a profile but this one is now fucked too so back to the drawing board I guess.