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A few tips for Submissives questing for a Beloved

intothewoods said:
I actually don't think it's so bad, if you ignore the inflammatory stuff about the big, bad world of the scene. It's not bdsm-specific advice by any means, and I didn't read it in excruciating detail (so I may be missing something nutty), but if you are looking for a serious relationship, you could do worse to come up with a list of preferences and deal-breakers and ensure that you have healthy self-esteem before entering a relationship. And you should spend time getting to know the person to make sure your preferences and deal-breakers match up.

It's all very unspontaneous of course. It reminds me of Charlotte on Sex and the City or something. But I don't think there's anything wrong with that if it works for you. And yes, of course "if it works for you" is the part that is often missing in his posts.
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"Who you are

What you want "

I agree. This section is especially good. If you've read anything in the last 20 years of popular dialog on dating, however, you've probably seen it somewhere. You'd have to be pretty asleep at the wheel not to absorb this kind of thing, and I don't understand why it needs to be re-framed as BDSM advice at all, so much as how not to date an asshole advice.
 
interesting.
advice on questing for a beloved - from the same person who got over his beloved running from him, after one night's sleep!
 
BLoved said:
Are you saying that to address those with low self-esteem or a poor self-image is the same as accusing "all submissives" of having low self-esteem?

Let's look at the introduction of this essay:



I would think it obvious that the tips I am offering are to help people avoid being manipulated.

Those with low self-esteem are most at risk.
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Just out of curiosity, do you really think that someone suffering from low self-esteem is going to read what your writing and think it applies to them? Because most people I've met with low self-esteem would think anything like that applies to everyone but them.

Just saying...
 
Best tip of all: Don't go near Robert from the outskirts of Bobcaygeon.
 
Some more tips:
Note: This essay was originally written circa 1996 and was the keystone essay of my "Submissive Women Kvetch" website. (The site's name was a parody of a somewhat similarly named site put by someone who in my opinion was pretty much the worst possible advisor a novice submissive woman could ever have. While I couldn't do anything about the existence of that site, I figured that I could certainly give it competition.) While this essay shows its age a bit, it's actually stood the test of time fairly well. It's been lightly edited for this 2009 reposting.


Ten Tips for the Novice, Single, Heterosexual, Submissive Woman (Version 1.0)
by Jay Wiseman, author of "SM 101: A Realistic Introduction"


Let me guess. You're a woman, you're heterosexual, and you keep having strange, disturbing, recurring, and intense fantasies of a powerful, masterful man having his way with you. Perhaps he tears off your clothes and takes you. Perhaps he throws you over his knee and gives you a long, hard spanking. Perhaps he ties you naked and spread-eagled to a bed and proceeds to alternately tease and torture you for hours. Perhaps he locks his collar around your neck and orders you to kneel at his feet -- and you do, both fearing and loving every second of it.

Have these fantasies become so intense and recurring that they make up almost every sexual fantasy you have? Have they become the centerpiece of your thinking when you masturbate? Have you looked through personal ads searching for the ones from men that mention bondage, spanking, and related practices, longing but not daring to answer them? Have you thought of asking a man to help you explore your fantasies? Do you worry that if you mention these desires to a man that you might end up being beaten or even raped? Do you wonder how on earth you are ever going to reconcile your deeply submissive desires with your distinctly feminist beliefs? Do you have the increasingly strong feeling that if you don't act upon these feelings soon then you will go insane with frustration?

If many of these thoughts and feelings seem familiar, then it's likely that you have an erotically submissive side and that you're either ready or nearly ready to explore this aspect of yourself. If this is the case then, as the saying goes, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news -- and I've got some advice.

Before I go further, please let me introduce myself. My name is Jay Wiseman. I'm a heterosexual, Caucasian male, born in 1949, who currently (2009) lives in San Francisco. I have been exploring the practices associated with erotic domination and submission since 1971, am primarily but not exclusively dominant in my own desires, and since 1975 I have been a member of what is often called the Bay Area SM Community.

During the decades that have passed since I came into the community, I have probably somewhere between 1500 and 2000 SM-related lectures, demonstrations, discussion groups, parties, and related events. (The total just might actually be higher than that.) I have also given several hundred presentations at SM groups, both locally and across the country -- ranging from Boston to New York to Seattle to Los Angeles. I've presented in more than 60 cities in the United States and Canada. For more than twenty years, I have advised, taught, mentored, trained, and otherwise assisted many novice submissive women, and many other types of people, during their explorations into the realities of what is often called sadomasochism -- SM (or, sometimes, BDSM) for short. I am perhaps best known in this respect as the author of the book "SM 101: A Realistic Introduction" published by Greenery Press.

OK. That's enough about me. Now, as I was saying about your situation, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news -- and I've got some advice. The following is not intended as a comprehensive guide, but it should help you get off to a good start.

First, the good news: It is quite possible for you to explore your fantasies in a healthy and constructive manner, without in any way diminishing who you are as a human being and without compromising your feminist beliefs in the slightest. It is also quite possible for you to find a man who is a good, decent, highly ethical, and definitely non-abusive person to help you explore this aspect of yourself. There is even a fairly good possibility that you will end up in an ongoing relationship with such a man, and feel delighted that you did. I know many submissive women who found their "Master Right."

Now for the bad news: A few seriously "bad apples" lurk in the SM "barrel." There is no approved screening and training program that would-be masters must successfully complete. There are no continuing education or licensing requirements. There is no malpractice insurance. Any idiot can proclaim himself a "master." A jerk in his late forties who tried to tie up a girlfriend once when he was sixteen may claim "I have over thirty years of real-life experience."

Thus, it can be difficult, or even impossible, for a novice submissive woman (such as you) to quickly tell the difference between a wonderful prince and a horrid frog. Therefore, it is also possible for you to encounter a "master" who is unethical, manipulative, exploitative, abusive, and an utterly horrible person for you to open up to in the way that a submissive can open up to a dominant. Getting involved with such a man can leave you heavily damaged -- emotionally, physically, financially, and in other ways. Unfortunately, I also know of some submissive women who got involved with "Master Wrong" or even "Master Nightmare." Most recovered. Some didn't.

Now for the advice: What you will be doing, in a very real sense, is exploring a wilderness. Therefore it makes a great deal of sense to approach your explorations into SM in much the same way that you would approach your explorations into any other type of wilderness. This wilderness, like all others, contains large amounts of both beauty and danger. Do yourself a big favor and never forget those two extremely important facts.

OK, Ms. Explorer, how might you approach that wilderness?

Tip One: Study and otherwise prepare before you approach it.

In one way, you are very lucky to approach the SM wilderness at this time, because it has been already been extensively explored, and many people are willing to share their own findings. While universal agreement does not exist regarding what is and what is not appropriate SM, in reality there is actually fairly close consensus among most experienced practitioners about most points. Most explorers have come to highly similar conclusions and recommendations, and many are quite willing to share this information with interested others. In particular, there are several very good books on the subject, a large number of excellent SM educational organizations (most large cities have at least one), and a wealth of quality information on the internet. You will find references to some of the better resources at the end of this article.

Also, again, as with approaching any other wilderness, it would also be prudent to do a bit of preparing for emergencies before heading out. Many SM people have done things like taken a first aid/CPR class, had an HIV test done, and gotten shots to protect themselves against exposure to Hepatitis A and B. Additionally, do you know what a "safeword" is and how a "silent alarm" works? Find out before you play with someone in private.

Tip Two: Get some perspective.

On the one hand, there is no such thing as the National Bureau of Sadomasochistic Standards and Practices that issues rulings about what is and what is not "real" SM. Therefore, people must work out between themselves what does and what does not work for them. On the other hand, there is actually fairly close consensus among experienced practitioners regarding the broad outlines of what is and what is not appropriate. That being the case, it would be smart to seek out a variety of such opinions.

More to the point, it would be very dumb of you to depend upon only one source of information, no matter how "convincing" or "authoritative" that (usually male) source of information tries to appear. Try to read at least three different books, written by three different authors, on the subject. Look over a number of different web sites. Attend as many different SM-related presentations, by as many different presenters, as you can.

Tip Three: Time is your best and most important friend.

Rushing into any sort of wilderness is a Bad Idea. Take your time. Look over the landscape. Talk with the natives. Talk with lots of different natives. Observe their colorful native costumes. (Many of these natives look far more scary than they really are. Don't let the sight of those whips and chains frighten you too much.) Venture into their shops and look over the goods for sale. (Don't feel too bad if you can't immediately figure out how some of those goods are used.) In particular, don't get heavily and exclusively involved with any one particular "native" too quickly.

Key Point: The seriously dangerous, abusive, predators usually shun the mainstream SM community because they know they would quickly be discovered and ostracized. Therefore, they lurk on the fringes of the community, trying to "pick off" the novice submissive female, whose low level of knowledge and uninformed perspective can make her dangerously vulnerable. By the way, guess what you are?

Tip Four: You may get more attention than you can easily handle.

You are a female who is entering a territory in which it is common for there to be more men than women, and many of these men are looking for a woman to do SM with. (In common SM parlance, to do SM with someone is to "play" with them. This is not meant in any sort of diminishing or trivializing way, but rather in a manner similar to how one might "play" tennis or bridge with a partner.)

Anyway, there tend to be more men than women in the "relatively heterosexual" sections of the SM community (there are men-only and women-only sections as well) and many of these men are looking for women to be either occasional or ongoing "play" partners. (A fair number of women and couples are looking for female play partners too.) Therefore, you may get numerous polite offers -- and, unfortunately, a few not-so-polite offers -- for coffee dates or other get-togethers. There is nothing necessarily bad or wrong with such offers but, again, go slowly and don't get heavily involved with any one particular man (or woman, or couple) too quickly. In particular, be relatively quick to accept personal information from others, but be relatively slow about giving out personal information about yourself to others such as your telephone number, where you work, your email address, and so forth.

Given that the competition for new females can occasionally be intense (by the way, don't let me scare you too much on this point), keep in mind that the person who shows the most aggressiveness in meeting you may not be the best person for you to become involved with. Indeed, and sadly, the converse is often more likely to be true. The nicer guys often hold back out of courtesy and respect while the creeps thrust themselves into your face.

Keep your options open. Try to meet and have conversations with many different men. It is important that you not allow any one particular man (or woman, or couple) to monopolize your time and attention. Remember that the slightly more reserved people are often the better people to become involved with.

(By the way, once you've gotten some knowledge and perspective, meeting prospective partners via personal ads can be useful, as there will be no direct competition when you talk on the phone or meet at a public restaurant.)
Also, the more "known" a man is, the safer he is likely to be. As a rule, a man who has been known in his local SM community for over a year is probably relatively safe (although exceptions exist). A lesser known man is more questionable. Again, take your time.

Another Key Point: You are under absolutely no obligation to act in a submissive manner towards a man until after the two of you have negotiated that -- and done so as equals. If some jerk tries to insist that you call him "Sir" or "Master," or tries to give you orders, or touches you in an overly familiar way, or says that you're not being properly submissive when you haven't previously agreed to be submissive specifically to him, your "creep alarm" should start ringing loudly -- and you should head elsewhere, fast.

(By the way, a friend of mine who is a very experienced submissive woman has ruefully come to believe that there is a strong inverse relationship between how good a dominant a man is and how quickly he brings up to subject of fellatio.)

On the other hand, a low-key, friendly, courteous approach by a dominant is a very positive sign. Good-quality dominants tend to take a measured, attentive, respectful approach.

Tip Five: Take "elite" (and other) claims with a large grain of salt.

Some men, in an attempt to impress you, may claim to be members of an "elite" private SM organization that only admits the "select few" -- and you, tasty little morsel that you are, just happen to qualify. Well, the truth is that there are many relatively private SM clubs, but almost all are small, local groups, and most don't make any special claims of being "elite" or "true" SM organizations. In particular, I would urge you to be extremely skeptical of anyone claiming to be a "true master" or to practice the "one true form" of SM.

Remember that a bit of bragging on a man's part is often a normal part of dating behavior, so let him talk -- and listen carefully to both what he says and how he says it. How long has he been in the community? How many meetings, parties, and other events has he attended? What relevant books has he read? Has he ever given a presentation at an SM club? If so, did he get invited back? Has he ever served a term as an officer in an SM club? If so, how did most of the club members feel about him by the time his term was over?

What are his opinions about others in the community, and his view of their opinions towards him? Dominant men often have strong personalities and strong opinions, and thus often evoke strong reactions. Therefore, it would be relatively normal if he had a bad view of a few people in the community, but does he have a bad view of virtually everybody? (By the way, notice how quickly, frequently, and intensely he voices negative opinions about others. That itself can be insightful.)

It would also be relatively normal if he (correctly) believed that he had a few enemies in the community, but does he believe he is being widely shunned, or even conspired against?

How many friends does he have? Does he at least get along with most other dominant men? How do the dominant women in the club feel about him? Does he get along with most submissive men? In particular, does he have any close, deep, ongoing friendships?

When out on a date with such a man, notice how he treats the people in service jobs. Remember what's sometimes called the waitress test: Notice how your date treats the waitress -- because that's how he's going to be treating you in six months. As one submissive woman remarked about how her (now ex) "Master" treated such people, "I figured it out. He's not a dominant. He's a rude asshole."

How does he now feel about the women he used to be involved with? If he has a low opinion of one or two of them, that's relatively normal, but if he claims that all of them were lying, unstable, bitches, it's time to get worried.
Check out his sense of humor, as this is often deeply reflective of the person. Be wary of the dominant who cannot laugh at himself.

(By the way, another submissive woman of long and somewhat world-weary experience has concluded that there is also a strong inverse relationship between how many titles a man awards himself and how good a dominant he is. Remember that fact when you meet someone who wants you to address him as MasterTopDaddyLordSir.)

Tip Six: Know that "malicious warnings" occur.

The SM community is made up of human beings, and human beings can be both ethical and unethical. While most people in the SM community are pretty ethical most of the time, there are lapses. This community, unfortunately but predictably, has its full human share of personality conflicts, political feuds, bitter feelings following failed relationships, and so forth.

While the community does try to warn newcomers about genuinely dangerous people, understand that this warning process is usually not well organized, usually lacking in "due process," and often not very objective in how such warnings are made. It is therefore, unfortunately, subject to abuse by unethical people. (Remember that there are at least two sides to a story, and the guy may not even know an unflattering "story" is being told about.) Therefore, I advise you to take an unsolicited warning with a grain of salt.
Let's say that you are at a club meeting and having a conversation with a dominant man who seems decent enough, but after your conversation with him someone else, whom you barely know, warns you that the man you were talking to is an evil, unstable, battering, substance abuser who kicks his dog and votes Republican. What should you do?

First, discreetly ask around (or simply listen as people talk). How many other people agree with your self-appointed "helpful friend's" assessment? Is there any history of a personality conflict, and/or of a political feud, and/or of a failed relationship between the two of them? Do the members of one particular clique seem to thing that the guy in question is a creep but the rest of the club members feel OK about him?

Second, try this test: Ask several women who seem fairly stable and objective to name some men that might be good for you to play with, and see who does and does not make their lists. How do those lists compare? What reasons are given for the selections and exclusions?

Third, again, give it time. Personality always emerges over time. Give him enough time and, sooner or later -- and it's usually sooner rather than later -- you'll be able to judge quite clearly for yourself whether the guy is a prince or a frog. (You'll know something important about that helpful friend, too.)

Tip Seven: Beware, especially, of the person who tries to isolate you.

Perhaps the single biggest "red flag" that a prospective male partner might be abusive or otherwise toxic is an attempt by him to limit your access to information and discussion about what are and what are not considered appropriate SM practices, ethics, and relationships.

This can sometimes be a bit difficult to determine because, as I mentioned, the competition for new females can sometimes be intense; therefore it's understandable that a man might want to arrange for you to spend a significant amount of time just with him to see if he can form a relationship with you. (And let us remember there is a decent chance that such a relationship might very well be a wonderful thing for both of you.)

Try this test: Dating realities being what they are, it's understandable that a guy might not want you to spend much time with other guys (indeed, it's a harsh fact, but many men won't bring a woman to an SM club meeting until their own relationship with her is firmly established), but how does he feel about your spending time with other sources of information?

If he strongly opposes your discussing or learning about SM from a source other than him, beware! If he doesn't want you reading non-fiction books about SM, or looking over web sites about SM, or attending presentations given by SM clubs, or hanging out with other submissive women, or in any other way "corrupting" yourself with such ideas of "false SM" when he is willing to bestow upon you the honor and privilege of learning "true SM" (from him), get out of there!

On the other hand, if he gives you books to read, points out web sites and other internet resources, takes you to various SM-related presentations, and -- in particular -- puts you in contact with other submissive women, stick around for a while.

Tip Eight: Seek, especially, the advice and companionship of other submissive women.

I increasingly believe that the first resource a novice submissive woman should be referred to when she comes into the SM community is a support group for submissive women -- preferably a group whose members meet face-to-face at least once a month. Several SM clubs have such a group, and more are starting them.

There is usually a tremendous amount of collective wisdom and perspective in such a group, and a novice submissive can learn a great deal very quickly. Probably the only big limit would be a "no setting up play dates" rule at the meetings. If a woman makes an offer to you, during such a group meeting, such as, "you know, a few play dates with my wonderful Master (and maybe me as well) would teach you ever so much" I suggest that you quietly decline.

On the other hand, as you meet many other submissive (or switchable)
women, you may find that you have a particularly close rapport with some of them, and these women can become some of your best friends.

Hopefully there will be many such women in the group, and they will come from a variety of backgrounds, and not all be members of the same group, clique, or club (other than that one). Among other things, this is a great place to check out a dominant's reputation. If most of the women in the group think he's a good guy, that's one sign. If most of them think he's a jerk, that's another sign. (In both cases, try to get specifics as to why they feel that way. What, exactly, are the things he did or didn't do that were so wonderful or so terrible? Opinions unaccompanied by facts aren't worth much.)

Tip Nine: Explore.

Your first year of involvement in the SM world is often a time of tremendous personal growth and change. You will likely have many new experiences, meet many new people, and see many new sights. (Being into SM allows you opportunities to wear some truly wonderful outfits, too.) In addition to exploring your submissive aspects, you might also find that you have some dominant aspects to yourself.

(A many "submissive" women are not exclusively submissive. Many are more correctly called "switches," and they at least occasionally enjoy taking the opposite role. This is also true of many "dominant" men.)

Also, you will probably have a chance to take a closer look at issues such as bisexuality and non-monogamy. I've found that at least half of the women in the "relatively heterosexual" section of the SM community are at least somewhat bisexual, and a large percentage of the couples are other than entirely monogamous.

You will also likely have a chance to explore many different SM-related practices. For example, you may have had fantasies of being tied up, and you'll likely get a chance to explore that. You may also get opportunities to explore activities such as spanking, whipping, using clamps, dripping hot wax, and so forth.

One bit of advice: It's common to find that you will come to enjoy a broader range of activities over time, and that some (but not all) of the activities which at first held little interest for you, or perhaps even turned you off will become enjoyable. There's a saying: "Never say never."

On the other hand, there is a proper time and place to explore. Trust your intuition. If doing something feels really right, then doing it probably is right.
On the other hand, if doing something distinctly feels wrong, then doing it probably is wrong. In particular, don't rush into anything blindly. Never let some "expert" talk you into doing something if doing it doesn't feel right. There is no rush about doing any of this. The truth almost always emerges over time, so give yourself that time.

It can be insightful to play with several different partners as you explore SM, but you have to go about it carefully. This is true even if your ultimate goal is to find, and be monogamous with, "Master Right." As always, take your time, get to know the other person fairly well, and negotiate carefully before you play. It can be useful to keep the "NTA test" in mind: How do you feel about the idea of being "naked, tied up, and alone" with this person? By the way, one great feature of play parties is that they allow you to the chance to play with a new partner in relative safety.

Notice how things are developing over time in any relationship you may establish with a dominant man. While every relationship has its ups and downs, its successes and failures, and its rough spots and smooth spots, the overall trend should be a good one. If you basically feel happy and, over time, generally feel happier with your partner and your relationship, that's a good sign.

On the other hand, if you basically feel unhappy and, over time, generally feel unhappier about your partner and your relationship, that's a bad sign -- a very bad sign. If you're unhappy and getting unhappier, get some help or get out. (One novice submissive woman, who was miserable in her relationship, asked me "every time he learns that I like something, he takes it away from me -- even the pleasure of my giving him an orgasm. Is it supposed to be like that? I didn't know I knew so many different ways of saying "no." She didn't stay in that relationship much longer.)

Tip Ten: When the proper time comes, help educate and orient new submissive women, and others.

Interest in SM is growing rapidly, and the demand for realistic information is growing accordingly. Don't be too surprised if other people, when they learn of your interest, start asking you for information and advice. This may start happening long before you feel ready to start giving it. Don't worry too much. The generally agreed upon principles are fairly well known, and it's not difficult to refer people to good sources of information. (You may quickly become a pretty good source of such information yourself.)

Remember that in a very real sense, there is a fierce competition, almost a war, going on between the "good guy" educators and the "bad guy" predators for the "hearts and minds" of the novices, particularly the novice submissive women, and that the stakes are very high -- sometimes as high as life or death.

The "good guys" always need more team members. Please join when you're ready.
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http://www.jaywiseman.com/SEX_BDSM_10TipsNoviceSubfem.html
 
Daddy2mylilgirl said:
Some more tips:


http://www.jaywiseman.com/SEX_BDSM_10TipsNoviceSubfem.html
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You might also want to avoid people who do this:

Daddy2mylilgirl said:
Just so you know I am not involved in "causal BDSM". I am in a loving monogamous relationship with someone whom I will marry one day. I have never been to a play party, munch, or any kind of BDSM event. I might not ever attend one in my life.

I personally believe BDSM is only enhanced when you are in a loving relationship. And I agree that BDSM outside of love can be more dangerous, but I will always respect another person's right to live their life how they want.

I'm going to put you on ignore now robert. It's been fun.

But before I go, I just want to say:

ImOnIt said:
Kill yourself.
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I agree.

Oncebeloved said:
I was Robert's "beloved".

I left him because he was not who i thought he was.
He changed over the time we spent together and i realized i no longer loved him. It was a difficult decision that i came to but one that i am glad i made.

Robert is stuck in his ways.
He hates change and anything that has to do with change. In way i started to pity him. He still has not gotten over the losses in his life. He tries to cover them up with his belief that Love will cure all. But I realized it doesn't.

I knew if i told Robert all this, he would have just went about his life as if i said nothing at all. Its Robert's way or its the wrong way. I couldn't live like that. i will always have a place in my heart for Robert.

But i am glad i left. It was one of the best decisions i could have made for myself.

Take care of yourself Robert.
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That was me. :D

And I've rated your stories 1 star a bunch of times.

~smile~

Bye bye robert.

Take care. :)
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Be very wary of the trolls on the BDSM forum. They are quite numerous.
 
BLoved said:
A few tips for Submissives questing for a Beloved

As most everyone knows, there is a lot of non-consensual manipulation on any bdsm board.

Whether it is the wannabes, or a clique of posters who bully their way around the boards, there are more than enough people who see nothing wrong with non-consensual manipulation: providing they are the ones doing the manipulating.

Their targets: anyone with insecurities and/or low self-esteem.

While it is debatable whether those with insecurities and low self-esteem should even engage in bdsm, the fact remains they -are- here, they will seek, and they will likely find someone.

Whether that "someone" is a god-send or an abuser is another matter.

The first step in handling manipulators (there is no avoiding them) is to have as clear an idea as possible about who you are and what you want.
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The section above is one I have some large issues with. It is the part that makes you sound disturbed. Did you really need this part? "Whether it is the wannabes, or a clique of posters who bully their way around the boards, there are more than enough people who see nothing wrong with non-consensual manipulation: providing they are the ones doing the manipulating." I think this is you acting out and lashing out at people not really of help to your target, but you know I could be wrong.

BLoved said:
Who you are
Those with insecurities and/or low self-esteem have a horrible time with this question. For whatever reason, they have a biased view of themselves, quite often deeming themselves lucky to have anyone at all and quite willing to change anything in order to obtain approval from others.

Not good. This is how you get manipulated into all sorts of things you never wanted to experience and never dreamed anyone would seek from you.

There is an enormous difference between someone who will do anything because that's what they want, and someone who will do anything to attract a partner.

Don't be the latter. That's how you end up getting abused. And then you blame yourself for the abuse (after all you agreed, right?). This further reduces your self-esteem, and the cycle comes full circle when you do it all over again.

To avoid this, make a pact with yourself to decide what you want and to stick to it no matter how many people say "I'd want you if only this were different".

Those people are not leading you to your dream.

What you want
This is essentially a two-day process.

The first day, write down all the qualities you want to find in your partner. Nothing is too insignificant, nothing is too unreasonable. It is your dream list, and you should prepare it with pride and confidence.

Read it over through the day, adding or changing whatever seems appropriate for you.

Then sleep on it.

Next day, read that list again. Is everything there? You are bound to find things you overlooked. Perhaps these are things you felt no one should expect: expect it anyway.

Make that list as complete as possible: it is your checklist, not just for the partner of your dreams, but also to ward off those who will pressure you to accept them instead.

Running the ad
Bottom line - the checklist is the ad. You can post it as is, or write it out in prose and poetry. You needn't include everything on your list, but everything on your list will still count for you. Remember your pact to yourself. This is how you keep yourself from being lured with promises of companionship if only you'd do things you don't really want to do.

Expect everyone to say they like what you like. No way to tell the real from the fake at this point. They will all say they like what you wrote.

So before you answer, do a little homework.

Examine their profile
If it lacks details, that is a stroke against them. They can just as easily answer -any- ad as yours with no details posted.

Interests listed that you want to avoid, another stroke against them. Perhaps they're flexible about those activities, or perhaps they didn't bother to read your ad, or they don't care what you want. Be wary.

Age, location, appearance etc, compare with your checklist.

If they don't have a picture, ask for one. Do not make -any- commitment without one.

Inquiries and Responses
Manners always count. be sure to use yours, and expect it from others. You don't belong to anyone but yourself, and have assumed no role in anyone's life. You should be treated as such, regardless of what your ad says.

It is up to you to give others permission to treat you differently. They should know this if they know what they are doing.

Aside from what many people have said, short introductory notes are fine as long as they are directing you to read a detailed profile/journal. Keep in mind those who are seriously searching will have put the time in on their profile, and it is unreasonable to expect them to re-write it when introducing themselves to you.

Whatever you send out, re-read it twice to be sure you've weeded out anything that sounds desperate or needy. Your search only requires one promise from you eventually: to meet the person who fits your checklist. Don't issue any other promise, nor make promises to meet anyone else.

Bear in mind the only way anyone is going to trust you is by the promises you keep. Show that your word means a lot to you and their trust will be easier to obtain.

If you must break a promise to meet, do so before the date and request a new date (assuming you are not breaking your promise because you've just discovered the individual in question is not the right choice). If you were forced to break a promise without being able to give notice, apologize as soon as possible, explain the cause (assuming discretion permits it) and request a new date.

While no promise should be broken, it is not always possible to keep them. Be sure you limit yourself to only one such incident per individual, as a pattern of broken promises will not give the individual in question much reason to believe you.

This is one good reason for making promises as scarce as possible.

Requests
No doubt there will be plenty of these, from pictures to online sex to webcams to ...

Consider the degree of familiarity that exists when the request is made. Do you feel comfortable agreeing to this, or are you doing it to keep their interest?

Avoid the latter.

You should never agree to a request with which you are uncomfortable.

Bear in mind there is nothing wrong with a request (depending upon the way in which it is asked), and there is nothing wrong with refusing a request.

It is strictly a matter of your comfort level.

Temptations / changing your mind
There is no easy way to address this topic.

I said earlier that your checklist was your way of avoiding being abused and/or used.

However, you are going to be tempted to change your mind from time to time.

It may be new ideas that appeal to you. It may be a bout of loneliness that weakens your resolve. It may be the individual is playing on your insecurities.

Whatever you do, do not change your checklist without a struggle.

I suggest that whatever changes you might wish to make should go through that two-day process you used to generate the checklist in the first place. Give serious thought to why you wrote the checklist the way you did and how the changes will affect the outcome for you: will you be happy with that person living that way?

This is not to say you should never change your checklist, only to recognize that it is in these changes that the potential for undesirable results exists.

So be careful with this.

Self-esteem
There really is no substitute for self-esteem. If you think poorly of yourself, spend some time working out why you feel this way. Perhaps writing out a list of qualities that cause you to think this way. Now put yourself in the shoes of your best friend and look over that list, and imagine what he or she would say were he or she reading it.

Hearing a lot of disagreement? Most likely. Those with low self-esteem rarely deserve to feel as they do. But through a variety of means they have been taught that their opinion of themselves is less important than the opinion of others. They fail to take into account their accomplishments, and magnify their mistakes. They tend to blame themselves for the faults of others, and certainly focus on their own faults almost to the exclusion of any good qualities they have.

We all have faults. We all stumble. We all make mistakes from time to time. Do not hold your humanity against you. If you are not a vicious person, have not gone out of your way to hurt others, wish to love and be loved, you have many excellent qualities that you should value. Are you good with children and pets? Do you want to help those in need? You cry and laugh at all the appropriate points in a movie? Look at all the little things you do to make the lives of others more enjoyable, and you will find someone worth knowing, worth loving.

Embrace who you are, and who you want to become.

And keep in mind something I like to believe (whether it be true or not, no one ever knows):

Somewhere out there is your partner, and he or she is feeling just as empty and lonely as you, because you aren't in his or her life. That's the person you are looking for. That's your Beloved. If you give up, or settle for less, your Beloved wanders the earth without you, always missing you. And you cannot achieve all you can be with someone who is not suited for you.

That's why you make a pact with yourself to stick with your checklist: to find your Beloved and so your Beloved can find you.

________________________________________

Will this protect everyone? Probably not. Human interactions are the most complex and there is no categorizing all of those which can lead to abuse.

But I do believe the advice above will help some find the path to a healthier self-image and thus be less vulnerable to manipulation.

For more information on what to avoid while seeking love, I recommend Casual 'BDSM' and Emotional Abuse: The Case for Love

Wishing you a safe journey through life.
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The rest of this stuff is great with one little exception the "Who are you" section. There are people with great self esteem who have a hard time answering that question. Hell to be honest I am not sure you know who you really are. Do any of us really know ourselves? Humans are an interesting creature we constantly change and evolve. What you are today is not necessarily what you are going to be a year from now.

Just food for thought.
 
I just want to add that I have abominably low self-esteem, and have for years, but I've managed to avoid being abused.
 
BLoved said:
You might also want to avoid people who do this:



Be very wary of the trolls on the BDSM forum. They are quite numerous.
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you can attack me all you want robert.

But that won't stop me from trying to help submissives who are questing for a beloved.
 
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Advice for the novice submissive

I'veve put together a list of what I consider to be essential thoughts. These are in no particular order and it's rather long.

1) The only rule is: Do Not Harm. This means mentally or physically. Any other rules you choose to accept you get to thoroughly own.

2) There is not a rule book that has been distributed to everyone else and missed you. Anybody who tells you how D/s is done is blowing smoke up your butt. There are as many variations to this lifestyle as there are people in this world. You do not have to accept someone else's version of this lifestyle.

3) Before you are contracted or collared to someone, you make your own decisions. It is perfectly okay to not do what a Dominant tells you to before you are collared or contracted to that Dominant. Matter of fact, I would recommend not obeying every schmuck that comes along calling himself a Dominant. Find out for yourself if he's a Dominant, and then obey if you are so inclined.

4) Before you contract to a Dominant or become collared by a Dominant: NEGOTIATE! This is your time to lay out your hard limits along with yours and his expectations about the relationship. If your expectation is that it will be a monogamous relationship and his expectation is for it to be an open or poly relationship it's best to find out before you commit. This is also a good time to ask questions like: A) What happens if I get pregnant? B) What happens if I move across the country for you, quit my job for you and you release me, abuse me, or make me so miserable I want to cut my heart out with a plastic spoon? C) Are we having unprotected sex and if so, may I see the certificate from the doctor regarding your HIV and STD tests? Put all this writing and both of you sign it. It won't mean squat in a court of law, but it will cover your butt in the case of arguments.

5) Safety, Safety, Safety. Dead subsmissives don't serve. Use your head. If a Dominant is about to do something to you that can cause you harm, speak up and possibly get out. There are a lot of inexperienced players out there that believe the Sleeping Beauty Books are real.

6) There will be a lot of people proclaiming that they are Dominants and Masters to you. Some of them are wonderful, incredible people, some are full of crap, some of them are looking for easy sex, and some of them are down right delusional. Understand that actions will always speak louder than words. I can proclaim myself the Queen of the United States and then demand that all of you send me your taxes so I can quit my job and build a 1600sf $5million house in Laguna Beach, but you're not going to do it, right? Be aware that there are people that search out novices because they know that they can take advantage of you.

7) There is always someone out there that will appreciate what you bring to the table. Don't change who you are to suit somebody else, simply because they say so. Men out number women in the scene 3 to 1. So, there are a lot of fish in the sea. Don't settle for someone that doesn't fit you.

8) There is a difference between domineering and Dominant. Webster's Dictionary says: Dominant - ruling or prevailing, Domineering - harsh, arrogant, tyrannizing, overbearing. Dominants shouldn't feel the need to be bullies. If someone does act that way...run away....fast.

9) Get yourself a mentor. Mentors DO NOT play or have sexual relations with the submissive they are mentoring. Mentors are there to teach protocol, to protect and to guide. This means you should get a mentor in your own community, not some online guy half way around the world. The reason is simple; if my Master were your mentor and you came to him and said, "I have been asked to play by Dom XXXX." Master would tell you no. Why? Because the guy has put at least 2 women in the hospital and was actually taken to court by an ex-submissive. We know this because we live in the same geographic area as Dom XXXX. Some guy in Chicago would not know this.

10) You do not have to call every Dominant "Sir" or "Master". If you want to call every Dominant "Sir" then do it. If you don't, then don't do it.

11) There are people that will tell you that you're not submissive. Many will do it in hopes that they can goad you into doing what they want in your effort to prove that you are submissive. Bottom line, until they've met you face to face...it's just cyberspace.

12) We're in this lifestyle because it makes us happy. If you take it too seriously, you will take all the fun out of it. Have a sense of humor.

When it comes to meeting Dominants:
1) Meet on your turf. Some place you're familiar with, in public with a well lit parking lot. I usually made it coffee at the local coffeehouse or drinks at a bar where conversations were possible. I would NEVER EVER meet somebody at a hotel or their home. I didn't do dinners because a) it's not easy extricate yourself if it's going miserably and b) sometimes people that buy dinner think they've bought you.

2) Never get into his car, even at the end of the evening. I also wouldn't recommend allowing him to walk you to your car. A string of rapes happened in the LA community where the "Dom" pushed the submissive into either his car or her car.

3) Get caller ID blocking on your phone and you call him. Preferably on his home phone number. I generally would not continue with anyone that refused to give me their home phone or lied about whether the number they gave me was their home phone. You can check to see if it's a cell phone by using Reverse Directory. It will tell you if a phone number is assigned to a cell phone company.

4) Wear whatever you want and are comfortable in. Until you are contracted or collared to that Dominant what you wear is your choice. I used to make a point of wearing either jeans or my business clothes to the first meeting. I did this because these pieces of clothing reflect who I am, if he can't accept that, then he's obviously not the person for me.

5) Be wary of people that start conversation off with: "Are you submissive?" " How large are your breasts?" "Do you like anal sex?" "What are your limits?" My general rule of thumb is that if the first thing they ask me is about sex or my submission, they're more interested in what I am, versus who I am. Anybody who focuses purely on the sexual part of your life will most likely only be there for the sex. If this is all you're looking for, fantastic. But, if you're looking for long term, this most likely is not the person for you.

6) I always made it perfectly clear that there would be no sex or S&M on the first meeting. In fact, there probably wouldn't be sex or S&M for the 3 to 5 dates. This is the stage where I'm still determining if I even like them, never mind trust them with my life. If a Dominant was unwilling to wait until I was comfortable, I wouldn't meet them. After all, I like to think I'm worth the wait.

7) Have a safe call. But, I do it differently than most. I usually told my meetings that I had an hour or so to meet them, and then I had plans with friends. After an hour was up, I would call a friend that I had made arrangements with. At that point, I would either tell her that I was on my way or was running a little late and would call when I left. The deal was that "a little late" was 30 minutes. If she did not hear from me 30 minutes later she was to call my cell phone. If I was in trouble I answered with a pre-arranged sentence.

8) Use common sense. The same idiosyncrasies exist in the D/s BDSM realm as the vanilla realm. This means that if you act like a one night stand, you probably will be a one night stand. If you cry to everyone about how he used you and never called again....some subs will try to comfort you, some subs will wonder what the hell you expected and some Doms will send you tons of email because you,re obviously easy.

9) I really don't recommend quitting your job and moving across the country to become someone's live in 24/7 slave/submissive without a concrete plan on how to extricate yourself in case it doesn't work out. Think about how difficult it would be to get out of that situation with no money and no support network.

10) I believe that the absolute best way to meet people is to be active in your local BDSM D/s group. Attend munches, volunteer as help for fetish events, be involved. This serves two purposes. It gives you a local support network and allows you to get a better idea of the reputations of the people out there. Unfortunately, asking for references can be faked in this day and age. Knowing the community is the best way to learn if someone is safe.

11) If they've lied about age, height, weight, or whether they have ubmissives or a wife, I would just drop it right there. Lying about the first three shows me that they're willing to lie about something insubstantial, which makes me worry about how easy it would for them to lie about the big stuff. The second two shows me that they're willing to lie to the most important people in their lives, and they would not hesitate to lie to me too. This is a lifestyle based on trust and if I'm going to put my life your hands, goddammit I have to be able to trust you.

This is all that I can think of at the moment. I'm sure others will have additions to the list. I'm sure some will feel the need to flame me. Please understand these are my thoughts and practices that have come about through my experiences. You mileage may vary.
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http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/advice.html
 
~ Common Mistakes New People Make ~
Unknown Author

The number one mistake I see made by those new to D/s is thinking there is a right and a wrong way to go about playing. While there are some safety rules that should be followed, the only people who make the rules are the ones involved in the scene or relationship. If anyone else tells you that you are doing this wrong, tell them to mind their own business.

Another common mistake is rushing into things. I know that after years and years of suppressing this desire it is very hard to take it slow when you finally find out you aren't the only one that gets turned on by bondage. But rushing to dominate or submit to another without taking the time to get to know some skills, and each other, is a recipe for pain... that is the bad kind, not the good. When you first get started, take the time to read the literature, join a local organization, and get to know the person you will be playing with.

A mistake I often see new subs make is submitting to anyone and everyone who calls themselves a dominant. Just because someone sticks "Master", "Mistress", "Dom" or "Domme" in their screen name doesn't mean you have to call them "sir" or "ma'am" or submit to their demands. For the most part, a reputable, experienced dominant knows this and will not demand unearned respect. New dominants are sometimes guilty of this. If someone hasn't earned your respect, why would you act like they have?

Another mistake inexperienced subs often make is in setting limits. Some make too many limits, and this will sometimes frustrate or scare off the dominant. Much more common is a new sub setting too few limits. They feel they will not be desirable or "sub" enough if they have limits. Take some time to think about what truly squicks you... what you do not under any circumstances want to experience at present, and make this act a limit. If a potential Dom/me won't agree to a certain limit, walk away. Of course, your limits will change as you become more experienced. What you won't submit to this year, you may crave the next.

Something else I have seen is the "Dom/me is always right" syndrome. The joke is there are two rules in D/s:

The Dom/me is always right
If the Dom/me is wrong, refer to Rule #1
That's what it is, too... just a joke. Dom/mes are human and are sometimes wrong. It isn't a sin against the D/s gods to respectfully suggest to your Dom/me that s/he may be wrong... especially if it involves a safety issue. Just because you are a sub doesn't mean you check your brain at the door. If you are the dominant and make a mistake, don't be afraid to admit it and apologize. It won't make you any less "domly".

Finally, many newbies think that the Dom/me's pleasure is the only thing that matters. Sure, as a sub it is your job to please your Dom/me, but it should please you as a sub, also. We play these games to make everyone happy. While there may be times you do something to please your Dom/me that you don't enjoy, if you find yourself doing this consistently you are probably with the wrong partners.
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http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/mistakes.html
 
Have you asked
your Dominant...

How long have you been involved in the D/s lifestyle, and what led you to this lifestyle in the first place?

Do you have or plan to have a more than one slave/submissive, on or offline?

What sort of relationship are you looking for? (Online only, phone, real world, potential marriage/permanent partner?)

How much time are you willing to devote to training a new sub, and how much of her time would you require in return? Would you have daily contact with your submissive/slave?

Do you indulge in these pleasures with women/men in "real life"? If so, what precautions for health and safety are involved? What type of safety precautions do you feel are necessary for an online or phone relationship?

What sort of training/education have you had to be the dominant member of this relationship? Have you had experience training a submissive who is new to D/s? What made you decide this was for you?

What are your basic philosophies with regard to D/s.

What are your rules, contracts, agreements, etc.? What do you require of your slave and of yourself?

What sort of structured training do you prefer to use? What sorts of discipline/punishment for infractions? What kinds of tasks do you assign your save to perform for you?

What are your deepest desires, pleasures, hopes for this relationship? What, in your opinion, does the Dom receive in return for His time, love and protective care over his sub?

Do you have any references available that I might contact?
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http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/subbie2.html
 
A New Submissive's Guide to All Her Rights as a Submissive
By Bea Amor



As a submissive there are certain inalienable rights that you have and that you should not allow others to take away. As a slave you do not have rights but you have the privilege of having those rights that your owner thinks is appropriate. Some of the rights you might claim, as a submissive will be seen as a requirement sometimes in a Master slave relationship. I will be sharing both aspects of this by using a bill of rights I found here on the Asj site. The words in italics will signify the right as stated in the submissive bill of rights with my feelings following in regular text font.

You have the right to be treated with respect. Not only do you have this right, you have the right to demand it.

As a submissive you are not less than any other human being and you bring something special to a relationship. A dominant needs your submission in order to be able to play or interact in a D/s relationship. You have the right to be treated with the respect for that special trait of submission you possess. As a slave you also deserve respect, but it would be seen as a privilege if and when your owner decides to give you the respect for your submission at any stage. You have no right to demand it in that circumstance.

You have the right to be proud of what you are.

As a submissive or slave you have the right and the duty to be proud of who you are. You need never feel shame for this ever again and should never allow anyone to diminish who or what you are.

You have the right to feel safe.

You have this right irrespective or whether you are submissive or slave. You have the choice as a slave to choose someone who will make you feel safe as this is your sole choice and you need never be in a position where fear is all you know. If you are, this means you have no one to blame but yourself for not choosing the right dominant and for not leaving when you find that this is his or her style of dominance. If you are in a position where you are being held against your will, you need to find a way of escape or indicating distress at the first available opportunity.

You have the right to your emotions and feelings.
As a submissive you have a right to your own feelings and to express them. It does not matter whether they are positive or negative, they need to be discussed whenever they happen for you. Submission does not work in the absence of communication. As a slave you have no right to withhold this from your master or mistress. That person cannot control your life and make good decisions that will not harm you if you do not share the feelings you are feeling.

You have the right to say NO.

We should change this to: You have the right to use a safe word. No never means that a dominant or master will stop anything - remember we tell them to ignore us when we use that word? It is your responsibility to make sure that you do not do anything you do not want to. Slaves should discuss negative feelings or experiences with something with their master or mistress in a respectful way. The idea is not to be harmed, but to communicate openly. Slaves also need to make sure that activities they do no enjoy are not part of a respective master's kinks so that this does not happen frequently.

You have the right to expect happiness in life.

Remember that you chose this lifestyle because you weren't happy with people who did not know how to handle your submission? Remember that you discovered great joy when you found out that you are not just needy or codependent? You have the right to enjoy this lifestyle and feel all the joy you are getting. It took guts to admit your submission and you are allowed to pick the fruits of honesty.

You have the right to have input in a relationship.

You have the right to communicate openly and honestly and to have say in any relationship - a relationship by definition is a two way street and should never be one sided. You need to make sure that you make your needs known and that you make sure that you are always present in the relationship. Slaves also have this right but they exercise the right when they choose a dominant or master or mistress. Your needs, desires and wants should be discussed in detail before any collar is placed around your neck.

You have the right to belong.

As a submissive you finally can exercise this right. You are now in a family of people who feel the same way you do and who understand who and what you are. You will belong to that special dominant soon or may already belong to someone. Slaves and submissives alike both have that right.

You have the right to be loved and to love.
You have the right to be loved for your submission and to love the person who will control your life and use you to serve them. Love is something that happens in most D/s relationships contrary to what you might have heard. Love also makes you submission bloom. Remember that slaves sometimes have different ideas of what love looks like. They might want someone who humiliates and hurts them and does objectify them. To them that might show love. Never look down on what others perceive as love and celebrate the differences.

You have the right to be healthy.

I would love to change this to you have a duty to be healthy. Health is a requirement for slaves and this is not negotiable. You have to make sure that you are in a healthy relationship and that you do not get abused. If you are, the entire community will rally to your aid should you request it.

You have the right to practice safe sex.

This is really self evident or it should be. You have a right to remain healthy, but you also have a responsibility to ensure that any sexual partners you may come into contact with can trust you to be responsible sexually and to not be the carrier of a nasty sexually transmitted disease.

As you can see you have a whole bill of rights and I would add this bill of rights to any negotiations I might have in any given scene or relationship to make the dominant aware that you are assertive enough to stand up for yourself.
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http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/rights_of_submissive.html
 
4 Safety Tips for the Submissive in a BDSM Relationship


Published July 02, 2008 by:
Cheryl Williams


In the alternative lifestyle of BDSM, there is nothing more important than staying safe. However, many submissives forget this. In their submission, they often let safety fall by the wayside because they put total trust
in their dominant partner to keep them safe. Trusting your dominant is important, but that does not mean you should ignore certain steps to keep yourself safe. Here are some tips that every submissive needs to keep in mind:

1) Always use a safe word. It is the job of the dominant to stretch the submissive's limits and help her to face her fears. Depending on the submissive, she may not be ready physically, mentally or emotionally to participate in certain activities. She must be allowed to use a safe word if a scene becomes to intense for her. The safe word needs to be predetermined and neutral so that the dominant knows to stop immediately if she says it.

Once you have a safe word, do not be afraid to use it. A safe word is pointless us you are afraid to use it. Some submissives hesitate in using their safe word because they are afraid of disappointing the dominant. They feel like they have failed if they are unable to follow through with a scene. Nothing could be further from the truth. Submission is all about expanding your limit's a little at a time. You must be ready...physically, mentally and emotionally.

A good dominant will always understand if you must use your safe word. He will use the time as one to discuss any fears or hesitations that you may have in regard to that particular scene.

2) Let a friend know if you are going to be involved in a scene. Tell her the time, date, and location...as well as who you will be with. Give her a time frame and arrange to call her within a certain window of time. This way, if something goes wrong and you are unable to call her, the friend will know where to find you.

Anything could go wrong. What if you are handcuffed to the bed and your dominant leaves you there? What if he has a heart attack in the middle of a scene? If nobody knows where you are, you could be there for days, cuffed to the bed.

3) Get to know your dominant before you give him your trust. It is very easy for a submissive to be swept away by a dominant's controlling personality. After all, that is what a submissive craves. With all of the different areas to explore, though...in the world of BDSM, it is important to know what kind of scene your dominant is into.

Perhaps he is very much into giving pain and humiliation, but nothing about either of those two areas appeal to you. Perhaps he loves keeping you chained to the bed, whereas you are more into mind control.

If you do not get to know your dominant before making yourself vulnerable to his desires, you could be placing yourself at risk of great harm physically and emotionally. All dominants are not alike. Choose yours carefully.

4) Listen to your instincts. As simple as this may sound, it is one of the most important safety rules. Wild animals rely on their instinct for survival. You have those same instincts. Learn to listen to them as you would a trusted friend. If you have a gut feeling a scene is not safe, do not participate. If you have a feeling you need to get away from a dominant, leave and go home.

By following these 4 rules, you can ensure your BDSM experience is fun, consensual and most of all...SAFE.
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Just trying to help. :)
 
Online Dangers
Author Rover

To begin, I see four significant dangers to online D/s. Yes, these dangers exist in RL D/s as well, but they are so prevalent online that they bear mentioning here. But before I review these dangers, I think it’s important to understand WHY the danger exists.

All three result from one interesting psychological aspect of being online. W/we A/all tend to believe what W/we see and read. About the lifestyle, about individuals that W/we meet. And frankly, that’s dangerous in and of itself.

People are drawn to the internet, and chat rooms, for a wide variety of reasons. Some are lonely, some bored, some need and outlet for their creativity, some enjoy the fantasy of being whoever and whatever they conjure up, and some even have motives and intentions that are predatory. Whatever their reason for being here, always remember one thing. Y/you don’t know a thing about the person Y/you’re speaking with. I mean Y/you don’t KNOW. What Y/you think Y/you know is only what they care to tell Y/you. Truth or fiction, Y/you have no way of verifying it without doing some real research. And for that, Y/you will require their openness and honesty in sharing some vital information.

And most do not ask for that information. W/we accept what W/we are told because it is polite. Because W/we build some false sense of trust. Fact of the matter is, it is precisely that trust that makes U/us vulnerable. And so, I implore Y/you to be cynical. To ask questions. To ask for ways to verify what Y/you are told. The web can be a fountain of information, and Y/you need to use it for Y/your own protection. With names, addresses, phone numbers, etc. Y/you can verify where S/someone lives, their employment and marital status. Their criminal record. All things that will either confirm or dispel what is given Y/you as the “truth”.

Understanding the how and why of online deceit, and danger, may better enable Y/you to identify with the four dangers I most frequently see:

The Predator: I suppose this is what most of Y/you can identify with. Some crazed maniac out there hell bent on murder and mayhem. And truth be known, people like this do exist. W/we read about them every day. But so many of U/us have some false sense of security that these people couldn’t fool U/us. Fact of the matter is, they can. They’re slick, intelligent and highly adaptable. Keep in mind that this lifestyle, and BDSM activities, are a great place for predators to hunt. They can identify with many of the “pleasures” of O/our lifestyle, but for entirely different reasons. Imagine, a willing submissive anxious to be bound and gagged. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. And even after the assault, try to imagine having to explain to some jury that although Y/you were a willing participant in a BDSM scene, it went too far and the beating Y/you endured was not consensual. Thankfully, while the Predator may pose the greatest physical danger, he/she is also the least common danger in terms of sheer numbers.

The Fantasizer: Perhaps the most common danger on the net are those that live out some fantasy life here. And although they generally pose no physical threat, the psychological wounds can cut to the soul, and the scars may remain for a long time. The Fantasizer creates a life, or a persona, that Y/you may find Y/yourself attracted to. They go from room to room, changing names and persona’s along the way. Some may have several names and personalities at one time. The emotional damage caused by becoming attracted to a Fantasizer can be devastating. It’s too easy to become emotionally attached on the net. And the Fantasizer is expert at fulfilling their needs at Y/your expense.

The Teacher or Mentor: Yes, Teachers and Mentors are a vital part of any life. Especially so in the D/s lifestyle. But there are those that seek to take on the role in order to have some “legitimized” reason to take advantage of Y/you, emotionally or physically. Under the guise of teaching, they use Y/your desire to learn against Y/you. Much like the Fantasizer, they are slick and polished.

The Ignorant: Worst thing about the Ignorant is that they often do not realize that they are, or the damage that they cause. It would be one thing if the advice they dispensed was to stay solely on the net. But it seems as though, particularly amongst Dominants, there is some sense of inferiority attached to not having RL experience. Fact of the matter is, there’s not. But in claiming to be experienced in areas that W/we are not, and offering advice in areas in which W/we are ignorant, there will inevitably be those that will end up in emotional and physical danger for accepting it at face value. Many on the net are here as a prelude to RL. To get their feet wet. And being fed bad information can put them in danger as they attempt to put that bad information in practice.

So, now that Y/you know the dangers, how might Y/you protect Y/yourself? I would suggest the following:

Never take anything at face value. Separate out what Y/you KNOW from what Y/you have been TOLD. Then, use any resource available to Y/you to confirm what Y/you have been told.
Talk to a variety of sources. Many people in a chat room will know who is truly knowledgeable about a particular subject. See who’s name keeps coming up, and check speak with them.
Visit a number of rooms. Don’t limit Y/yourself to the knowledge base in one chat room. Y/you can better rely upon the information Y/you get if it is from a variety of independent sources.
Read. Read a lot. There are many good websites with respected and authoritative authors. Most of the chat room communities have links to those sites, and a listing is also provided here under “Links to Educational Resources”.
Ask questions, observe and use the reasoning and thinking brain that God bestowed upon Y/you. Be cynical.
If Y/you intend to meet S/someone RL, do so safely. A list of suggestions is included under “Meeting Safely in RL”.
Click to expand...

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/danger.html
 
Online Red Flags (Danger Signals, it's time to hit ignore!)
A "Red Flag" is any indication that you should steer clear of a particular person, either Dom/me or sub. These can pop up at any time, though most often in the beginning of a potential relationship. They can be obvious or they can be subtle.

Some common examples might be...

1. Inappropriate questions or comments during the initial conversations, such as do you want to play? or what are you wearing? or what do you look like? or asking for your phone number immediately, etc. Such questions have nothing at all to do with D/s, but rather indicate the person is looking for cyber or phone sex.

2. Moving too quickly: if the prospective Dom/me or sub seems to be in a hurry to begin a relationship, or to advance it faster than seems reasonable or comfortable for you. Like if they want to meet you within the first 10 minutes online. Trust is the cornerstone. and cannot be rushed. Clearly, there is no arbitrary time frame, but most long-lasting relationships take several weeks if not months to build before actual contact.

3. Inappropriate attitude: "bow down and worship me" those who act as if every submissive must obey every so-called Dom, and begin giving or obeying orders from the word go. Or those who have the idea that each and every Tom, Dick, and Harry must be addressed as Sir, whether they know them or not. Many subs in the chat rooms do this, but respect is worth little if it is so lightly given. Both of these attitudes and practices show a poor understanding of the true dynamics of Dominance and submission.

4. Safety violations: reluctance to have a safeword or other safety precautions in place, either during the first meeting or later. Run.

5. Lack of communication: if your potential partner is reluctant to discuss something with you, pay attention. Likewise, and equally serious, if you are told directly or indirectly, that you may not discuss something with others, or may not talk to someone else, or may not go to a particular area, be careful. Trying to "gag" someone is a sign that something is wrong.

6. A persistent bad reputation: or unwillingness to give references. This can be tricky if the person you are talking to is new online, but it is still a red flag. Or perhaps a yellow one.

7. Trashing ex-partners. When someone is constantly talking about their ex publicly in the chat rooms and on bb's, i.e., trying to ruin their rep, try to keep in mind that you might be their "ex" someday and be subjected to such treatment if things do not go the way they want. This is something that both Dom/mes and subs are frequently guilty of. Warning others of potential danger from an ex-partner is obviously a different case.

8. Frequent inconsistencies. If someone often makes contradictory statements from one day to the next, like Mon. tells you s/he has no children, then on Fri., mentions his/her son's birthday or something. If a person often seems to have a lot of trouble remembering what they have said to you from one day to the next, it could be that they are telling a lot of people a lot of different things. Just in general, I would encourage anyone to really try to get to know someone before making a final judgment on their character. However, caution and common sense should always rule. If you have doubts, do not give out personal information. You can still talk to this person, but be careful and please, trust that GUT INSTINCT.
Click to expand...

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/safety_redflag.html
 
Self Esteem


Self-esteem relates to how you feel about yourself, whether you like yourself. Being submissive is not about being a "doormat" or a "lesser person". But the sad thing is, many go through life feeling less than what they truly are.
Where does our self-esteem come from? Growing up we were given messages about who we are. These messages are given to us by our parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, teachers, ministers, radio and TV, and other areas of the media.

Some of these messages were NOT good. Ever hear: "fatso" "four eyes" "skinny minney" "dumbo" "You'll never amount to anything" "You're useless, just like your father" "Crybaby - boys don't cry" "It's not ok for girls to get angry"? Plus, it is the sexy, the charmed, the beautiful, we see in advertisements that make us believe we are less than perfect. Now add to this equation, those who were abused physically, verbally, emotionally, psychologically. No wonder so many have a poor image of themselves.

Whether dominant or submissive, we have been shaped by our pasts. Unfortunately, many of us take the messages we heard in our childhood, into our adult lives and still believe these terrible things about ourselves. If we grew up in unhealthy families we did not learn how to communicate our feelings. We did not see healthy intimacy, parenthood, or communication modeled. This makes for a near impossibility of having a good D/s relationship, let alone any other kinds of relationships.

If a submissive has low self-esteem, it will hinder a D/s relationship. If a submissive does not find a "healthy and real" Dominant, she/he will not be fulfilled and actually be very miserable in her/his submission and existence. However, with the right Dominant, she/he will flourish and grow and become the woman/man she/he always wanted to become. And remember, the Dominant needs to be healthy also in order to help her/him accomplish this. If the submissive believes things like this: I should never ask my Dom/me for any kind of help; I should not use my safeword; I cannot disagree with my Dom/me; I should not have any limits; I must always be perfect; I must be "super submissive"; I am worthless if I make a mistake; it will more than likely result in stress and physical ills (headaches, stomach aches, high blood pressure). As a submissive one desires to please their Dominant, but not to the extent of sacrificing their own person. You can serve your Dominant but not give up your identity. A good Dominant would never expect this either!

Now, don't misunderstand me! This does not mean a submissive should not be the best submissive she/he can be. But, she/he needs to allow herself to be human and she/he needs to maintain balance in her/his life and in all that she/he does. Submissives will make mistakes. And, a submissive can discuss limits, concerns, worries, in a very respectful manner. Look for a Dominant who understands all of this, otherwise you may just keep hearing the unhealthy messages repeated over and over again.

Now then.. how does one improve their self-esteem? What things can YOU do to change the way you feel about yourself? There are a couple of great ways... One is called Self-Talk, another Self-Affirmations and another Self-Love. Let's discuss Self-Talk first.

Self-Talk is internal conversations you have with yourself. These dialogues can affect your thoughts and behaviors. When you give yourself positive messages such as: "Everything will work out. I know I can do the job", you give yourself to succeed and chances are you will. When your self-talk is negative -"I know I'll have a terrible time, I am not smart enough to do this," you are giving up on yourself and you most likely will not succeed.

Positive self-talk takes discipline and practice. Whenever you notice that you are giving yourself a negative message, change it and say a positive message. You will feel so much better about yourself and have far less stress.

The second tool you can use is Affirmations. These are positive input you give yourself each day to remind yourself that you ARE a good person, that you DO have abilities and possibilities. Write these out and look at yourself in the mirror each morning and repeat them to yourself. Giving yourself these messages will help you to believe them.. to believe in yourself and who and what you are!

Here are some examples you can use!

I am a wonderful submissive
The more I have, the more I have to give
All things are now working together for good in my life
I have a wonderful job
It is Ok for me to have fun and enjoy myself
Everyday, in every way I am getting better and better and better
I give thanks for my life
I am whole and complete in myself
I love and accept myself just as I am
The more I love myself, the more love I have to give to others
I am an excellent communicator
I am beautiful inside and out
I am a good person
I have a lot to offer the world
Now these are just a few examples... and you can add to them to suit areas you need to build your self-esteem in. The important thing, is to look in the mirror every day and repeat these things to yourself. What happens after a period of time, is that you will begin to BELIEVE what you are telling yourself... just as you learned to believe those horrible things people said to you in the past. But POSITIVE things.. not NEGATIVE!
It may seem strange saying these things at first because you've been lead, through one means or another, to believe just the opposite. Try it.. it really works!

Lastly, and certainly not least is Self-Love. This is is acknowledging and praising yourself verbally. Here are some examples:

Self-Love is having confidence in your ability.
Self-Love is giving yourself pleasure without guilt.
Self-Love is loving your body and seeing only its good qualities.
Self-Love is giving yourself what you want and feeling you deserve.
Self-Love is letting others in instead of submitting to loneliness.
Self-Love is seeing your own spirituality.
Self-Love is taking credit for what you did.
Self-Love is surrounding yourself with beauty.
Self-Love is rewarding yourself for a job well done.
Self-Love is trusting yourself.
Self-Love is nourishing yourself with good food and good ideas.
Self-Love is seeing yourself as equal to others.
Self-Love is forgiving yourself.
Self-Love is letting in affection.
Self-Love is developing your own creative desires.
Self-Love is really talking to yourself lovingly and gently.
Self-Love turning all of your negative thoughts into positive affirmations (see affirmations above)
These are just a few tools you can use to make yourself more of who you are... to bring out the real you! And if you are pleasing to yourself, you will also be pleasing to your Dominant!

It is a long road to repair damages of the past, but it can be done... just ask me! ~laughs~ And one thing I'd like to leave you with here is this:

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
Click to expand...

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/esteem.html
 
from this site;
Safe Sane and Consensual?

There is a line between a consensual and a non-consensual act. This line, when crossed, makes the act unsafe, mentally and not sane. Non-Consensual acts can be performed, through intimidation, just as easily as when a person is physically restrained. Don't kid yourself that someone has to be restrained to be "abused".

We see abuse in our society all the time, in the form of housewives/girlfriends and husbands/boyfriends being mentally and physically abused. Why do they take it? Why don't they just get out? The answer is not as easy as the question.

For some, the abuse is something that they feel they must endure, because they think they are not worthy of a non-abusive relationship. "He's so good to me at other times." (when he's not telling me how worthless I am.)

Nobody questions a child, who has been abused, as to why they stayed. Why? Because the child is not mentally aware of what abuse is. The same is true with many adults, especially those who were abused as children. It is like the old adage, "Hind site is 20/20." After the realization that they were in an abusive relationship, many have said, "I knew that, but I thought that's how everybody was." or "Every relationship I've ever had was like that." or "I didn't know what else to do."

Avoiding Abusive Relationships

Warning signs that the dominant you are seeing may be potentially abusive - either emotionally or physically:

*

They constantly criticize others. They may place you on a pedestal at first, but their criticisms will eventually turn toward you, too.
*

They pretend to know everything about everything.
*

They carry grudges and are unable to remain civil with former submissives. They may bad-mouth their "ex" in public. This dominant has allowed a root of bitterness to grow inside them. And, how they treat former submissives is likely how they'll treat you one day.
*

They are nice only to people who are attractive or easy to like, or that they feel can "further them in some way." If you submit to such a person, they may walk out if you become sick, scarred or less attractive. Look for a dominant who is kind to all ages and types of people.
*

They may try to rush the relationship, at least at first. Perhaps they say they have seen you in a dream and are convinced you are Sub Right (and this is only your first meeting!) Avoid a dominant who is "claiming" you as his future slave. Don't let a dominant convince you of something that you haven't decided.
*

They don't treat their parents with respect. How they treat others is a strong indicator of how they will treat you when the newness of your relationship has worn off.
*

They eventually run "hot and cold" with you. They alternate between pursuing you and keeping you at arm's length. You never know where you stand with them. This dominant has probably felt deeply rejected in the past and is determined not to let you hurt them, too. However, this realization doesn't excuse this behavior, which is self-centered and cruel.
*

They try to make sex or scening the major topic of conversation at the first meeting! Even if they make a big deal about not wanting to have sex with you, please beware! "Me thinks thou doth protest too much!".
*

Do they belong to a D/S organization? Not everyone does, and this is not necessarily a warning sign. Dangerous people, however, tend to shy away from groups, for fear of being "found out" that they are dangerous.
*

If the dominant is from a different town, and you don't know or can't talk to their family, or real friends, (not online) I suggest getting their name, address, phone#, where they work and the phone# there. Then verify all of the information and give it to someone you trust. If they object to this, or give you misleading information, there is more here than meets the eye. No matter how much they explain it away, leave them alone.
*

They don't seem to be able to commit to anything very long, whether it's a hobby, pet, job, or a place to live. They're always looking for greener grass on the other side of the fence and are never quite satisfied. Don't confuse this one with ambition.
*

They often run short of money. A good dominant doesn't have to have a high-status job, but they should be responsible with the money they earn. If they spend their paychecks on sports equipment, floggers, etc., for themselves, but seldom have enough to pay their bills or buy groceries, they're irresponsible and self-centered. If they can't manage their own life, how could they presume to manage yours?
*

They're extremely opinionated or dogmatic. They may debate heatedly with anyone who disagrees with them.
*

They tell the same story a little differently each time you hear it. You may not be able to put your finger on exactly what they said originally, but your vague impression is that they just told you something different from his first version. Eventually, you catch them telling lies..
*

They say they're giving up smoking, drinking, etc., only if they think that's how to keep you, but as soon as they have you, they don't try until next time.
*

They seem resentful of your relatives or close friends. They try to isolate you, by taking up all of your waking hours.
*

Their temper flares rapidly, whether they lose at a game or get cut off in traffic. A good dominant, controls their anger and does not allow the anger to overcome them.

Warning Signs of
Potential Physical Abuse

These are warning signs that the dominant may be physically abusive.

*

They turn hot and cold for no reason. One minute laughing and joking and the next second, very quiet with a scornful look on their face. When you ask what's wrong, they say "You know what you did."
*

They tell you, or show you, how worthless you are and how nobody else would have you.
*

They use threatening words when they talk about people they don't like. (i.e., "I'd like the break his neck.")
*

Beware if they tell you how they slashed someone's tires, etc., when they crossed them.
*

They are cruel to animals.
*

They use, or encourage you to use alcohol or drugs before a scene.
*

They may give you a little shove if they're angry or, their arm may brush against you a little roughly as they walk away during or after an argument. (Even if you're not hurt, this is a warning sign of what may escalate into violence in the future. It could become much worse)
*

They may threaten you with non-negotiated physical punishment if you break the rules.

These are just a few of the warning signs, shown by abusers. It is in no way meant to be a complete list of what to look for. But if you DO see one of these signs, re-evaluate your situation. Just be careful. Use your own judgement and follow your head, not your heart.
Click to expand...
 
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