Love and Respect

[BLoved]

Love and Respect

First and foremost, bdsm is a tool for expressing love and respect.

The more challenging and difficult the service rendered, the more love and respect is shown, and the more undeniable that love and respect becomes.

Society has long recognized that only true love will endure all things, overcome all things. This is the mantra of a slave: to endure and overcome, as a gift of love and respect to her master.

Society has also long recognized that true love demonstrates itself through the care and compassion we display when nurturing another. This is the mantra of the master: to nurture and care for the needs and aspirations of his slave.

This is the master/slave paradigm. The slave to endure and overcome, the master to nurture with care and compassion.

A slave has a very deep-seated need to express her love in tangible, undeniable ways. This can lead to some pretty extreme forms of expression. She needs to feel challenged so as to feel she has accomplished something tangible and undeniable. Her sole focus is to give her love to the master she has chosen, with no thought for herself. She becomes a specialist at giving.

A master must complement and complete the slave. For the slave to give, there must be a master who receives yet never takes.

The challenges a master faces are varied. He is responsible for making decisions that affect not only himself but his slave as well. He must find ways that are safe, yet challenging for his slave to express her love in tangible and undeniable forms.

This may sound easy but try living it 24/7 and keeping it relevant to a slave's current level of growth. A master must have a constant, almost psychic sense of his slave's state of mind.

Thus a good master is highly communicative and always interested in the thoughts and feelings of his slave.

A true work of art, for a master, is to possess the happiest slave on Earth.

Thus, abuse and disrespect are out of the question, just as an artist would not slash a canvas he intended to use for his masterpiece.

I mentioned before that a master "receives", not "takes". The gift that is freely given through love and respect is more highly prized than the treasure taken through force.

For with the gift comes the love and respect, both affirming the master's love for his slave and his understanding of her needs and aspirations.

To take by force is to lose the gift, the love and the respect.

Thus a master must be on guard against his own tendencies to allow his power to corrupt him. For a slave gives great power over herself to her master, and it is very tempting to abuse that power through either intention or neglect.

Only the master who focuses on his love for his slave can navigate those waters safely. Only one who is observant, thoughtful (as opposed to irrational) and virtuous will consider the needs of his slave before his own and thus keep all activities within acceptable limits of safety.

I said earlier that a slave does not think of herself. This is to allow herself to focus solely on giving her love to her master.

A master must always keep in mind how vulnerable is his slave. He must think of her needs for her, for she is only thinking of his.
In this way they complement each other.

A master must think of the health of his slave, that she eats well, sleeps well, obtains exercise and pleasure, that her mind is stimulated.

And he must demonstrate his love in other, more direct ways: encouragement, support, acknowledgment of accomplishments and respect for all she does for him. Being open and honest with his affection, not robotic and mechanically heartless or unemotional.

I've been asked why more M/Ds don't see their bdsm the way I described earlier.

Doesn't it seem more reasonable that a master who treats his slave with love and respect will get better results than one who treats her abusively and without respect?

I agree.

But consider the qualities I've described.
Not exactly something one is likely to find very often.

It is much easier to master the skills of the whip and crop than to train heart and soul to be sensitive to the subtleties of nuance, tone and body language.

And flashier at the 'play parties'.

It is unfortunate that so many see technique trumping the heart and soul of bdsm.

A master is like a dedicated teacher, like a devoted parent. Not just anyone can do this, and most don't.

For to properly master another a master must master himself. Like any good parent, a master must ignore the dictates of ego so as to shine the limelight on his slave's accomplishments, to illuminate her contributions to their domestic bliss.

A master's accomplishments, if done well, are almost always unrecognized and unnoticed, just as a parent's suggestions will inspire a child to achieve growth.

A master's true accomplishment is the growth of his slave. It is in her and through her that his work shines. We do not see DaVinci's skill with painting except through the masterpieces he left after he was done.

So it is with a master and his slave. Her accomplishments are in part his, for he creates the milieu within which she learns to accomplish her miracles.

They each bring out the best in each other.

Yin' yang - the harmonious balance of opposites.

 

[Bandit58]

Society has long recognized that only true love will endure all things, overcome all things. This is the mantra of a slave: to endure and overcome, as a gift of love and respect to her master.

Society has also long recognized that true love demonstrates itself through the care and compassion we display when nurturing another. This is the mantra of the master: to nurture and care for the needs and aspirations of his slave.

This is the master/slave paradigm. The slave to endure and overcome, the master to nurture with care and compassion.

It's the other way around in our relationship. I care for Sir's physical needs (He has renal failure and we do haemodialysis at home) and He supports me when I start to falter and doubt myself when things go wrong with that (as they sometimes do).

The love and the respect has to go both ways - because without a submissive, there is no Dom (and vice versa).

If you want to get a glimpse into our lives, the link to my thread is in my sig line.

 

[BLoved]

It's the other way around in our relationship. I care for Sir's physical needs (He has renal failure and we do haemodialysis at home) and He supports me when I start to falter and doubt myself when things go wrong with that (as they sometimes do).

I am sure had my wife lived she would have done the same for me, me being older than her. She was always very considerate when I was sick with a cold or the flu.

It sounds like you are both very fortunate to have each other.

The love and the respect has to go both ways - because without a submissive, there is no Dom (and vice versa).

Absolutely. In a healthy relationship love and respect does work both ways.

 

[BLoved]

Love is not love if not selfless.

In what way can a master demonstrate he has mastered himself if not by being selfless with his beloved?

And in what way is a master selfless if he chooses selfishness over love?

 

[eastern sun]

I said earlier that a slave does not think of herself. This is to allow herself to focus solely on giving her love to her master.

A master must always keep in mind how vulnerable is his slave. He must think of her needs for her, for she is only thinking of his.
In this way they complement each other.

A master must think of the health of his slave, that she eats well, sleeps well, obtains exercise and pleasure, that her mind is stimulated.

I believe a slave must think of him/herself. Only s/he can know the condition of his/her own body and mind. S/he must be able reflect on his/her own well-being, and clearly communicate his/her state to his/her master.

Especially in long-term, 24/7 relationships.

Thinking of oneself is not an obstacle to love. In my opinion, being able to see oneself clearly and then loving what we see is in fact the foundation on which we build our loving relationships with others.

 

[BLoved]

I believe a slave must think of him/herself. Only s/he can know the condition of his/her own body and mind. S/he must be able reflect on his/her own well-being, and clearly communicate his/her state to his/her master.

Especially in long-term, 24/7 relationships.

Thinking of oneself is not an obstacle to love. In my opinion, being able to see oneself clearly and then loving what we see is in fact the foundation on which we build our loving relationships with others.

If a master is truly selfless he has asked her about such things before she's even given it thought.

A loving bdsm relationship is founded on love ... for love to flourish there must be open communication between those in love.

Love concerns itself with the well-being of the one loved, and often when in love it is easy to overlook one's own needs while focusing on that of the other. When my wife was sick with cancer I put aside many of my needs so as to focus on hers. There was nothing unhealthy about that. If I could have given my life for hers, I would have.

When both are in love, no one's needs get overlooked.

 

[rosco rathbone]

If I had to keep that many precepts in mind to do what I do, I'd hand in my bdsm card.

 

[intothewoods]

I believe a slave must think of him/herself. Only s/he can know the condition of his/her own body and mind. S/he must be able reflect on his/her own well-being, and clearly communicate his/her state to his/her master.

Especially in long-term, 24/7 relationships.

Thinking of oneself is not an obstacle to love. In my opinion, being able to see oneself clearly and then loving what we see is in fact the foundation on which we build our loving relationships with others.

Doesn't every healthy long-term relationship require each person involved to have a good sense of self, as well as the qualities of selflessness and compromise to some degree? I tend to think that its the outward behavior that looks different in a power exchange relationship. Maybe I'm always the one to get him his coffee, but he's always the one to make difficult financial decisions.

If I had to keep that many precepts in mind to do what I do, I'd hand in my bdsm card.

Two rules - the cock stays empty and the belly stays full. Don't underestimate these!

 

[eastern sun]

If a master is truly selfless he has asked her about such things before she's even given it thought.

A loving bdsm relationship is founded on love ... for love to flourish there must be open communication between those in love.

When both are in love, no one's needs get overlooked.

Most of the time, my husband works full-time.

There was one four-month period, about five years back, however, when he was not working. He watched me all day long, and formed many opinions about what I was doing, what I could be doing, and what would make me happier, healthier, and more satisfied. He had so much time on his hands, he micro-managed every aspect of our lives, and was incredibly creative sexually. I was very responsive, and did everything within my power to do what he asked of me. We had a lot of fun. And we were full of love towards each other.

But, he couldn't maintain that level of attention to our relationship when he started his new job. He suddenly had to focus on a new profession, in a new environment, where he was using a language he was not yet fluent in, and to say that his mind was occupied elsewhere is an understatement.

Does that mean he stopped loving me?

Of course not.

There were times when I was lonely, while he slept, exhausted on the couch, in front of the t.v. I started writing (and discovered I loved writing!), but sometimes failed to do what he asked of me in a timely fashioin because I was so preoccupied with this new activity.

Does that mean I stopped loving him?

Of course not.

Masters don't always know all there is to know. Slaves are not always ready.

We're human.

We don't always do what's best for our loved ones. We make mistakes. We think we're right, but we're not. We only find out in time what the consequences of our actions will be.

 

[eastern sun]

If I had to keep that many precepts in mind to do what I do, I'd hand in my bdsm card.

I think it's easier if you take it moment to moment, myself.

There are more than a few things I've changed my opinion on over the years, as more information became available.

 

[BLoved]

Masters don't always know all there is to know. Slaves are not always ready.

We're human.

We don't always do what's best for our loved ones. We make mistakes. We think we're right, but we're not. We only find out in time what the consequences of our actions will be.

And that is why communication is so important.

Why assume when we can talk?

 

[eastern sun]

And that is why communication is so important.

Why assume when we can talk?

I think people make assumptions, because they either want to validate their current perspective or avoid the risk of challenging it.

I usually make assumptions because I think I know. Or because I'm afraid to ask.

Communication is harder than it looks. Otherwise, we'd all be better at it, hunh?

 

[rosco rathbone]

Two rules - the cock stays empty and the belly stays full. Don't underestimate these!

The balls stay empty...the cock is merely a conduit...

What is the sub version of this?

 

[BLoved]

I think people make assumptions, because they either want to validate their current perspective or avoid the risk of challenging it.

I usually make assumptions because I think I know. Or because I'm afraid to ask.

Communication is harder than it looks. Otherwise, we'd all be better at it, hunh?

~smile~

I would think being in love would make communications easier.

Why be afraid of the one you love, the one who loves you?

 

[eastern sun]

~smile~

I would think being in love would make communications easier.

Why be afraid of the one you love, the one who loves you?

Because love demands a lot of us.

Sometimes those demands are frightening.

 

[eastern sun]

The balls stay empty...the cock is merely a conduit...

What is the sub version of this?

The balls stay empty and the belly stays full?

 

[intothewoods]

The balls stay empty...the cock is merely a conduit...

What is the sub version of this?

Shut up!

Er, keep him satisfied? I boiled it down to one because I'm just that good.

 

[Stella_Omega]

The balls stay empty...the cock is merely a conduit...

What is the sub version of this?

Orgasm denial!

 

[BLoved]

Because love demands a lot of us.

Sometimes those demands are frightening.

Believe me, I understand that.

That is why so many run from love, and why so many avoid love.

As a society, we're not very good at teaching people to love.

Nonetheless, to love is to surrender ourselves to the demands love makes of us.

Why do you think I'm still here?

 

[PhaonsBrother]

Believe me, I understand that.

That is why so many run from love, and why so many avoid love.

As a society, we're not very good at teaching people to love.

Nonetheless, to love is to surrender ourselves to the demands love makes of us.

Why do you think I'm still here?

The only reason you're still here is because we've allowed you to stay. Without our prodding, goading comedy, you'd be the loneliest of lonelies, crying in your bed all night. You have no where else to go. That's why you came back after you were rejected the first time around.

 

[eastern sun]

As a society, we're not very good at teaching people to love.

As a culture, we depend too much on love songs and platitudes.

The best way to teach people to love is to love them. It's a matter of transmitting direct experience, in my opinion.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Believe me, I understand that.

That is why so many run from love, and why so many avoid love.

As a society, we're not very good at teaching people to love.

Nonetheless, to love is to surrender ourselves to the demands love makes of us.

Why do you think I'm still here?

You're here because the site owners don't ban people like you.

 

[BLoved]

As a culture, we depend too much on love songs and platitudes.

The best way to teach people to love is to love them. It's a matter of transmitting direct experience, in my opinion.

It is difficult to teach people to love when they've been taught to fear instead.

Fear teaches distrust, and enough fear teaches us to distrust everyone.

Hard to learn anything from someone you refuse to trust.

Songs and platitudes are reminders, reinforcement, support ... they cannot take the place of love nor can they teach it to those who are afraid of being vulnerable.

 

[eastern sun]

It is difficult to teach people to love when they've been taught to fear instead.

This has not been my experience. People feel each other's "emotional bodies" very quickly, before language intervenes in most cases.

It's much more difficult to love unconditionally, in my opinion, than to be loved unconditionally.

But if you're able to love someone unconditionally, they (or their fear) will literally melt in your presence. It's just so damn hard to do.

 

[BLoved]

This has not been my experience. People feel each other's "emotional bodies" very quickly, before language intervenes in most cases.

People who have been taught to fear often learn to disguise it very well, often from themselves.

Their fear manifests itself through dysfunctional behaviour over which the individual is in denial.

It's much more difficult to love unconditionally, in my opinion, than to be loved unconditionally.

But if you're able to love someone unconditionally, they (or their fear) will literally melt in your presence. It's just so damn hard to do.

Love is a two-way street, or it doesn't survive.

It is not enough for one to love while the other fears, and those who fear do not trust.