Hi, would like some feedback please :)

[xPoisonx]

I've got 9 stories posted so far.

The categories are: BDSM, Erotic Couplings, First Time, NonCon/Reluctance and SciFi/Fantasy.

Feedback on any or all would be appreciated. Thanks

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1097754

 

[Idigsoftclams]

I've rated a few of them for you after reading them of course.

Nice work.

If you're still up for editing I may have a story or so that needs some attention.

 

[driphoney]

Are you wanting feedback here, in your thread? Or just wanting votes and comments at the end of your stories?

 

[xPoisonx]

Are you wanting feedback here, in your thread? Or just wanting votes and comments at the end of your stories?

Either is appreciated

 

[driphoney]

Either is appreciated

I'm just a reader, like most here. I occasionally attempt to write, but I'm just figuring it out. So, this opinion comes more from the standpoint of a reader than a person with a clue about writing. What I mean by that is take what I say with a huge grain of salt. Okay?

I decided to read One Night Only? because it wasn't one of your red H's and I liked the title and your lead-in.

I stumbled right away.

She felt numerous pairs of eyes turn to look as she and her friend entered the club. Ashleigh sighed and looked at her watch. It was a little after 11 eleven o'clock, which means meant she had to endure this for at least two hours before she could escape without facing the wrath of Naomi. The petite blonde next to her grabbed her arm and led her to the bar. Even though the place was packed Naomi had the bartender get their drinks right away. Ashleigh rolled her eyes, men just fell over themselves to get Naomi anything she wanted., something she took full advantage of. Ashleigh turned and placed her back to the bar, looking out over the pulsing dance floor. She felt the stare before she saw who it belonged to. A gap in the dancers revealed a man sitting at a table, ignoring those around him to stare at her. She watched as he lifted a cigarette to his lips, the burning embers drawing her eye. Ashleigh felt the force of the stare had just punched a hole in her and he could see right through her. She held his gaze.

This is kind of long for an intro. The most important part of that paragraph is the part I put in blue. You can probably get across the fact that Ashleigh didn't want to be there by describing some body language. Naomi's peripheral to the story other than to contrast with Ashleigh's feeling of inferiority, so a hint of the activity in the next paragraph gets that across. You don't really need Naomi doing everything else. I think this would tighten the introductory paragraph and, at least with me, gets me right to the mystery man.

Ashleigh turned as Naomi nudged her arm. She accepted the drink and gave a casual glance back over her shoulder but she couldn't see through the writhing throng on the dance floor. A shot was pushed into her hand and she swallowed it down quickly, the liquid burning her throat. She remained at the bar with Naomi as her sexy friend flirted with every man within radius. Ashleigh hovered next toas her sexy friend flirted with every man within radius, a small smile on her lips. She loved the sexy confidence Naomi excludedexuded. It said 'I know exactly how to fuck and if you're lucky I'll show you.' Ashleigh wished she could be that outrageous. Instead she accepted the free drinks from Naomi's admirers and vaguely listened to one man talk to her about his divorce.

I like a lot of this. I think it just feels draggy because of the first paragraph and I'm wanting to get to First Contact. My "fixes" aren't really, just the only way I can figure out how to show you a little of what I mean.

Ashleigh felt a fingertip run slowly down her arm and turned to see the man from before up close. He was dressed all in black, and Ashleigh could feel the soft whisper of the silk against her as he edged his way between her and the divorcee. His hair was dark and fell slightly into his eyes, he brushed it away as he offered her a smile, revealing stormy grey eyes. He took her hand and brought it to his lips, brushing a soft kiss against her knuckles. He tugged slightly on her hand and guided her to the dance floor, weaving between the masses until he found a spot he liked. The hand he still held he slid up his chest to rest on his shoulder. She moved her hand to behind his neck, sliding her hand through the soft hair. He wrapped both hands round her waist and pulled her flush against him. His voice whispered in her ear as they moved to the music.

I like the image you're trying to portray, but he, her, he, his, her, his, his, he, he, her, he ,her, his, her, he, her, her, he, he, he ... you get the point. I think of this as play-by-play (directly gotten from fellow Litster, The Earl,) and I fall into it myself. Especially with sex scenes. Ahem ... well, moving along ... maybe you could just shift up some of your sentences. Start a few sentences with some verbs, make it more active.

Oh, oh, oh! And don't have him brush his lips against her knuckles until he goes ...

"I'm Edward."

Yay!!

I think you have a very hot man and a female women can connect with. We just need to know more of how she feels and thinks and hear more of his sexy words and her responses throughout the scene.

Also, several of your paragraphs are a bit long for online reading. In the future you might want to split them up some.

As a matter of fact, I'm selfish, and hope you practice with a follow-up to this little set-up.

Just my two cents. *shrug*

 

[PacoFear]

Poison,

For what it's worth, I second drip's advice. He's done a nice job of teasing out the good and bad.

-PF

 

[_Lynn_]

I've got 9 stories posted so far.

The categories are: BDSM, Erotic Couplings, First Time, NonCon/Reluctance and SciFi/Fantasy.

Feedback on any or all would be appreciated. Thanks

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1097754

I read ‘The Morning After’.

1. Not a story, this is a scene. As a stroke piece, it fell short for me. I found it predictable—guy in towel, girl in bed, sex. I understand the lack of passion due to it being a one-night stand, but it was all too expected.

2. There's not enough time to learn much about the characters. Yet why not? Tidbits tossed in here and there help readers connect with them.

3. The piece has two characters and their names came up far too many times. Rearranging the words already there can alleviate some of them without replacing them with he/she every time either.

Edward curled his fingers within Ashleigh, enough to rub the small nub of flesh that was her g-spot.

Strong fingers curled enough to rub the small . . .

Ashleigh gave a tentative smile in return and shook her head.

Giving a tentative smile in return, she shook her head.

Edward leaned over to turn his attentions to her other breast. As his tongue swept over her, his finger pressed into her.

Leaning over to turn his attention to her other breast, his tongue swept over the sensitive tip as his finger pressed into her.


4. I believe it could use more dialogue. Whispers and groans of encouragement would add a great deal in my opinion.

5. The story contains quite a few adverbs. Eliminate a majority of the ‘ly’ words by rearranging and rewording the sentences.

6. The story doesn’t have any glaring issues, but it doesn’t have anything memorable in it either. There's nothing original, or catchy, to stick with me.

 

[xPoisonx]

Thanks for the feedback. I especially appreciate the effort from driphoney and MistressLynn. Your points are duly noted.