"Now I know I have a heart, because it's breaking"

And I'm sorry to hear it ended. Not surprised though, but it still sucks.
Not knowing the reason sucks even more as it leaves you wondering.

It might be her, it might be you, it might be that it was just not meant to be.

:rose:

I have to agree that it was not meant to be.

At one point, I told her she was giving up on me, on us.

She turned around and said "actually, I'm giving up on me".

...

Broke my heart.

I am reminded that no matter how much one partner tries, he or she cannot compensate for the lack of involvement of the other.

If she'd been willing to talk, been willing to tell me what the problem was, been willing to work towards a solution ... if she had faith in me, in us, in herself ...

No relationship is beyond saving as long as those involved love each other and both refuse to give up on the other.

She gave up. She promised she'd never give up, and she gave up without even telling me what was wrong.
 
And those who burned witches wouldn't have bothered to spend this much time talking to you.

Talking to me, or about me?

Granted, burning me at a stake would be a more effective way of silencing me. But as that is not possible, accusing me of every illness listed in the DMS will have to do.

That's the point Twain was making.

If the man doesn't believe as we do, we say he is a crank, and that settles it. I mean, it does nowadays, because now we can't burn him.
-- Mark Twain, Following the Equator
 
Talking to me, or about me?

Granted, burning me at a stake would be a more effective way of silencing me. But as that is not possible, accusing me of every illness listed in the DMS will have to do.

That's the point Twain was making.

If the man doesn't believe as we do, we say he is a crank, and that settles it. I mean, it does nowadays, because now we can't burn him.
-- Mark Twain, Following the Equator

I speak for myself. You refer to a mythical mob.

I said you appear either unbalanced or that you enjoy the baiting. That's hardly everything in the DMS. It seems more clear every minute that it's the latter, and that all of this has, sadly, been a waste of my energy and time.

I could care less about silencing you though. Even if you were persuasive and the scene ended tomorrow, my life would be just about the same.
 
I speak for myself. You refer to a mythical mob.

I said you appear either unbalanced or that you enjoy the baiting. That's hardly everything in the DMS.

You say X, someone else says Y, someone else says Z, and so on.

Apparently all you experts on me can't agree over which diagnosis is the correct one, thus all are suspect.
 
Been there, done that.

How long do you think it will take the casual players and their advocates to vote everything I write down to page 101?

They've done it before, why should I believe they won't again?

Spare us. You just want to draw more attention to you and your writings.
 
Considering that the thread on casual BDSM has lasted longer than your 3 (or was it 4?) month relationship wouldn’t you have to agree that every act you participated in with your beloved ended up being the most abhorrent type of casual BDSM?

I see your points. You were, after all, right all along. Casual BDSM sucks. Welcome to the real world.
 
me me
me me
me me me

I I
I I
I I I

mine mine
mine mine
mine mine mine

my my
my my
my my my

me me
me me
me me me
 
Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about you? I hope not. Give it time, you’ll get over it, a few months from now will be better.
 
Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about you? I hope not. Give it time, you’ll get over it, a few months from now will be better.

Hearing this from you, makes me smile, YC. :rose:
 
My Beloved just left.

She won't be coming back.

Apparently two weeks ago, while away at the funeral of her grandfather, she fell out of love.

She says she never had a childhood. That she just wants to be a kid with no responsibilities.

That's not who she said she was three months ago.

So here I am: betrayed, manipulated, broken-hearted.

My only consolation is that I did what Love would have me do. I stayed true to myself, to my ethics, my principles. I gave her the best I had to give.

It wasn't enough to overcome the damage her past has done to her.

Heart-broken ... again.

Don't know what I'm going to do next. Just feel burnt out, used up, empty.

This is one of those times when you fall down and find it so difficult to get back up.

Not that I expect anything from anyone on this board, but I've opened my PM ... not a good time for me to refuse a kind word from a gentle soul.

As for Love ... I still believe in it, still recognize it's authority over me ... but it's much too soon for me to be thinking of loving anyone.

My heart is going to need to heal before I can give it to another.

Sometimes Love isn't enough, and that is a bitter pill to swallow.

I won't be surprised to find more than a few crowing over my loss, but in the words of the Tin Man: "Now I know I have a heart, because it's breaking".

I'll be back when I'm back.


I don't recall you saying how old she was, but the impression I formed was that she was considerably younger than yourself.

I know you feel like you've been manipulated, but I doubt that was the case. It sounds much more like she wasn't so self aware. That she didn't know herself.

I can appreciate that there's every chance that launching into such an intense 'love' relationship from the very get go was just too much for her to handle.

I can't help but feel, that if you'd taken the time to get to know each other properly before embarking on a relationship, and let that relationship develop and grow over time, then you both would have become aware of these issues, been able to address them, and this wouldn't have happened.

And no, I don't think a few weeks of conversation is getting to know each other properly.

I am sorry you're hurting though.
 
"We do not encourage off topic material (excessive flirting or personal conversation that interrupts serious topics) in BDSM Talk threads."

We have the Cafe for threads like this.
 
Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about you? I hope not. Give it time, you’ll get over it, a few months from now will be better.

After a good night's sleep, I'm seeing this more clearly.

As far as losses go, this is not nearly as bad as losing my wife or my son. Then I wanted to die.

This ... hurts, but not so much that I am at risk.

And yes, if someone is so fickle that they can be in love today and not tomorrow, make 'forever' promises one week and break them the next ... that is not the woman for me.

I think what I find most sad is realizing her parents had broken her spirit beyond my ability to repair long before she came into my life. She had fully adapted to a life where everyone was willing to coerce her into giving them what they wanted.

Given a situation where that was no longer true, she became self-indulgent, not thinking of anyone else but herself.

While she said many times she didn't want to become that kind of person, I believe she found the challenge of adjusting her way of life to suit a world where she needed to be thoughtful and considerate of others was too much.

In her world, any time she had where someone wasn't pushing her to do something was 'free time' where she could think of herself. Here, no one pushed her to do anything. Instead of being a 'cinderella' trying to eke out a little time for herself, she was becoming a selfish, self-centered, thoughtless person.

She was becoming her mother.

She was given the opportunity to grow as a person, and discovered she's not up to the task. She couldn't rise above temptation.

And so she went back to the world where she can be 'cinderella'. Better to be a victim than a victimizer, I suppose.

It is sad, because she didn't choose the third option, being neither a victim nor a victimizer but instead being a whole person making thoughtful, compassionate, loving choices not because she had to, but because that is who she wanted to be.

That was the direction we'd agreed upon, the direction she said she wanted to take and which I heartily supported.

Instead she's chosen another cycle of self-destruction. Between being a victim and a victimizer, being the victim is more palatable to her psyche.

Very sad.
 
I don't recall you saying how old she was, but the impression I formed was that she was considerably younger than yourself.

That is true. It is why I didn't even consider starting a relationship with her until she made her interest in me known. Initially I was there to help her find a good man who would love her. I had no idea she'd pick me.

I know you feel like you've been manipulated, but I doubt that was the case. It sounds much more like she wasn't so self aware. That she didn't know herself.

I can appreciate that there's every chance that launching into such an intense 'love' relationship from the very get go was just too much for her to handle.

I can't help but feel, that if you'd taken the time to get to know each other properly before embarking on a relationship, and let that relationship develop and grow over time, then you both would have become aware of these issues, been able to address them, and this wouldn't have happened.

And no, I don't think a few weeks of conversation is getting to know each other properly.

During the 2+ years of my quest there were several women who expressed an interest in me. We would talk, get to know each other and eventually discover incompatibilities which could not be bridged.

Talking certainly helps to uncover those problems.

However, there are other problems talk won't reveal.

For example, how do you determine whether someone can, in fact, be submissive? She may have done her research, knows what to expect, uses all the right words to encourage faith in her abilities, etc. But if she lacks any real experience there can be no certainty that she will, in fact, be submissive.

The only way to find out is to give her the opportunity to experience the life of a submissive. She will either succeed or fail.

And even failure need not be the end of the story. For as there are different ways of approaching d/s, one way may work better for her than others.

Talk alone won't reveal this.

Talk is good when it comes to intentions, not so good when it comes to how those intentions will be manifested.

To put it another way, some people can talk the talk, but not walk the walk.

I am sorry you're hurting though.

Thank you.
 
"We do not encourage off topic material (excessive flirting or personal conversation that interrupts serious topics) in BDSM Talk threads."

We have the Cafe for threads like this.

If we can talk about how to initiate a bdsm relationship, I believe we should be able to discuss how they end.

If I can sing the praises of Love as a motive for bdsm, should I not also be able to sing the blues when Love ends?

BDSM is not just about kink and technique. For those of us who live it, bdsm is a part of our lives and plays a role in the formation of relationships and their endings.

Rather than compartmentalize bdsm, I take a holistic approach.
 
I did, about two years ago.

Casual players and their advocates had me banned for it, just as they had me banned from the forums at collarme, bondage.com and mydungeonspace.

Strategies

Paint a Rosy Picture

Control the medium, and you control the message.

The casual community has learned this lesson well.

By ensuring they are in positions of control: site owners, group owners, moderators, etc they are in a position to ensure only the message they want others to hear will be heard, and no other.

From this position they can make any claim, and as they have the authority to control what is heard, dissent is never heard.

And anyone who doesn't get with the program can be made an example of for others.

-- excerpt from "Casual 'BDSM' and Emotional Abuse: The Case for Love" (which was written for and first appeared on FetLife).

###Essays

[The Muse](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80439)

[Love and Respect](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80440)

[The Little Things ...](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80441)

[The Inner Child](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80442)

[To My Beloved](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80443)

[Promises ...](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80444)

[Promises to Live By](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80446)

[Barnacles and Butterflies](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80448)

[Compassionate People](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80449)

[A Rare Woman ...](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80450)

[A Gentleman ...](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80452)

[Love is ...](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80454)

[A Master Weeps ...](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80455)

[City Folk ...](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80458)

[Love, A Short Trilogy - Part I: Endings](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80466)

[Love, A Short Trilogy - Part II: Introductions](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80465)

[Love, A Short Trilogy - Part III: Winter Interlude](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/80464)

[Casual 'Play' and Emotional Abuse: The Case for Love](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/86893)[/B]

[Haiku 'Stories'](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/90919)

[A few tips for Submissives questing for a Beloved](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/92349)

[Why are some people so desperate for consent?](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/92823)

[REFERENCES-R-US](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/94588)

[Accepting the End](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/95350)

[O' the Woe of Owning a Forest](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/96775)

[A Tale of Two Frauds](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/97149)

[Envisioning my Beloved ... ](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/97162)

[Morning](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/99661)

[Selfish Bastards](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/100234)

[Pimps and Sluts](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/100309)

[The Rule of Mediocrity](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/100372)

[Why I have no friends on my friends list](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/100413)

[The Inner Child - Requiem](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/101776)

[What does a dom risk?](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/102950)

[Being the First ...](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/103131)

[Daffy](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/103417)

[Rome wasn't built in a day ...](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/104410)

[Why the Lady in the Leopard Lingerie can't change her Spots](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/108671)

[Magnificent](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/109071)

[Sigh](http://fetlife.com/users/136920/posts/109616)


###Discussions

Probably all of the discussions in [A Support Group for Love](http://fetlife.com/groups/5675) and [Robert A. Heinlein](http://fetlife.com/groups/6623)



[Love: A Short Trilogy](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/123204)

[Promises to Live By](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/123852)

[Involvement with broken people](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/116482)

[Spin off from Broken People](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/124276)

[Is Nothing Sacred?](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/124771)

[The Inner Child](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/125193)

[Does hypnosis void consent?](http://fetlife.com/groups/2602/group_posts/125204)

[Kahlil Gibran... On Love](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/125243)

[The Little Things ...](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/125797)

["Now I know I've got a heart ..."](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/126513)


[Passion](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/126582)

[decision to love](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/127097)

[The Wall](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/127331)

[Loveless bdsm](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/127441)

[The aura of a woman in love](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/128293)

[A little humour](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/128515)

[Need some love today.......](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/129499)

[Love and the One Night Stand](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/129963)

[Some additional group guidelines - censored - deleted](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/129859)

[A Support Group for Love - group owner removed her own comments](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/131563)

[Vulnerabilities](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/131956)

[References and those who engage exclusively in loving relationships - group owner removed her own comments](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/132255)

[Loveisallyouneed](http://fetlife.com/groups/2711/group_posts/132033)

[Outdoor Bondage: "Tie that yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree"](http://fetlife.com/groups/1861/group_posts/135369)

[Haiku 'stories'](http://fetlife.com/groups/1905/group_posts/135301)

[Casual 'Play' and Emotional Abuse: The Case for Love](http://fetlife.com/groups/5886/group_posts/135033)

[Casual 'Play' and Emotional Abuse - deleted](http://fetlife.com/groups/610)

[What value, dignity?](http://fetlife.com/groups/4722/group_posts/138147)

[Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies....](http://fetlife.com/groups/4722/group_posts/115571)

[Add "Widow/Widower" to Relationship Status Options](http://fetlife.com/groups/897/group_posts/141057)

[Building a community](http://fetlife.com/groups/6069/group_posts/141119)

[Politics as usual](http://fetlife.com/groups/6062/group_posts/141198)

[By the Fire - A Lost Haiku 'Story'](http://fetlife.com/groups/1905/group_posts/142753)

[Old Wolf - a new Haiku 'Story'](http://fetlife.com/groups/1905/group_posts/145504)

[Love, A Short Trilogy - Part III: Winter Interlude](http://fetlife.com/groups/2629/group_posts/135375)

[A few tips for Submissives questing for a Beloved](http://fetlife.com/groups/4722/group_posts/145877)

[What makes writing erotic?](http://fetlife.com/groups/2629/group_posts/146143)

[Why are some people so desperate for a consent?](http://fetlife.com/groups/4722/group_posts/146791)

[Credibility](http://fetlife.com/groups/12/group_posts/139466)

[Will you good people enlighten me regarding some scripture?](http://fetlife.com/groups/922/group_posts/150710)

[My story, and that of others](http://fetlife.com/groups/922/group_posts/151367)

[Works in Progress](http://fetlife.com/groups/922/group_posts/151384)

[Encouragement/Instruction for Christians](http://fetlife.com/groups/922/group_posts/151554)

[Note from the group leader](http://fetlife.com/groups/922/group_posts/151631)

[Stalkers are plotting ...](http://fetlife.com/groups/5675/group_posts/152916)

[Consent](http://fetlife.com/groups/6465/group_posts/153540)

[The Inner Child](http://fetlife.com/groups/276/group_posts/157718)

[Surrender](http://fetlife.com/users/79803/posts/98221)

[Is there a point where it can be considered "going too far?"](http://fetlife.com/users/143099/posts/98251)

[Please update the terms of use](http://fetlife.com/groups/897/group_posts/179631)

[suggestion box to fetlife...adding relationship widow/widower...](http://fetlife.com/groups/3070/group_posts/177448)

[Editing the OP to render discussion pointless - censored](http://fetlife.com/groups/897/group_posts/181486)

[Love: A Short Trilogy](http://fetlife.com/groups/98/group_posts/179073)

[Rule FetLife, the CollarMe Way](http://fetlife.com/groups/7264/group_posts/181859)



###How not to run a smear campaign

[Casual 'Play' and Emotional Abuse: The Case for Love](http://fetlife.com/groups/4722/group_posts/135373)

[What value, dignity?](http://fetlife.com/groups/4722/group_posts/138147)

[Why are some people so desperate for a consent?](http://fetlife.com/groups/4722/group_posts/146791)

[The 'Dignity' of a Double-Standard](http://fetlife.com/groups/4722/group_posts/156825)

[Apologies](http://fetlife.com/groups/4722/group_posts/156989)



####Addenda

[Do you feel you are abused by the "casual play" community? - show trial](http://fetlife.com/groups/14/group_posts/136428)

[Casual 'Play' and Emotional Abuse - censored](http://fetlife.com/groups/5150/group_posts/135299)

[Removal of Group Member - considerably censored](http://fetlife.com/groups/6653/group_posts/160318)

[Love and negativity](http://fetlife.com/users/76631/posts/111586)

[Love and negativity](http://fetlife.com/groups/3281/group_posts/183471)

[In the spirit of sharing =] - On Love and negitivity ; crossposted in "Love" group](http://fetlife.com/groups/5247/group_posts/183482)

[Tolerance of abuse?](http://fetlife.com/groups/541/group_posts/183896)

[In response to some slander and defimation posted by a member of this site;](http://fetlife.com/users/76631/posts/111583)



###Other discussions of interest

[Casual Play - the pros the cons the realities, the myths...](http://fetlife.com/groups/14/group_posts/138783)

[Does the casual community have any responsibility To protecting Subs from themselves?](http://fetlife.com/groups/14/group_posts/138825)

[Child abuse anyone?](http://fetlife.com/groups/14/group_posts/138523)

[Does the casual community have any responsibility To protecting Subs from themselves? (Cross-posted)](http://fetlife.com/groups/41/group_posts/138828)

[I did not consent to this...](http://fetlife.com/groups/41/group_posts/139980)

[Cutting Through the Linguistic Bullshit](http://fetlife.com/groups/753/group_posts/140640)

[Can the real monogomous people please raise their hands?](http://fetlife.com/groups/397/group_posts/28811)

[An Excuse To Be A 'Ho?](http://fetlife.com/groups/397/group_posts/75988)

[monogamy is vanilla???](http://fetlife.com/groups/397/group_posts/64732)

[What do people define monogamy as?](http://fetlife.com/groups/397/group_posts/90741)

[Polyamory is weighing me down](http://fetlife.com/groups/397/group_posts/113832)

[Mocking Monogamy.](http://fetlife.com/groups/397/group_posts/28601)

[Is this a Monogamy group or an "In Justification of Poly" group?](http://fetlife.com/groups/5708/group_posts/138348)

[A poly tyranny rant](http://fetlife.com/groups/5708/group_posts/136035)

[banned from submissive women's group (for being too submissive?) - deleted](http://fetlife.com/users/39126/posts/92608)

[The Disconsolate Woman](http://fetlife.com/groups/6062/group_posts/147890)

[The Alt Munch last night.....](http://fetlife.com/groups/12/group_posts/147818)

[Mind Control Comes Step by Step](http://fetlife.com/groups/6465/group_posts/155338) - Read [Consent](http://fetlife.com/groups/6465/group_posts/153540) as well

[Fetish Ball 2009](http://fetlife.com/users/1795/posts/97150) - see also [2009 Fetish Ball](http://fetlife.com/users/156928/posts/97145)

[Deceit and Lies, DANGER AHEAD](http://fetlife.com/users/83997/posts/97157)

[The Sub Women's Safety Thread](http://fetlife.com/groups/14/group_posts/154632)

[Don't let random people bite you.](http://fetlife.com/groups/2158/group_posts/41906)

[what does love have to do with it?](http://fetlife.com/groups/41/group_posts/170115)

[Love Draws No Swords](http://fetlife.com/users/4314/posts/52109) - _highly recommended_



###Groups of Interest



[BDSM Depression and other Mental Disorders](http://fetlife.com/groups/1496)

[Health & Safety Repository](http://fetlife.com/groups/257)

[Mental Health & the BDSM/KINK Lifestyle](http://fetlife.com/groups/363)
Recycle everything, do you?
 
Recycle everything, do you?

Are you accusing me of having fallen in love before?

Some three months after I began my quest I began talking with a lady. Over the next two months we fell in love.

It was because of the way that relationship ended that I came to understand the concept I've described as "cycles of self-destruction".

It's been almost three years since I met her. Come January it will be three years since it ended.

I didn't fall in love again until I met the lady with whom I've just parted.
 
Love, Part I: Endings

Having been through that, why am I expected to be still crying in my beer over this:

I'm sorry for your loss. Give it some time. Like five days or so. :rolleyes:

Does it surprise you, WD, that having gone through such a difficult loss as the loss of my wife to cancer, or my son to a domestic accident, that I would have the ability to recover from the loss of a relationship with someone who didn't bother to try to work out difficulties, who announced on the day she was leaving that all she wanted was to be a child without responsibilities?

While finding a bloved is the ultimate goal, I am a long way from falling in love again.

Opening myself up to talking with a lady, however, is not nor should it be an issue.

I know you enjoy rubbing salt in the wound, WD, and telling me that I should pursue this lady for references for anyone who might come along and pass on her phone number to strangers, etc ... all you demonstrate is your immaturity and pettiness.

The loss of a loving relationship hurts, but it is not the end of the world in this case, as much as you might wish otherwise.

The loss of my wife and son was much worse, and has taught me to accept what life gives me, even when it is nothing more than the harassment of trolls like you and your friends.
 
Love, Part I: Endings

Having been through that, why am I expected to be still crying in my beer over this:



Does it surprise you, WD, that having gone through such a difficult loss as the loss of my wife to cancer, or my son to a domestic accident, that I would have the ability to recover from the loss of a relationship with someone who didn't bother to try to work out difficulties, who announced on the day she was leaving that all she wanted was to be a child without responsibilities?

While finding a bloved is the ultimate goal, I am a long way from falling in love again.

Opening myself up to talking with a lady, however, is not nor should it be an issue.

I know you enjoy rubbing salt in the wound, WD, and telling me that I should pursue this lady for references for anyone who might come along and pass on her phone number to strangers, etc ... all you demonstrate is your immaturity and pettiness.

The loss of a loving relationship hurts, but it is not the end of the world in this case, as much as you might wish otherwise.

The loss of my wife and son was much worse, and has taught me to accept what life gives me, even when it is nothing more than the harassment of trolls like you and your friends.

There is no crying in Literotica. You have tainted your personal ad with that silly alt. You won't find anyone based on lies.

And to be honest, you aren't over your wife are you? You are still living in Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. Last thing you need is to play house with someone else right now. Don't wreck another life until you fix your own. Start by turning off the computer.
 
And to be honest, you aren't over your wife are you? You are still living in Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. Last thing you need is to play house with someone else right now. Don't wreck another life until you fix your own. Start by turning off the computer.

You have obviously never experienced the death of a beloved.

You don't get over the loss, you learn to live with it.

My wife and son will always be a part of me, that's why I tell people I'm a "widower", rather than "single".

Obviously compassion isn't a strong suit when it comes to casual players.

You'd need a heart to be compassionate.
 
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