"Now I know I have a heart, because it's breaking"

[BLoved]

My Beloved just left.

She won't be coming back.

Apparently two weeks ago, while away at the funeral of her grandfather, she fell out of love.

She says she never had a childhood. That she just wants to be a kid with no responsibilities.

That's not who she said she was three months ago.

So here I am: betrayed, manipulated, broken-hearted.

My only consolation is that I did what Love would have me do. I stayed true to myself, to my ethics, my principles. I gave her the best I had to give.

It wasn't enough to overcome the damage her past has done to her.

Heart-broken ... again.

Don't know what I'm going to do next. Just feel burnt out, used up, empty.

This is one of those times when you fall down and find it so difficult to get back up.

Not that I expect anything from anyone on this board, but I've opened my PM ... not a good time for me to refuse a kind word from a gentle soul.

As for Love ... I still believe in it, still recognize it's authority over me ... but it's much too soon for me to be thinking of loving anyone.

My heart is going to need to heal before I can give it to another.

Sometimes Love isn't enough, and that is a bitter pill to swallow.

I won't be surprised to find more than a few crowing over my loss, but in the words of the Tin Man: "Now I know I have a heart, because it's breaking".

I'll be back when I'm back.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I am sorry to hear this.

But not surprised to see that it's all about you.

 

[intothewoods]

I am truly sorry you are experiencing heartbreak.

I truly don't understand your motivation for this post. Perhaps you're distraught and you just want someone to listen. Perhaps you're lonely, as Keroin suggested in another thread. You have suggested that everyone on this forum is a rapist, predator and abuser. Part of a lynch mob. Why would you want sympathy from people you don't respect? This just doesn't add up.

If you truly would like to respectfully participate here, I suggest you follow CutieMouse's advice about your post in the other thread. You can put forth your point of view without calling everyone else a rapist, predator and/or abuser. As has been stated umpteen million times, most people here are in lifelong loving relationships or seeking the same.

 

[LaRocha]

Sounds like a cool story, Bro. I'll be waiting for you to post it on the other side of the site with the other works of fiction.

 

[JMohegan]

What a surprise. I just don't know when I've been more astonished.

Perhaps you're distraught and you just want someone to listen. Perhaps you're lonely, as Keroin suggested in another thread.

Or perhaps he made up all that shit. Not just the leaving, but the existence of the abused lover in the first place. His whole schtick.

Of course, this is the Internet. Stella could be Sigourney Weaver, plugging her own flicks. You could be Elena Kagan, and I could be the Jolly Green Giant. No way of really knowing, so we have to take self-reported bios at face value. But sometimes -

This just doesn't add up.

Right.

Except, of course, for the part where he invites tenderhearted PMs.

 

[intothewoods]

What a surprise. I just don't know when I've been more astonished.

Or perhaps he made up all that shit. Not just the leaving, but the existence of the abused lover in the first place. His whole schtick.

Of course, this is the Internet. Stella could be Sigourney Weaver, plugging her own flicks. You could be Elena Kagan, and I could be the Jolly Green Giant. No way of really knowing, so we have to take self-reported bios at face value. But sometimes -

Right.

Except, of course, for the part where he invites tenderhearted PMs.

Well, my experience with internet fakes from other forums is that they usually present an overly sunny picture -- very sympathetic, too good to be true, that sort of thing. Of course, I'm Elena Kagan (if we're going to go Jewey, could you go with Ellen Barkin or something?), so what the fuck do I know? Err, or something.

Anyway, my gut tells me that this is more emotional instability than fraud.

 

[LaRocha]

Back where I come from, there are men who do nothing all day but good deeds. They are called phil... er... phil... er... [trying to say "philanthropists"] yes... er... good-deed-doers. And their hearts are no bigger than yours – But! They have one thing you haven't got. A testimonial. Therefore, in consideration of your kindness, I take pleasure at this time in presenting you with a small token of our esteem and affection. And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.

 

[JMohegan]

Well, my experience with internet fakes from other forums is that they usually present an overly sunny picture -- very sympathetic, too good to be true, that sort of thing. Of course, I'm Elena Kagan (if we're going to go Jewey, could you go with Ellen Barkin or something?), so what the fuck do I know? Err, or something.

Anyway, my gut tells me that this is more emotional instability than fraud.

Not Jewey, lawyer. She was the first female lawyer to pop into my head.

I've actually had a lot of fantasies that you're really Gail Collins. I hope that doesn't bother you, but really, your wit reminds me so much of hers that it makes me smile frequently.

Who's Ellen Barkin?

 

[FurryFury]

Sorry to hear this. IMO, people who didn't have a childhood or work out their childhood issues most often have trouble sustaining a relationship. They truly don't know themselves well enough to give themselves to another.

Just this month I've seen a lady in her 30's, who met her husband at the age of 16, tell her husband (after over 20 years together and two kids), that she never loved him romantically. WTF? Who says shit like that? That is so hurtful.

I know another girl who began calling the person who loved her an abuser when I KNOW that person is not. Turns out the girl also calls her ex gf, her father and many others abusers because she can't deal with a relationship or indeed being an adult and responsible for herself.

Understanding what causes such massive failures to love doesn't excuse the damage they do to those who try to love and help them in spite of themselves.

All we can do is go through the pain, try to learn from it and NOT repeat our mistakes. Such mistakes as who you give your heart to in the first place.

My Beloved just left.

She won't be coming back.

Apparently two weeks ago, while away at the funeral of her grandfather, she fell out of love.

She says she never had a childhood. That she just wants to be a kid with no responsibilities.

That's not who she said she was three months ago.

So here I am: betrayed, manipulated, broken-hearted.

My only consolation is that I did what Love would have me do. I stayed true to myself, to my ethics, my principles. I gave her the best I had to give.

It wasn't enough to overcome the damage her past has done to her.

Heart-broken ... again.

Don't know what I'm going to do next. Just feel burnt out, used up, empty.

This is one of those times when you fall down and find it so difficult to get back up.

Not that I expect anything from anyone on this board, but I've opened my PM ... not a good time for me to refuse a kind word from a gentle soul.

As for Love ... I still believe in it, still recognize it's authority over me ... but it's much too soon for me to be thinking of loving anyone.

My heart is going to need to heal before I can give it to another.

Sometimes Love isn't enough, and that is a bitter pill to swallow.

I won't be surprised to find more than a few crowing over my loss, but in the words of the Tin Man: "Now I know I have a heart, because it's breaking".

I'll be back when I'm back.

 

[BLoved]

I am truly sorry you are experiencing heartbreak.

I truly don't understand your motivation for this post.

I have spoken extensively and eloquently on the joy of Love.

What kind of a coward would I be if I hid the fact life has decided to deal me yet another cruel blow?

Perhaps it provides perspective to know that as I was responding to CM here I was dealing with the news that my Beloved had decided to leave.

Love offers no guarantees, only opportunities.

You can put forth your point of view without calling everyone else a rapist, predator and/or abuser.

I have not called everyone a rapist, predator and/or abuser.

I've explained my belief that casual 'bdsm' is emotionally abusive, and I stand by that position.

I've been asked to apply this position to a variety of relationships which have been described in these discussions, and have done so honestly. In essence, I have been asked to judge others.

I believe there are indeed rapists, predators and abusers involved in casual 'bdsm'. I also believe there are those who have been abused. People suffering from low self-esteem who believe this is the best they can get, people who didn't know what they were getting into until it was too late. I've spoken with many of them, have helped several along the way.

I am not about to change my position, regardless of how popular that might make me. It is because of the victims I've known that I see what I do as important, valuable to those who are at risk.

I don't expect to change the world, let alone the online world of 'bdsm'. Doesn't mean I can't make a difference for one person, and that in itself is worth the effort.

A loving heart is a terrible thing to waste. There just isn't enough love in the world that we can afford to lose it.

As for me, I don't know what is to become of me. I'm nowhere near ready to love again, killed my ad at collarme, this is not something I'm going to just shake-off and start over.

It hurts to place my faith in someone whose promises and words will never come true.

It hurts to have trusted someone with my heart, only to find her stomping it in the dirt.

It hurts to have loved someone only to find out I was nothing more than a temporary refuge from an abusive past ... a past she will not outgrow.

It hurts to have cared so much to protect someone and keep her safe, only to watch as she returns to the life she ran from.

It hurts to believe that others have broken her self-esteem to the point she no longer believes herself worthy of love.

It hurts to hear "I love you" one day, and "Goodbye" the next.

It just hurts.

Maybe that's why I post: to provide a complete picture of Love, both the good, and the bad.

While my wife and son lived, life was perfect. Regardless of the problems we faced, we faced them together and love was our paradigm.

Since their deaths, life has done its best to break me. In seeking new love I have had to battle an endless line of casual players who feel anyone who does not share their paradigm is deserving of all the abuse they can muster.

So be it. I have no respect for casual 'bdsm' and the players have shown they have no respect for me.

I can live with that.

But to live without love ... truly, I think Love expects too much of me.

I've often said it doesn't matter how many times we fall down, what matters is how many times we get back up.

This is me, on the ground, struggling to get back up.

Tomorrow would have marked eight weeks of living together.

And instead, I have to let go.

Somehow, life goes on.

 

[BLoved]

And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.

Those were simpler times. Children played outside till the lights came on, and no one worried about childhood obesity.

As a society we do not love as easily, and find paranoia comforting. Now we have anonymous people to tear down anyone and everyone they do not like, through insults invented and measured for their effect.

We are not the people from Oz. Now it is easier to believe every scandalous claim, simply as a matter of personal safety.

We've been disillusioned too much to have faith anymore, and the world suffers for it.

The Wizard of Oz is a beautiful fairy tale, but a fairy tale nonetheless.

For too many, "no place like home" has become "anyplace but home".

We have become a society of abuse survivors.

 

[Seurat]

Why would you want sympathy from people you don't respect?

I think a better question would be:

Why would he expect sympathy from people he doesn't respect? I can be as empathetic and sympathetic as the next person, but when I got to the line:

I won't be surprised to find more than a few crowing over my loss,

I realized that even in the testimonial, shots were taken.

Bloved, best not to hit the hand that may be taking yours to comfort you. Having seen the way you reacted when people attempted to help you post in a more coherent and pallatable fashion, though, I cannot say I am surprised.

Reardless, I don't wish bad things on you. Face to the wind.

 

[BLoved]

Sorry to hear this. IMO, people who didn't have a childhood or work out their childhood issues most often have trouble sustaining a relationship. They truly don't know themselves well enough to give themselves to another.

Just this month I've seen a lady in her 30's, who met her husband at the age of 16, tell her husband (after over 20 years together and two kids), that she never loved him romantically. WTF? Who says shit like that? That is so hurtful.

I know another girl who began calling the person who loved her an abuser when I KNOW that person is not. Turns out the girl also calls her ex gf, her father and many others abusers because she can't deal with a relationship or indeed being an adult and responsible for herself.

Understanding what causes such massive failures to love doesn't excuse the damage they do to those who try to love and help them in spite of themselves.

All we can do is go through the pain, try to learn from it and NOT repeat our mistakes. Such mistakes as who you give your heart to in the first place.

It would be nice to own a reliable crystal ball that could foretell the consequences of giving away my heart.

Barring that, I must rely on my resilience when love, trust and faith lead me down the garden path.

Keep in mind I did not court her. Her age had convinced me there was no chance of her feeling any romantic interest in me.

Imagine my surprise when she asked me to be her Beloved.

There have been many women who approached to whom I had to say "no".

The first one to come along and inspire the best in me after two years of looking, and this is how it ends.

While it is good to know I am not yet so jaded as to be incapable of love, I would have preferred a heart that swells with joy, rather than a heart that breaks with sorrow.

 

[FurryFury]

Indeed. It's always important to keep oneself open, yet not to jump too fast into a relationship.

It would be nice to own a reliable crystal ball that could foretell the consequences of giving away my heart.

Barring that, I must rely on my resilience when love, trust and faith lead me down the garden path.

Keep in mind I did not court her. Her age had convinced me there was no chance of her feeling any romantic interest in me.

Imagine my surprise when she asked me to be her Beloved.

There have been many women who approached to whom I had to say "no".

The first one to come along and inspire the best in me after two years of looking, and this is how it ends.

While it is good to know I am not yet so jaded as to be incapable of love, I would have preferred a heart that swells with joy, rather than a heart that breaks with sorrow.

 

[neci]

A loving heart is a terrible thing to waste. There just isn't enough love in the world that we can afford to lose it.

maybe you need some time to refocus and connect with the world around you. i don't know if you do any volunteer work, but it would help in getting yourself out of your head and into something where you can give back the love you have to the world. i know you mentioned having lots of animals, and shelters are always in need of people to help out. you could also find a group of men that meet for coffee and breakfast once a week to share with. companionship is important, as is friendship. love takes many forms. some of the best forms of love are those you don't fuck. good luck.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

~smile~

Sucks to be you.

 

[BLoved]

I think a better question would be:

Why would he expect sympathy from people he doesn't respect?

I don't.

I am a writer. Writing is how I deal with my feelings, both the good and the bad. This isn't about any expectations I have of others.

This is about me dealing with my feelings.

I realized that even in the testimonial, shots were taken.

Despite the lack of a credible crystal ball, I am not blind to reality. Already there are those claiming this is all fiction.

Would that it were. It would hurt a hell of a lot less.

Bloved, best not to hit the hand that may be taking yours to comfort you.

If you can only comfort those who share your paradigm, you will be of no comfort to me.

I do not ask a person in need for their political or religious affiliations before offering to help.

People are people.

But that's just me. I don't expect to find that in others, and have rarely been disappointed in this respect.

Regardless, I don't wish bad things on you. Face to the wind.

Thank you.

 

[BLoved]

Indeed. It's always important to keep oneself open, yet not to jump too fast into a relationship.

As I said to CM, Love doesn't use a schedule. If it happens at all, it happens when it happens.

We can either run from it, or embrace it.

I'm not the type who runs.

 

[BLoved]

maybe you need some time to refocus and connect with the world around you. i don't know if you do any volunteer work, but it would help in getting yourself out of your head and into something where you can give back the love you have to the world. i know you mentioned having lots of animals, and shelters are always in need of people to help out. you could also find a group of men that meet for coffee and breakfast once a week to share with. companionship is important, as is friendship. love takes many forms. some of the best forms of love are those you don't fuck. good luck.

Thank you.

Unfortunately I have as little in common with the people around me as I have with most of you online.

Living in the buckle of the Bible Belt of Ontario does not present many opportunities to find a kindred spirit.

I will give this some thought.

 

[Seurat]

If you can only comfort those who share your paradigm, you will be of no comfort to me.

Tell me, what is my paradigm, how is it that you know it, and how can you be so sure that it is different than your own?

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

~smile~

I karma.

 

[BLoved]

Tell me, what is my paradigm, how is it that you know it, and how can you be so sure that it is different than your own?

It is a general statement, not aimed at anyone in particular.

 

[intothewoods]

Not Jewey, lawyer. She was the first female lawyer to pop into my head.

I've actually had a lot of fantasies that you're really Gail Collins. I hope that doesn't bother you, but really, your wit reminds me so much of hers that it makes me smile frequently.

Who's Ellen Barkin?

Hmm, fantasies, me and Gail Collins in the same sentence. Well it started out hot.

I wish I were that smart and accomplished!

Ellen Barkin is an actress: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000289/

I remember her from Diner and Ocean's Thirteen.

 

[intothewoods]

BLoved You say you post here because you enjoy writing. I enjoy it myself, though humility usually prevents me from describing my writing as "eloquent." Writing can be cathartic. Posting in a forum consisting of people you attack and insult is anything but! Again, it makes no sense. It all suggests you're yanking our chain or you're an unbalanced individual. Or both.

 

[fuckmeat]

I am sorry to hear this.

But not surprised to see that it's all about you.

Yep.

You have suggested that everyone on this forum is a rapist, predator and abuser. Part of a lynch mob. Why would you want sympathy from people you don't respect? This just doesn't add up.

Yep.

Or perhaps he made up all that shit. Not just the leaving, but the existence of the abused lover in the first place. His whole schtick.

Yep.



End thread.