The 'ethics' of casual 'bdsm'

[BLoved]

Just in case this got overlooked:

Hey - i am planning to respond to your letter in more detail - but
wanted to hit the 'p.s.' right away - .... absolute credit... as i
said in my letter - i kind of like you - and unfortuantely although an
adult website there is a lot of childish behaviour out ther, and
although thought provoking and intellectual - people really don't like
hearing the truth.... hence why you may rub them the wrong way - and
yet not officially warned due to the fact that you're not ACTUALLY
breaking a rule.... so total credit..... and on a side note - there is
a lot of bashing and provocation you've ignored to walk that fine
line.... in fact

as you mentioned in your note about the bbw group - when researching
and looking into it, i found you weren't insulting anyone, and yet
someone had an OUTWARD attack on you.... troublesome - but thank you
for ignoring it - and if you DO feel the need to report them, i can
talk to them, but can't do anything without a report (only becuase we
do not go trolling for people 'breaking the rules' we want people to
be able to speak and talk as though big brother isn't watching
over..so yea, anyways, ) total props to you my friend.... and i'll
respond to the letter more specifically shortly

Keep on spanking,

The FetLife Caretaker Team

 

[WriterDom]

I'll help you out.

Just in case this got overlooked:

Hey - i am planning to respond to your letter in more detail - but
wanted to hit the 'p.s.' right away - .... absolute credit... as i
said in my letter - i kind of like you - and unfortuantely although an
adult website there is a lot of childish behaviour out ther, and
although thought provoking and intellectual - people really don't like
hearing the truth.... hence why you may rub them the wrong way - and
yet not officially warned due to the fact that you're not ACTUALLY
breaking a rule.... so total credit..... and on a side note - there is
a lot of bashing and provocation you've ignored to walk that fine
line.... in fact

as you mentioned in your note about the bbw group - when researching
and looking into it, i found you weren't insulting anyone, and yet
someone had an OUTWARD attack on you.... troublesome - but thank you
for ignoring it - and if you DO feel the need to report them, i can
talk to them, but can't do anything without a report (only becuase we
do not go trolling for people 'breaking the rules' we want people to
be able to speak and talk as though big brother isn't watching
over..so yea, anyways, ) total props to you my friend.... and i'll
respond to the letter more specifically shortly

Keep on spanking,

The FetLife Caretaker Team

 

[chy_girl]

~smile~

As I recall, I was shown what kind of behaviour to expect here when I first started posting.

That doesn't mean someone can't come along and surprise me with behaviour more mature than the others. I tend to focus more on such individuals, and enjoy the exchanges (such as when Etoile and I exchanged our PoVs regarding same-sex marriage).

Those who approach in a mature and civil manner can expect the same from me.

Those who don't are more likely to be added to my pin-up gallery of typical casual players and their advocates.

Bullshit. And anyone who wants to spend the time can go back and look. Just because we're all adult and choose discussion and support over swooning and coddling does NOT mean that you were treated poorly. At least not until it had been established that your primary goal was to insult and offend the entire board.

Predators, abusers, frauds, overgrown juvenile delinquents ...

If this is truly how you see us, despite not knowing anything about us as people, then you're welcome to leave. No one is making you stay.

Considering how private those of us who are love-based can be, I'm not surprised.

Casual 'bdsm' is the public image of bdsm, just as the gay bath-houses were the symbol for homosexuality for many many years.

I've had more than a few people tell me how they didn't understand bdsm until they read my story and essays.

Funny that. Do you realize how many of the people you are insulting and debasing with your sweeping accusations ARE in love-based, monogamous relationships? And do you realize how many of them are telling you you're talking out your ass?

Just in case this got overlooked:

Hey - i am planning to respond to your letter in more detail - but
wanted to hit the 'p.s.' right away - .... absolute credit... as i
said in my letter - i kind of like you - and unfortuantely although an
adult website there is a lot of childish behaviour out ther, and
although thought provoking and intellectual - people really don't like
hearing the truth.... hence why you may rub them the wrong way - and
yet not officially warned due to the fact that you're not ACTUALLY
breaking a rule.... so total credit..... and on a side note - there is
a lot of bashing and provocation you've ignored to walk that fine
line.... in fact

as you mentioned in your note about the bbw group - when researching
and looking into it, i found you weren't insulting anyone, and yet
someone had an OUTWARD attack on you.... troublesome - but thank you
for ignoring it - and if you DO feel the need to report them, i can
talk to them, but can't do anything without a report (only becuase we
do not go trolling for people 'breaking the rules' we want people to
be able to speak and talk as though big brother isn't watching
over..so yea, anyways, ) total props to you my friend.... and i'll
respond to the letter more specifically shortly

Keep on spanking,

The FetLife Caretaker Team

So did you happen to mention to these people that you were also showing up on groups that you didn't qualify for and that your attacking was done via PM when the group Mods got tired of the shit and started deleting stuff?

Cause I checked.

 

[Stella_Omega]

B]I]On Ethics[/I][/B]

"Others will behave towards you the way they expect you to behave towards them."

As we see in ample example here; no one here expects respect from you-- you have never shown one single smidge-- and no one can be bothered to muster up any respect for you.
The rest of it was tl:dr.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I've had more than a few people tell me how they didn't understand bdsm until they read my story and essays.

And they still don't understand BDSM. They've read your fiction.

 

[FloggingMolly]

~yawn~

Are you still here?!

 

[chy_girl]

And they still don't understand BDSM. They've read your fiction.

Thank you for the smile. It was needed.

 

[BLoved]

Bullshit. And anyone who wants to spend the time can go back and look.

And I hope they do.

And by the way, you emphasized the wrong passage. I believe the following is much more relevant to this discussion:

---

Hey - i am planning to respond to your letter in more detail - but
wanted to hit the 'p.s.' right away - .... absolute credit... as i
said in my letter - i kind of like you - and unfortuantely although an
adult website there is a lot of childish behaviour out ther, and
although thought provoking and intellectual - people really don't like
hearing the truth.... hence why you may rub them the wrong way - and
yet not officially warned due to the fact that you're not ACTUALLY
breaking a rule.... so total credit..... and on a side note - there is
a lot of bashing and provocation you've ignored to walk that fine
line.... in fact

as you mentioned in your note about the bbw group - when researching
and looking into it, i found you weren't insulting anyone, and yet
someone had an OUTWARD attack on you.... troublesome - but thank you
for ignoring it - and if you DO feel the need to report them, i can
talk to them, but can't do anything without a report (only becuase we
do not go trolling for people 'breaking the rules' we want people to
be able to speak and talk as though big brother isn't watching
over..so yea, anyways, ) total props to you my friend.... and i'll
respond to the letter more specifically shortly

Keep on spanking,

The FetLife Caretaker Team

 

[Stella_Omega]

Did you ever get a more specific response?

 

[RuReal]

Just in case you miss it and because I have no interest in going through the pages in this thread can you please explain what you define as casual BDSM?

 

[00Syd]

Just in case you miss it and because I have no interest in going through the pages in this thread can you please explain what you define as casual BDSM?

Good luck getting a straight, non-circular answer.

 

[TypicalDeviant]

Just in case you miss it and because I have no interest in going through the pages in this thread can you please explain what you define as casual BDSM?

I think he defines "casual BDSM" as the act of engaging in BDSM activities while not in a relationship founded in (true) love.

How's that?

 

[chy_girl]

I think he defines "casual BDSM" as the act of engaging in BDSM activities while not in a relationship founded in (true) love.

How's that?

Not exactly because, according to him, there are members here in monogamous, love based relationships that are "casual BDSMers."

 

[CutieMouse]

I think he defines "casual BDSM" as the act of engaging in BDSM activities while not in a relationship founded in (true) love.

How's that?

Not exactly because, according to him, there are members here in monogamous, love based relationships that are "casual BDSMers."

Yes.

In order to count as not casual (or abusive), one has to be in a monogamous, true love, lifetime commitment based relationship.

BL's relationship is neither "casual" nor abusive, even though he and his beloved made a lifetime commitment to one another after 3 weeks; my relationship of the last few months is casual and abusive [in BL's opinion] because I feel that something as serious as a lifetime commitment takes more than three weeks to figure out.

 

[intothewoods]

Yes.

In order to count as not casual (or abusive), one has to be in a monogamous, true love, lifetime commitment based relationship.

BL's relationship is neither "casual" nor abusive, even though he and his beloved made a lifetime commitment to one another after 3 weeks; my relationship of the last few months is casual and abusive [in BL's opinion] because I feel that something as serious as a lifetime commitment takes more than three weeks to figure out.

He actually said that polyfidelitous relationships are ok too, as long as no casual play is involved.

 

[chy_girl]

He actually said that polyfidelitous relationships are ok too, as long as no casual play is involved.

But it can only be love-based. Commitment via contract and collar is another sign of abuse, immorality, and unethical behavior.

And I'd still like to know how having someone experienced set me on fire under Mistress and Sir's supervision and (with the two of them spotting) makes me akin to the devil's VD-infested whore...

 

[00Syd]

But it can only be love-based. Commitment via contract and collar is another sign of abuse, immorality, and unethical behavior.

And I'd still like to know how having someone experienced set me on fire under Mistress and Sir's supervision and (with the two of them spotting) makes me akin to the devil's VD-infested whore...

Because you didn't love them. Duh. And the fact that your Mistress and Sir supervised this loveless, casual, unethical encounter is yet more crystal clear evidence of their low self esteem. Double-duh. And because you enjoyed this travesty of casual BDSM you are obviously of an abused mindset and are suffering from devastatingly low self esteem, even worse than your Mistress and Sir. Triple-duh.

You SERIOUSLY need to leave this abusive relationship, and find a TRUE, loving, lifetime relationship with someone who will help free you from your abused past, your crippling low self esteem, and your terrifyingly unethical and incorrect views on BDSM. Find your white knight. It's your only hope.

 

[BLoved]

In order to count as not casual (or abusive), one has to be in a monogamous, true love, lifetime commitment based relationship.

Incorrect, and as you are the one who invited me to start this discussion, I'd have expected you to pay more attention.

I have not at any time said a relationship must be "monogamous" to be considered love-based (as opposed to casual).

What I have said is that a relationship must be "closed", excluding casual (no-strings attached) love-less encounters.

Undoubtedly most such relationships are monogamous. However, a closed poly relationship based on love fits the description just as well.

 

[Etoile]

I like bananas, coconuts, and grapes
I like bananas, coconuts, and grapes
I like bananas, coconuts, and grapes
and that's why they call me TARZAN OF THE APES

 

[BLoved]

I like bananas, coconuts, and grapes
I like bananas, coconuts, and grapes
I like bananas, coconuts, and grapes
and that's why they call me TARZAN OF THE APES

~smile~

Good morning, 'Tarzan'

 

[Bandit58]

Heroin addiction is a consensual act.

Doesn't make it a healthy choice.

That is one of the most idiotic statements I've ever heard

My current relationship (of nearly 6 1/2 years, almost 3 1/2 of those as a married couple) is a hell of a lot healthier than my first marriage of nearly 24 years to an emotionally abusive, immature, jealous domineering ass.

Just because we occasionally bring in a third, or I have vanilla sex with a woman I have known for years now, doesn't mean this relationship is unhealthy. On the contrary, I believe it is very healthy - because I am able to express my sexuality as a bisexual woman with the absolute blessing of my Sir. He loves that I have become more confident in myself and my sexuality. I'm out and proud of it, unlike my first marriage where it was all hidden in the closet.

 

[chy_girl]

*snip*
You SERIOUSLY need to leave this abusive relationship, and find a TRUE, loving, lifetime relationship with someone who will help free you from your abused past, your crippling low self esteem, and your terrifyingly unethical and incorrect views on BDSM. Find your white knight. It's your only hope.

Ah, yes. The abuse thing... I actually went with the "therapy/self-growth/self-discovery" path. It just seemed edgy enough to come off a cool and daring that whole self-sufficient, mentally healthy sort of way.

Incorrect, and as you are the one who invited me to start this discussion, I'd have expected you to pay more attention.

I have not at any time said a relationship must be "monogamous" to be considered love-based (as opposed to casual).

What I have said is that a relationship must be "closed", excluding casual (no-strings attached) love-less encounters.

Undoubtedly most such relationships are monogamous. However, a closed poly relationship based on love fits the description just as well.

So if it's all about the love, can't we just subscribe to the 'love your neighbor as yourself' philosophy and move on? Or does a general love and caring regard of humanity not qualify somehow?

 

[CutieMouse]

Incorrect, and as you are the one who invited me to start this discussion, I'd have expected you to pay more attention.

I have not at any time said a relationship must be "monogamous" to be considered love-based (as opposed to casual).

What I have said is that a relationship must be "closed", excluding casual (no-strings attached) love-less encounters.

Undoubtedly most such relationships are monogamous. However, a closed poly relationship based on love fits the description just as well.

My relationships are closed, monogamous, and based on affection, attraction, common interests, enthusiasm, respect... funny all those words are often found in definitions of the word "love". Only difference being, that I don't make lifetime commitments to people after only knowing them 3 weeks, nor do I claim any relationship I enter will stay intact until one of us dies.

I didn't address your views of closed poly relationships, as my opinion would probably be viewed as impolite.

 

[BLoved]

So if it's all about the love, can't we just subscribe to the 'love your neighbor as yourself' philosophy and move on? Or does a general love and caring regard of humanity not qualify somehow?

Wouldn't that depend upon how you define your terms?

If indeed you loved your neighbour as yourself, and assuming you do indeed love yourself, then this is the basis for a sustainable life-long loving relationship involving respect, trust and commitment.

However, if you love your neighbour as yourself, and you do not love yourself, how does that work out?

Self-abuse becomes abusive behaviour towards another. Self-destruction becomes destructive behaviour towards others.

If we do not love ourselves, how can we consider ourselves lovable? And if we are not lovable, how do we interpret the motives of others in their dealings with us?

If we are not lovable, then the only motive that explains anyone's interest in us is selfishness, a need to exploit us.

How then should someone behave towards another whose only interest in us is selfishness?

And how does their selfishness (or perceived selfishness) reinforce our own belief that we are not lovable. How does it reinforce our low self-esteem?

And so low self-esteem sabotages any effort to improve it and our own expectations, born from our belief we are not lovable, becomes self-fulfilling prophecy.

I call it "cycles of self-destruction".

Casual 'bdsm' exploits such individuals and aggravates the problem.

 

[chy_girl]

*blinks*

Bloved, dear, don't you think there is the smallest of possibilities that you are projecting your own self-loathing and self-hatred onto everyone here in an attempt to not only generalize/normalize some of the emotions that are so hard for you to deal with and perhaps making yourself feel a little better in the process?


*blinkblink*